| Hi I'm new to the forum, but hoping to get some guidance from the more experienced. I have been married for 3 years, and in my second year, while being in another country to look for a job, I had a short summer fling with a OM. It's more like a 3 NS than a ONS but afterwards, I just had no more feelings towards that OM but of course felt the guilt creeping about my H. I have many thoughts about why I did it, and several came in mind: 1. I am still young and unsure of settling (no kids, <30) 2. I was married in a rush for visa, and it did bother me a little to make that decision when all my life I've been independent.. 3. I had a long term ex-bf who cheated on me for 6 years... that was difficult to break and I did so by flying off to another country 4. My father was and still is a cheater. My family has been dysfunctional since I was 3. 5. Frustrations of my H career and mine, and how we could live pursuing them... My H has a freelance career that takes a lot of effort to become successful (think entertainment) and also easy to fall into the pits. I do worry the life I could have with him if he has to pursue it and end up 6 months away from home... 6. Talking about separations, he already left me in a foreign country by myself for 5 months. I was very bitter about it, since I got robbed and mugged outside my home while I was there, and there was nothing he could do about it except finish his project. Now my H is a sweet man who loves me with devotion. I felt that it is in his interest, if we are to maintain a relationship, not to know about the affair. That I have clear, because I don't have any heart strings attached to OM, it was really a summer fling and not something I regret. Why I don't regret? If I didn't have that fling, I probably would have left H. I just regret that it has come to this. The funny thing is, in the beginning of our relationship, we talked about these hypothetical situations, and we both agreed that we don't want to know about the other's affairs, we only want to know if the other wants to be with the other. I love my H to bits, but I cannot imagine myself ever be worthy of someone who is devoted to me, all my life I have met mainly cheaters including my father and I guess out of defense, I became one. So now I am coping with a situation where my H has met OM before, who's a lovely guy as well, and he often asks me why we don't meet up with him. I felt uncomfortable obviously, and I cover it with an excuse that he's busy, etc. I think H does suspect something, as I have stayed at OM house on my last days of my trip since i ran out of time at our rental room, but he didn't push much. I just told H that OM didn't treat me very well so I wanted to forget about him so hoping that he doesn't press me. It's been almost 1 year later, and watching TV sometimes H would say someone looks like OM... I really don't think it's a good idea to tell H about the affair, but I do wonder how I can deal with it each time the topic of OM arises. It doesn't happen often, but I wonder since we agreed to to tell the other of infidelity, that how true can you really hold this? I guess it would be selfish to tell H anyways, if it means to let the guilt off my chest, only to pass the burden to him... Sorry about the long post and the wishy washy way of posting.. but has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you end up dealing with it? | |||
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
Conforming with cheating
Multiculturalism and the future
| This is a potentially flammable political topic, but one that creeps up from time to time amongst my mates. Hell sometimes at work we go on about it - even though we're all from different backgrounds. I'm from Australia which seems to suffer similar problems to the U.S. in terms of multi-culturalism and integration. I've seen how people instead of embracing multi-culturalism form their own ethnic territories, speak their own language, etc etc. The benefits are great, the variety of cuisines, options for spiritual enlightenment, the experience of different cultures - everyone loves that. But it has its price; ethnic groups have been known to discriminate racially especially with lodging and employment. I can confirm from experience as well Aussie employees may be laid off in favor of ethnic employees, while Aussies tend to believe in "a fair go". Entire towns are converted into racially distinct suburbs, there is no real integration to speak of. I've also seen how deep the resentment truly is within the Aussie population who fear the dilution of their young culture. To most people, they never truly share their views - they would be fools to. They would be judged racists, a title no one wants to bear. Those who are openly racist tend to be beat down as immigrants are no longer a small minority but a vocal and potentially dangerous one. Hell some groups even operate the entire underground infrastructure of national cities. Not only that, but they give their own people a bad name, allowing the ethnic groups even more voice and power to cry "racist" at the Aussie population. The infamous "race card"... I'm assuming this is similar to the U.S.? I found the Aussies are robbed of their voice, they suffer in silence. Some say it's karma due to having stolen this land in history and the genocides their forefathers imposed on the natives. My people in history were also imperialistic, we conquered half the known world during the 13th and 14th centuries, but we enforced a multi-cultural state, and never genocided, it was a state that suffered wars of succession due to its multi-culturalism that led to our eventual downfall. If we had genocided natives then maybe things would have been different (but we're barbarians, so we do no such thing) But it is not THEIR crime, should all sons and daughters continue to suffer endlessly for the sins of their forefathers? I hate to say it but I relate as many to this day despise my people for how my forefathers buttraped them in history, it was almost a millenia ago! Yet they preach in their historical and religious doctrines how we are the devil, and along with religion even justified genocides (as was the case with the Pashtun genocide of the Hazaras in Afghanistan). Having been born and raised in Australia I can't help but know and understand the culture, I can't help but find some of its core values more to my taste then the values of the fatherland. I can also say vice versa where values of my motherland are still superior. But if asked if the culture was under threat - I would admit that is... I find this debate quite interesting, especially when my own people are very nationalistic at present. I'm in an orthodox position; I can't obviously side with the Aussies, even if I understand and sometimes even share their views, and I can't obviously side with the ethnics, even if I look like them. Anyways, enough of my views, share yours! :) | |||
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How to cope?
| Hi my name is Carol, I'm 23 years old, and have been married 5 yrs. My husband is also 23 years old and we have three children from age 11 months to 4 yrs. I decided to join this forum looking for help as the last 5 years are been anything but ideal. Within the first year, my husband had started talking to women online and continued to do so, to the point on contacting them for sex via craigslist. I even saw one of his emails to a girl and messaged her and she remembered him! By this I mean he would flirt, set up trips to come visit them tell them they where beautiful, sexy and hot ( and for many of them, they where not his type by that i mean, really tiny/ skinny) Last May he started a business, and would work in Ohio, PA, and West Virginia. The guy he worked with, for lack or a better term, was a douche/tool which ever one you prefer he didn't want to really work, but wanted to make fast money From there he started meeting women in person. November of last year, he told me the first time he went to Columbus, Oh he was going to cheat on me with a stripper. They where both naked, and he didn't do it because someone informed him she shot up. Personally I don't believe he didn't do it, seriously who just walks in on two naked people to say ' oh dude she shoots up watch out?' He also made it a point the last 5 years to consistently be away from me and our kids. Also in November he decided to ask for a divorce, when I asked him why, he couldn't give me a straight answer. I asked if it was another girl, he said no, he even had a 'friend' tell me that he was working hard for us. Mind you in August alone he had made 4000 and me and the kids where living with his mom, who never had custody of him. The next week I found out he was in fact dating some girl, and had met her in October, once again in Columbus OH. Repeatedly he told me it wasn't because he wanted to date other women and I told him that was a lie because our entire marriage he would talk and flirt with other girls. He told me he was 23, with nothing. He had no one there for him, he didn't have a job, a house anything. He had nothing. When I informed him he had the kids and me he scoffed and said I hated him. Which was a lie since he was barely there our entire marriage to actually know how I fell about him, but he made it very clear to me. At this time, my kids and I where living in a homeless shelter. They had a 'welcome' room of sorts where people who just showed up could sleep, my husband would stay down there at night so he could see the kids in the morning. Having been there for an entire month before my husband showed up, alot of the people knew us and some I was friends with. One of the girls had told me my husband was down their bragging about his new girlfriend to everyone and didn't realize, at first, that he was my husband till he saw him with our kids. I hadn't seen a picture of the girl, but my husband had shown her off to everyone down stairs. To be nice and supportive or not it was just to be nice, the girl and a few other people informed me the moment my husband wasn't around that his new girlfriend wasn't very cute at all, and she was on the 'fat' side compared to me. ( Nothing bad about that, just this is what they told me). When I finally saw a picture of her, my husband started complementing her, saying ' oh this is a small picture, shes only 5'1", shes alot smaller than you, yadda yadda.' It was endless, as if he was trying to cover for her and put me down. She wasn't very small and in fact she reminded me of someone I worked with my husband had thought was ugly. I got tired of it and told my husband that that was nice, but he has a daughter and if anyone else comes after his wife, it was her, not some dumb girl. This shut him up, which I was happy about, not only because I was having a hard time not completely tearing the poor girl up without her being their to defend herself, but also had a hard time not biting his head off. Being at the homeless shelter wasn't that bad and alot of people helped me get over him and sadly it got to the point where my husband wasn't allowed back there unless it was to see the children and if I was there with the kids. This happened, for what my husbands blames solely on me, because he would throw full blown tantrums. People could come up to me after he would storm out, and tell me they saw everything and that they where extremely proud of me for holding my tongue with how he would degrade me, and talk bad about me. ( The shelter was Christ centered). The straw that broke the camels back was when I had to go down to the welcome room, one of the times he did come and visit, to get him to come spend time with his children. He had gone down to play cards after I gave him an ultimatum to choose between his kids, or his girlfriend and gave him the outline of his visitation. He stormed off and i followed and told him to get up there and see his daughter, who he left crying in the cafeteria. She was only 2, 3 now. That day my husband left for good, after he spoiled my birthday by informing me he had bought tickets for him and this girl to go to Italy, France and the Caribbean, i later found out it was only hotel reservations. The people that ran the mission informed him he was no longer allowed to stay in the welcome room, something my husband blamed on me and which turned out it was his attitude and how he continually came and went, and his he treated his children. During all this I had finished the paper work for the divorce, but having not lived in the state for 6 months I wasn't able to petition yet. Repeatedly, my husband would try to stop me, telling me he still wanted to be with me, but wanted his freedom. I told him I wanted freedom to, the same thing he wanted, just with him not in the picture. He also tried to stop me by setting 'dates' up with the kids, knowing fully well I had told him about the meetings I had to file for divorce. Ultimately I told him to figure out what he wanted, because I wasn't waiting any longer, he could choose me and the kids and we could give it a second try or he could continue dating he girlfriend and never see his kids again. Ultimately he choose me and the kids, however he really showed his true colors during those 4 months. The things he did with the girl, where simple things we could have done together, that's the saddest part. Like going to the movies, playing basketball etc, the only difference we have 3 kids. I found out during the time he spent with her, he slept for 3 other women and he and the girl both thought she was pregnant ( is it mean to say I wish she was? Just so I could point at him and go ' nana nana boo boo stick your head in doo doo' ). He says she had text him and told him shes not, but for all he knows she could be. I know that after all this, I don't love him like I used to. I still love him, but its not with that burning to spent time with him. If there was another guy or a girl to spend time with and go do fun things, like play basket ball, shop paint pet rocks. I would prefer to do those things with them, instead of my husband. I love him still, but I don't trust him at all. He isn't remorseful about what he did, he hasn't changed. I feel like I made a huge mistake taking him back. There is no love and hes even told me ' there is no need for me to date my wife. I already have you'. Is there any way to cope or should i just move on? | |||
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Moodiness...
| My wife and I had a great day today and last night. We were just nice to each other and had fun. It's why I married her. We worked all day on our house and I spent about 6 hours outside doing yard work and moving furniture. She worked extremely hard all day cooking, cleaning and other things. She always works extremely hard. So about 4 or so I take a nap because I was just exhausted. I wake up feeling better and looking forward to a nice night with her and her son. I walk in the room and I immediately recognize coldness. I say hi, she doesn't even look at me and just says hey. Normally when she is nice it's hey baby or hi sweetheart. So I can sense something is wrong. So I go in the kitchen and see the chicken on the counter that she is getting ready to cook and I just asked her if she wanted me to cook it and I said but we don't have to if she didn't want since my boys aren't here. I was trying to ease her burden. Her response was. "I just sat down! Can you give me a minute?" and this was in front of her son. I just put my hands up and said ok. Then a few minutes later she is leaving with her son. She always goes away with him without me when she gets mad. Purposely leaving me. Here's my thing. My wife gets so b!tchy when she is tired. It's time I recognize it. I don't think it is right how she takes it out on me. But I need to be smarter than to fall in that trap. I don't understand though. Why does she treat me this way? Look above... I was trying to ease her burden. Was she mad because I took a nap. Or just conveniently found me to pin her anger on. Frankly, she has done this many times. I am really tired of being treated like I am a punching bag. I don't know why I am posting..... I just want my wife to treat me with mutual respect. I really can't deal this throughout the rest of our marriage and I can't live my life walking on eggshells. | |||
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Repeat Cheating Husband
| Hi I need some advice. My husband of 16 yrs had an affair for almost a year about 4 yrs ago. He promised that he would never do anything like that again. Well a few weeks ago I caught him at the other woman's house again. Since it had ended the first time it has been very difficult to move on, I continuously here about him being with her and that they have a child together. When I knocked at her door no one answered, but he did call me after I had left. He said he was sorry and I wouldn't understand. That he just needed someone to talk to about how much he has hurt me, and he had only been seeing her for a month. I left and went to my friends house with our kids for the night. Well about 2 weeks later the other woman finally responds to a text I had sent her and I went to her house. She claims that it was the first time he had come there since they ended the affair. I don't believe her child is his since it does not look anything like him, but I d on't understand why they are lying. I want to move on but I am scared. This man was my very first boyfriend, first kiss, and first everything. I want to believe that they were just talking but I cant. I am hoping someone can give me some good advise. | |||
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Partners friend ..... Awkward situation
| Hey all I was looking for some advice.... Me and my partner had some problems in our relationship around 2 years ago, nobody else involved or affected just us. One of my partners friends doesn't like me because of this and I don't particularly like him either but I am civil towards him but it is not the other way around We had a party this evening and he didn't say a word to me and generally made me feel extremely akward in my own home.... Do you think I should just accept what is or talk to my partner about it?? Thanks in advance Posted from TSR Mobile | |||
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Should I attempt to get her back or just give up?
| I have been broken up with my girlfriend for over two months now. Back in March, she gave me the whole "I love you, but I am not sure I am in love with you right now" speech and we proceeded to break things off. I never begged for her and I never degraded myself to asking her for a second chance. This was, after all, her decision. I told her that if that's how she felt, there was nothing I could do. Over the next couple of weeks, we talked about the break up some and, at one point, I even told her we needed to go our separate ways. She then told me that she didn't know if that's what she wanted and that she was just so confused. She told me she was smothered by her mother (a very controlling woman), by work, by school, and, as well, by me. Sadly, over the 2 and 1/2 years we had been together, we never truly learned how to successfully be apart from each other. On top of that, 5 months earlier, I had asked her to marry me. She said yes, but, during this time, she began to act strange. Overall, I believe her view on marriage and her readiness for a serious relationship became a lot scarier for her than she originally imagined and she freaked out. Determining by what she has told me, I feel like, overall, she just felt like she couldn't currently give me the dedication that I was willing to give her. So, after weeks of dealing with her not knowing what to do, I finally told her that she wasn't ready and that we needed to finally end things. She agreed that she wasn't ready but she also told me that, while she didn't want to tell me to wait on her, she did, in the back of her mind, kind of want that. I told her that I couldn't do that but that I still loved her no matter what. Fast forward about a week later, she began to contact me. We work at the same place, so she would do little things like text me my schedule. I was keeping myself from contacting her, only contacting her back when she contacted me. I always kept it short and straight to the point. Then she started flirting with me at work. Overall, I kept my distance, not flirting back. She would come up and randomly hug me, then say things like "I really miss those," and then walk off. Her job is to answer the phones where we work, but, if it gets super busy, I will jump in and help. Any time I help, she makes it a point to come to the back of the store (where I reside) and tell me thank you. Everyone around the store has noticed her flirty tendencies around me, even saying something to me about it on several occasions. Outside of work, she has texted me randomly about statuses I have made on Facebook and what not. In fact, a week ago, she texted me immediately in response to a picture I put up showing off how much weight I had lost since me and her broke up. She complimented me by telling me that "I looked really good." I played it off and just texted "Thanks." My question is, does there seem like I have a chance for reconciliation with her? I mean, if there is one thing I have learned over the two months that we have been broken up, it is how much I truly love the girl. Should I try to reconnect with her and create some contact with her or should I keep doing my thing? The deal is, I do care about her and I don't want her out of my life. While I'm not wanting a "friendship," I would like her to know that I don't hate her and that I do indeed want a second chance with her if there ever is a right time. Any suggestions? | |||
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Fiancé, depression, can I take a break?
| Okay, I'll give you a "quick" run down of the situation; We've been together for 5 years now, he's been suffering with depression since he was 16 (We are now 23). He's been on medication for 4 years now (his mom and him decided he would start taking the medication without consulting me, not a big deal any more but it obviously still bothers me or I wouldn't bring it up...) Only in the last year has he gone to see a therapist for his depression, cognitive behavioural therapy. In these last 4 years I've basically supported him financially, emotionally, and physically. He's been in school (university, he does not complete his classes and barely attends) and works once to twice a week. During our relationship I've been working full time and attending university full time, I've just finished with a B.A. in Psych. Even when he spends 80% of his time at home he doesn't clean, cook, or take care of the car - he just plays videos games, hangs out with his friends and reads. On top of my sometimes 12 hours a day of work (I'm a youth care worker, I do crazy shift work), I have to come home and still clean up after him and make sure he's eaten (because if I don't feed him he will starve) - and this is now that I'm done school, I don't even remember existing while doing all this plus university. Basically, I'm tired. I'm tired of coming home and having to console him so that he can be a normal human being. I feel like whenever he's sad this immense well of frustration gathers in my chest. I understand depression, I work with it every day in youth, but I feel like he's just sucked every ounce of empathy out of me. In therapy we are working on responsibility and learning to keep his word when he says he's going to do something (like the laundry). However, many months later he is still having a hard time just finishing the laundry - or telling me when the engine light comes on in the car. It's frustrating. And when I bring up a complaint about something (such as the car engine light) he freaks out and cries and goes "I've been trying so hard but it never gets better". I feel like I am his mother, not his partner. We haven't had sex in 4 months because I don't feel any attraction to him any more - which I'm sure isn't helping his depression. I'm short with him now, I'm quick to anger and frustration. I'm questioning my love for him, do I really want to get married to him? If it's like this now, what will it be like when we have kids, etc. I am at the point where I feel like I need to take a few weeks away from him to re-evaluate our relationship. To see if I still want to be in it. But can I do this with someone who is so depressed he can't even make himself food to live? Is it okay for me to pack up and go to my moms for 2 weeks? Will this make our relationship better or is it just an excuse to break up? TL;DR - Fiancé with depression - I'm feeling burnt out - Can I take a break from him? Thanks for any responses, I appreciate them all. | |||
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Long Distance Relationship Problems
| I've been in a LDR for almost a year now, I see my boyfriend for the weekend, (thursday night to sunday), every two weeks if I can. Overall, we've been coping quite well, but for the past month or so I've been struggling quite a bit. A lot of things have happened and I'm not very happy emotionally, when I'm at home I'm very stressed and I tend to blank out my problems and become very cold, which leads to me not really caring about my relationship and not making as much effort to keep in contact as I should. But when I'm with my boyfriend in person everything is fine and happy and we have no problems at all, until I go home, when I start to feel extremely distant again. It's like two different worlds and I don't feel like I'm being fair on him, I've spoke to him about it and he says that it upsets him but he wants to work through it, which I don't know if I can. I'd love to be with him and everything be fine again, but I don't know if that will happen and i don't know if we should drag things along in the hope that I'll start feeling better, because it might never happen. Help? :/ | |||
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not pursuing relationships because of body image issues?
| I'm at the lower end of the healthy weight going by BMI standards (10st, 6'0) but of course that doesn't take into account body composition. I have a fair bit of fat on my stomach so I'm not comfortable with taking my shirt off which makes it difficult to be intimate with a partner. I've girls openly express interest in me but I've kind of just brushed em off and closed myself off assuming they wouldn't be attracted to me. Lets be honest physical attraction is the basis of almost every relationship. What can I do to overcome this problem? (besides going to the gym - I already do) | |||
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Not sure what to do
| My husband and I have been married for 10 years and together 13 years. Both had prior marriages where the spouse cheated. About 8 months my husband became friends with this guy and we started hanging out with him and his wife. About 2months or so after we started hanging out with them my husband and I got in an arguement and he told me that she asked him why does your wife always tell you what to do, does she think she's your mom and he agreed with her. Mind you I wasn't doing anything different than I had when we had been out or with other couples. About a month ago we had this couple over for a bonfire. Everyone was drinking but me. My husband and this women drank up a storm and she was very touchy freely with him. I was like a hawk didn't leave them alone at all. Eventually her breast rubbed against my husbands hand not once twice because she was so close to him. Well needless to say I was livid. I kept my cool and when they left I confronted him on it. He said it didn't happen but as time has gone on now he says it might have but she was drunk. Well during this time he has been on his cell phone more and more and something seemed off so I checked our phones and he texts with this women all day and half the night. I confronted him on that and he says nothing is going on they can just talk about everything. Well after a month of endless conversation about this the one thing I know that he loves me wants to be with me but he is not willing to not talk to this women. That hurts and I am not sure if it is something or not. He doesn't talk as much with her and tells me he sees her like one of the guys but she's not. In my opinion she is looking for something from my husband and he is too dense to see it. I don't think it's normal for a ,arrived women to talk to someone's husband about personnel things that aren't his business. Her marriage is having problems and to me she is using my husband for emotional support. Please help me put this in perspective. I need to know how not to be insecure. He still talks to her but only if I ask do I know he is. It is a lot less but I still have a bad feeling about it. Any help would be appreciated and if you need more info please let me know. | |||
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Reel Push Mowers
| Has anyone used them? I'm thinking of hanging up my weed eater and getting a reel push mower. I like the fact that I can get a really neat cut from my weed eater, but I'm excited about the idea of not having to buy and mix gas. Any experiences? | |||
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Wheel Chair Guy Separated For Two Months HELP!!!
| All, My wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 19, lets just say I was her first real boyfriend. I was in a car accident at the age of 16 which led to paralysis from mid thigh down. I met my wife in a wheelchair at a shoe store she worked at and fell in love instantly. We exchanged numbers and the rest is history! Her parents split when she was 18 (there back together now) so she moved into one of the spare bedrooms with me at my parents house. My wife would always say were getting married you just don't know and I would always deny this but in a joking type of way. I felt she was real mature for her age and didn't allow my situation being in a wheelchair to affect her decision on loving me and seeing us being together for the rest of our lives. Fast foward to 2011 during this time we are both working and have good paying jobs for our age. I'm 29 and she's 27 and were in the process of getting our house built and she's working on the plans for our 2013 wedding. During this time we tend to argue about any and everything maybe due to the stress of trying to balance different things. I tend to not allow my medical condition to get to me but every once in a while I would say hurtful things and vice versa. Never anything physical just verbal. She has friends and cousins who are somewhat jealous of her because she's doing good for herself and looking forward to married life. After we got married we still stayed with my parents for a couple months while our house being finished. Once we moved into our house and the wedding was over with I think my wife had a what now moment. Our communication seemed to go down hill and I don't know if this had to do with being on our own and having responsibilties or what. My wife created an Instagram page behing my back and was feeding off the attention from random guys. She said that she didn't love herself and how could she love me and looked at me as her bestfriend rather than her husband so suggested we separate so she can work on herself. I didn't want the separation so she just didn't come home after work and went to her parents house. It's been two months since she's been gone and we hung out a couple times and text each other with me initiating the contact but she responds and keeps the conversation going. She said she can't come back as my wife and that it's too late :scratchhead: She said she wants me to be her bestfriend which is confusing because I thought your husband is your bestfriend, soul mate, etc. Were going out to dinner next week when she gets off work and I don't if I should address the whole bestfriend issue and let her know I'm not okay with just being a bestfriend. I think she's confused and not thinking clearly but likes the freedom to come and go without answering to anyone. She's still on Instagram feeding off the attention from these random strangers. Any Advice????? | |||
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What am I doing wrong...2 months watching and nothing
| Sorry this will be long.... Background: I'm 27 W is 29. Been together 8 yrs/married 4 No kids. Knew each other since grade school but weren't really friends more like acquaintances (different grades and social cliques). After high school ended up going to the same college as her and we bonded and eventually started dating after my first year. Long story short I ended up leaving school the next year, got disowned by my folks, and then lived with her in her apartment her parents paid for. Her parents eventually fell on hard times and couldn't afford her apartment so I ended up working 2 full time jobs and rented us a place so she didn't have to work and focus on school. This continued as she went back to get her MBA. Despite all the hrs and how tired I was I always made time for her and showed my love and support for her and she did the same Right after getting the MBA she got hired cross country for a job that paid 120k a yr. Yr later we were married and she encourage me to go back to school get my degree as well. (I put off going back until last year) Fast Forward to now: Since Dec/Jan she has been acting strange. She isn't mean or cold towards me just sad and withdrawn all the time and not wanting sex. She has to travel a lot more since then for her job and when she home she works later hrs. (I at first didn't think much of this since she recently got promoted). She also began to working out more (despite the fact that she is was already in perfect shape) at night at the 24 gym by our house and having girls night more frequently. I started getting suspicious on Valentines when despite everything I did to romance her that day she was extra sad for some reason she wouldn't even braking down crying at one point and wouldn't tell me why. My friend pointed out she could be cheating so I hit google and found out about the red flags she is throwing up. I eventually found this site and was lurking for a while and learned the do's and don't's in this kind of situation. Mid-April after my b-day (which I didn't even see her most of the day) I went full Jame Bond on her a##. I got 3 vars put one underneath the her driver seat, in the bedroom behind my nightstand next to the bed, and in our den where she spends most of her time in the house. I also installed a gps tracker in her car, key logged her laptop, keeping tabs on the phone bill for frequent unknown numbers and even put up a few spy cameras in the house. 2 months later and still nothing but nothing has changed really. If anything she is even more depressed. I just can't shake the felling something is wrong. What am I missing? (Sorry for the short story) | |||
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Very New Marriage Already on the Rocks
| Hi there. My story is rather complicated and includes several different matters. I hope you all can be patient with me and bear through it all, because I am desperate for advice. I have been with my husband for almost three years, and married for the last seven months of it. When we began dating, and through his deployment overseas and throughout our time together, we have been doing wonderfully. That is, until about one year ago, when the slope became slippery and I began sliding. Almost a year to this day ago, I lost my father to suicide. It was obviously unexpected and very tragic. Initially, losing him was earth shattering--my then-fiance was overseas, and had been as supportive as possible given the circumstances. From the second I got the call, to the day I picked up his final death certificates months later, I was in charge of all the logistics post-suicide, as I was next of kin. I was supported by my family a huge deal, but here's the second wrench---a mere month after he died, I was shipped off to boot camp to begin my military training. Boot camp was extremely distressing, seeing as I was already in a state of depression. Following that, I moved to another state to do my job training, which further alienated me from everyone. At this point, I still didn't confide in many people outside of family about my loss, as I was afraid of judgement and being ostracized. Then, early this year, my husband and I moved to my permanent duty station. Suddenly, my schedule became somewhat normal again, and we began settling into a routine. My husband began working soon after. Our schedules seldom sync up--he works weekends and later shifts, coming home later in the evening (7pm on...) and I work early in the morning to midafternoon, with weekends off. Needless to say, we dont really see each other often. With this schedule, I have a lot of alone time, which has translated into extreme grieving time. Anyone who has lost someone to suicide understands that there are a plethora of emotions that follow. For me, the most dominant have been depression, anger, bitterness, and EXTREME guilt. Although it's not rational, I feel that I am responsible for my father's suicide. Here's why: my dad and I had an extremely rocky relationship. When I was a child, he was either absent or emotionally/mentally abusive. When I was a young teenager and my parents divorced, he became sexually abusive on top of the rest....the events are fuzzy in my memory, and didn't really surface until I was older. Still, I reentered my dad's life when I was in college to help take care of him...he had become disabled, and he essentially guilted me into providing for him. Over the course of a year (or more, hard to remember), I worked and went to school full-time, and supported my father through his financial and physical troubles. It was a toxic relationship, to say the least. There was no longer any sexual abuse. It felt more like an elephant in the room--here I am, taking care of my father, while he refuses to acknowledge that he has damaged me so severely. While I was caring for him, I vividly remember him telling me, "If it weren't for you, I'd kill myself." Long story short, I ended up transferring to a different university to finish my degree, and our communication ceased. I told my mom (finally) about the abuse, and months later, she confronted my dad about it. He screamed at her, telling her I was a compulsive liar and a drama queen. Our father-daughter relationship, whatever it was, ended permanently from that point forward. Then, he killed himself last year. And I have been a wreck. All the abandonment issues, the difficulty with closeness, the extreme anxiety about intimacy, all of it has resurfaced, and then some. All my therapy that I had done in the past seemed negated, and although I am restarting therapy again, I feel completely lost. As a result, I have become emotionally and physically detached from my husband. He is a phenomenal guy, but I am so broken that I cannot maintain our relationship properly. I am not able to be physically intimate at all, I suffer from insomnia, I have frequent anxiety issues, and I cry almost daily, to the point of hysterics. I feel so guilt-ridden, mostly because I feel like I killed my own father, and that I can't nurture my new marriage. Here's the final detail. Because I am in the military, I am displaced from my family and friends. My job is military police, essentially, so I stand post with usually one or two individuals for nine-ten hours daily. As a result, I have bonded deeply with one particular male officer. He is also married, but has a similar personality to mine, and we have developed a great friendship. I tell my husband about him, and I am completely honest. I have already told him that I am being more emotionally fulfilled by a coworker than by him. Overall, this is one more thing that I feel extremely guilt-ridden over. So now, here I am: close to another man (who is not my husband!), rarely seeing my husband at all, depressed whenever I come home (work is a welcome distraction, as I like my job and obviously, my coworkers), and questioning my ability to be in a serious relationship because I feel myself completely detaching. I feel like I'm in a fish bowl, where the depression is rapidly paralyzing me. My instinct in the past has been to "run" and leave my relationship, in an attempt to feel less out-of-control and less guilt-ridden. I know this is a lot, but please, if anyone can offer advice, please let me know. | |||
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International AND?
| I think each day is becoming hard for me, I've had past relationships which turned out not as expected either the guy was a dick or it was just not meant to be. Now I'm with someone and he is something totally different. Nothing like my past relationship he is loving, caring, supportive you name it he's exactly that. I'm 20 he's 24 which is fine. The fact that he's an international student at my University that doesn't bother me the slightest, as long as he's a good person who's earning a degree in something which I think is great (by the way he's studying HND in Business and will do it at degree level soon after graduating) so with what he's doing it's great. The problem is my parent's, because he's from abroad there thinking is totally wrong. I mean I've known him for over a year, so we've been together for 3 months but he didn't have the courage to tell me before or otherwise we would have been together for over a year now. My parent's know him too as he is really far family friend/related. My only concern is my parent's, how do I go about with this to them? | |||
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Unhappy
| Hi everyone, I need a rant about my marriage & don't really have anyone to talk too! I've been with my husband for almost 18 years, got together when I was 16. Had a child together quite early on & got married. We've had our ups & downs over the years, about 7 years of being together he didnt want to be with me anymore, I found texts & he had been seeing this girl, he says nothing happened! But we worked it out & moved on, few years later some more strange going ons, meeting up with old friends, who happened to be female, was meant to be a group meeting but turnt out just the two of them. I did try to go along but he'd always guilt me into not going. Year or so after that I had a guy paying me attention, nothing happened. Just nice for some attention lol. Around that time I heard thru the grapevine my hubby had been kissing girls & got numbers on a boys night out. So I split up with him. Wasn't for very long, month or so. He always manages to talk me round. So we're back together & I got friendly with someone online, just chatting obviously telling me things I want to hear. Spoke for about 18 months then I agreed to meet him, while I was away for a weekend. I did sleep with this man but felt so guilty when I got home & back to reality I stopped all contact. Thought really gotta try to get my marriage to work, by now we have two children. So things get better but I have some health issues & have been in n out of hospital for the past three years. Obviously it puts a strain on the marriage, but I started noticing things. Like my hubby doesn't come to bed, at first the excuse was he didn't want to Hurt me after any operations I've had, fair enough but now I can't remember the last time he slept in our bed, he stays on the sofa. He only comes up to bed if he wants sex, but then I'm annoyed that's the only reason he comes to bed. Sometimes I'll just have sex with him cos I can't be arsed with the argument or him having a strop. We don't kiss, cuddle or show any affection. Some of this is my fault because one of my operations was to have a colostomy bag fitted, and felt very unattractive with it. He has been there looking after me after every operation. But lately I feel like a house keeper, he moans at me if his clothes haven't been washed straight away, he's a fussy eater & I have to decide what we're eating everyday for him to say I don't want that, we can have arguments in the supermarket about what we're gonna eat, I hate food shopping with him! I've been at work today & he's been off, asked him to Put dinner on & he says no you cook it. I'm so tired can't be bothered to argue so just do it. I can't talk to him about any of this because he just gets stroppy & I can't deal with him shouting. In front of my friends he can do no wrong, he'll go out of his way to help them & is just a nice guy. Sometimes he works away & I enjoy him not being here feels so much less stressful, my mood can change the moment he's back. I can't imagine he's happy with how things are, I know I'm not but can't bring myself to tell him. So my story continues the guy I met online is back, I haven't spoken to him in 7 years & the connection is still exactly the same. He has told me he wants to be with me, but I'm not totally stupid I know the reality could be very different to the fantasy. I am attracted to this man but he's not the greatest looking person, sounds so shallow lol. But I've told him nothing will happen again while I'm with my hubby. I just don't know what to do, I'm so unhappy & I think my hubby would be hurt to know its him making me unhappy. I just don't know what to do. I've probably missed bits out of my story, and when I had my colostomy I did push my hubby away so I know he's not totally at fault! Posted via Mobile Device | |||
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