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Please Help. Wife Wants A divorce I love her and do not

We are a newly wed couple.

This all started 2 days ago a little fight blew out of proportion.
I came home from work seeing the bed, all her clothes, everything gone.
I talked to her that night and she told me why and I told her I understood the reason and that I will change and she said she would give me another chance, but about 15 minutes later she says "what if I want to go through with the divorce?" And she ended up saying no the my second chance, and I walked away.
She she loves me more than anything and says she has been unhappy and and it's just not there anymore
I have tried to get her to see my in person again, and even sent text messages apologizing, saying I will change, and I will make her happy again but all I get are "No" and that it's just not there for her anymore.

I know I messed up and I have offered to fix it but she will not open up and give me a second chance...

WORST THANKSGIVING EVER....

Please Help. Wife Wants A divorce I love her and do not

We are a newly wed couple.

This all started 2 days ago a little fight blew out of proportion.
I came home from work seeing the bed, all her clothes, everything gone.
I talked to her that night and she told me why and I told her I understood the reason and that I will change and she said she would give me another chance, but about 15 minutes later she says "what if I want to go through with the divorce?" And she ended up saying no the my second chance, and I walked away.
She she loves me more than anything and says she has been unhappy and and it's just not there anymore
I have tried to get her to see my in person again, and even sent text messages apologizing, saying I will change, and I will make her happy again but all I get are "No" and that it's just not there for her anymore.

I know I messed up and I have offered to fix it but she will not open up and give me a second chance...

WORST THANKSGIVING EVER....

I love stories like this!

Restaurant owner overhears little kid ask his mom if they are going to have food for Thanksgiving, and she responds "I will try"
He helps 20 families with meals.

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?se...cal&id=8894619

What do you do, when...

I'm sure I'm not alone in this... But every now and then, I just don't want or need drama or emotional pushes. Not even positive ones. Just need a few hours (or sometimes a day) of just being in my thoughts. I prefer to just get to some place where there's nobody else, not even family.

If you need that, how do you do it? When your wife doesn't seem to get it, what do you do?

Like, every once in a blue moon, I don't want sex, intimacy, to talk... I just want some quiet and to be alone in my head and tune everything out. Normally it's just a few hours and I manage to find some way to get away.

What's your way of getting away?

Betrayed but Cautiously Holding out Hope thanks to TAM

I recently posted my horror, pain, confusion, and shock of finding out I was betrayed. I'm still going through all the horrible initial reactions and I fear so dearly the future. I'm questioning the meaning of love, the meaning of life, and the meaning of me.

But reading the post for newbies by AlmostRecovered has given me a clear set of instructions for what to expect and what to do. I've shared the information with my husband who has betrayed me and he wants me to post the key words "No contact. Remorse. Transparency. Honesty." (in translation) on the mirror in the bathroom. Done!

One year ago, we had a fall out after I discovered he was frequenting chat rooms and had a fake email account which he was using to email other girls flirting and loving emails. I wanted to save our marriage and we did but we didn't. That is, I did what I found in this forum to be called "rug sweeping." I forgave him too quickly, and he had too few consequences for his actions.

A year later, on the day of our anniversary, I learn that he got a girl's number and intended to go out for hookah with her. Meanwhile, he also called an "escort" or "prostitute" phone number inquiring about the cost of her "services". I learned all of this on the day of our second anniversary. There is no evidence of a PA but clearly he had the intent, whether or not it ever happened.

While the nightmare is amplified by the fact that this is now strike two, there is one reason for me to have cautious hope. I found this forum and now realize what needs to be done to save the marriage and how forgiving quickly is not in our best interest. This time he has consequences, including my sister having knowledge of his behavior (which embarrasses him greatly).

It does feel different. The first time around he was defensive and accused me of not healing faster and being controlling. Right now he admits my right to be furious and to keep asking for information. He has admitted new information that he visited a strip club and got a stripper's number. This was the day before our anniversary. At least I didn't find out on my own.

He's trying. He seems remorseful. But I am only going to hope cautiously that he can kick his habit of lies and secrets in order to save our marriage. He knows this is our last chance. My only wish is that I could find information like on this forum which was in his language (Persian/Farsi). Thank you all, and be strong.

What is the point of the bait and switch?

I am trying to wrap my head around those who pull the classic bait and switch to get married.

My understanding of it is to put out sexually in order to get a stable relationship or get married. Once that is done, the sex slows way down or stops altogether.

In some situations I can understand a bait and switch, such as someone looking to gain a financially stable relationship (such as a golddigger) or someone who maybe looking to gain other material items, such as a home, or a father/mother figure for their children from a previous relationship.

But in most cases, those who seem to pull the bait and switch (based on what we read on boards such as TAM) do so solely as a means to get into a relationship/marriage and then drop the sexual activity rapidly after that. Many stories are of people who aren't rich, and the sex died off even before children.

As such, why would these people in those situations even want to pull the bait and switch? What is so special about being in a relationship (which is low/no sex) to them that they are willing to go to such measures to get it? Why do they stay when they have no desire for their partner sexually?

The Oral Sex Poll.

Welcome to The Oral Sex Poll, please take a seat.

It was inspired by the popular 'Girls do you get turned on when' thread.

This is about giving it. Do you like it or loathe it/are indifferent.

Telling my ex about my new boyfriend

I was with my last boyfriend for a good few years he was my first everything and i thought he was the one and i loved him more than anything, it was the truest feeling ive ever had...he ended up hurting me a lot and completely and utterly butchered my heart...

i've been with my new boyfriend for 4 months now and i was talking online to my ex and we were just catching up and he seemed surprised that i was engaging in a lot of cool exciting new things and he asked me who i had done it all with, i replied talking more about hobbies and completely ignored saying about my boyfriend - i didnt know if it would be rubbing it in his face to say it or just awkward so i left it out, then the ex didn't reply for ages and when he did he made a really (and i mean REALLY) quick exit...it just seemed so strange because we were mid conversation and the zhoom. vanished!

might he have guessed that i have a new boyfriend and be annoyed at me?
am i reading too much into things..

Need some help, preferably from a female

I'll try and keep this short and sweet:
This girl is in a relationship and has been with the same guy for circa 2yrs
I'm fairly sure she likes me not only as a friend
I've told her that I feel really strongly about her much more than a friend
She and her boyfriend have periodic, serious fights which span over a week more often than not
She tells me personal things that she doesn't tell her boyfriend
I'm sure she's not happy in her relationship and wants out


I am completely crazy about this girl and want to be her boyfriend, so this is my question;

How do I do it?
:)
Thanks for our time and in advance for your replies-I look forward to reading them:)



This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

But he's coming home to ME every night...right?

Having browsed a lot of forums and read a lot of debates on whether it's permissible for guys to check out girls in front of their own girlfriend or 'harmlessly' flirt with another girl, watch porn, and visit strip clubs etc. A popular line is:

'Let him do what he wants he's coming home to you not the other girl at the end of the day'.


I don't understand how this is at all a valid excuse. Just because somebody is 'coming home to you' metaphorically or physically doesn't mean he necessarily wants to be with you.Who's to say he's not just with you because at the moment future prospects aren't looking too promising? Or that he's biding his time until the person he is 'harmlessly flirting' with will say yes? I don't see how 'him coming back to you' is any validation for guys and even girls to do what they like in the reasoning that 'they're still with you so it's clearly okay'

What do you think? Do I have a valid point or am I just ranting? :D

Am I missing something?

I am the ideal father and family man. If I am not working providing for my family, I am spending time with them. Problem I am facing is my wife of 20 years recently had an EA with a coworker. Her reason is that we started to drift apart mainly due to my obligations with my teenage daughters, which is where all my free time was devoted to. Is is not that I ignored her, still told her I loved her, complimented her, flowers on occasion for no special reason, cards etc. Our intamacy has been strained mainly do to my exhaustion at the end of long days. I understand I may have hurt my wife by not providing as a husband over the past couple years due to my many commitments with them. However, I do not understand her way of thinking and why she chose to have an A. She told me that we were drifting apart but I chose not to believe her and said we will soon have more time to spend together as our daughters soon will not need us as much.
My life is my wife and family and am having a very difficult time with this whirlwind I am living in.
Can anyone comment or past experiences? Have I been a bad husband to deserve this? I just don't understand it all!!

How long does exposure take to kill the affair?

I've just exposed my wife's affair, and everyone's calling her tomorrow to let her know they know. I've also contacted the OM's parents and siblings. My question is to anyone who's exposed before: how long before your spouse returned to the marriage?
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Sitting on your own in a club

I am still trying to make sense of this but I have noticed a really strange way of getting girls to approach you in a club. So I am in a club with my mates and I decide to read some texts on my phone or something. Rather than going to the smoking area I sit down on my own on some sofas facing the dance floor and read some texts looking kinda brooding.

The frequency of which girls come up to me and put their arms around me or kiss me is astonishing compared to all other behavior in a club. It doesn't happen every time but it happens quite a lot that girls who are complete strangers will approach me.

Has anybody else noticed this?

180...

What's doing the '180'...mean?
:scratchhead:

lmao...trying to get the lingo and abbreviations here... :D

In love with the 180!

I have been on this site for about three days now. Yesterday I discovered the '180' after I kept reading about it. I love it! It comes in very handy. It's funny how many situations I have caught myself in. Today I went to the store and I saw something he would've liked, but I left it right there. It's no wonder I have been enabling his bad behavior. I always have dinner ready on time, never went anywhere, always being nice and what not 24/7, only to be cheated on and mistreated.

This 180 stuff is making me feel so much better about myself. As if I have a life too. I did go out today and just did as I pleased. I went shopping, got coffee, little things I used to do and enjoy that he always refused to do with me. I can see how Ive lost sight of my life and the things I like, by trying to please him all these years, and it never mattered anyway.:smthumbup:

Happy Thanksgiving!

I will have to say that I do give thanks for finding this site about 7 months ago, and have enjoyed being here so far. So I raise my glass to everyone here at TAM and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving 2012!

How do I get my husband to step up financially

I am new to this site and I need some help... I married my HS sweetheart from 18 years ago this past year. I have two kids from a previous marriage, which was really abusive. He had never been married cuz he said he never got over me. I know he loves me more then life itself and I never have to worry about him hitting me or cheating on me like my ex's. He is great to the kids and is helping them get over what they went thru with their dad. He is still learning how to be a dad, but he is trying. He is really sweet and loving.

But there is a big problem. He has a crappy job that he has only worked a full week 7 times this year. He is always off for one reason or the other. I tried to get him to take another job which paid more but he chose this one cause it was something he liked. Because of this I work two jobs! My part time job I work more then his FT job. I had to go back to my pt job two days after ankle surgery to keep us from going under. His hardly covers gas and part of the food. He promised he would get some training when we got married...nothing. I have tried to get him to get another job, he stalls. I told him to get a pt job...nothing, just stalling. We are both trying to rebuild and we don't have alot, and we never will at this rate. And all I do is work, meanwhile I don't get any days off and I miss my teens!! He gets to go to the gym, watch tv and has alot of days off!! Its not fair, I am starting to really hate him. I don't want him to touch me and it doesn't matter to him that I yell, he lets me and then tries to be lovey. I want more from my life then this, I am almost 40 and I want to give my kids more too. He has alot of potential and is the sweetest person but I don't know how to get him to step up or is this a lost cause. Does anyone have any ideas. Oh, I spent the last year trying to be the "cheerleader" type in encouraging him to get a better job, that did not work. HELP!!

New here...need help...

I'm confused...
I have a passive aggressive husband who walked out on me a gazillion times well...since we've been together. We've been married over two years. He runs to his parents.
My confusion is learning about passive aggression isn't it usually the PA doesn't 'want' the co-dependant one to leave? So that part is confussing with all the reading I've been doing. :scratchhead: Otherwise yes, he's the classic fit's the bill to a T passive aggressive...counseling/meds didn't help. He even became a Christian and that didn't help. I've become the co-dependant 'never been alone' kicked dog that went back for more...type.
This time though...he's pushing the divorce...wants his stuff...'now'...and 'now'...he's back at the gym... getting massages...yadda yadda..
He's left me with a lake house that needs maintanence and debt up to my eyeballs...we owe more on the house than it will ever sell...I could go on and on... the hardest part is...I work with him. I have to see him at work...and 'no' I can't just go get another job. And yes at times we have to be 'close' to each other...he laughs and jokes and just enjoys himself...has no sorrow or pain...
I realize I sound pathetic...this is all new to me because it's not just one of his...walking outs...he actually 'left me'... he knows I'm in pain...I try not to be...but I am only human...I just don't get it.. He's an only child...his dad is another passive agressive...treats his mom like crap...his mom is financially dependant and can't ever leave...her complaint's and words mean nothing...my husband just goes there...and watches more of ...of what 'he' is...
dayum....when does the pain stop? does it ever? do people ever recover? I work with him... holy ****... i get so ill...

The give and take

Ive been here in the past. Ive poste before. Id like to say today's issues leading me back are different but they really aren't.
We've been married for 7 years with two kids nowm weve had some nice times together, its true. -and weve been through
Some really difficult times together as well.
In any case, oir problems all stem from (at least i believe) me being needy when it comes.to support and affection, and her being unwilling or unable to show love.
Weve discussed it many times and she has put in some effort, but we always go back to 'this' within a week or two.
Most recently, when i tried to schedule counseling, she threatebed to leave, refused to attend, amd accused me of needing 'extreme affection'.
Im not a dr but i would bet money she has mental health issues. She has social issues and goes through phases of depression and highes. She also has several family members on psych meds for similar. ...but she refuses.to see a dr.
I want to point out that she insists there is nothing wrong with our marriage and says i am the only one with a problem.
..but when i withhold affection from her, like i have for the last two weeks now, she starts making comments about how she feels like a roommate. ...when in reality all im doing is matching her level of affection.

Im tired of it. I can honestly say that i would be done already if not for the kids.
If we seperate, she will take kids thousands of miles away
Back to her moms house and i dont know how ill handle that.

I feel like nothing when i am with her. Shes put me down many times and refuses to show love. ...amd no im not talking about sex. Im talking about looks, kisses, words, touching,hand holding,hugs,etc.
She says shes.not that type of person.
She says she is done trying to change

I say i should give up???
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Boyfriend talking to an "old friend"

I have been seeing my boyfriend for six months now and it has moved pretty quick considering the time we have been together. We are already living together and pretty serious. he is very open and honest about everything and for the most part we have a very happy relationship. We are still getting to know each other and both have our baggage but who doesn't. He use to be in the military and has a few friends from back then that he talks to every so often. He recently got in contact with a female friend from back then who is now married with kids but who I know he has somewhat sexual relations with and strong feelings for in the past. Even when she was already married he still made attempts so the fact that she is married doesn't comfort me. They have said little things such as I miss you and want to hangout again. He has told her about me but I'm not sure how much. I told him that I was somewhat user of how I felt about their relationship and that I still have no problem or rite to tell him that he cant talk to her. I don't like to be that type of person but since then he has been talking to her and not telling me and making a point to tell me he hasn't been talking to her when I know otherwise which makes me feel like he is being sneaky which I don't like :( Either he is just not telling me to avoid making me upset or avoid conflict and there's nothing more to it or he is hiding it because there may be something more to it. I just don't know....

What's with my girlfriend's behaviour?

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 18 months. When we first started going out it was all lovey-dovey like most relationships. Sex was good, very affectionate, etc.
Now it's a mess. We haven't had sex in two months, every time I try to hug her she pulls away, etc. She still tells me that she loves me, but on a much lesser scale compared to what she use to. I'm always the one who has to instigate it.
She started a new job about the same time the behaviour change occurred. She tells me she loves her job but she works 10-11 hours/day. I thought her being tired was the reason, and I still think that might be the case.
I did have suspicions that she may be cheating, but I'm 99.9% sure now that she isn't.
I'm honestly stuck. She tells me she still loves me and is happy with me, that I've done nothing wrong - so what is going on?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Left the WEIRD Wife (funny story)

Been Married for Seven years have 2 SUPERB kids we had a decent life with our share of problems but really more fortunate that most. She was a stay at home mom and I worked and moonlighted, about a year ago while we were going to MC I found she was having an EA/PA with a friend of mine (check one of my other posts) I took corrective action....

Recently things were still not going well, she hasn't been involved in the relationship, we were having intimacy issues and I was really perplexed why she was never happy no matter what..... At the same time she wouldn't "deal" with it and we had discussions about not staying in unhappy marriages etc...

She has always had anger issues and stuff and I am extremely calm to the point it irritates her more but what can you do when somebody is going nuts? I couldn't reciprocate as the way she acted was over the top (threaten to stab me etc....) over anything....

We tried scheduling sex but she'd just lie there and I got more annoyed so that didn't work and we cancelled that. Eventually i noticed by coincidence (or so it seemed) we were never in bed at the sametime so I suggested we make an effort.

Now it gets weird....

I come to bed one night at around 1AM and a few minutes later she leaves and says she is going to put our daighter back to bed (normally takes 2 minutes and the parent returns to bed) but this time she doesn't come back.

I go to the room and I see her lying there with her blackberry nearby (she is an addict anyways so thats normal behaviour).

Since her last indiscretion I had passwords to everything, I pick up her phone unlock it and right there is a picture of my wife TOPLESS she emailed to somebody RIGHT from my daughter's bed (my daughter wasn't visible)!!!!!

I freaked out, not because I was hurt or anything but because I was shocked my wife was so reckless to do something like that (she never ever sent me something like that....)

I asked her how could you send your photo on the internet to this person, are you crazy? You don't where this can go etc... I didn't recognize the person.

IT GETS WEIRDER!!!

The she tells me, "Its my cousin from Libya!!!!" and "He's my soulmate".....

I am utterly in shock, I ask her whats his situation.... what does she want to do (I didn't give a crap about the marriage at this point anyways really....)

She tells me he is married with three kids and she loves him but she loves our kids so she doesnt want to leave them, I told her "Hey, I'll give you the money go over there to him" and the leave me the kids, and I Was like "what he is going to leave his wife" and she says no he'll always support her and she implies she'll be his second wife!!!!

He actually calls the house that night as we're talking to check on my wife (that I didn't kill her or something.... what a sweetheart!!) I curse him out etc....

NExt morning I get in that email account I find hundreds of emails between them

To be continued...

"I don't know," "I don't remember."

Am I the only one tired of hearing this crap from the cheating spouse? He says I bring up old stuff but it's bc it's never been solved, not at home and not at therapy, at therapy he always said the same thing! So after 19m of Ther. I said that's it. Stop wasting my time. He went 1x p/wk for himself,and 1x for marr.counseling.

Whenever I ask to see statements to make sure that before I discovered the last 'big event' that he wasn't messing around..he refuses. He says, I should just concentrate on all the good things he's done since then...? WTH?

The last big event= lied about staying late at work, went to strip club, spent $6k, emptied the account, searched on craiglist for prostitutes, called one, the strip club called the cops bcuz he was so drunk, he was taken to hospital and p/u by his family. I did the research myself and found everything out. This was NOT the first time he did something similar, just not as bad, so yes..it has gotten progressively worse.

Am I wrong to ask for answers, since this last event occured in 2011? I dont think so, bc I had just lost a baby at the time, he swears this will never happen again, which I have heard before. He nor the therapist can explain to me where this guarantee is? If he 'doesnt know' why..then how do we know how to see it coming...or how to prevent it? that is my logic.

Am I nuts?
After years of putting up with similar crap, I just want to know why, and since he never remembers what is convenient for him, I want to see more banking statements, and he says...No.

When I say selective I mean, he remembers 'texting me' the lie, but doesnt remember that he was in the vip room of a strip club at the time....Isn't that just the most convient amnesia anyone has ever heard of??

Am I wrong to want to seek proof and evidence, I cant bring a child into this world, I tried, and he walked all over me. Therefore I can easily go back to being single and returning my life to what it was before he came along.

I just want to know, if Im being crazy and a nag, or if I am the only one with common sense in this 'soap opera' like story??

newbie

Hello all, I'm new to the forum :). Hoping I have found a place to vent and find encouragement. My husband and I have been separated and living apart since March and recently I've been trying to piece back my marriage but he is dead set on it ending and I found out it's because he's seeing someone else. He insists that it's nothing but I've caught her coming from his place and I've seen pictures of her around our 6 year old son and even still I have been trying to make it work. I am at such a loss, I don't know what else to do.

To all my new framily.....

That would b friends/ family.....

O lordy someone hand me a hankie!

I just wanted to thank u all for taking me in so fast. I know I have been on here a while and not really made connections, not really put myself out there much.

This last week or so, when Ive really needed it u all have been here to "listen" to my ranting and sob stories, ready for the most part with words of wisdom or just straight up laughs and I want u to know I get all warm n fuzzy feeling. NO FEELING UP THE FUZZIES GUYS!!! lol

You guys have been here to keep away the lonelies..

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, stay safe, love the ones ur with, and dont eat too much!!!!!

(((((((((( HUGZ))))))))))

Lori
PNC

Uncomfortable with husband's female friend

Hello all! I am hoping to get some advice concerning a situation I found myself in. I have been married for 4 ½ years. My marriage to my husband has been rocky sometimes, but I love him and I feel that he loves me too. However, he has a friendship with a female that I am not comfortable with and I want to get some opinions of if I am over reacting or if my concerns are valid.

My husband came to the United States 3 ½ years ago when we married. He is now a US Citizen. I am the only family he has in the United States. About 2 ½ years ago he began taking classes at a local community college, where he met this girl from Vietnam. She is almost 10 years younger than him. He told me that they became friends and that she tried to kiss him but that he didn’t allow it and explained that he was married. They stayed friends despite my concern and took classes together and would secretly call and text each other. About a year after starting classes our marriage hit a very bad point. Long story short I discovered his car at her house and I left him at her house without a car and nowhere to go. There are lots of reasons for this that I won’t get into, but I will say that I was supporting him while he went to college and the vehicle was mine. So when I left him he had no money or place to go. In any case, he ended up staying with this girl’s family for over a month. A little while later we got back together. He swore nothing happened with her or anyone else and I accepted this and decided to try to repair our relationship.

As soon as my husband and I got back together this girl begins calling and texting him. My husband says she is a very good friend and that he is not attracted to her. He told me that the secrecy was because he knew the calls upset me. And that is completely true. I get very upset when I see texts and calls to and from her. Of course we are not talking about a call a couple of times a week. There are several calls and texts in a day. I told my husband I would try to accept his friendship if he keeps everything in the open. He agreed.

It’s been almost a year since all of that happened. I have now moved 2 ½ hours away to take a better job with better pay. I am still the only one working while he is in school. I recently found out that he took a trip to the mountains with some friends. He never told me he was going on this trip. I was upset when I learned about this but figured it was a spontaneous boys night out.

A few weeks later I was looking at the phone records and saw a lot of phone calls to one number and asked him about it. He made an excuse that I didn’t buy and the next day the record mysteriously was deleted. I confronted him and told him that I knew he was lying. He admitted that it was that girl. This was a major shock to me because he had previously told me that she returned to her country. I also learned that he went with her to the mountains with a group of friends but claimed not to take any pictures of the friends he went with. His excuse for all this lying and secrecy is that he knew it would upset me. When I see that she is calling and texting him I do get upset. I should say in my defense that I have no problem with his other female friends, just this one in particular. He does not seem to be willing to give up this friendship even though I am uncomfortable with it. Does anyone have any advice for me?? I could really use it right now.

Which way to go???

Hi All,

I am in this loveless, sexless marriage. We've been married for ten years and have 2 kids-5yrs and 10 months.

My husband has a good job, earns well but has serious anger issues. He's a control freak in my opinion. It took me a while to figure that out. It's bcoz he does lots of chores that many men are lazy at but he does only those things that he wants to do. So it's not about helping me. But I still appreciate the help.

He has no emotional attachment to anyone, no real friends and he doesn't care about socializing nor does he miss it. We never have anyone come to our house. I, on the other hand, love having people over. I find it very difficult to be living a life with no friends, no get-togethers, no celebrations. I also fear that this will hurt our kids social behavior.

I've spoken to H several times about this. He acts like he agrees with me but goes back to his old self. I don't see him making any serious attempt to change. The other part is his anger. Being a control-freak, he cannot tolerate even if the smallest thing is not done his way. With the older kid, he snaps at him all the time. Within seconds of waking up in the morning, the two of them will be butting heads. He has hit the kid several times which I've strongly opposed but he doesn't care for my words. He's very rude with the kid. With me, if I don't agree he'll just walk away. Even generally, we never do anything together. He'll either stay out of it completely or do it alone; even something as simple as cooking.

He doesn't like to fix things around the house nor does he like spending money on handymen. If it's not important to him, he'll not get it done. My preferences do not matter to him at all. I used to be a SAHM. But all this made me very depressed; I've developed severe low self-esteem as I feel unloved, unwanted, I've lost my communication skills, I'm just a walking dead person. I try to cheer myself up every once in a while, but he brings me down quickly. I feel suicidal all the time; I feel trapped as I don't know what to do with the kids.

I don't see myself growing old with him. He'll never care for me. When I'm down he never consoles me. He stays away from me as much as he can(for e.g., he'll be downstairs when I'm upstairs, never makes any plans to do anything like watch a movie or go to a restaurant, he's never eager to be around me). Needless to say, there's no sex. He keeps saying that we're not newly married anymore so the spark has gone. But we're still in our 30s. I don't think men lose it that early. Even if some day we've sex, it's more like he masturbates on me. He doesn't talk to me or even look at me during sex and once done quickly turns and goes to sleep. I feel like I'm just a commodity for him. Maybe he's thinking of some porn star while masturbating on me. It makes me feel very cheap.

I believe marriage is a 2 way street. Both have to respect each other's preferences and should do things for one another. I cook all the time and make his favorite dishes without him having to ask for it. I care for the kids, found a good daycare for them since I found a full time job and make efforts to build our social circle. In return, I only expect to be treated like a lady. I want a man who will take care of me and my kids. With whom I feel secure, who does not whine about his responsibilities, who does not act like a jail warden. I'm thinking much into the future, when we grow old, how is he going to treat me when I've health issues, how is he going to handle the kids when they turn teenagers, how is going to guide them. He acts like a teenager himself.

I'm very scared about our future. I've felt several times that I should walk away. I'm not sure if that's the right decision and if it is where do I go. What will be my kids' future? I've been patient for a long time but I cannot take it anymore.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

In-laws have issues with seeing affection

It's the holidays, which means dealing with in-laws. Mine arrived Monday night, and are pretty much driving me nuts already. :)

There is one issue I need input from my follow ladies on......my mother in law, hates, and I mean HATES, if my husband and I show each other any affection at all in her presence. An example, last night all of us were in the family room, watching a movie and just chatting. H was on the couch, so when I sat next to him, I snuggled up nice and tight next to him to watch the movie. My MIL sees this, and it was like someone just flashed her or something. I don't get it. There was no groping, or wondering hands, or anything even remotely sexual, just cuddling. She was visibly annoyed.

This morning, same deal. Her & I were in the kitchen having some coffee, H walks in before heading to work and gives me a hug, kiss, and says he'll call me at 9 after his meeting. While he's hugging me, she gets up and walks out!!

What the hell? This is starting to annoy me, we aren't doing anything wrong......in OUR house. Anyone else ever had to deal with something like this?

Why would a married man with family be attracted to another woman?

If you're a married man with a a big family and felt attracted to another woman enough to act on it just a little bit (staring, flirting, accidental touching etc) does that mean they're unhappy in their marriage? Or does it mean that he's just really attracted to that person? Is a man more likely to be faithful when he has a big family because his wife is the mother of his incredible children?
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How long should sex take?

I dearly love a quickie on occasion, but find the experience much more satisfying if it takes an hour or more....A three hour session (with at least an hour of intimate massage) is just about perfect for me.....

What Are Your Favorite Christmas Movies?

What are some of your favorite Christmas films, and why do you enjoy them so?

Who am I married to? Which one is real?

I thought we were soul mates and in some ways I still do. We are been married only two years. Our second anniversary passed this Sunday. On the same day, I realized that he has been secretly calling other women. Well, I could only see records of the past couple days (the rest if they exist were deleted).

Today, I learned that one of the numbers belongs to an "escort" in the city we recently moved to. Another number belongs to a nice lady who he was trying to get to go out with him for coffee.

He's my best friend. He's a lovely husband. But now I realize that I have been fooled. I don't understand. I feel like any minute I should be waking up from this awful dream. But it is real.

We do not have kids, thank god. But I love him to death, and I will always love him. I'm confused as to what to make of his love for me. I don't know what to feel or do. I either cry or feel numb.

I think he is living two lives. In one life he loves me and he is my best friend and we spend a lot of time together. In his other life, while I "study" (I'm in grad school) he apparently is learning about the big city.

It's very complicated because I am his greencard sponsor, and before anyone makes any charges about that, we madly fell in love before I applied for the greencard for him. We lived abroad for two years.

I felt we were Romeo and Juliet because we were madly in love and yet faced the threat of separation thanks to our mother/father homelands' political feuding. I'm American and he is Iranian. We met abroad and both dropped our lives to live together in Turkey and then Syria so that we could be together.

I've been to Iran, and I adore his family. I have the most wonderful mother-in-law imaginable. I can't imagine losing them as part of my life.

I also have an academic stake in Iran - a country which I became fascinated by before I met my husband. I now have a passport and intend on having a career built on American-Iranian cultural connections. I loved my time in the country and can't wait to go back, most of all to see my husband's family. (I've been studying Persian for about 4 years now.)

My whole world is now but a dream. I thought it was really destiny - us. But now, I don't know what to think. He is clearly keeping secrets. When I blew up at him for calling numbers belonging to random girls without telling me, he apologized but also trying to make it seem less bad than it was. In order for us to "move on" he wanted us to stop talking about it and to forget what happened.

Of course, I can't move on without knowing everything and I investigated the numbers further today. I found out one is a number belonging to a 24 year old escort in the city we live in. I spoke with another woman who he was hitting on who herself had just learned that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and boy does the world now appear to be a very ugly and corrupt place.

Worst of all, I can't just leave him because he has no one else here. He can't legally stay here if we divorce. I know he doesn't want to go back home and will never go through the shame of returning after having divorced me. His family adore me and he worries so much about what his family thinks.

We don't have enough money to live separately and we recently signed a 15-month apartment lease. I'm in my first of two years of graduate school here. How do I keep on living with him knowing that he has betrayed me and probably has more secrets and will continue to do this.

I'm also scared that if I were to divorce him or end it that he would commit suicide. He has nothing if he loses me. I could never live with myself knowing that he ended his life after I ended our relationship because of his cheating. It's all so confusing.

I feel that he may have an addiction or some kind of problem. He is a good person but he keeps too many secrets. I originally got upset with him viewing porn and keeping it secret - him deleting the history and whatnot. I have never not given him sex, although ever since I found him using porn while I was taking a bath (and trying to quickly hide it when I came out of the shower), I've been insecure about sex and now it just feels like a transaction. This has been the case for two months now. We have sex at least every week or two, but it used to be much more.

I don't know what to think. I don't want to lose him. But I don't want to stay married to a cheater if he is going to do it again and I don't see how I can trust him. I am so lost.

Husband hardly initiate intimacy and pulls away when kissed.

I've been having problems with my husband for the past 2 years that we are married. We've been together for a total of 8 years and now he's 31 and I'm 26. We are both young, healthy and doing great financially. we also have a 1 year old.

I've just been so confused to why he's always rejecting me when I initiate sex or initimacy. We are both virgins when we got married because of our believes but even during our honeymoon we only had sex once in 4 days. He says he cant produce any more sperm and it takes him 1 whole week to reproduce more. I dont have any experience in the area so I dont know, all I know its it hurts when I'm dressed sexy and kissing him and he says hes too tired or he'll say, not tonight honey. He also has problem with being affectionate in general..he tries hard to be but its just awkward, He also is very quiet guy and cannot open up emotionally at all. He also dont have any close friends because of this. But besides all that he's a good dad, provider and he always helps around the house.

Can someone enlighten me to why he rejects me?..He gets angry to why I question his love..and says he's just not a natural when it comes to kissing etc..but how can i not feel hurt when i kiss him and he pulls away?

He is not cheating, hes not gay. but what can i do to not feel hurt each time he rejects me?

Yes or no?

Gate wants to put mustard and lawry seasoning salt on the turkey.... I think no but what do you all think?

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Am I reacting over nothing?

I live in a house with a few other people and two of the people i live with have girlfriends. Naturally, they are intimate. Whilst one couple are rather quiet about it, the other is not. they screw constantly, like bloody rabbits and quite loudly - even when i am watching tv or in my room i can bloody hear them.

is it unreasonable for me to speak to them and tell them to keep it down? i do not know about others, but i consider it unbelievably rude and inconsiderate.

any advice?

how to kiss a girl without getting slapped?

People always say "dont ask her for her permission, if you want to kiss her, just do it".

but from what my past experience, kissing a girl without asking for her permission is a one way ticket to getting slapped.

the context here is after a date where you sent her back home.

so what now?

trust

is it possible for someone to overdue or exploit trust.
My future wife in is the military and is gone quite often for periods of time, with almost all male counterparts. She also works in the oil trade, very long hours with all men. She will go for drinks here and there after work, take trips with or go stay at a girl friend for the weekend. I just feel that my trust is being taken to far. Then when questionable things arise, we talk about it then she is like things never happened. Text messages, rarely in the mood, which to a certain degree I understand from the long work hours. I guess if or when I get out she trusts me 100%, but I have only had 5 days off in a row once in the last ten years. I just want to maybe get her to understand why it is that I feel this way, just feel like my trust has been taken to far. Any Ideas?

found some text messages

I looked at the future wife's texts the other night and didn't like what I read. Back story, been together for 8 years getting married this spring. She works in the oil trade, all men and is in the military, almost all men.

So basically one text was from a guy that was complaining about being sore, she jokes I don't want to know, he asks for a message then with naked in parathasies. She said I don't think so, then went on to say how he thinks sex is like work, she replied it wasn't like that with me.

The next to a coworker in the field, small talk then about dinner and things better late then never, not a big deal but lots of smiley faces which I have never her seen her do in our texts. again this one not a big deal.
So I confront her late that night, she says she is not having an affair and that they were joking. I told her I was very uncomfortable with it all. Next day didn't hear anything, which I thought she would at least see if I was okay, When she gets home from work I told her that I was still very uncomfortable with the first text, she then said the guy had a dream that they were together and that she was just giving him a hard time..... That to me is what is bothering me more and more. That is the most used excuse in the world. Wish I wouldn't have confronted her and just followed the text more to see what is really was.

Surgery soon (Gallbladder removal)

Apparently its quite straight forward, anyone had it done?

This is what I mean about the guys I find...

Sorry this is long but worth the read!

ok, so I have a profile on a dating site. I do not have a pic posted, and I clearly state that im not looking for a booty call.

I get a message from a guy 10 days ago and we started "chatting". There isnt like an IM program or anything so u have to just go back and forth in messages. He gave me his number 4 or 5 days in, I finally got up the nerve to text him 2 days later. So were now at about a week. Everything is all good, have kind of touched on the subject of meeting but nothing set. Last night I messaged him on the site, something was said and my response was " the nation is going to h_ll in a handbasket, blah blah blah.

He texts me this morning while im AT WORK and he knows it, wanting to know what I ment, I told him lets just talk about this later a text cant get across my explination. He texts me back DEMANDING that I answer him NOW!

Oh no no no no...... the NY in me came out and I saw red..... pretty much told him to take a long walk off a short pier....

Got home and wanted to message him one last time to explain myself and let him see what an @ss he made of himself to be honest. He had me blocked sooooooo I went on the forums there and started a new thread titled Message to ____ insert his screen name there.

This is what I posted.

my political point of view......

I know nothing about politics and i tried to tell u that!

All i know is i see children in our nation starving while we let others from other countries just come waltzing in and we support them. I see soldiers coming home to no job and no respect. I see unemployment no better than it was 5 years ago but "someone" skewing numbers so that it looks like unemployment is dropping and really its just because so many have exausted their benifits and still have no jobs, but lets outsource things we dont need to and keep our poor in their little boxes.

I dont know who is to blame, and i dont know who can fix it. I dont know enough about the subject to say..... I just know I dont see it getting better and havnt seen it getting better....

I see a future where every person is going to have to carry a gun because others r getting so desperate to feed their families that they will do ANYTHING to achieve that! I dont want to have to live in fear everyday.......

But let me tell u something, if the way u spoke to me this morning, after "chatting" online for 10 days, DEMANDING an answer, is the way u speak to women regularly, then u wont find much of a woman out there for u. I will not put the food on my table at risk because u demand an answer. I dont think u r in the position, or have the desire to support my family. I have to.
So ur right, this just wouldnt work.

I wish u tons of luck and I enjoyed the conversations we had until this morning.

Irish

So.... any thoughts? Jokes at my expense that will make me laugh?

This is an example of the men I have to choose from.... Maybe I should just give up amd become a nun! Heck,im not looking right now for someone to marry and be with for the rest of my life. Im not ready for that and I know it. I just want someone to go out and have fun with. Is that too much to ask........ really?

Dealing with my Ex Wife some insight and ideas needed!?

In a nutshell on the past: I did not cheat, I loved her very much. she left me, for some old FB flame, we have 3 boys 6,8,10. I am a great father, I took care of the boys when we were together, because I had a business that I ran from home. We were together 12 years, before we married, her father asked me to come over for dinner to talk with me. He explained that I should not marry her because he has tried to fix her all her life and she is always discontent. He tried to save me.
Now, I pay my Child Support, and always try to be upbeat and progressive. She is always mad when I call to talk to the boys, she hangs up the phone on me. Always, Always pissed. I don't get it she left me?
The straw broke today when I called just to have the boys come over to my house for overnight, and return so she can do Turkey dinner not with family, with friends, because none of her family contact her anymore because its always drama. I called my parents and they say "the hell with it! Don't call anymore, the kids have your phone number its time to sever all the past and completely move on. The hell with her. She will just keep trying to control you."
So I am just thinking and seeing what others think.

Thanks to all and happy turkey day!!

Can we ever go back to being best friends? Please read!

Before I started uni I'd never had a girlfriend or even got close to girls as friends. Then I met one of my flatmates and in just weeks we became best mates. At that time I didn't see her as a potential girlfriend and had no feelings for her (or at least I think I didn't). I just loved being in her company and spending time with her. Over our first year at uni we continued spending time together and got closer.....soon after getting to know her more it became obvious to me that I was in love with her.

She knows that I care about her loads and that I have feelings for her but doesn't feel the same way back. Since telling her that i'm into her, we've gone back to being friends and most of the time it has worked out. But now she's got a boyfriend and i'm jealous even though i haven't even met the guy. Also, i find myself getting increasingly frustrated and sensitive to the things she does.....today we were planning to watch a film together but she cancelled last minute and gave no reason. I was annoyed and felt like ignoring her back.

I've tried breaking contact but every time she's been so sweet to me and i've found it impossible to stay away. We're living together until June so there's no way I can simply avoid her. I keep on telling myself that we can only be friends but inside I still dream about us being a couple and it makes me sad that it won't ever happen. Is it possible for us to stay best mates? I want her to be a part of my life cos I know for a fact she cares about me a lot too. But the reality is that I may never stop loving her and this will always be hanging over me.

Advice?

realised housemate is a player, but i am still falling for him

So I spent first year uni really liking my best friend. We spent a lot of time in each others rooms and I thought I knew him better than anyone else and ignored the fact he texted a lot of girls and other signs that maybe he wasn't the amazingly kind guy I thought he was.
Nothing at all happened between us all year, I had a boyfriend at the start and he had a girlfriend too. All year people joked we should be a couple etc.
By the end of the year we were both single and at the summer end of term party we got off, he said a lot about how much he liked me and i said similar back. we then slept together (very drunkedly).

Over the summer he texed a lot at first, came and visited and I realised things wern't right. We agreed to leave things and just see what happens in 2nd year. Big issue being we are in the same house!!

When we got back I quickly realised it wasn't right so talked to him (i was quite angry as he had been all over other girls on a night out and avoiding me and i thought was just being very disrespectful not to say something to me before) we were clear nothing can happen.

Anyway, found out through other people he is going around saying it was all about sex and he never liked me to that extent (even though there are specific things i can think of which make me think he'd never do that unless he liked me).. But by this point i'd had enough and decided it was finally time to move on and forget about any possibility of anything ever happening because reality struck, he is just trying to act like a 'lad' and a player who didn't value our friendship whatsoever and the fact we are housemates makes it a huge no no anyway!

But just as I started getting over him, he has started texting a lot and being a lot more flirty/close. (Possibly straight after i announced im moving in with course friends next year)
While I'm weary of it, i'm also drawn in that after everything if he is bothering to text maybe he likes me.
I know its ridiculous and I need to just stop talking to him beyond a just friends level but i'm finding it so hard. To be honest, I enjoy the attention and no other guys are texting me at the moment.

I don't know how to respond when he texts, I don't put 'x' s and sometimes don't even reply. I couldnt be much clearer I don't want anything of that nature to happen, but he is so persistent.
I dont understand!?!!

Girls - If you are looking for a relationship look no further

If you are feeling lonely or unloved than look no further, as I am the same and looking for a relationship - would consider long distance if you live far away.

As for myself am 19 year old male and am on a gap year. I am a black guy who 6 foot who decent to average looking and I like making jokes so what you are waiting for.

If you have any question feel free to post

Scared of telling my parents I have a boyfriend.

I'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend until now, we've been together for about 2 months and I'm really happy with him.

I'm just so scared of telling my parents, I just don't know how to. I've always felt really ugly and worthless, this lack of confidence is probably why I've never had a boyfriend, but I've had a lot of one-night stands which my mum is aware of, she used to ask me why these guys don't ask me out and I need to find a boyfriend etc, I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed of how I used to be.

Can anyone help me find a easy way of telling them? I keep bottling it and it's getting silly. I just want to be happy and forget about how bad I used to be.

My boyfriend is a bum & extremely lazy!

Hey guys!

Basically my boyfriend is a bum! I've been with him for over 2 years and he has had just two jobs! One lasted two weeks and the other a couple of months. I'm constantly on his case about applying for jobs but he never listens. He'll apply for the occasional job but only if he is forced or Jobcentre are on his case. It's embarrassing for me when family or friends ask what he works as and I'm always saying he is still unemployed.

I feel I can't moan to much as my last job ended in January and I've only just got a job. Difference is though I was looking for a job but I'm Epileptic and it causes certain restrictions. Anyway, that's the longest I've ever been jobless as I've always been a worker and had a job. If I moan at him he always mentions about me being out of work for a long time, but as I've said I looked for a job! He has just turned 21 and let's face it, two jobs since the age of 16 is real bad!

Another issue is his hygiene. He just can't even be asked to look after his appearance and baths just once or if I am lucky twice a week! His room is an absolute pig style and its so frustrating! It is like he can't be asked to do anything....

I no people are probably thinking why stay with him but I didn't realise how much of a bum he was until a while into the relationship and obviously I love him so it's hard to just leave :( I've threatened to leave him, I've shouted, Had many conversations with him about my issues but he just doesn't seem interested so I've had no success!

Any advice? :confused:

I like 2 guys, one is my boyfriend

Ok so I have been dating my bf for ages but we have lost that spark, totally. We are more like bro and sis. We get on so well though and I feel so comfortable in his company. In the bedroom there is not attraction for me. I have told him all this loads but he doesn't want us to break up. I have tried to make things exciting again but it's gone on for too long. However I love him soooooooooo much and care about him more than any other guy.

Guy number 2 I have been getting so close to over the last few months. He flirts with me, makes me laugh, challenges me, excites me. I get excited to here from him and am really attracted to him in the bedroom (me and my bf went on a break). However, I don't LOVE him. I don't feel entirely comfy around him. I don't feel like I can totally be myself around him.

Gahhh really confused :( :(

Why are people attracted to ugly people?

...like me.

Every single place I go there always seems to be ONE person who starts to fancy me. Then I have to put up with everybody else staring at me whenever I walk past and talking about how could anyone possibly fancy her because she's such an ugly repulsive minger blah blah blah.

I used to behave similarly to people with Body Dysmorphia (except for the fact that I am actually ugly) to the point where I couldn't leave my house or talk to certain people because of the way I looked. So to have people, yet again, call me ugly is sort of soul-destroying. Whenever I think I've left that sort of thing behind it happens again and again. It happened in school, then in college and now at university. I know this doesn't sound all that believable but it's true. I can't even mention the whole situation to my friends because I know they'll think I'm making it up in my head, even I don't know WHY they're attracted to me.

Anyway, I just felt like venting my frustration.

PS I'd like to point out that this was a primary cause of my social anxiety and a contributing factor in my suicidal depression which had vastly improved once I started university; I was talking to people and I managed to have a laugh with them and almost feel happy for a while. But now that this is happening again it's bringing back all those old feelings, I'm withdrawing myself once again and I feel depressed a lot of the time (though no where near as bad as before).

Things are better now, but....

Hello all. I need some perspective and I hope someone here can provide that.

Background:
In June of this year I caught my wife cheating on me with another man. We have been married for 11 years and have two young children. Adultery has never been an issue in our relationship, and for most of our marriage things were pretty good – not great, but good. I am by no means an ideal husband, I drank too much and I was consumed with my job, (ironically my wife says that one of the reasons she is attracted to me is my work ethic). I also didn’t participate too much in helping my wife with the kids and the routine chores around the house. I want an absent father & husband. I spent time with my family and I consider myself to be a good father. I just didn’t help her with the ‘boring’ part of family life, like changing diapers and such. To sum it up… I was selfish. At the same time, my wife has never been the most affectionate woman, (I am the romantic one) and the physical side of our marriage, while never absent has always been lacking. I also want to add some context, I was taking an antidepressant since prior to being married to her. The only reason I mention it is because 5 months prior to catching her, my doctor and I agreed I could stop taking it so I weaned myself off of it. It was a rough few months but I never realized how ‘zombified’ it made me. My emotions and feelings were really subdued during our marriage – and that’s unfortunate, I wish I had never taken the medication to begin with. You will see how this is relevant if you decide to read on. That’s the background. Here is my abridged story:

Before I caught her:
A month or so prior to catching her, (from here on out the day I caught her will be known as that 'Bad Day’) I started having realizations about my marriage and our life together. As I said, I was getting off a medication that really suppressed my feelings and now I had all these emotions jumping around; I mean I would get teary eyed watching Herbie the Love Bug with my kids!! Anyhow, I realized how my marriage had really turned into a roommate situation. I wanted to fix that. So what’s the typical male’s solution to fixing a marital problem? Buy her something! I distinctly remember that I was sitting on my recliner with my laptop trolling the internet for something nice I could get my wife. I was really trying hard to find something that would say, “I’m sorry for not being a good partner all the time. I know that now and want to change”. I looked and looked and found nothing… then I looked at our dining room table and saw the pile of clothes sitting there. At first I got a little annoyed at my wife. I thought, ‘why can’t she put this sh*t away!’ That’s when it hit me… I have arms, legs, I can fold clothes… this is what I should be doing! This is what a partner does! This is what she means by help! Why didn’t I understand that before… duh!

The above may sound stupid and obvious I admit; but it’s the truth. Once I realized that my wife needed my help – not a gift – the understanding of how awful I had been really hit me. It affected me so much that I damn near cried the rest of the day. 11 years I’ve been here with her and I’ve never even offered to help her with that kind of stuff! A small point for my ego; I’m not the kind of guy who cries at the drop of a hat. I’m an amateur kickboxer and I work with my hands, I even skip taking a shower sometimes, (maybe that’s my problem, hmmmm). It might even be that getting off meds made me more emotional than normal, but whatever, it was an eye opening and necessary realization! That night, I sat down with my wife and told her I was sorry. I told her I wanted to fix ‘us’ and that my head was now on straight. She seemed to respond with some optimism; though it wasn’t the jumping for joy I had wished for and I’m sure she was skeptical. It was during this conversation also that she made an ominous comment. She said… “I still love you babe, but I’m just not in love with you” Ouch! I wasn’t really sure how to interpret that at the time. She saw the hurt in my face and followed up with some reasoning about marriages losing that ‘new’ feeling after a while and that’s what she meant… little did I know, there was already someone in her life.

After that night I spent every day thinking of how I could be a better partner. Dishes, laundry, kids homework, kids karate, etc but that comment stuck in my head. I remember thinking that things were worse than I thought between my wife and I and that made me truly sad, but I also remember believing that my wife would never leave or cheat so I have time to fix this… I was soooo wrong.

The Affair:
First let me be clear. I am not a jealous man nor am I a controlling spouse. I have always respected my wife’s privacy. I have never tried to control my wife’s behavior nor have I ever done the ‘trust but verify’ thing with her. I just trusted her. With all that said and for reasons I still can’t explain, the day before that Bad Day, I had a sick feeling. Don’t know the origin but it was strong enough that when my wife got in the shower that morning I activated the built in tracking software on her iPhone, (find my iPhone is on all iPhones). I didn’t really know what I would find out. Maybe she was going out with her friends after work instead of working late? I don’t know and I felt so guilty for doing it… but I just knew something was not right and I needed to know what that was. The next day… the Bad Day, during lunch I checked on her. She was at a local restaurant near her work. Nothing unusual but it really ate at me. I was 30 miles away at work but I just had to go and see if something nefarious was going on… so I did. It was weird. I almost turned the car around 20 times. I kept thinking I was going to make a fool of myself or how I had so many more important things to be doing rather than playing Inspector Clouseau. But I persisted… sometimes I wish I hadn’t. When I got there, I parked far off and watched. I saw her exit the restaurant with another man. At first I wasn’t really alarmed. I wasn’t sure whether it was a coworker or what. I didn’t confront her immediately because I didn’t want to embarrass her or myself if it was benign. After they parted, she called me. I asked her what she did for lunch and I got the lie, “nothing, I stayed in the office”. Now I knew. I remember the complete and utter shock and disappointment and sadness that hit. I remember envisioning divorce court and custody battles and the upcoming fights and arguments and sadness. I’m not religious at all but I distinctly remember feeling anger and rage at God most of all. I felt I was being punished somehow; I finally get off medication and realized how messed up my marriage is and I want to be a better husband; I get filled up with hope and optimism about my marriage and then this happens? If at that moment Jesus decided to reveal himself to me I think I would have done a roundhouse kick to the side of his head!

Ok, so to move forward 30 minutes to the confrontation. I went to her office and she met me outside, (I’m not the type to make a scene). She admitted the affair. She really didn’t try to lie. She was hysterical and upset but she didn’t lie. I don’t remember everything that was said that afternoon but I do remember begging her not to leave me, which still surprises me. I usually have more self-respect than that. When I asked her if she would stop seeing him, she said, “I don’t know” which felt like the knife twisting. I just took it for granted that once caught, the cheater stops! How dumb am I? When I asked her if she wanted to see where this relationship went she said, “maybe”. I was unbelievably distraught and heartbroken and even more than the affair, I was deeply affected by the fact she was possibly choosing him over me. At that moment I thought she was taking my family and leaving to live with ‘him’. I didn’t know if this thing had been going on for a few days or a few years. It was the lowest and most hopeless I have ever felt in my life. I still have some resentment toward her for saying those things… but I’ll go into that later.

The Aftermath:
I didn’t know it at the time, but almost the entirety of my wife’s affair was via email… and I happen to be an excellent computer hacker. In the days after the Bad Day I was able to gather every email and text message and phone record. I saw everything. It was painful but also relieving to know that everything she said happened was verified by the facts in her emails. For one, my wife said that she never had sex with this man. I was doubtful but that was proven to be true in her conversations as well as her GPS records in her phone, (I’m scary huh). Also, the conversations they had were ‘weird’. He did all the talking and courting, and my wife’s responses were almost childlike. A lot of short sentences and vague answers with little revealing about herself, except she did make it clear she was married with kids! Furthermore, she even bragged about my boxing and handyman skills to him, (I thought this was really weird). Anyhow, to sum up the details, there were about 140 emails, 80 text messages, 5 lunches together and he kissed her 4 times. That’s the extent of the affair. I am certain that is as far as it went as the facts bare that out. What troubled me so much then and still even to this day was that in the days after I caught her, she was very sad and depressed which made me think she felt there was much more with this man. I even asked her if she thought she loved him and she said, “I don’t think I do”… The vagueness of this statement hurt sooo much!

One more thing about this man; it’s not really that relevant but I’m going to put it out there. I have a close friend who owns a Private Detective Agency. As a favor to me, he put this guy under surveillance for a few days and what he found was profound. I don’t want to get into details but to sum it up, this guy likes to go after married women. I guess I can understand that to a point; a scorned married woman isn’t going to give you any grief and if you accidentally get her pregnant or give her an STD… well what’s she going to do? Tell her husband? Doubtful. Anyhow, I never revealed any of this to my wife because I don’t want her to feel like she was used. My need for revenge wasn’t as strong as my desire to protect her. This also was surprising to me. I would have thought rubbing it in her face that Mr. Ideal was really a predator would have been damn enjoyable.

Today:
Fast forward to today – 6 months later. We are in counseling and I must say that our marriage has never been better. I don’t drink any more, not because she demanded it but because I don’t desire it. Putting the pieces of our life back together was very hard for the first few months. I almost left after the initial shock wore off but I realized that I share some responsibility in getting us to this point so I owe it to my wife, myself and most importantly to my kids to make things work. Don’t get me wrong, my wife’s decision to go outside the marriage is all hers. She owns that sh*t and she has agreed with that statement. My culpability is from my lack of attention to her needs as a wife and mother. Today, I help her with the chores and I actually look forward to it. I must say that I honestly can’t believe she did all this on her own for so many years. I really left her high and dry as far as a partnership goes. I know that know. I own that sh*t!

One thing I’ve learned in all this: I will never take my marriage for granted ever again. You get as much from marriage as you give to it.

As far as whether she loved that other man or not, a week after that Bad Day, my wife came home and apologized with tears in her eyes. I won’t go into details of the 4 hour conversation we had that day, but I will say it was very soothing. She repaired a lot of damage that evening. In short, she expressed her want to make this marriage work and more importantly she wanted our marriage to work because she loved me, not just because it was the right thing to do for our kids. She also said that she now realized she never really cared about the other guy. She said that she realizes now that he was just entertainment; a distraction that took her mind off of her unhappiness.

That’s what I need help with. Maybe I shouldn’t care since things are much better with my wife and I. But I still replay that day with all her ugly words in my head. When she told me she might want to “see where things went” with this man; when she said she didn’t think she loved him; and how could she say all of that when I know she saw the hurt in my eyes. She dismisses those words now as meaningless drivel on an emotionally charged day; but above all, the one thing that really sticks in my head is the sadness and depression she had in the days after she cut the affair off. Can a woman use a man as a distraction? Probably, but would a woman jeopardize her entire family to do so? It actually was her therapist that put that concept in her head. He said that her frustration with her marriage, (me) could have manifested itself as alcohol, drugs, food, or whatever. It just happens to be that it was this man. Does that sound plausible? I guess it makes sense… but her lack of understanding of her own emotions still troubles me. I know I need to move on. I know that no matter what I’m staying with my wife and we will be okay, but I just want these thoughts to go away. I want to believe her when she says he was just ‘entertainment’ and not my replacement. I understand that some of this may be male ego, but it is what it is.

This is very long winded and I still didn’t cover even 10% of the goings on that happened, just the essentials. I was just hoping that some on this site might be able to chime in. I hope you will be thoughtful if you do so. I just put the most painful experience if my life on the web. Please be honest but kind.

It will get better!

I posted in two other forums and asked for help regarding my really unusual relationship. Long story short, me and my soon to be ex-wife dated for six years before getting married. Due to career reasons we had to live on two sides of the planet for a year after getting married. We both understood that this is the sacrifice we need to make to have a better future (or so I thought). I asked her several times to come and live with me and find some suitable opportunities but she declined. We met after a year and she seemed disinterested in me. Starting a few months before that, our communication started to fall apart. She would spend long hours with her friends (or rather a `friend') and would not even come for video chat on weekends. I literally begged her to open a line of communication with me but she didn't.

A couple of months after our last meeting she asks me for divorce telling me that she doesn't love me anymore. I start blaming myself, change myself for the better lose 20lbs in 2 weeks, start the transformation towards being a better human being. But she would have nothing of that.

Two days ago I discovered that when she was with me, she was still talking to a male colleague for more than two hours a day while I was at work or going to bring things she wanted me to. So when I was running around, doing things for her, she was having romantic conversations with another person and cheating on me.

I have always been by her side. I sacrificed my career, my family, my life for her. She is of high risk to experience breast cancer (already two surgeries). I never left her side and had always been there. The only problem for her was my temper. I used to lose my temper if she refused to talk to me as I felt frustrated that our line of communication was breaking down, or if she misbehaved with me. She used to be rude to me all the time, but I never left her.

So I confront her about this other person and she admits of having EA. She had EA twice before and I forgave her and took her back. But this time she doesn't want to come back. So I am going to make the last sacrifice for her and letting her go. I never forced her to do anything and always let her make her own decisions. But this other guy got involved with a married woman, instigated her against me (I suspect some part of her family too due to their own monetary interests), and is now forcing her to get a divorce as soon as possible. The irony is, she cannot even realize what is good for her in the long run and the tinted glass has made her blind. She told me that she didn't tell me about the OM while asking for divorce because she feared I wouldn't grant her wishes if I knew about her affair.

I hold no grudges against them. I would like to thank the other guy for saving my life. I have got myself back and I have realized that a relationship means give and take and one side giving all the time only weakens a relationship. I forgave my soon to be ex wife three times including this one and if she could show some commitment towards our relationship of 7 years then I was willing to take her back. But she wants to throw this relationship for a six month old fling. I wish them all the happiness of this world and beyond.

I am doing well and really amazed how resilient a person can become in the face of adversities. She was literally my life for the last seven years and that was a very bad decision. Life demands balance and I didn't respect that. I got the punishment I deserve but it turned out to be OK.

So if you are sad, lonely, scared, and desperate, dont't be. Realize what part you played and never make those mistakes again. Commend yourself for being able to love so much that it hurts. Cry and then start laughing. Listen to 'What a wonderful world' or 'Raindrops keep falling on my head', go for a walk, reconnect with friends and family (they love you! really!), exercise, and stop having expectations. Don't be under any illusion to get your ex back. Be thankful for what you had and also for what you didn't get. You are doing a lot better than a lot of people. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Love the whole world. Why waste the capability to love just on one person?

So get out of your world of pain and sorrow and enjoy the sights, sounds, and colors of life. Life is too short to let moments pass by thinking of the past. Be positive, have faith, be good, and do good.

Having a hard time understanding this behavior.... any imput would be nice. Thanks!!

I have a boyfriend who seems to have many different ways of showing his emotion. For instance: He gets upset when I want to do anything to benefit myself, like work out, or clean the house or something that does not directly involve him, if he wants me to lay in bed all day, this is what I am to do because this is what makes him happy, if i refuse or say i have things to do, then i am accused of not loving him. He wants me home for lunch, which in turn causes me to take a long lunch which i have to make up the hours at the end of the day, so i always leave a half hour later than scehduled time and then am asked why im late and once again accused of not loving him. But then at the same time, he drinks alot, i would say at least 5 shots a day if there is a bottle in the house and he will get angry at little things and be very dismissive to me and just plain rude. He is retired vet and suffers from ptsd as well. He smokes and says he is trying to quit also. I have a dog who he calls names all the time, says he is a retard and stupid and worthless animal, he leaves him outside for hours on end, leaves him in the garage, does not allow my dog to show affection to me when i get home, does not allow him to be in the family living quarters and interact with us at all, he must obey at all times, not pace around the house, and basically stay on his bed in the corner and not make a sound unless provoked to do so. He hits him in the face and yells at him all the time. I have a huge problem with this and this is what has caused the last argument. I asked him to stop treating my dog this way and tried to explain he is a family animal and just wants to be given positive attention. This made him drink an excessive amount and when I got home, he was stumbling and and mumbling harsh things under his breath and slamming doors in my face. He ultimately told me to understand his point of view or kick him out of the house. I told him i would not kick him out, and he decided to turn on a movie and blast the sound at midnight, i have a 1 year old sleeping and i need to get up in 5 hours, i asked him to turn it down to no avail, i ended up over reacting and taking the controllers and anything that would let the TV work. He of course followed me and would not leave the bedroom where i was trying to sleep and turned back on the TV. I gave up and went to make a bed in my car until he passed out so i could return for peaceful sleeping arrangements. This was two days ago and I have been given the silent treatment ever since. When he is in a good mood, he sings to me, cleans the house, cooks dinner and doesnt want me to lift a finger, will cuddle and watch movies together, but the dog seesm to ruin the moods. I dont understand why he is exhibiting this passive agreesive behavior and almost sounds like he has independant personality disorder due to the fact that he never wants me to leave and cater to him and only him like i have nothing else to be alive for, that i hear multiple times a day "baby... why dont you love me" to get what he wants.. he uses manipulation and guilt to control me. I just got out of a 13 year marriage where my husband cheated on my whilst i was pregnant, that took a toll on me and i am still dealing with thise feelings. So i have some trust issues and this new guy seems to be testing non stop. He has had a chick come over to my house while im at work, lied to me about it and i caught him in this lie red handed, then he was looking at porn behind my back and lying about that, then he was having conversations with his ex girl and telling her that he doesnt want to lose her for good and he still loves her. This hurt me, but guess what, it ended up in HIM giving me the silent treatment for not beleiveing that he truly loves me! Go figure.... i know this is long, but i figure details help when trying to evaluate a situation. I just want to know how to kick this silent crap, and help myself not feel so depressed and lonely when he treats me like this, and if possible, how to get him to treat my dog better. Thanks!!

Is this something to even worry about?

Well basically I feel as if I'am the kind of boy girls just aren't interested in, mainly cause I'am shy but that's not what I'am asking.

My relationship record goes like this, went out with a girl, she dumped me after 1 day. A year later the same girl asked me out again and after 4 days dumped me, gave up on her, went out with someone else a year later and she dumped me after 1 day as well. Never had one again, really what I'am asking is this a bad sign or where they just too quick to say no to me and not give me a chance or do I have issues?

Note: these two girls are really kind people so I don't think they did it in an way to upset me.

I'am not bothered about relationships really at the moment, but it would be nice and I think it would really help with my anxiety disorder too. Most of all I know this sounds perfetic but people keep asking me ''do you actually like anyone?'' or I think thanks to a rumour people think I'am A sexual, I think maybe this is the problem as I suppose a girl will not bother if she thinks I'am not capable of having feels of this kind that I'am.

not looking for a boyfriend hasn't worked

When I was 16 I was given the advice to not look for a boyfriend but to live life and enjoy it, and it will just happen, as long as I was confident and not 'desperate'. I'm 20 now and it hasn't happened (It's happened to everyone I know though).

Hmm...seems like it was bad advice. Just to let you know not to follow it or give it to people.

Girlfriend embarassed me

Anon or delete.

This is kind of my fault but still it's annoying me :p

I was buying some trainers in town and one of the girls who worked there was quite attractive. I thought I was subtle looking at her but my gf said I made it obvious as had she smiled at me. Then later I saw her bending over near me and I could her leopard style underwear which was a turn on.

Anyway the guy who bought my size trainers over, she said to him she will take over which annoyed my gf. I didn't make eye contact with her or do anything but my gf got mad and starting embarassing me. Saying you shouldn't buy these trainers you are not 100% sure e.t.c. Basically she really bossed me around and later she said she did it intentionally in front of the other girl.

I felt a bit small at that moment and it made me look bad, am i in the wrong though?

Really don't know how to get a girlfriend?

I have given up to the point where I have undertaken every option, I can't think of anything to do. Am I not giving off the right vibes, am I being desperate, I can't think of what it is. How can I be less desperate, because I really can't get one, so may as well slow down the looking as it were. Can anyone give some advice? Need someone to talk to about this!

How tell that certain someone...

There's a guy in my year at school and I really like him... :$
I would really like to tell him how I feel but I'm not really sure what the best way would be...any ideas?

do lesbians have the mentality of a man?

Lesbians often say that their really men but just born in a womans body. So does this mean they think like men? And less emotional, and drama queens and sensitive?

I just want to do "it" already

Anon:$
Honestly I'm not sure what to do, I'm female, 19
I haven't ever had a bf
There's this guy at Uni i like and I've been having dreams about him and it's making me want him
Not sure what advice I'm looking for... but it's actually just making me really down? I need a relationship, I want the closeness of someone,
maybe it's because deep down I just feel unloved and just want someone to show me they love me

Have you ever got a regret for missing a guy/girl..?

He took me from uni back home to look after me when I once got cold..

He once cooked me breakfast after cuddles in the night.

He invited me to live with him together in that small town.

He asked me to write the eulogy for his elder brother..

He invited me to share the Christmas dinner with him..

He wanted to be known around my friends.

Anyway, I eventually turned him down. But afterwards, I found guys called Chris are likely to be nice~

Recently, I happened to think of him sometimes. Maybe I missed out an offer which would have been the best in life.

Have you got similar experience...?

Lies, lies and more lies.

I've had two people who I've talked too long distance (couple hours away) tell me that they can't come to my area because they lost their license but they want me to go to thiers. What are the odds :glare:

Is this part of the "Guy's guide to lies?"

It just seems like a lot of men have the same stories, excuses.

And don't jump to conclusions, I'm not saying it ALL guys.

Our friend`s wife is jelous

Hello everyone,

Before 1year our friend Ellyn told us for a good job in middle east.Well it was a really well paid job for my husband and ellyn and we decided to go.We were 2 new couples and we decided to go.I had emotions and was very exited about my husband opportunity.
With Ellyn we have friendship from 8 years.He was the best university friend of my husband. He is a good boy but non self cofidence.Her wife(actually second wife,we knew her about 1 year ago)he fianced her imedialty when he seperated befor the wedding.It was very fast thing that I was not ok with thi,but we respected his decision).
We opened her our friendship door and she behaves as se respected this thing.
First we lived together in a big house becouse (we,the girls, were in a new country and we wanted to stay together just for the beginig.we stayed 3 months together) I loved the period that I lived there,it was as a new life for all of us.When our husbands came back work,they were very satisfied watchaing us happy to wait for them,the good meal,coffes etc.She wanted to learn `by eyes` from me but i am a very open person,When she tried to do things as Idid,as said her:bravo,you`re gona be a good wife. Everything looks ok from outside.
My husband and I begun to save money and really I was very quiet ,my husband too. But after 2 months I begun ill and went to hospital for 4 days. I satyed ill in my bad for about a week an I wait from our friend`s wife(they have one yer to cook or to take care of me,but she didn`t.She always stay on skype,fcb etc.And I thouht that`ss not a big problem,maybe she is affraid from the situation and she did not what to do.Anyway,when I came back home, she was on skype and it was almost the time when the men came back from work and she has prepare only fried patatoes for them !!! ok I went to my room and it was exactly as when I left 4 days ago (when I was bad and the ambulance took me).Anyway this is the educatio that her family has give to her and it is not a big problem for me, but in these cases we need to be more human expecially with friends but she didn`t realize this.
From that moment I begun my serious behaviour with her . I really give her opportunities to show herself as she really cares about our friendship or more exacty:or husband`s friendship,our new life, our plans and everything a new couple want.becouse she was new in our friendship cycle and i respected her or better I over-respected her from out friend.A lot of her mistakes i did not take as a base, i talked to many times to her tellin what ellyn and a husband waits from his wife(becouse with my husbeand we have been in love for 10years and)and her talks were :x has y lover,z has had G lover ...etc. I tried ao many times to convert her from a country girl to a well educated woman.
One night as we were going to the kitchen,we heard her shouting to ellyn that she do not stand me,she hates me,she can not live with me,she can not stand my glasses ... :) and a lot of these children things.I was very offended, in that time I wanted to enter in the kichen to say to her:shame on you! but my husband turned back to the room very angry.I stayed and thought:is this right for my husband becouse if I enter and say this,we will not talk to each other any more.so i quit !!!!! turned back to my husband and we decided to get another home just for us. My husband say this to ellyn next day and the reason why:we heard bad things from his wife.
Her behaviour was very interested next days:she always speaks politely and she acted as she waited from me something but I really didnt care becouse she has not been a friend of mine,she is a straighner yet(she always has been so)my behaviour with elly,was the same as in the begening.Ellyn`s wife from that moment talked only to my husband and he talks very little to her.
The day when we have to go,they found a new house and went 1 hour befor eus.in the door,ellyn say us good bye,and she shoud from outside my husband name and sy bye!
I went to the door and called her: you only talked to Ben and not to me???we have lived together for 3 months and you dont even say `bye`?
Ellyn said to her:why you did not talked to her but only to Bill?SHe sad I didnt see her.......
Then in our husbannds company they offerd me a job than offerd her too.we work here but i different places thanks God I dont want to see her witch face.
My problem is to my husband.he is a very polite person and he does not want fights,neither I.HE wants to go out with ellyn and his wife but I said to him:`this is not fair for me,i have stand a lot of stupid thing fom her,she has a black heart,she dont love ellyn,i swear,she only wants to have a better life for herself.If I see her ,i do not speak to her` One week before we sow hem on lunch,and my husband stopped and talked to them...
i dont know why my husband has to put the friendship over the family interests...this makes me so nervous with him...We love each other and he always has a strong relationship with friends but he has to be more adult. ellyn is not as before with me,why my husband has to make as their friendship is strong as always meanwhile I am a part of their friendship????? I have been so nervous with him this week.I really do not know till where he is going with this.

Found old Love after separation!

I really need some advice from you guys! I have been separated for more than 2 years. I was the one who left my Ex , because of a lot of physical and emotional abuses! So, after 15 years, I left him. We are during divorce process now, but it might takes long time. I really did not want to get involve with any other relationship in near future, but couple weeks ago something happened which changed my life!!

I had a Lover boy since I was a young girl in high school . At that time, we loved each other for a long time. He wanted to marry me , but my family did not accept him. This is a long story!! Any way, we felt apart for more than 25 years! I married some one, and later I heard he married as well.

I did not heard from him till almost three years ago. He found me from internet, and send me an email. He was missing me so much, and wanted to talk with me, but I ignored him. At that time, I was really mad at him, because we both we married, and I was very responsible about my marriage. however; I never could forget him, he was my first love, and some one very special for me! But again, as I said, this love story for me was over!

After my separation, still I did not want to contact him, because he was a married man. But, last month he contacted me again. He did not know that I am separated, but still wanted to talk with me. This time I answered him. I thought, I am single anyway, and he is my old friend. So, it would be nice to talk with him!!

Finally we talked with each other after 25 years . I can not describe our feelings! we cried, we laughed, we did not know what to say!!! I told him about my new situation, and he told me about his terrible wife, and how difficult his life is. He said, I have plan to get divorce from my wife in near future!

He said, he could never forget me, and still is in love with me, and this time he does not want to lost me. He asked me to wait for him one more year. Surprisely, I felt the same way. We are really soul mate, but at the same time I felt so bad, because he is a married man, he has children, and I felt so guilty. I told him, it is too late, you have your own family and it is better that you forget me. But, he said I promise you, this is nothing to do with you, and I have made this decision, since long time ago. Just don't leave me any more.

So, we are now like a long distance friend, but still I feel so bad. I don't know should I trust him and believe his story or not?!!
I don't know his wife, or any other thing about his life, and relationship at all. He is my only resource!

But some time, I wonder, if he was really in a good and lucky marriage, could he still think about his old love and looking for him all theses years?

Please give me some advise. I don't know what to do!!!

Has anyone else.....

that's been betrayed

hit the bitter stage yet?

I'm finding I am intolerable of the threads in the infidelity section when it's a cheater asking for help.


I think I might have to keep away from that area for a bit- for fear of letting myself go to town on a keyboard.


I don't want to be like this....but I can't seem to control it now.

argh...tell me I'm normal :scratchhead:

Found old Love after separation!

I really need some advice from you guys! I have been separated for more than 2 years. I was the one who left my Ex , because of a lot of physical and emotional abuses! So, after 15 years, I left him. We are during divorce process now, but it might takes long time. I really did not want to get involve with any other relationship in near future, but couple weeks ago something happened which changed my life!!

I had a Lover boy since I was a young girl in high school . At that time, we loved each other for a long time. He wanted to marry me , but my family did not accept him. This is a long story!! Any way, we felt apart for more than 25 years! I married some one, and later I heard he married as well.

I did not heard from him till almost three years ago. He found me from internet, and send me an email. He was missing me so much, and wanted to talk with me, but I ignored him. At that time, I was really mad at him, because we both we married, and I was very responsible about my marriage. however; I never could forget him, he was my first love, and some one very special for me! But again, as I said, this love story for me was over!

After my separation, still I did not want to contact him, because he was a married man. But, last month he contacted me again. He did not know that I am separated, but still wanted to talk with me. This time I answered him. I thought, I am single anyway, and he is my old friend. So, it would be nice to talk with him!!

Finally we talked with each other after 25 years . I can not describe our feelings! we cried, we laughed, we did not know what to say!!! I told him about my new situation, and he told me about his terrible wife, and how difficult his life is. He said, I have plan to get divorce from my wife in near future!

He said, he could never forget me, and still is in love with me, and this time he does not want to lost me. He asked me to wait for him one more year. Surprisely, I felt the same way. We are really soul mate, but at the same time I felt so bad, because he is a married man, he has children, and I felt so guilty. I told him, it is too late, you have your own family and it is better that you forget me. But, he said I promise you, this is nothing to do with you, and I have made this decision, since long time ago. Just don't leave me any more.

So, we are now like a long distance friend, but still I feel so bad. I don't know should I trust him and believe his story or not?!!
I don't know his wife, or any other thing about his life, and relationship at all. He is my only resource!

But some time, I wonder, if he was really in a good and lucky marriage, could he still think about his old love and looking for him all theses years?

Please give me some advise. I don't know what to do!!!