| Hi people and thanks for dropping in on this. We separated 5mths ago and my daughter, 11, went with my ex to her new place 10 mins away and I'm still out at our house for now. We decided she should live with her , I dunno being female, so young , going through our separation. I just thought being with her mum will help and I'd hate to deprive her of her mum. Trouble is , our idea was for her to come out to my place most w/ends and weekdays I'd go see her there. Thing is , she's had a bit of anxiety coming out lately. Things are sinking in more for us all so I can only imagine it for her, especially coming back to the family home but - no family. That's hard enough for me. But she often just the last 6-7wks or so , gets upset for a few hrs when she first gets here but , if we get her through she comes good , we get back to just us and usually have great w/ends in the end. A lot of her friends come out to stay too and they all have a ball and love hanging out here. They always stayed a lot to even before the sep' too because one , they loved hanging out here but two , my daughter always had trouble staying at their places, not just here now. We also had to pick her up early on school camps too usually but the last couple have gone really well and she's stayed the lot. So we've still got though the sleep over thing when she comes out to here to start but the second thing is a lot of her friends are in town and nice and handy to where she's living now, where as we're on 1ac here and 10 mins out. Mind you , she's not even that close to the friends that are in town anyway, her best friends all live out on ac's like here. One's just a bike ride up the road. But I just don't know how to handle this. Since the anxiety started kicking in , she's coming up with excuses every week lately to stay home in town and if it wasn't for me pushing she'd hardly get out here at all lately and that means WE , don't get to stay together. So, I'm always giving her a nudge lately or it just isn't gonna happen. We get a long really well, if friends stay they all love it out here too and once she comes good we always find our feet and end up having just beautiful weekends- she even says that all the time. She even says she does love coming out and loves spending as much time with me as poss' , insisting she wants to see as much of me as we can. But still, it keeps taking a push lately , more and more to actually get her here first. Ex says she's just coming into the age of it's all about friends friends friends , but most of her best are out of town anyway. Last weekend I had to go over and drag her out of bed at 11 o'clock- not literally but I did have to say well you know , you coming or what. Come on get your stuff and we'll get going. Again we had a beautiful w/end , she got a bit upset to start but we came good and she didn't wanna leave Sunday. This w/end again, they were having a pool party in town , all the girls had been planning it for weeks. OK you stay in the w/end and enjoy yourself hey. Thanks dad , sorry but you know I really wanna see you it's just this is only once a yr. And well , it rained didn't it , pool didn't open , none of the friends went in and she just stayed home. Turns out she only went to the pictures though last night with one friend she doesn't even like anyway. Thing is every week now for 6 or 7 wks, excuse after excuse , avoidance when the time comes, or gets upset later instead maybe and I end up taking her home early. Or she tells me something on and she can't come , turns out nothing was on. I thought it might've been my ex but she keeps telling me she's fine with it , wants her to see as much of me as she can. But ex says to that it's one that town thing and two her anxiety thing always kicks in at the last minute. Ex says she's always trying to get her[mum] to make an excuse. This really really hurts my feelings , all of it and I just don't know how I should be handling her /it and viewing it. It's like lately if I don't keep on it , she'll never stay anymore. Even though we always have a ball , her friends do too but crunch time, she try's to back out. What the hell do I do with this ? Should I be firmer on it , insist , this is the way it is ? Should I do the opposite , let her off the hook , stop pushing it - She'd never stay the way she's going though if I did that. And all the stuff she does do in town all her best friends go in from out here to meet up for anyway just like she use to and could now instead of staying home. Hell I'm always running them all in and picking everyone up and they all love us running a round . They say I'm cool :) So what the hell do I do with her ? Hell if I have to visit her there all the time instead of some of our own personal time on our own turf , just no good! | |||
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
I really need your help and advice with my 11yold girl and separation !
Wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me, has PHOBIA
| Hi, First post here. My wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me. In three years of marriage she has given me head *maybe* three times all of them she just opens her mouth in bed and wants me to stick it in her mouth she does't even suck its all teeth and last less than a minute and I give up because its horriable. On our first date she sucked me dry and would give me head first year of dating after that is it non existant. I feel that she set me up for marriage she trapped me. I've asked her about it several times and she always tells me its "gross". I have always told her that I would thoroughly wash my unit first (shower) and I would NEVER cum in her mouth. (I don't even want to, I perfer cumming on her ass or belly) It has become extremely frustrating, I'm unhappy that my loving beautiful wife is so irrational and phobic regarding this aspect of our sex life. Are there any guys out there who have successfully overcome an oral sex phobia with their SO? Therapy is probably not an option because as far as she is concerned there is no problem to be addressed. I dont want to be unfaithful, I have had women tell me they will do anything my wife won't do in an attempt to get some action but I haven't even considered it. BTW, she is not interested recieving any oral sex and won't even let me try. She has not been sexually abused before she met me. Her objections seem to be entirely on aesthetic grounds. TIA | |||
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My husband should have been a monk
| He was a bartender when I met him, now he's an abstinent, health-crazed workaholic. I'm the best wife and business partner (we run a farm) he could have found—after him, I'm the hardest worker I know. Unlikely him, however, I recognize and try to accommodate the need for rest and leisure. He pays lip service to the idea but never stops working. Or passing judgment on everyone else. We've been farming together for 7 years and have been married for 4. He also works a full time job as a janitor. Now we have two kids. If it weren't for the kids, I'd leave him. We've been to counseling and communicate well, but I can't be happy with the person he's become, and I don't see him changing. He's never satisfied with what I feed the kids (a big insult for someone who grows and lovingly prepares everything she feeds her kids), he resents taking time off for holidays (the only time he'll ever take off), he can't see the virtue in anything that isn't sacrificial in some way. He's completely devoted to his family, but only on his terms. From his perspective, compromising with me would mean sacrificing his principles. No one can relax around him. He should have been a monk. Maybe I could continue as his business partner and roommate for the next 16 years, until the kids are in college. We're rational people and could probably grow accustomed to it. But I also have a passionate side that feels I deserve better. | |||
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BF not interested in sex
| Hey guys, So I'm a 20 year old uni student and I've been dating my 23 year old bf for almost 2 years now. He's the type of guy that has no problem pointing out what girls are hot and has no issue letting everyone know how much he loves sex. He lost his virginity when he was 14 and I guess was a man whore growing up. I instead lost mine to him and he's the only guy I have had sex with. When we first started dating the comments were like 'I hope you're a horny little one, cause otherwise this won't work'. He has always had no problems reaching climax when we have sex and always seemed satisfied. He has been one to watch porn and wank, which I don't mind, totally normal for guys and chics too. The thing is he has totally lost interest in sex lately. IT started gradual going from almost every night to a couple a week. Then it went to only once a fortnight, and only if I initiate it. Now I'm getting rejected sometimes. And it got to the point where it really started to hurt me and he's found me crying some nights. I have tried talking to him about it, and he's said it has nothing to do with, he's still attracted to me. He reckons that even if we was single, that he wouldn't be trying to have sex with other hot girls. But the thing is that, I know he is still watching porn and wanking. So it's not as if he is having issues. He reckons that sex used to be fun but now it's boring. and not because of me, just sex in general. But if he gets off watching other people having sex, why can't we do what ever he watches and likes? He knows how much this effects me but cause I don't want to be in a relationship when I'm 40 and not having sex like my parents. Forgive me for sound ing corny, but sex is a way of connecting when you love someone. It's not that orgasm that I miss, cause I can do that fine by myself. It's sharing it with him, that affects me so much. He reckons that I need to stop thinking about the future, that it's just a phase, and I need to get over it. But seriously, this shouldn't be happening in a r'ship that's only been going for 2 years, when we are so young,right? I'm trying to ignore it, and just be happy around him cause I know he's getting sick of me being upset over it. I really don't wanna leave someone I love when everything else is good just because of sex. But it's an important part of a r'ship to me. I'm thinking I'm going to act as if nothing is wrong for 2 months, without initiating any sex, and not be upset about it. But if after 2 months, he hasn't tried and is still wanking, that I need to think about moving on. Which just kills me thinking about it. Anyone help or give some thoughts from an outsiders view? | |||
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Why do girls like guys with Tattoo ?
| Why do girls like guys with Tattoo ? what do you think ? | |||
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how can you tell if a girl really like or loves you
| how can you tell if a girl really likes you, really loves you and has feelings for you. i met this girl and we went out 10xs and she tells me this. im not the most experience guy when it comes to dating too and im in my early 30s how can you tell other than just believing her. i say this since i also notice her stories dont match up, lot of silences and pauses when i ask her a quesitons, and stories dont add up or later ask again and its a different answer,says she goes counsellor at 6 and then doesnt bother to meet me after on a friday since we always meet up on fridays. how long can a counselling session be 1 hr tops. i also notice she makes jokes or just kidding with stuff that arent even funny. like complaining that i didnt have a car indirectly on the first few dates and when i do get one she says i dont feel comfortable sitting in ur car. ah i question her on that and she said she was just joking. how is that a joke. its annoying pros-she texts me a lot and say she misses me and thinks about me . she says she loves me , says im the best bf, pretty inlove wiht me ...... any way you can tell a girl really likes or loves you other than just believing what you hear im thinking of not paying for meals-50/50 and just meeting up at a coffeeshop instead of drving her and picking her up. if she still sees me then i know its real she holds my hand and arm very tight as we are a couple and lets me kiss her . also one date she says she likes me and enjoys time and has feeling with me, other time she loves me and another time im ok and bearable. so its like wishy washy answers. | |||
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Ex girlfriend contacting me after a year
| Alright so I was with this girl for 4 years, starting when i was 16. Then she broke up with me and after a few months we started going out again for about a year, and then she left me again. I guess a big part of it was my jealousy and slight controlling issues. I just loved her so much and wanted her all to myself... I've fixed my personal problems such as insecurity. Anyway, lately she has been calling me late at night. We talk for about a half hour at a time, pretty much just catching up. I can tell she misses me, although I don't know in what capacity. She has a boyfriend, they've been together basically since we broke up, about a year now. They live together. I don't know how I should react to the situation. I'm madly in love with here and have been since I was 16, I never doubted it and I never stopped. Someone give me some kind of advice please... I try not to get to happy that shes been contacting me since shes in a relationshi p but I cant help but think it means maybe I have another chance with her | |||
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Cutting back on porn raises motivation to romance wife
| I tried cutting back on porn to increase my dedication to romancing my wife more and it is working. | |||
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Lightbulb moment and questions about self esteem
| As you are all painfully aware, I have been hugely torn over my marriage for the past several months. Every day, instead of feeling more confident and having a direction, I seem to have spiraled downward into depression and major indecisiveness. The problem is: I want a divorce. I know I do. BUT...I can't stop second guessing myself as far as is it the RIGHT thing to do. I worry about how it will affect our son, my H, my family, money, everything else but worrying about ME! When it comes down to it, I have a hard time with validating my own feelings. Today, thinking about a lot of issues in my life, particularly my marriage, I felt so stuck, so torn, so hopeless that I will ever be happy. Then I remembered something my therapist said about me having self-esteem issues. It has been said here on TAM also. At first, I didn't think I had self esteem issues...I am not ashamed of my body, my looks are better than average (I'm no model but I'm not ugly or even plain looking), I know that I'm intelligent, I am confident talking to complete strangers...so WTF am I lacking in self esteem? Well, it hit me: I allow people's behavior towards me to dictate how I feel. If my H is angry or sad, I instantly assume I'm to blame. If my boss is a b***h one day but the next day is very sweet, my emotions towards her change accordingly. If someone is rude or thoughtless or disrespectful towards me, I absorb it and wonder what I did to make them treat me like that. It's a more subtle form of low self esteem, but crippling nonetheless. I feel empowered with this understanding. I know it's been hammered on so many times on TAM: you can't change other people's behavior, you can only change your reaction to their behavior. I understood it, but couldn't really embrace it until now. I get it. What it means to me is: it's ok for me to have feelings, wants, needs, ambition, etc REGARDLESS of whether my H agrees with them. It's ok to disappoint people by not always living up to their expectations of you. I need to live up to MY expectations of me first. And I haven't done a good job of that. I want to change that starting now. One thing my therapist pointed out is that my H and I are completely enmeshed...H likes it this way, but I don't. He relies on me for everything emotionally: for validation, for happiness, for fun, for companionship, everything. He has no close friends that he spends time with outside of work. He doesn't spend time with his brothers except for holiday occasions. He wants to spend every waking minute with me. It's exhausting and it makes me want to pull away. My question is: I'd like to try to find something to do on my own, maybe once a week or so...something he can't invite himself to go along with (which he invariably does, even if it's just me running to the store to get tampons!). He views any time we are not working as valuable family time. If I were to choose to do something in the evening after work one day a week, he'd be incensed. I could maybe get away with doing something on a weekend day, although he'd be upset that I would be choosing to spend potential 'family time' alone. If I choose to spend time away from him and our son once a week for a couple of hours, am I really being that selfish? I don't think so, but I'd like your input in this, to help me build confidence in doing things for myself that make ME happy even if they don't make HIM happy. It's all leading up to the ultimate act of making ME happy resulting in his being VERY unhappy (divorce). I have to start somewhere in building my confidence. Any thoughts? I hope this makes sense :confused: | |||
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separated but should live together???
| together but separated..dont know how :( my husband and i are from different race,im an asian and he is caucasian we are married for four years now and we have a 3yr old kid.hubs and i would always fight about little things,sometimes i thought maybe it was just because of cultural differences and to add to the fact that i cant forget what i have found out 2 yrs back;chat messages from her ex gf saying that she wants my husband back and that she is just waiting for us to separate blah blah,from then on i started being paranoid,suspicios and what not,my hubs assured me that he wants nothing from that biatch anymore.for the whole time after i found out about the chat messages,our fight would end up because of that ex gf,i would give him reason such as "i am acting like this because of that biatch...blah blah " for which i kow is pathetic. Two nights ago again hubs and i fought and ,he kind of said to me that he doesnt love me anymore,he even told me that he doesnt know what love is,it hurts nd i cried when he told me t his,after minutes of contemplating i opened up to him that i want to end the relationship,then he told me that we give ourselves atleast a week to know and to realize what we really want,i disagree and i said i want to end it now,i told him all my needs from him like he is not affectionate,he doesnt appreciate me,he belittle all my ideas and i sometimes feel like i am just a dummy in this relationship,and he said otherwise he said that i am just plain stupid and he just wants me to follow him because he is the man in the house etc. to cut it short we end up with a decision that we will be separated but we should live together,and i dont really understand this kind of set up,he said we should do it for our kid...at the moment we are in my home country and i am studying medicine,our initial plan was i will continue my studies wherever he can get a residence visa for the 3 of us,he is an engineer jobless and soon will look for a job and eventually migrate to wherever we can,he proposed to me that i should finish my studies and follow him (even if we are separated) wherever he immigrate,so it will not be hard for us to share our kid,he said that we atleast should stay in one city.i dont really understand,it felt like we are still together.i dont know where did he get this idea,i assume that he got this idea from his ex gf,his ex gf was a divorced biatch who is still living with her ex husband in the same city.i mean maybe he adopted this kind of set up from her tho. please someone tell me what it is to be separated but you are still together. thanks | |||
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Giving up on friend who is on antidepressants
| Hi, I don't really know where to put this and appreciate to keep this post anonymous please. This sounds very harsh of me, but I am really giving up on a 'friend' of mine. She told me last June that she had started a course of antidepressants (I don't think particularly strong ones) and they were not for depression per se but to help with the side effects of a fever she had. I strongly suspect she is still on them. Go back in time 1.5 years and she was so vibrant, hilarious, fun to be around, engaged and interested. Over the last six months, I've seen my 'friend' descend into almost a state of being a zombie. I mean, she is still functioning and everything but it's like she is not quite there. Here is what I have noticed and what concerns/frustrates me: - Extremely apathetic - literally won't bother to text, call, facebook at all until I have to make the effort. This has been going on a while and has upset me the most. We used to be much closer. When I have raised it, it's like it is ME that is overreacting and nothing is wrong. But the reality is it's like she can't be bothered anymore. - There is a rather worrying vacant look she has in her eyes, like she is dead behind the eyes. - She is very subdued and just doesn't engage much. - Everything is 'cool' or ''I'm good thanks'' in this faint, apathetic, bored sort of voice. Even if I ask whether that is really the case, it's "yehh" - Makes no effort to socialise unless we really force her to. Like, even if we've arranged something, she'll get bored after an hour and go home with a headache, or will just come for a bit. Didn't even make an effort to come out on my birthday which really upset me but I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to spoil my day. - Doesn't seem to enjoy things as much as other people. There was this HUGE social event recently which everybody in our friendship group was thrilled about. She just didn't seem excited/engaged at all. It was like it was just any other day of the week and that really dampened the mood - like I was SO SO excited about it and thrilled to be there, and she was like a zombie, I felt as though I was being over the top or something or like I don't get out much. Does it sound like she is still taking medication? Because I honestly I don't think I've given anyone else as many chances as I have given her but it's like I don't exist. I genuinely can't be bothered to make an effort with her anymore. I'm moving to a new town after graduation anyway to start work, but that's what upsets me the most - she just is so apathetic about everything and knows that I'm moving away very soon. | |||
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Gay men with girlfriends
| Okay, this is something I have been wondering about and thought I might get some feedback on from gay men. I've seen posts along the lines of "is my boyfriend gay?" in the past. It is impossible to google the subject without getting a bunch of sarcastic websites with funny and exaggerated responses. I've always been of the idea that a man having sex with women is the biggest sign he is not gay - simple as that. Then again, a woman being a "beard" (girlfriend of a gay man posing as straight) is a common saying, for a reason I assume. I am sure some men can be in denial for a period of time, some for almost a lifetime. I am just curious of how common this is. Does it actually go to the extent where a woman should be aware of certain things to make sure she isn't a "beard"? | |||
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Do I call him?
| So last night I met a guy in a club and we kissed for a bit but I wasn't interested in anything more so told him I was going home with my friends and we left. The thing is he gave me his number, and my friends who were there are urging me to call him but I'm not sure... Everyone knows the saying about how guys in clubs are only after one thing and that you don't get guys looking for relationships so I don't know whether there's any point calling or texting him. Plus he might not even remember me and it would be so awkward :S Lastly he's 23 which is 5 years older than me and I wasn't sure if that was too big of an age gap even if he was interested. Yeah I overthink things... :$ | |||
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When does it get better? Long post sorry
| Its week 2 of no contact for me - me 20 and bf 23yr old (now ex) have been on and off for 2years- very dysfunctional relationship breaking up making up- Him acting childish and never ever talking out a relationship. He would just ignore the fact that we have argued and act like nothing ever happened. His birthday is on valentines day - We were not talking due to an argument but i rang him at 12am and wished him happy birthday. Met the next day and i made it special for him. However that night we argued again. I wanted to meet him to talk about all these issues, i gave him a ultimatum and told him if he did not come we would be over- My phone battery died so i could not make it - he did come but he was in a car full of guy mates, So if i had seen him he wouldnt have spoken to me about our 'issues' because he would have been wanting to go back to his friends. Fast forward 2 weeks - we did not speak regular unless to spite each other and throw stupid comments, he asked me to meet him. I asked why and was told its a boring sunday so i told him we are over i am not your friend. He 'lol'd and said i miss you - lets talk in the morning. The next day without warning he blocked me on fb, whatsapp and unfollowed me on twitter. :S I dont know why he did this apart from the fact that he went out on a day out with his friends and they brought girls along so he must have met someone else but i have has no closure over this and feel pretty much crap everyday. I am currently at uni and taken up two jobs over the weekend to keep me busy and distract me from him but it hurts knowing he did not care about me at all and just blocked me out of his life. My birthday is next saturday and i have this little bit of hope inside me that he might contact me. Yes i know i'm stupid but he was my first real love and i have been his longest relationship. So i want to know when does it get better? How do i keep myself from missing him? :( | |||
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Need to vent about husband's passive-aggressive behavior...
| My husband got upset today that he couldn't spend a hundred bucks on some gloves for his motorcycle. If I would have seen this coming, I would have set some money aside, but he clearly "sprung" this on me so that he could run out the door without discussing our budget. Those things can cost upwards of $350, and the husband has expensive taste. Anyways, he came home without the gloves (I guess the ones he wanted were expensive) and has been a real jerk to me ever since he got home. When I asked him if he wanted me to fix dinner (two hours after he got back), he says, "No. And I'm getting my gloves next paycheck. AND I'm getting a holster. AND a case for my ipad." Ok...? So... you're not hungry, or what? Then, out of the blue: "And I'm ordering a new iphone tonight." I can see he's just trying to be an ass. "Have I done something to you?" I ask him. "Yeah! I don't need you to treat me like a little kid and tell me what I can and can't buy!!" Ok, I get it. I don't perceive discussing purchases and money as treating him like a child; at least, that was not my intent. At any rate, he is overcompensating with the childish behavior (ironic, hmmm??) It's becoming very hard to live with this person. I am starting to feel like the gender roles are reversing. I can directly confront people (always have), and he avoids it or is covert about it. I've always done the haggling, the car-buying, the home buying/selling etc. He prefers to not do any research or discussion, nor confront others should problems arise. How do I look up to this person and respect him? Am I being unreasonable here? | |||
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Nursing the Wound or Making it Worse?
| Hello, all. I'm glad to be here and I hope to garner some decent advice from others with similar experiences. I've got an hour and a half before my son wakes up and I become severely distracted, so I'll jump right in. I eagerly await your honest opinions. My wife and I have been married just shy of five years. We've been together since high-school (I was 16 and she was 15) when we met. I was immediately attracted to her (gotta love hormones), going so far as to let her boyfriend know how cute she was in front of her. Three months later, we were hanging out after school, getting high and enjoying various shenanigans together. Just writing that makes me feel like a ****ing idiot, but we'll get to that. We all know how love can fade if not nurtured. Anyway, we went on fairly happily until I graduated and joined the Navy. Just prior to leaving, we were very anxious and stressed about the distance. It took a toll on the relationship and, feeling like it was about over, I took the opportunity to sleep with a friend of mine. I continue to brush this off as youthful ignorance, but I'm less sure of that every day. I joined the Nuclear program in the aforementioned branch of service about three months later. We were still rocky, and she didn't know about the other girl, but we continued to write letters and talk while I was at boot camp. She visited when I graduated and we had a decent time, considering the short amount of time I was allowed. I moved down to South Carolina to begin my 2 year stint at a training facility, and we talked almost every night, along with a few private webcam sessions. At some point in my first three months there, I received a phone call from my best friend that effectively shattered my hope that we would make it. She had slept with (or attempted to) some kid at a party, and I was hurt. Karma's a *****, right? So I cheated on her with some girl in Charleston that was more of a hooker and less of a random encounter. That did not help, I assure you... but I digress. My first round of training was complete, and we managed to hold it together. I proposed in December of 2007 while I was on leave. 6 months later, we were at a courthouse with a couple of friends and a couple of rings. I remember when she came to visit, she was stunning. She was the startling image of beauty, and she was mine. And I loved her more than anything. We had problems even then, but they were quickly solved by smiles and cuddling... I feel so much wiser now than I did then, but don't we all? I wish it could be that easy again. Fast forward a year and half. I completed my training and we packed up and shipped out to California. I think that's where it really started to **** up. I think that she had issues, very deeply rooted ones, that I failed to notice and/or ignored. I don't have a real time frame, just a rough estimate based on where we lived in Cali, so I'll break it down like that. I should also mention I was a submariner, which required a huge devotion of time and energy. Guess where that came from? 2009, Point Loma - We began arguing constantly. I was drinking about a pint of captain a night, she was screaming at me often, the dishes weren't getting done, the floor wasn't getting swept, the list goes on. I reckon it was around then that I began to see her as more of a threat than a wife. Someone who embarrassed me in front of my friends and didn't give two ****s about it. That was also the same time that we found out about Levi, who is now three. I remember thinking "it's just the hormones" when she called me a piece of **** husband for not wanting to go grocery shopping right after work. I remember thinking the same when she told a co-worker and potential friend of mine to get the **** out of her car (on the interstate going 70). I remember excusing her behavior constantly, but never really accepting it. Those were two major instances, to me, but there were many, many more. Fast forward. 2010, Point Loma - I was almost fully qualified on the boat, I had my sub pin and everything but engine room supervisor done. I was involved in a mishap that left me chair ridden and popping pain pills like candy. I fractured two vertebrae due to a loose piece of equipment, and I wasn't going back to the boat. I didn't cope well... I started drinking again, with the Vicodin, and we had Levi 14 days later. I'm not a piece of ****. I did everything I could to help her and care for my son, I just did it high and drunk. That wasn't the right way, and was completely irresponsible, but that's the way it was. Short of the kitty litter not getting cleaned, we were actually in a pretty good place. Levi had all our attention, our relationship had none of it. Fast forward. 2011, Escondido - By now I had jumped through the hoops and been placed in medical hold on shore duty. I had a cake job that was actually really, really important, so I felt pretty good. My bosses were the **** and I spent more days off than on. Days at home. With her. And the fighting began again. It wasn't long before we were screaming in each other's faces. Part of the problem was us. The other part was the couple that lived with us, both friends of ours from high school with their own child. My wife and her friend were not as happy to hang out as they thought, and I was greeted daily with a slew of complaints that I either did not or could not deal with. I started cracking down on her about many things, her issues, her inability to see them or fix them, her nagging, etc. The more I pushed, the more she fought, the more I fought. By some miracle, we managed to pull our heads out of our asses and get counseling. Best decision ever. We immediately saw a huge improvement in o ur relationship. The sex (which by now was once a week, often less) got better, as well as more spontaneous. We also had a drunken orgy with another couple and, despite our reservations, actually had a ****ing blast. I think those few months were the best we've ever had. We confided in each other, ****ed, made love, listened, all of the **** that we hadn't been able to do. We had a falling out with our roommates/friends just before moving, and we worked through that together, too. Fast forward. 2012, Imperial Beach - This was a time that my wife enjoyed. We lived in a tiny little apartment, I essentially worked an 8-4 desk job, and we did just about everything together. Which makes this the shortest entry... we were happy for about 6 months. I received my discharge letter and she moved back to Illinois. I stayed in Cali to finish up my military service. I was only there for a month without her, but for some reason, that month killed it. I didn't step out on her, I didn't spend all our money, I didn't even go out, really. I spent every day with my short-term roommate and co-worker, watching movies and *****ing about the military. But something changed, either with her or me or both of us. To the problem. 2012, Illinois - I got back with every intention of enrolling in college, which I did. After much discussion, we decided she would stay in our hometown with the family support and I would go to college to get it done. It is a 2 1/2 hour drive between us. Somewhere between leaving for college and being at college, we made the stupidest mistake of our lives. The old issues were creeping back up on us, casting a shadow that we thought was long gone. It was bad. Not screaming match bad, but locking up our emotions bad. We decided to open our relationship. Enter "Samantha." I don't dare talk about how I felt about Samantha, but my relationship with her was just that. A relationship. We opened the marriage to handle sexual issues, and I got snagged up. My wife knew, but she tried very, very hard to believe that I was telling the truth. I didn't lie to throw her off, I lied because I felt justified. The opening of the marriage was her idea, but equally mine for agreeing to it. We di dn't plan it well, and I didn't want to hear of her exploits (she still insists she had none, which I believe), so I withheld mine. This went on for months, and the whole time we were fighting, pointing fingers, holding on to hope, trying to fix it, mentally ****ing with each other, basically riding the roller coaster of a failing relationship. I cut all ties with Samantha as soon as I consciously realized that my wife was very, very hurt. I still didn't tell the truth, but I removed the distraction. I did that because I couldn't knowingly cheat on my wife. I did cheat, just the same, but I realized how ****ing involved I was and how far it had gone. If I was going to get a divorce, it had to be because she and I weren't working, not because I found something "better." And still we fought. Two weeks ago, I headed home for spring break. I was enjoying my usual two and a half hours, thinking about things, our past, our future, what I really want out of life. I had a bit of an epiphany. I was asking myself "Why haven't you left yet? After all this crazy ****, why aren't you gone?" The answer was partly my son, but there was more. I realized that, at the end of the day, I love this ****ing girl. I love her enough to deal with her bat **** craziness every now and then. I love her enough to give her some honesty. I love her enough to swallow the fervent bitterness I had. And so I came home, we sat down, and I told her everything about the nature of mine and Samantha's relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, I have not felt the love I am experiencing for a long, long time. And it seems that the second it clicked into place, my wife changed her mind about wanting to fix us. We've been discussing our next move, and this is where we're falling short, so let me throw it out there plainly. My wife wants to "be herself" for a while. She wants to go out and enjoy herself, including the possibility of sex with other men. The problem I have here is obvious. The open relationship bit me in the ass, and now she wants a turn. She deserves it, and I want to give it to her, and would have less than a month ago. But everything changed for me when I realized how much I want her, how much I have and am willing to do. I want to make this work. I want to help her heal, be there for her, be that guy that she so desperately wants me to be. But she's terribly hurt, and I know that. And I feel like an ass for not letting her do it. That dark shadow that covered my feelings for her is creeping back on, now, covering the burning jealousy. I feel like her sleeping with another guy would completely crush me, and I know what I do when I feel that way. It will get buried, I will become a stone wall in the husband department, and we'll be done. She's willing to do it my way because I told her that. She insists that I am the end goal, just not the in-between, but still she would rather swallow her happiness and be with me. I don't want her to make that decision based on how I feel, because I find that to be very selfish. It all makes sense, but my feelings have overcome my rationality. There are many things not mentioned here, how the sex diminished, how insecure she is, how insecure I'm beginning to feel, and many, many others. I will fill in the gaps as much as possible. The bottom line is, I think she deserves to go be herself (including ****ing other people), but I know it will end us. I know it will end us because of how I cope. I know that love and jealousy are chemicals in my brain, but damn they are potent. Desperately seeking advice. Thank you all. PS's - I want to make it very clear that she will stay with me as long as I allow her to. By allow, I mean as long as she feels it would actually be over if she left for a while. It's basically an ultimatum, but that's not what I want. I want a secure relationship with trust and love. If she still wants to open the marriage after that, I would do it. I cannot, however, knowingly end it by giving her my consent at this time. We're talking years and years of figuring it out before that ever presents itself again. - Childbirth took a toll on her. She has stretch marks that most would consider pretty bad, at a minimum. These things do not bother me and I still enjoy passionate sex with her from time to time. She still feels like I haven't tried to make her feel better about herself, but I tried very hard. Sometimes we just don't say the right things. She's still a dime in my book, I just wish she felt that way. - She was talking to a guy after we closed our marriage. She insists he was just a friend, but the deleted texts make me wonder. At any rate, I've swallowed or am swallowing that pill. - She told me that when she thinks about me as a husband, she thinks about Samantha. She says it's very hard to get over that, which I understand entirely. I just don't think her answer is going to solve anything. - We have considered more counseling, and I am in relationship counseling, but there is no way for us to do it together with the college and distance. | |||
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Would you go out with a facially good looking guy with an substandard body?
| I have a good looking face (so I have been told, I am certainly not arrogant or proud about it) but I have a skinnyfat body with little muscle. Honestly, I don't care about going to the gym. I'd much rather spend the time playing piano or engaging in some other more intellectual activity (not bashing gym-goers, it's just not my style). Anyway, I was wondering if a woman would be put off once she realized I am not lean/toned if she sees me with my shirt off. This is presuming you have begun to like me up to this point largely due to my personality, not just my looks. | |||
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Do arab/persian/pakistani fair skinned muslims like south indians?
| And where to find them? Ones with hijab won't 'date' presumably. I am not south indian btw. What london universities are filled with them? I think king's has them | |||
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