Hi,
I'm new to this forum and after reading through a number of posts, I've decided to share my story in hopes of getting some advice and support.
I'm 38 and my wife is 31. We've been together for almost six years and married almost three. Last September / October, we moved across the country (from Ontario to Alberta) so that I could accept a new job (my dream job). Without getting specific about what I do, there are only 30 jobs in the world and it's a public, fairly high-profile position. I started working (volunteering) in this field when I was 18 years old, and after spending almost two decades climbing the proverbial ladder, I finally reached my career goal last year.
On our first date, I told my to-be wife what I did for a living and what my career goals were. I also told her that with only 30 jobs in the world, I needed to be with someone who would be willing to move, potentially across the country or maybe even to the U.S., if there was an opportunity. She was on board...or at least she said that she was, or was at the time.
In the next few years, I interviewed for two jobs and didn't get either. I was starting to believe that I was never going to achieve my career goals, and I suspect that she was, too. Last summer, a job opened up and she encouraged me to apply for it. I did, with little hope that I would be successful. After I interviewed for the position, she started to change. Suddenly, she wasn't sure that she was willing to make the move. After much discussion, I told her that I would remove myself from consideration. Her response was that she wanted me to get the job and wanted to move. So, I went for the second interview and was offered the job. When I told her, she flipped out. We had some pretty intense discussions and at one point, I said that after everything that had been said, if she didn't let me accept the offer or didn't go with me, it COULD be the beginning of the end for us. That may have been the case, but I certainly wasn't threatening her. After much more discus sion, she agreed to let me accept the job and make the move. Our next hurdle was telling her parents. My Wife is very close with her Mom and Dad. When we went to their house, I was ambushed. Her Mom and her Dad started screaming at me, calling me selfish and saying that I didn't care about anybody but myself. They just couldn't understand why I would want to move away from family and friends and out of our new house for a job. They said it was "just a job". Obviously, I didn't and never will see it that way.
Luckily, my Wife, who also has a good career, was transferred by her employer to the same position in our new city. They even gave her a cost-of-living increase, which was great. We travelled to our new city and purchased a house, even nicer than the one that we had just built and sold. Everything seemed to be falling into place.
The first few months that we were in Alberta, my wife seemed content. Not happy, but content. She was really trying to establish roots by trying to make new friends through work, volunteering at the SPCA and through meet-ups. She really tried. In hindsight, I probably should have told her how much I appreciated her sacrifice and how much I appreciated how hard she was trying to make it work. Things started to change around January. Even though she was doing the same job for the same company, she wasn't (isn't) as happy at work. She said there is a different "vibe" and that because we are in a larger market, people are more "cut-throat". There isn't the same community in her office in Alberta as their was in Ontario. She would come home upset almost every day. That has been one of our problems.
Another major problem is how much I have to travel for work. While I'm pretty much off all summer, from October through April or May, I am away a lot. On average, I am home (not working at home or traveling for work) 12 or 13 days a month. My Wife keeps telling me how lonely she is, even when I'm here. Even though she swore that she wouldn't resent me for accepting the job and moving across the country, she does...she's admitted it. Moving away from family and friends is hard, but on top of that, she's built a wall around herself and won't let me in. So, not only does she not have her family and friends close by, she is keeping me at arms-length. For months, it has felt more like we are roommates or friends as opposed to Husband and Wife.
I thought things were getting better and was really looking forward to my time off from work so that I could take some things off of her plate around the house and so that we could re-connect as a couple, meet new friends that would give her a support system now, and more importantly, when I go back to work. But since I've been home, things have been worse. She keeps saying that it doesn't matter what happens during the summer because I'm gone all winter. We recently went on vacation to the same place that we went from our honeymoon and other than sitting by the beach or the pool and eating meals together, she didn't want anything to do with me. I would just sit in the lobby bar by myself every night. With that said, I was trying to be supportive and understanding. A couple of days before we left, she had a panic attack at work. I took her to the hospital and they prescribed her medi cation for anxiety / depression. She has been on them for a few weeks now and seems t o be calmer. She also seems a lot colder.
We have been to see a marriage counsellor a couple of times in the last month. The first time we went, my Wife finally admitted that she is angry at me for taking the job and moving. When the counsellor asked her what I could do to make her happier here, she said she didn't know. She also admitted that she had stopped trying to make it work in Alberta and wanted to move back to Ontario. When the counsellor asked me if I was willing to do that, I told her that I didn't think that was the answer because if I give up the job that I worked so hard for, I would only resent my Wife worse than she resents me for taking it and moving here. It would also leave me - and potentially her - without jobs. We would go from both having good / great careers to being unemployed and from being quite secure financially to broke and living in her parents' basement.
Since then, we've had some really good discussions and some really bad arguments. She has said things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore", "I just want to live a normal life, I don't want to be the wife of a public figure", "I don't want to end our marriage but I don't know if I can or want to live this lifestyle anymore".
Almost everybody that we've talked to - counsellors, family members and friends, have told her that it takes a lot more than eight or nine months to start to get over homesickness and feel more comfortable. I think she gets that, but I'm not sure she wants to or is willing to keep trying.
I caught her in a couple of lies last week, although I must admit that me trying to wrap my head around what is happening led me to do something that I now regret. I couldn't help but wonder if there was someone else. I looked through the messages on my Wife's iPad and found out that she had asked her company about a position in Ontario and that she had gone to the bank. When I asked her if she had started looking for another job, she said no. When I asked her if she had an appointment at the bank, she again said no. She later admitted that she had lied. Until last week, trust was never an issue in our relationship. Now, it is for me because I caught her in a couple of lies and because I looked through her iPad. She never had a problem with me looking on her iPhone or iPad before - and the same went for my phone and tablet. Now, she said that because I did that, she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house.
On Thursday, she texted me to say that she was going to stay in a hotel this weekend. Naturally, this raised a red flag with me. She said that she was doing it to get away from my Dad (he's in town visiting and they've had some uncomfortable discussions about what's happening), and to get away from all of the conflict and tension so that she can think. She swears that she hasn't cheated on me.
Before she left yesterday, we had a really constructive three-hour chat. We were both very calm and level-headed. She told me about all of the things that have and continue to bother her. In addition to being so far from her family and friends, she also has some issues with me. There are no major issues, but a number of minor ones. She said that if we lived in Ontario, the issues wouldn't be as big of a deal and certainly wouldn't have her considering separation / divorce. She feels like because of my career, she's had to give up so much of who she is - mainly the relationships with her family and friends. By the way, she has flown back to Ontario four or five times since we moved to Alberta, her Mom has been here twice, her Dad and Grandma have een here once.
At the end of our conversation, I asked her what her best-case scenario was. Her response was saving the marriage and finding a way to be happy and live a fulfilling life here, with me. She added that she didn't know if she could do it.
I believe that my wife loves me...I just don't know if she loves me enough to make the sacrifices necessary to stay here. I have told her that we may not be here forever. Things change. A lot of things can happen in the field that I work in. And who knows, if we get our marriage back on track and decide to start a family, which is really important to both of us, maybe I will decide that my job keeps me away from my Wife and kids too much, and change careers. I don't know what the future holds professionally. Personally, I love my wife with all of my heart. She is my best friend. I want to save our marriage and rebuild our relationship so badly. The thought of losing her kills me.
I don't know what to think or what to do or not to do. Any experiences, guidance and advice would be much appreciated!
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