At the time of my DDay, my world was crushed. I literally was devastated beyond anything I ever thought I would have to deal with. The loss of family by someone's choice as opposed to a tragic accident... I made all the wrong mistakes. I tried to 'nice' her back. I did not find TAM until basically I was divorced.
I still had issues. I found an amazingly gorgeous woman I was dating for about 16 months. She has BPD. That was rough at times, but because I know what it was like to have my life thrown away. I did not just discard her. I gave her the opportunity to work on herself, but it didn't happen. I will always have a place in my heart for her. My kids love her but the cycle where she pushed us away. That was too much.
When I went through my ordeal, my then wife told me how it was all my fault and told me all of my flaws, they were exaggerated, but they were flaws.
I spent the time working on myself, going to the gym, learning who I was and working on who I wanted to be. I started really working on that. What I had was a strong moral conviction about what is right and wrong.
I was honest with my kids. I left out details as I didn't want them to know everything, but I let them know the truth. The prevailing thought used to be 'shield the children'... What that gets you are children who are upset because you lied to them and you also get rolled in court. You have to settle for half.
My two oldest 12,13 have basically lived with me 95% since this school year began and even longer. My EX refused to let them go to my school district so I drive them to school every day and pick them up, half hour away. It is a great inconvenience.
It came down to court this week. It is a scheduling for what will come. My lawyer flat out told me that before, I had to settle because she was a SaHM and I worked and travelled. Now I don't have to settle at all.
This is because of my actions and no one else. My EX wanted to leave the family. Go ahead, but leave my kids.
I am the one who cooks
I am the one who does the laundry
I am the one who hand sews patches on
I am the one who spends quality time
I am the one who takes them to practice and games
I am the one who got them to pull the grades up to 2nd honors
I am their rock. God is mine.
It was just Thanksgiving. My EX was supposed to have the kids. I told them I will not force them to do what they do not want to do. I am past that. I told them it was their mom's turn and when they asked to stay with me, I said you just have to tell your mom. It is your choice. I was working when she came and my two oldest told her so. Two of the three stayed with me. I did not ask. They chose.
I am not disobeying the court doctrine, but I am not going to be put in a position where I have to do what is not in the best interest of my kids.
They need their mother, but she needs to be a mother first. She never came out of the fog even for her own children. I told the new girl I was dating that my boys will fight for her attention, and when we went to dinner, I pulled her chair out and my two youngest immediately sat on either side. It was cute. They vie for the attention of pretty girls. I was fine sitting across. I got to see her better:) I talk to my boys. I told them about my old girlfriend, they understand because they saw how she could act. I told them not to be mad at her because she reminded them that they deserved to be loved.
Good things will come to you when you stand up for yourself. They will come to you when you stand on your moral ground. You may lose something in court. You may lose something in life, but if you are honest and true to yourself, then you will set an example for those to follow.
When you allow others to dictate what will happen, especially when they do bad things, then you will lose badly.
I have a friend who went through what so many of us went through and he has been passive about the non sense with his kids. It did not work out nearly as well for him.
My boys will be men someday. They will look at my examples of what I did right and wrong. They will see what it is like to have true courage. They will see that I fought for my family. They know what it is like to take a stand.
I found out that my wife's boyfriend got in my oldest's face a while ago. If I had know then, I probably would have done something I would now regret. God's grace was there for me. I did set him straight though:)
When you are weak, you allow for people to take advantage of you. Kindness to a WS is weakness. If you have an action that they will perceive as weakness but you think it is kindness, you will be seen as weak, not kind. There is no NICE out of an affair. I know who I am. I am becoming who I was meant to be all along. I took the time for the introspection after DDay and I committed myself to being a better me.
The law says 50%. There is no way that my WS who cheated and takes everything you worked hard for deserves that. I stopped doing what was deemed civil and correct. I started doing what is right. She wanted to leave. Fine go! Leave the kids. They need guidance. They need someone to be on them about their grades and their life. Let that be me! If she wants to help a little, fine... I will lead in this. My boys choose to be with me 90+% of the time and I stopped telling them no.
Yes I am tired. Yes I work all the time. Yes I am digging myself out of the hole that divorce created. My life is really really good. My EX has no idea why the kids don't respect her. It is so simple. You traded their happiness for yours... No GOOD MOM would ever ever ever do that!
When I stood up and said enough. Right is right. That is when things started happening. 'Courage to the man who struggles to be himself in a world that every day tries to change him into what it wants him to be!'
The lawyers, the law... It is all good. I don't bribe my kids. My son chose to come over my house and face the punishment I gave him for acting up in school instead of fooling around at his mom's on her weekend. My son will be a man someday. He will not be just another adult male.
The mess, the whole divorce crap. I was honest with my sons. I slept with my youngest when he cried. I talked to my boys. I gave them an example of being strong. I gave them my unconditional love but I was strong for them. I held them to be better than what their circumstances would want them to be.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
My two oldest will be playing for the National Championship in soccer next week. My oldest is getting a scholarship to a great private school. I still sleep on the floor and don't have a couch but seriously I would not trade my life for any other.
As for the women... There are so many women out there who want a man, a good one. It is amazing how many nice beautiful ladies there are that appreciate a man who will be strong, who gets the job done, and has his priorities straight.
When you sit back because you are afraid of being a man and the perceived consequences, well that is when you doom yourself. It has been shown over and over and over on this forum. You cannot foresee all of the consequences. You can only choose your actions. Choose to be strong. Choose to do what is right in your heart. Choose to be an example as opposed to a statistic. The outcome may not be what you hoped for, but you will hold yourself up as a man and when it is your day to be judged, all you can hope for is a.. 'You did alright. Come on in.'
My boots. They are Lucchese. I got them in TN. I put them on sometimes when I need to cowboy up. Do not chose to be passive when your family is being ripped apart. Do not chose to be vindictive. Choose to be strong and do what is right by you. You may very well lose some things but you will be your children's hero if you decide to be a man.
May God bless you all in this season and remember you are the only person responsible for your own happiness. Lead your heart. Do not follow it for it will truly deceive you.
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