Very New Marriage Already on the Rocks

Hi there. My story is rather complicated and includes several different matters. I hope you all can be patient with me and bear through it all, because I am desperate for advice. I have been with my husband for almost three years, and married for the last seven months of it. When we began dating, and through his deployment overseas and throughout our time together, we have been doing wonderfully. That is, until about one year ago, when the slope became slippery and I began sliding. Almost a year to this day ago, I lost my father to suicide. It was obviously unexpected and very tragic. Initially, losing him was earth shattering--my then-fiance was overseas, and had been as supportive as possible given the circumstances. From the second I got the call, to the day I picked up his final death certificates months later, I was in charge of all the logistics post-suicide, as I was next of kin. I was supported by my family a huge deal, but here's the second wrench---a mere month after he died, I was shipped off to boot camp to begin my military training. Boot camp was extremely distressing, seeing as I was already in a state of depression. Following that, I moved to another state to do my job training, which further alienated me from everyone. At this point, I still didn't confide in many people outside of family about my loss, as I was afraid of judgement and being ostracized. Then, early this year, my husband and I moved to my permanent duty station. Suddenly, my schedule became somewhat normal again, and we began settling into a routine. My husband began working soon after. Our schedules seldom sync up--he works weekends and later shifts, coming home later in the evening (7pm on...) and I work early in the morning to midafternoon, with weekends off. Needless to say, we dont really see each other often. With this schedule, I have a lot of alone time, which has translated into extreme grieving time. Anyone who has lost someone to suicide understands that there are a plethora of emotions that follow. For me, the most dominant have been depression, anger, bitterness, and EXTREME guilt. Although it's not rational, I feel that I am responsible for my father's suicide. Here's why: my dad and I had an extremely rocky relationship. When I was a child, he was either absent or emotionally/mentally abusive. When I was a young teenager and my parents divorced, he became sexually abusive on top of the rest....the events are fuzzy in my memory, and didn't really surface until I was older. Still, I reentered my dad's life when I was in college to help take care of him...he had become disabled, and he essentially guilted me into providing for him. Over the course of a year (or more, hard to remember), I worked and went to school full-time, and supported my father through his financial and physical troubles. It was a toxic relationship, to say the least. There was no longer any sexual abuse. It felt more like an elephant in the room--here I am, taking care of my father, while he refuses to acknowledge that he has damaged me so severely. While I was caring for him, I vividly remember him telling me, "If it weren't for you, I'd kill myself." Long story short, I ended up transferring to a different university to finish my degree, and our communication ceased. I told my mom (finally) about the abuse, and months later, she confronted my dad about it. He screamed at her, telling her I was a compulsive liar and a drama queen. Our father-daughter relationship, whatever it was, ended permanently from that point forward. Then, he killed himself last year. And I have been a wreck. All the abandonment issues, the difficulty with closeness, the extreme anxiety about intimacy, all of it has resurfaced, and then some. All my therapy that I had done in the past seemed negated, and although I am restarting therapy again, I feel completely lost. As a result, I have become emotionally and physically detached from my husband. He is a phenomenal guy, but I am so broken that I cannot maintain our relationship properly. I am not able to be physically intimate at all, I suffer from insomnia, I have frequent anxiety issues, and I cry almost daily, to the point of hysterics. I feel so guilt-ridden, mostly because I feel like I killed my own father, and that I can't nurture my new marriage. Here's the final detail. Because I am in the military, I am displaced from my family and friends. My job is military police, essentially, so I stand post with usually one or two individuals for nine-ten hours daily. As a result, I have bonded deeply with one particular male officer. He is also married, but has a similar personality to mine, and we have developed a great friendship. I tell my husband about him, and I am completely honest. I have already told him that I am being more emotionally fulfilled by a coworker than by him. Overall, this is one more thing that I feel extremely guilt-ridden over. So now, here I am: close to another man (who is not my husband!), rarely seeing my husband at all, depressed whenever I come home (work is a welcome distraction, as I like my job and obviously, my coworkers), and questioning my ability to be in a serious relationship because I feel myself completely detaching. I feel like I'm in a fish bowl, where the depression is rapidly paralyzing me. My instinct in the past has been to "run" and leave my relationship, in an attempt to feel less out-of-control and less guilt-ridden. I know this is a lot, but please, if anyone can offer advice, please let me know.

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