I just wrote this post on another non-divorce-related forum, sorry for the cut and paste, but I don't think I can do it again :( :
So, I was doing pretty great in terms of the break up stuff. Oddly. lol But really, I was in a lot of ways feeling like my life was a whole lot better than when I was with him. And then the last three weeks or so all of this insane anger and hurt has come rushing back in. I'm not sure what's going on. I think it might be kind of normal??? Not sure, but maybe there's some adrenaline that gets you through the first few months, but then the reality sets in and there's no end to it and you lose momentum? Where I am now is nowhere near as dark as when I was really sad and wanting him to love me (oh, how pathetic I feel about that looking back, ugh), but I feel more anger than I ever would have thought possible. I've been telling him -- and ummmm, I have never even had thoughts like this about anyone before -- that I really wish he were dead, and I MEAN it. :o I think it's the only way I can see being free from him. I have to say, though, I'm not exactly proud of those feelings. And obviously, he is the father of my children and I would hate for them to lose their father, so in that sense I don't mean it.
So, he did this apesh*t crazy thing about three weeks ago. I knew he was lingering in the kitchen, outside my bedroom, for a lot of the night and kind of aware that he was wanting to talk to me. Finally at 11:30, I thought coast was clear and I popped out of my room to make the kids' lunches for school and he popped out of his room and grabbed me. Told me "looks like I have cancer." I felt KICKED in the stomach. My overrideing feeling was intense fear of being the only adult that my children could rely on, and then grief for what they would go through. Then he spent the next five hours crying on my shoulder (from across the room as I don't want to be physically near him) because he believes he has prostate cancer and (1) he will never be able to f*** the other woman; (2) he is planning on spending the night with her on thursday night and afraid that he won't be able to have a good time as he'll be worried about never being able to f*** her; and (3) worried that if she finds out, she will drop him like a hot potato. Over the course of the five hour break down, he tells me gems like, although they have spent on average two nights a week together (he comes home sometime between 7 and 11 am, so we're talking all night here) for the past six months or so, they have never kissed. They had, though, just made a breakthrough... she touched his arm a few days earlier. He thinks he is on the cusp of *something* with her. He hasn't been this happy in 25 years (yes, he said that sh*t to me!). And that he feels like he's cheating on her with me by having this conversation with me. While he was saying this crap, he was crying like the very worst possible thing had happened. I mean, I can't imagine that he'd be this upset if someone very close to him died. He was crying hysterically, punching things, thought he might have broken some bones in his hand. The only time I've ever seen someone this upset, it was ME. I hit walls and a table a couple of times and actually bruised my hand pretty bad when I was going through the worst of things with him a few months back.
So, anyhow, I'm sitting across the room just witnessing this. Looking at him and not feeling any empathy whatsoever, of course, wtf??? Seeing him feeling as bad as I can imagine a person feeling, and just thinking, wow, I think I dodged a bullet! lol This is not a person I want to be with! I certainly don't want to be with him if he's non-funtioning (he was convinced that he was pretty much never going to have another erection, lol) and a basket case, not to mention an *sshole. I mean, there was NOTHING attractive about this display! But I can't say that I felt great about how detached I felt. It really drove home the fact that I don't care about him anymore. :rolleyes: So much so that when I went into my room finally at 5 am and googled his test results and saw that he was just totally manufacturing this fear and there is NO reason to think he has cancer, I was pretty disappointed.
And ever since that night I have just been OFF. At first I thought it was kind of cool to see how unattractive he is as a person. Like wow, no sane person would want to be with him. I should consider myself lucky. But since then, I have felt bad about myself for being so cold (really could care less even when he's feeling as bad as a person could poss feel) and hateful (i.e., feeling disappointed that death was not imminent, lol) and so angry about all of the crappy stuff he said and also hurt at how completely over me and into her he is (I can't get over the idea that the person who knows me best in the world has pronounced me not good enough).
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So, I'm not crazy, right? lol I wish I could just feel like I did a month ago.
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