| Some of you may have read some of my earlier threads, as the separation subject has been looming for about 8 weeks now. As of last Wed the 6th I spent my first nigh in my apartment. My story is a classic walk away wife syndrome. I have been reading divorce busting and will likely hire an on phone coach to help me employ the 180. If any one has feed back on this please chime in. I'm in as good of a place as I can be considering the situation. I know if D day comes life will go on, but it doesn't change the fact that my family as it stands is what I love and want. I have reconnected with old friends and picked up the drums again to help keep me sane. My place is very close to home which makes it easy with my son and his school. I will have him half the time, which works out great and minimizes day care as well. I have done real well at not initiating contact or talking about problems, I never ask of her plans, or where abouts. With that being said I don't blow her off, so I hope I'm not screwing this up. All though this whole thing of separation was her wish, she drug her feet for two days after the paper work cleared for the apartment. I had to pin her down on WTF we were doing, because the unit would be given to the next in line if I did not reply. She was instant I find a month to month, rather than a lease. She is both texting and phoning me somewhat regularly, with just casual conversation no different than if we were under the same roof as a normal married couple. She has also asked if her I and our son could meet for dinner over this weekend. She has also admitted to me more than once including last night that this is real rough. Her exact text lat night was " having a hard time" I was asleep so I did reply today with an honest answer "I had a very rough day as well, I miss you quite a bit." Nothing further was said between us on that subject . I think she would be considered the cake eater, and nothing about this feels like a normal break up. She bears a great deal of resentment, and is also very stubborn. I feel that she forces her self not to allow her feelings of us to overcome her anger, and in her mind if she does she some how is loosing....at least thats my assessment.:confused: | |||
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
I Moved out on Wednesday
Valentine's Day for the Separated (Ugh!)
| Hi All - Is it too early to start dreading Valentine's Day? :) Last year at this time, I was still with my H, although things were tense and he was talking of moving out, which had me in a state of anxiety. Even so, he gave me a lovely Valentine's Day card and took me out for a nice dinner. He moved out in early April, and in the beginning, I had more hope that this would be temporary, but he has not made any overtures toward reconciliation. I've done my best to stick to the 180, so I do not initiate contact with him. However, I get conflicting advice on whether and how to respond when he asks to get together socially -- e.g. a movie, sports event, or dinner -- which he has done occasionally since the separation (more in the early months than the past several months). It is my understanding he does not want to be married any more and that he will be filing for divorce -- we have already divided our assets and have no kids so there is nothing standing the way. I have told him I won't try to prevent it, but I think he will be making a huge mistake if he files, and I am sad that he did not want to try harder to save the marriage. I know the best thing would be to just let V. Day pass, and send cards to family and friends. I did make plans to be out of the country, relaxing on a warm beach next week (yippeee!!!!) -- though it will be my first real vacation without my H :( But instead of doing nothing about V. Day (as I probably should have) just for the hell of it, I am having sent to him a collage photograph of images from our life together (made easily in 2 minutes on PicCollage app, and costs $2,00 to have made into a postcard and mailed). The message on the back just says, "Dear ___, I will always cherish all the great memories of the many good times we shared together. XOXO" I am prepared to take sh*t for this, but at this point I just feel like I have nothing to lose, and don't feel invested in his reaction, one way or the other. He was an important person in my life -- THE most important for a long time. Yes, my happiness does not depend on him or anything outside myself, but he is the love of my life and for me, being without him has been like learning to live without a limb. I would be interested in hearing what folks are doing for Valentine's Day, if you are going through separation or divorce. I know it is not the easiest holiday for the broken hearted, so I hope folks find ways to celebrate love in their lives -- love of family, friends and self, if not of an estranged spouse :-) Cheers and best wishes, - A12 | |||
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Feminism in general/relationships?! I'm shocked this morning!
| Ladies, I got up this morning and was a bit shocked that someone stating she was a feminist was being attacked, mocked actually. Basically the person mocking her felt like because she was a feminist she did not want her husband to "man up", she was "fighting it" (by reading books!) I'm in my early 30's, I have read some feminist books. My general view on this is that pretty much every woman is a feminist, and it has been turned into a dirty word. You like to vote, equal pay, your vagina and what you can/cannot do with it? You are a feminist. This does not mean that because we want equal rights that we don't believe there are not differences between men/women and don't want/love men who "man up"...(or don't allow them too) I find these ideas very propaganda filled and anti-woman. This is what prevents us from having full equality, and our reproductive rights constantly under fire. I don't even mean abortion (because that is a very private decision), I mean access to simple birth control and testing. :scratchhead: What is your definition? | |||
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Part Time Income & Marriage
| Does it work and your hoping to get a full time salary or an understandable companion who will help you as its her house and family as well. | |||
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Am i doing it wrong?
| Me and my wife dated a year before we were married. Sex was great, she was great, everything was great until marriage. We might have rushed into marriage because i was moving across the country and in order for her to come with me we had to be married. (military) :smthumbup: So here we are Married and in love in the beautiful state of California at the age of 20 with great plans and great financial situation. :) Part of the plan was for her to get a part time job and finish her degree which she was already 2 years into. Unfortunately 2 months passed and she decided she didn't want to finish her degree, and turned down jobs because she didn't want to work weekends. :o Now that was fine and all and money was still fine me working 60+ hours a week and weekend hours coming home to find her not moving from the couch and never applying to jobs saying no ones hiring. About 4 months passed and our Car was having some trouble so her idea was to get a new o ne, so we did and our finances got a little tight, but we were still doing fine. I started mentioning getting a job and she said no ones was hiring and she's been trying her hardest. (2 applications in 1 month saying she refuses to work weekend hours) :( So after bugging her about getting a job she now "Magically" became pregnant after being on birth control for 4 years and cannot possibly get a job because now she is pregnant. We are not financially stable for a kid and i didn't even want one yet. Everything i do is bad and I've had to take up a 2nd job.. yes on top of my 60+ hour a week military job and she still complains i don't care for this family because i'm never home.. when i can't because im working so hard to keep us afloat. Not to mention i come home at 6pm (leaving to work at 5:30am) and go straight to working again.. while she's on the couch... same as every day.. watching tv and complaining im never home enough.. Anyone have any ideas im about to just let he r move back with her family but i've come to accept my baby im going to be having next year. | |||
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Why is my need for him so strong?
| And why is he so mad all the time? Why did he blame me? He's been real sick with the flu. He told me, when I advanced on to him, that he wanted to wait it out a spell till he was feeling better. He then proceded to be a complete d*** for a week. He said he was sick, so I let it go. Two nights ago, I advanced thinking he was better...he wasn't. He got mad at me and said it's my fault he's always mad because when I hurt myself, knee thing, he said it made him have to do more work at the house. So yesterday he returns to work...I ask how he feels he says still light headed and dizzy but he has to stay at work. So This morning he has a freaking cow saying he's angry because he hasn't had sex for a week. I reminded him that he didn't want to do it till he was better. He says he was better yesterday and last night I didn't give it up. WTF! Am I missing something? He's always angry at me when I wake up till I go to sleep. He won't talk to me and I feel like he is too afraid to be the bad guy and say he wants out. What do I do?:scratchhea d: | |||
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How to deal with a break up
| I feel my boyfriend and I will be breaking up soon. Things just aren't working. We're long distance and its horrible, I can't do it any more. I've admitted defeat. How does one cope with a break up, let alone a long-distance one? I really really would appreciate some advice here. Thanks guys p.s- this has been my first ever relationship and has lasted about six months. The relationship was great bar the distance. There was minimal arguing, no cheating or back-stabbing. There is no bitterness other than the fact that it looks like we're over. He's a lovely guy and we're both gonna be heart broken. I really dont know how to get over it and move on | |||
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Are you jealous of your partners ex?
| Ok so I am dating a guy who seems fairly into me but I have heard many stories about his ex from mutual friends, apparently she was the love of his life, they were best friends, he thought she was the most beautiful woman, they had great sex etc etc.......they argued because she asked for a break, he was devastated and in that time met someone new. He still seems bitter about it and I can't help but feel jealous of her. She is very pretty, intelligent, funny, successful, outspoken, cute and I just don't feel like I live up to her. I know he is with me not her.....but that's cause she didn't want him not the other way round. How do you people deal with annoying exes? | |||
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Is Great Britain falling out of the European Union?
| I know that this is not the section to ask this question in, but I am really familiar with this section. Anyway, i was talking to a friend about how I love to be a British citizen, which gives me the permission to travel to, work in and live in any country in Europe without the need for a visa or greencard or anything. But then he ended up saying that Britain/England/UK (yh sorry, I dont really understand the difference) is not going to be in the EU for long. Is this true, Is Britain getting kicked out of the EU, if so when?, If not then, is there a chance that will happen in the future (in the next 50 years) | |||
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Does he like me or wrong end of the stick?
| Hey TSR, I've been messaging this guy on interpals (an online pen pals site) and now we email each other. We've been flirting a little but it's been nice to just chat about every day things and our interests. We have a good email conversation going and have been messaging each other daily for 3 weeks now. It gets sexual/romantic sometimes and we both find each other attractive in pics. I have hinted at seeing him but he doesn't seem to respond to that. He says that from my messages I seem nice and he is very complimentary towards me and I respond to that. He's been hurt before although he is ready and looking for a relationship. I said I was single once before. He mentioned he wanted to join a dating site about a week ago and today he said he wanted to go out on the pull cos he was feeling sexually frustrated and lonely. He lives and works in Europe now (he was born and brought up in England) and I live in the UK away from his home town but he comes to England once a month to visit family and watch his local football team play. I don't know what he wants. Does he just want to be friends? Does he want to take it slow? Is he just naturally flirty/jokey? In which case, am I totally getting the wrong end of the stick? I know he is allowed to see other people cos we're not together but I think about him a lot and he tells me he looks forward to my emails. I was hoping it'd develop into something more and this seems like a step back. I just feel a bit deflated ... | |||
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I need advice about relationship issues.
| I know alot of people dont like seeing personal lives and it being spread among sites and all, i really need help. Well i haven't been the happiest, things kept going things after my relationship break up. I just want to say thank you for those of you that have responded to my threads recently, it has really helped alot with all the advice. I just want to thank you the forum moderator Angel, shes helped alot along with other users. I just want to ask.. is valentines taking a toll on me? i mean since valentines is soon is it really taking a bite since i've broken up. Brief summary of me is that i've had a relationship with my ex for over 2 years, now we've broken up since early december. She was my first and i was her first.. I guess you could say we broke up because she wants to experience other people instead of being stuck in a relationship. There's too many questions and i just thought that.. with other users and older people that have more experience with all of this, you could help me answer them. I love her alot, were still friends and in college. I know, i should distance myself from her but i respect and love her alot. I dont know how shes going to feel on valentines but i know for a fact that i will probably be in the deep end. I've spoken to all my friends, ive listened to the advice on how to get over her. It just doesn't help, she means alot to me. I just dont know whether she would give us another chance Its questions like does she still think about us? anything that shes said, given or done.. does it still mean something? will we ever get back together? And for those of you that may ask to go to for some relationship counselling, that wont happen. Im not prepared to give £70 of my hard earned money for an hour. I got you, and the forum to help me out :') | |||
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Met a guy in a club...
| Basically I met a guy (friend of a friend) recently on a night out in a club. I'm pretty certain he was showing me signs he was interested, lots of eye contact, smiles, touching etc - I'm not the most forward of girls, I was confident enough with this much, but when it came to the end of the night it was kind of awkward. All his mates were cracking jokes about us going home together but I've never had a one night stand and only a couple of relationships so I just laughed it off. Then, in an awkward twist, another girl who was out with us (who was massively drunk and is notorious for sleeping around) grabbed his hand and took him off home with her despite not having spoken to him all night because her other booty call she was texting hadn't turned up. He's seemed a nice guy and I'm pretty certain he was as genuinely interested in me as I am in him, but the way it ended really threw me. Do I attempt to take it further with him or just write him off for leaving with the other girl? | |||
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Internet dating...Only for losers?
| So, I've decided to join a dating website. :S. I've been single for a while now, and while I don't really want a long term, serious relationship it'd be nice to be taken on a date, and meet a nice dude. I only decided to join one as many of my friends have done so, even though I've always thought of internet dating as for the socially awkward/losers (sorry!), but apparently tons of young people do it... I only meet possible ONS in clubs/bars and at the moment can't be very socialible as I have NO money to actually go out and do things every weekend. And most of my friends are girls btw. So meeting men the 'normal' way is definalty out for me. I'm still pretty embarrassed at this online dating though. My question is, what's your opinion of internet dating? Okay? Losers? :) | |||
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Financial security in marriage - what is fair?
| Hello, I could use some advice.....I have been with my husband for 8 years, married 4 now. We did great until marriage when I slowly came to see his moody side (like depressive). This last year he has done much better, we were doing fine so far. My husband has money, I had some but nowhere near his. He kept the bulk of his money under his name, which was ok with me. We matched money in a joint account and he offered an agreement should we divorce (in writing but no lawyer so basically verbal I guess). He said a certain percentage of it would become "ours" each year. I trusted him. We live simply, I have always worked hard and we both grew up poor so it suits us just fine. Our joint account is slowly diminishing and I asked him what/when we should transfer more money..(also because we talked about a real estate investment in our next transfer). Simply put, he said it was his money and he would decide end of discussion. So we had a huge fight. He keeps telling me he has always taken care of us and will continue to do so but with no specifics. I am simply taken aback now at his sudden controlling attitude. I told him given this I will not allow our joint account to drop below a certain level. I don't want to be paranoid but this just scares me. We are ok right now as he says but ........?????? Am I overreacting? lastly, I do the bills, he isn't controlling on what I do, who I see, no jealousy, and he believes I "pull my weight" so to speak. I feel terribly confused right now. Thank you for listening and any advice. Suddenly uneasywife | |||
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Burning in
| I no longer worry about staying late at work because I'm not excited to see my wife. The only thing that brings me home is my kids. My wife has shut herself down emotionally to me. I think she has PPD from her last pregnancy. It's killing me guys. She shows affection to the kids, takes care of them, but nothing for me. I never cry but have found myself tearing up at random points. It's killing me on the inside. She says she doesn't want me to touch her so I'm giving her what she wants. Last night I slept on the couch because I'm just so angry and frustrated with her. Sleeping in the same bed isn't healthy because I can't sleep. I'm at work as I type this. Got up around 4am this morning and came in. Anyone else go through this? | |||
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Should i keep him or move on?
| First off, back in late October my husband informed me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Of course, i was devistated. We decided to try and work on things, like making more "us" time and going out on dates..We get through the holidays, and with money tight we weren't able to go out in December, and around the 2nd week of January he told me the same thing, and it hasn't gotten better. What bothers me the most, is he's felt this way for 2 years now. Why wouldn't he have told me sooner? He says it's not my fault he fell out of love. We have been together for 12 years, and married for 9 years (as of March 20th). We have 2 wonderful kids together. He legally adopted my daughter, and we had a son together. I always thought we'd be together forever. We decide to try marriage counseling, and at our first meeting, he tells me that he had an affair about 5 days before on Jan 22nd, with some girl he used to know in high school almost 20 years ago, and has been in touch with since last summer. He assured me it only happened this one time, so being the forgiving wife that I am, I forgave him. He said he did it because he thought we were through...Ummm hello?? we'll be through when he's signing the divorce papers, but in my eyes, we were still trying to work on things. Now we've been to 2 sessions, and have one coming next Wednesday. He informed me last night, that for about a year he's thought of me as more of a friend, than a wife. He feels like when he kisses me, it's like kissing his sister. This felt like a slap in the face. I didn't sleep well last night, and I've been crying pretty much since he left for work this morning at 4am. He hasn't talked to this other woman in 2 weeks, but tells me he still thinks about her and honestly wants to be with her. She is married, but going through a divorce herself and has 2 boys. My husband says that maybe more time not talking to her would help him concentrate on me, but i'm afra id it may backfire and he would think about her more. I've been stalking his facebook page and friends lists, keeping track of our cell phone records, and watching him on the Find Friends app on my phone. He knows all of this and is perfectly OK with me doing it, in order to get that trust back. I never used to keep track of him like that, because I always trusted him. I've been depressed for about 3 weeks now, and feel that the future is so uncertain. He says that our kids is the only reason why he hasn't left sooner. There's alot of married couples out there that stay together for the kids..Why can't this be us? Should I just give up and let him leave? Should I keep trying to hang on to our marriage? I don't want him feeling miserable, which is how he says he has felt for 2 years...But I am miserable, knowing that my own husband doesn't love me, doesn't want me to kiss him, and most like won't want to have sex anymore. That's not a marriage...So, if he stays, i'll be wonde ring what's going to happen to us, or if he leaves, he'll be moving in with this other woman, and i'll have my kids and will try to move on with my life. | |||
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Can someone explain this concept?
| What is wrong about seeing sex as a gift given to me by my wife? I don't quite understand because I always thought of sex as something that was hers. Think: rape is wrong, illegal, etc., so she must give herself to me if she wants. I do not take it from her. I know I am missing the point. Can you explain what I am missing? | |||
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What to do about this girl?
| Hi, so there is this girl at my uni course who I really started to like, which is rare because I have a hard time to fall in love. She is in my so "group" at uni and we have a lot of classes together and also more recently study together with 2-3 more friends. Now, I never had a girlfriend nor ANY experience with girls (I'm 21) and don't know how on earth to approach her. She sometimes writes me on Facebook and texts me, but at uni she seems a bit uninterested at times. This makes it a bit harder for me to tell whether she might actually like me back, which I really doubt. So before you say "just ask her out", I'm way to insecure for that, I'd rather try and find out subtly if she likes me or is even remotely interested. How do I achieve that? I appreciate any help, since this is really dragging me down! | |||
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What do you think of "innocent" girls?
| The sort of girls who are really quiet, shy, have never had alcohol, have never kissed anyone, never got close to a boy, introverted, a little socially awkward, never been clubbing, or gone out socialising. The sort who are very dependent and rather clingy, but loyal, good hearted, devoted and loving. Average in looks, average intelligence, small in body and height, scared of rejection, need protecting, don't have many if any friends at all. Are there any boys who'd like a girl like that? It seems everyone wants a gorgeous, feisty, witty, independent social bee girl :( Which I most definitely am not. Should I live in hope or prepare myself for a lonely life ... :o :( | |||
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Why do males (& females) judge female sexuality?
| Please keep an open mind, men and women. Female and male sexuality are completely natural as it drives our hormones, emotions and our human population. So why do we, as a society segregate 50% of the population's sexuality, when it's scientifically proven that females do have a sex drive just as much as males? People, regardless of gender will have a sex drive, whether it's high or low. Many people thought female sex drive was low but that's not true. Many females have an extremely high sex drive (which is natural) and many males have an extremely low sex drive (again, natural). Why can't we accept everyone individually instead of judging them by how many sexual partners they've had? Why should one group's sexuality be more praised than the other? Considerations include their genetics (are they physically attractive?) because if a male is beautiful and sleeps with 100 females, that is nothing to be proud of as, generally it's easier to sleep with someone if you're better looking (based on nature, NOT gender). "Because they're female" is not a valid answer to why their sexuality should be frowned upon when some females have it "just as hard" as males (especially in the genetics department as many males judge a female's worth solely on their physical appearance, and is proved over and over again on social networks such as UniLad and what not). The main thing that bothers me the most is males call females sluts, whore, skanks, skets etc. yet these males go out "on the prowl" to look for females to fulfill those EXACT desires. If these "slutty" females didn't even exist and ALL females waited for marriage then what would happen then? All females are prudes? Guys (& girls who also think like this!), please stop with the double-standard and catch-22 of female sexuality (not all males think like this, mind!). I want this to be a nice, friendly debate please. :) | |||
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Is it drama?
| If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how they felt about something that you said, do you consider it drama? Are emotions drama? | |||
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I'm Still Angry & Becoming Bitter
| Sometimes I hate myself because I stayed with him after blatant disrespect! Sometimes I amaze myself with the bull I say, as if I'm in such a loving relationship. He is a changed man, I will give him that, but now he's in a high position and he's always been the good guy... It's not that I want people to hate him, I just feel like how did I allow myself to allow him to pull me down with him, now he's on top of the world. All the while, I feel like I'm standing in a crowd of people with my burthday suit on. I feel stripped of my confidence. I used to enjoy life, I was always the life of the party. Now, I don't have any friends, I prefer to be in my house with my kids all the time. <---Thats a good thing!) What I'ms aying is, I used to take my kids out to have fun. Now I get up, go to work, pick up the kids come home. Everyday. I just lost my sense of direction, all because my husband cheated on me in the most disrespectful way. Here's my story: We met in 2007 at church. my dad is a Pastor and my husband was the musician. We each had a child from previous relationships. We were both single and began to flirt. Needless to say in March 2008 we starting going out and were engaged July 2008 Wedding set for August 2009. The entire year was a nightmare. We were in our early 20's. There was a woman at his church that he had dated prior to me, she was 40 years old. I began to notice things like them not speaking to each other, but they were in a singing group together. That was odd. I witnessed him wink at her while she was taking a picture of him and his mom. I noticed she would have the same color as him and I. One time we almost had on the same outfit. He would treat me badly when around her and his family. (I forgot, she is his sister's bff!) and one night he never came home, but was supposed to be around the corner (literally) at his sisters house. That's when I knew. He kept hsi phone locked so I couldn't see anything. But his sister started throwing me hints. We were only 2 months into the marriage, people were telling me. i guess I was in denial. She would blow kisses at him, he would get pissed at me if I talke about her. He disrespected me so many times in front of her, I just can't even count. But I stayed with him through all of this. The affair went on for 2 years. I moved out of the house while I was 4 mos pregnant with our son. I moved with my parents. 2 weeks later he started popping up and I ended up getting back with him. Our son was born and while I was in the hospital, i found out he'd been texting her and calling her. I had a rough delivery and had pneumonia and high blood pressure. No energy to fight, I let it go. We got another place, I cheated on him. I thought it would make me feel better, that I got him back. Nope. I felt worse. I wanted him to know, so I made sure he found out. He was mad, and that gave me some satisfaction. Then I felt like a ****. It made me feel worse about myself, then I started hating him because he 'made' me into this person I didn't recognize. People began asking me why I wa s so angry all the time. At first, I thought they were crazy. Now I see, I have become a bitter old woman and I am not 30 yet. My husband wholeheartedly apologized and meant it. Lost his entire family because he chose to be faithful to me. His mom is the only person that talks to him. His sister won't speak to him because of 'what he did to her friend'. It's a mess. He was a family man, so this has hurt him beyond belief. He gave up his cheating ways, he's loved me and he's proved that it's not true once a cheater always a cheater. But, I feel like a fool. He is now a 'man of the cloth' he is a respected man in our community. I resent him for that. If I bring my feelings to him, he says I'm living in the past and he's moved on from me hurting him, so I should too. But he doesn't understand that my life has changed drastically. I'm not who I used to be. I ask can we go to counseling, but he says I need it so I should go to a pyschiatrist. I've given him an ultimatum, something I should have done years ago. We either actively work to make our marriage healthy (not pretending it didn't happen) by him owning up to his infedilities or I'm done. I'm living in misery. I went from being a person people referred to as DIVA to now being the 'mad black woman' I never made him look bad before people, so with the influence of my family, he's become 'Somebody' I put up a good front and pretend that he's the best, but sometimes i wana scream in the church HE'S NOT S*** BUT A DOG. But I don't. I hate him, I hate myself and I hate that I did nothing about it. I got back with him and allowed myself to get played. How do I get my confidence back. | |||
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