| Hey.. Some of uou have commented before with very useful advice... Situation has evolvd and now i need advice again... Background: wife and i married 9 years two kids 5 and 4. I go to med school and fully support fam financialy and my wife is sahm. Her 18 yr old sister came from their home country in september to study and she is staying in our home. Ininitially welcomed that as i knew how much that would mean to my wife. Now: well its been 7 months and i have found that my wife and indont have alone time. My school is demanding and we have kids but what used to be simple moments after kids were asleep no lo ger exist because we are not alone at home. Sunday trips to the parks are not just my wife and i and kids. But all of us and her sister! I am grateful when sister vilolunteers to watch kids currently we have one schedules "date night" a week (this is recent though 2 weeks ago). But in total this is not enough for a coule. To top it off, my wife recently told me her sister will be staying ANOTHER year. Without discussing this at all with me. Potentially, i have given the impression that i would agreeable with this arrangemtn but considering the toll this has taken i no longer feel that way! When i say toll, i mean the lack of alone time, the fact that anything novel that she would have in the past shared with me, she now shares with her sister as she is present at home more than i am! I would easily say my relationship is worse now than in september and i could easily say it is because of thr lack of time for us! I dont think i can just say no to her staying or kick her out as this would devastate my wife as she has missed out on her sister that last 10 years butthis is also taking a toll on our relationship... In need us to be a priority! Please suggestions!! Posted via Mobile Device | |||
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When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
What to do in this situation
Husband-Female Coworker/Friend Help
| My husband works with an attractive female who I have met a number of times. We've gone out together before as part of a group and I know her quite well. To be honest, I'm not her biggest fan - she's married but likes to flirt excessively with other, often younger, guys (she's in her 30s, they're usually in their early 20s). She'll even go so far as to lie about the fact that she's married when talking to these guys. Nothing ever happens (I know, I usually end up driving her home), but it bothers me that she behaves this way, even if it's not with my husband (then again, I'm always around at these group outings). However, a couple of weeks ago, we all went out and my husband ended up VERY drunk and texted her to make sure she got home. During this text conversation, he told her she looked good that night, then that she looked hot. Her response - "that's why your my work husband!" I found this text the next day as I was on his phone for ano ther purpose - wasn't looking for it. We had an argument about it - well, I yelled, and he apologized profusely, telling me that he didn't even remember it he had been so drunk. After coming across that message, though, I decided to look a little bit further at his texts and our phone records and I found that they had been texting on a daily basis for quite some time. Now, these messages are not inappropriate - in fact, the "you looked hot" was the worst thing said by far. Most of them focus on the gym, if they worked out that day, or some other small detail and are usually only one or two back and forth. However, knowing that she's the type of person she is (flirtatious), it's very difficult for me to accept even these texts. I've talked to him about it for the past few weeks and he admits the one text was inappropriate and knows why it hurts me. However, he won't stop texting her because he believes the rest aren't inappropriate and she's his closest friend and doesn't want to ruin that friendship (he has his own issues with insecurity and, to be honest, he does not have many close friends). While I don't want to cause him pain and cost him a friend, I also can't accept that that's more important than our marriage. Am I wrong for this? Am I reading too much into their friendship? To his credit, he has been very honest about the whole thing and shows me all the messages that are sent. I'm just not sure that I can accept his best friend being this person who obviously does not respect her own marriage and who he feels so strongly about (obviously, since he won't stop the texting). I apologize for the somewhat rambling format of my post, but any advice or comments are appreciated! | |||
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But why try If I don't love you anymore?
| My husband and I been married for 5 years. We got pregnant and married very quickly within 6 months. In the beginning he was a heavy drinker and just did not want to grow up. Over time that faded slowly and what took its place was his anger. Over the past 3 years he has been nothing but emotionally abusive and draining. I always told him how i felt, that I felt unloved and that the way he would talk to me was hurtful but nothing changed his attitude. To be clear he never laid a hand on me yet at times I wish he would have because the sting would not last as long. I always knew he was an amazing person but he just never knew how to let that person out and express himself without the use of his anger and yelling. I loved this man with all of what I had inside of me. I could have loved him for the rest of my life if he would have just given me what I needed....So finally a year ago I quit making excuses for him and decided that he will never change and that all I can do is decide to live with it or not. Well I decided to no longer allow him to effect my every day mood or our children. I pulled out of the marriage emotionally so he could no longer have a hold on my feelings. Once I decided to pull back emotionally of course everything changed because I visably no longer "cared". Nothing he could say or do could effect me anymore. We bascially became just roomates raising children together and splitting bills. During this time I would continue to be open and honest and tell him that he was pushing me away by not being there for me and not putting any effort into our marriage. A year went by until finally 3 months ago I finally asked him to leave. i told him I wanted to be seperated and that I was no longer in love with him and have not been in a long time. He said he felt like it came out of no where when in all truth I had been telling him all along he just chose not to listen. He did not want to leave. He begged and pleaded for another chance but I had been giving him chance after chance for years to change. once I started to see his attitude spill over into the personalities of our children I could no longer handle it because at this point it was not about me any more. Every time he would beg I would stay strong and tell him nothing but the truth, that I am just so far gone out of this marriage and that this seperation is new to him but it is not at all to me. I have been emotionally seperated from this man for years. Hes been staying at his moms and we've been getting along great for the kids. He is still very hurt and cries pretty much every time he sees me. He has been going to counciling and has gotten help for his anger. I can see the changes in him with the kids and his every day attitude. This has definitly been a wake up call for him. Even with seeing all the change I still can not bring myself to the place to where I want to stay married to him. I feel so disconnected from him I am not sure if there is ever a going back from that. There is zero fire in side of me that wants to work it out because of the two of us. The only thing that is holding me back from getting a divorce is my kids. I look at him and see how much he has changed and I think about how our life could be great together if he continues on this path to healing but I know down in my heart I could really never love him the same. I have told him all of this I have been nothing but honest with him. He begs to allow him to win me back , to court me all over again. I just dont think that is fair to him. This man that is clearly in love with me trying so hard to win me back and my heart is just no longer in it. I want to give him a chance but I just can not find any other reason but my kids to do it. They are number one in my life and they have a major influence in every decision on make so they are enough to try but I can not get past the guilt of feeling NOTHING for him any more and dating him all over again. I am so very confused on what to do really. We have been to conseling and continue to go but even when Im there im really only there to support him. I know love is not every thing but isnt it a big thing ? Are the kids enough reason to try if I know he has really changed ? I am so very terrified of letting him down all over again if this dating thing does not work and I feel in my heart it will not........:confused: :confused: | |||
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Sex for Drugs
| Hi For me it was just a bad week, my car broke down I had to get a new transmission, it really sucked because husband and I were down to one car for a year now, so I had to take a cab to work to the late shift, I got out of the cab that morning and must have dropped my phone somewhere. I couldn't find my phone so I asked CS if I could use theirs he handed it over, a call came through a name I had saw once or twice before the name had a five in front of it like the names of people from this company he used o work for, so 5michelle calls I ask about it he said oh ignore that just team sales training calls he is still on someones list. I though it was odd but I was distraught over losing my phone. I tried calling my number and someone picked up but didn't say anything, so I thought damn someone has my phone and I will probably never see it again, then a test message appeared it says "hey baby where are you?" I looked at it in disbelief and noticed it was from 5michelle by now my heart is racing and hand is shaking a bit. I tried to school my features so he wouldn't get tipped off and grab the phone so I text back "I am at home" response came back quickly "call me" so I said "what's up" so maybe this person would spill some specifics that would be indisputable, by then my husband looks at my face he must have sensed something wrong he says who are you texting, so I handed him the phone. He immediately went into liar mode, oh this person obviously is texting the wrong person by mistake, so I said how can that be the case when I have seen this person call your phone several times they have to have gotten your voice mail when they called and there was no answer so in order for them to text right after they had to know who they are looking for, at this point he is trying to stay calm he says look I will text the person and ask if they have the wrong number, he sent out a text. Meanwhile I went on our cell providers sight to check how often that number has called and how many minutes were those calls from someone he doesn't talk to, he shows me a text back from her that says sorry wrong number, but our call details go back 90 days and the number popped up often so I wrote down all the dates and times and went back there is no way you are denying this and now I am numb angry shocked dissapointed spinning, but I ask him to tell me the truth you cant deny it did you meet this person at a sales meeting is this someone you work with did she hit on you and you guys are flirting back and forth, he says no he gave her the 5 title so I would think it was sales related which I did when I saw it several times before, but he never changed his behavior and our relationship seemed good. I asked him to just tell me what happened lets put it in the open and talk like adults he said it's nothing believe me it's lower than nothing you don't have to worry means nothing to me, I said then why is this person calling you baby he said it was a person going through a divorce needed a shoulder to lean on and I said have you had sex with this person, he hesitated I said that would be a yes, then he turns on the I don't want to hurt you I never thought you would find out, I said we have two small children 1yr and 3yrs old a twenty year relationship and a ten year marriage was it worth it to tear it apart, he said no he felt sooo guilty and terrible, but I said if I had not intercepted that call you wouldn't have said anything, he said he has been trying to stop I said whats holding you back are you in love with this person he said hell no, so I said who is she he said he met her outside a restaurant she said she was stranded and needed a ride because her husband stor med off and left her he said he decided to help her and bought her some food he took her home they talked about the husband and somehow she offered him sex??? He says he declined at that time but took her number, she continued calling him and he would pick her up after taking my son to school in my car and take her to get marijuana I was floored I literally felt my knees buckle we don't drink we don't smoke where did drugs come into play, I said are you doing drugs he oooh nooo no no no I would take her there to pick this up and she would have sex with me, he would also give her money for the drugs then take her home but she didn't want to do it in her house because she said the children were in there, so they would do it on the back porch, he said it wasn't passionate he didn't touch her she would give him oral sex with a condom on and he would have sex with her doggy style with the same condom this is soo out of character for the man I knew him to be we were the Zen couple doing everything together our names came out like oneword to people who knew us and I thought we were very happy. He said he needed the ego boost he had gained some weight and his business was not going well and he was being selfish, he said you are always tired we only do it twice a week on weekends when you are off work, yes I work nights and when I come home I have the babies and household chores it is much easier on the weekend when I don't have to work, he said he was tired of jerking off and to him this was the remedy it was just like jerking off, but when I probed further he admitted to providing the woman with self help books as he is known to do with many of our friends and family if this was a cash or drug relationship why are you listening to her cry on your shoulder or trying to help her. I cant believe he could be that heartless and use this addict like this he always tries to help people, he said she called him when she needed drugs and he would take her there have sex, not wash or anything and then pick my son up from school, he said it has been going on for three months about and I am thinking of the many times we have had sex and how many other people is this woman using for drugs, is he that stupid , that gullible, that reckless, that heartless??? She knew about me, she covered up the lie with him quickly on the text so there was a bond, I asked if he touched her kissed her groped her body he said she would often have a jacket on but later he admitted she was an A cup how would you know that. He took a picture of her id and had it in his phone I said why did you do that he said just in case anything happened, so you didn't trust what was happening but you did it anyway....and I cant get rid of the numbness and nagging question why why why why why...... | |||
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Considering separation due to too much stress
| I have been married for 11 years and I always felt my husband and I had a strong marriage, because we have been through so many difficult times and made it through. But our marriage has been very stressful. My husband was in school for 8 years, just to get a bachelor's degree, which he can't use in this economy. He then went to technical school for about a year and a half until he realized the program wasn't teaching him anything he would need to find a job. He has never held a job in the 11 years we've been married - he tried to find work when we first got married, didn't have luck, then decided to go to school. I blame myself some for not forcing him to look harder for a job while he was in school, but he never put a focus on it either. I have been the sole supporter for our family financially, did all of the cooking and most of the cleaning, did everything for our 2 girls, one who had developmental needs and the other who currently has be havioral needs. I also had to do a lot for my husband, who seemed incapable of doing some things on his own, like putting together a resume, managing money in our joint checking account, and such. On top of all of this, my husband developed performance issues, and we haven't had intercourse in over a year. He wants to get help for his problem, but we've never been able to afford health insurance until recently. And we really can't afford it now. A few years ago, after struggling with what I thought was regular depression, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have bipolar type II, which is not supposed to be as bad because I spend most of my time being depressed and don't experience full mania. It can be controlled with medication, but over time I stopped taking care of myself, because I was so overwhelmed with everyone else in my family. I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed, and I was inconsistent with my meds. Finally about 2 months ago I experienced the worst bipolar episode I had ever experienced in my life, which had been building for a while. I was extremely irritable, uncontrollable mood swings, and the worst is that I came pretty close to experience true mania. It took all of the strength in the world to keep from doing things I would regret - like buying a $600 computer on a whim or having an affair. I did not have an affair, but I began seeking out men because I was extremely hypersexual, ano ther symptom of mania. Fortunately, I was able to see my doctor to get a medication added to treat the mania before I did anything too drastic. I did meet a couple of men online that was short lived, I got involved in more sexually related conversations with another guy, which was bad, but I cut that off completely about two weeks ago, before anything actually happened. The problem is that one guy I met during that time has actually turned into a good friend. Nothing has happened other than us just talking on the phone. He is divorced and his wife cheated on him, so he let me know nothing would happen between us unless I actually separated from my husband. He really is a good guy. And I am trying so hard to get better, I've been taking my meds religiously and going to therapy. I NEVER want to get as bad as I have been in the past few months. A few weeks ago I told my husband I was not happy and that I just didn't know if I could take the stress of our marriage anymore, especially when too much stress can trigger my bipolar episodes. He of course was very defensive about a lot of things, like pointing out the things he does around the house (which is still a very short list) and reassuring me that he has been looking for work. I told him that he needs to go to some career counselor or employment agency to help him figure out what he is doing wrong. But he then points out to me that I have been distant from him, that he may try to kiss me and I don't kiss him back. And I realize that he is right, I have been feeling distant from him. I think the performance issues affected me more than I ever expected - when we weren't able to do anything, I just stopped caring about intimacy. I figured, what's the point, I won't get to have intimacy any time soon. When I told him I thought maybe we should separate, he was broken. He said he would take over all of the cleaning and some of the cooking. It was then that we decided to get him health insurance so he can get help for his performance issues - which he assured me was NOT my fault, but what woman wouldn't feel unattractive from this? Especially since he's just 39 years old and shouldn't have these problems. But ever since I brought this up a few weeks ago he HAS been doing so much more around the house, it's been amazing. But he has a habit of doing a lot when I have an emotional breakdown, then he slacks off once I calm down a bit. So it's hard to know if this is a permanent change or just because I brought up separating. The point of all of this is that I love my husband, more than anything in the world. He is my best friend. But I don't feel IN love with him anymore. And I feel like it has just been an accumulation of all of the years of stress that has gotten to me. We don't do anything different than I would do with any of my friends - we talk about sports, laugh at a comedy on TV, go out to lunch. I think I will always care about him. But I want to separate, and I know it should not be because of this other guy, but part of it is. But I feel guilty about how it would affect my kids, how it would affect my husband. He has no job, what would he do without me? I can't just throw him out on the street, although he does have a friend nearby who he might be able to stay with. But I feel like I will probably stay, and just be miserable. I'm also worried that if I stay I will resent my husband because I was unable to get to know this other guy better, because I really need to break off contact with him if I'm going to focus on our marriage. Sounds stupid, but I already feel that way a bit. I've been putting off breaking off our conversations because I have been crying at the thought of no longer talking to him and just focusing on my husband. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel selfish for wanting to be happy. I don't know if separating will make me happy or reduce stress though. It will probably just create different stressors. But I do wish my husband was capable of being more independent without me, because I do care about him. | |||
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filing for divorce and not sure how i feel
| My 8 years relationship (3 married) with my wife is over. at beginning of February she officially told me... Our marriage was never a dreamy one, no big wedding party, no dresses etc. just the registration and a lunch with both families. We liked and loved each other...and got along very well at each others company but it didn't work for us in the long run. we almost never argued and respected one another but there was lots of uncertainty to whether we would work as husband and wife with a baby etc...we opted to be cautious in the start, not going fast for a baby like many couples. maybe if we did have a baby we would be together or maybe it would just make the divorce worst (i think worst actually) From time to time I considered secretly in my mind divorce. imagining how my single life would be, the fun i was missing so when she broke the news to me part of me wasnt necessarily sad actually but glad i would be a free single man. now after 2 months we are filling all paperwork, we barely talk, she avoided most communication after telling me she wanted out. I played and still play proud and frankly like i said, part of me always wished the wedding to be over but now i'm suffering facing the reality of it. I think she acted cold in the end. she had that in her mind for sometime and she hid this from me until very last minute she was absolutely sure or made a decision. this is my only complain, even when having doubts in my head, i chose to stick and fight for the relationship. she just coldly decided on her side and told me and pretty much shut communication. I never cheated her, she never cheated too. i treated her kindly and affectionately. even now on divorce we are not at war with each other or angry...but part of me is sad and sometimes I wish she was by my side...that makes me sad but it goes away, not major drama. I think what pisses me more is this disruption in my life, a life i got used to play the role of husband. the tranquility it gave me being a hubbie is a kind of a nice feeling. I guess now focusing on my work, i will get my dating life back on track soon and i will totally forget her. i hope. i just dont want drama in my life. part of me wonder if we will come back, ever, weird how when i was married i wanted divorce and now that im divorced im not so sure anymore i wanted to end my marriage...i guess time will tell...scary feeling now. endless possibilities are always exciting but frightening too. things might get better or worse...i may never find a nice woman that likes me again or i may find someone "better". I just care for her, i hope she is okay now , alone and going trough this. I bet she is doing okay. I am doing okay i guess... i miss her presence i guess...the good things...and even some bad things too *lol* life is not easy, it plays tricks sometimes. we move on. we must. life moves on. | |||
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My Long Story
| My name is Matt. I am somewhere in the process of separation or reconciliation, hard to know. I guess some kind of limbo. My wife is my best friend and has been for the last ten years. We have been married for 3. I am 30, she is 27. One house, one awesome dog, no kids. My wife is beautiful, caring, sensitive, talented, funny, smart and a wonderful, loving person. She is a real woman, with curved hips and a flat stomach and I am extremely attracted to her. Not that I have always been good at telling her that. I will NEVER find anyone like her, she is extraordinary and knows me so well. My wife means the world to me, but we have grown apart slowly over the last year, most likely since we got married. It breaks my heart to think back and see the downward slope, and to know that at certain times I probably had a good chance to address the hurt we have been causing each other. But hey, hindsight is a B*(& huh. We got together through music, both in bands that toured extensively. Friends of friends etc, and then she dated my flatmate/friend. She is such a fun person to be with, and we clicked instantly. My wife 'chased' me for a while, but I was initially not interested in a relationship with her, as I had other options I was looking into. We eventually started dating, long distance, and it was both wonderful and hard. During this time my wife was medicated for her depression, seemed to be centred around her father leaving when she was 14. She has hurts still there, but has addressed it over the years. I can't emphasise enough how sensitive and large her heart is -and my eyes are filling now when I think how insensitive I have been to her in the past. I have always been very sensitive since I was a child- my mother reminds me of this. I have grown from a sensitive boy who was picked on to an extroverted front man (band) and MC on stage. But when I get off the stage, or have no use for being 'loud' I'm the guy who is quiet and finds the person noone is talking to and sits there-I can relate to them. What I'm trying to say is that although most people observe me as fun, outgoing etc (and I certainly am), I'm also quiet and sensitive. Something which I have fought against most of my life. I had always seen it as a weakness, and over the years have developed an analytical mind to process emotions instead of letting myself feel them. Of course I feel joy, happiness, fear etc, but when sadness comes into town, I think it and often wont cry etc. The first big hurt that I imposed on my beautiful wife was that of having the start of an EA with one of my past band members (the worst of it was: meeting up for drinks once and dancing together that night, nothing sexual or anything more; a few emails later saying I missed her, and she sent me some NOT RUDE photos via email). That was about 8 years ago. Both my wife and I had been touring (in our seperate bands) for the whole year, and I had not seen my then-depressed girlfriend very often. As you can imagine, life on the road is busy and hectic, and I was often not in the mood for the teary phonecalls that would come my way. Sometimes I would not answer the phone, as I just couldnt or didnt want to cope with it. We have lately been addressing this issue in counselling, for the thought of this other girl still makes my wife jealous and feel insecure. I have nothing to do with this other girl. The second big hurt has lasted a while over our marriage. I had previously been in a relationship with a girl and she had an abortion and it was terrible. Terrible time for both of us, and for me as a 19 year old, I just got the heck out of there (we were not dating at the time of the pregnancy). Coming out of this (before I met my wife) I moved town and got a new bunch of good guy mates. Real good friends, who we still are close with. Anyways, all the guys and I agreed that PDA (Public Displays of Affection) are terrible. So we vowed to not be 'all over' our girlfriends in the future. I guess you can see where this is going in my marriage......especially when my wife is so sensitive and caring. So there it was, no kissing in public, no major hugs, hand holding fine. But then when it got to going to parties, we would turn up, see people we knew, and go hang out separately- getting back together when it was time to go home. This hurt my wife, and I have only had it revealed to me in the last few months. Yes, I am an idiot! A year later we had a big fight when my wife told a fellow theatre cast member that she thought she was in love with him. That hurt me pretty bad. And to be honest, I havn't thought about it for a while. I guess I find it easier to forgive and forget. Maybe we broke up for a few days, I cant really remember. This was when she still was going through her depression. Yes I can see that all my anti-PDA etc ties into this, but I also accept all the things that I wasn't giving her to make her feel like this. The third big hurt came when my band was given the opportunity to tour overseas. This was an 'open-ended' tour, with no specific end date. It was 'a great chance' to play our music to the world. But my lovely girlfriend did not want me to go. So what did I do? I went. I rationalised it by saying I needed to do this, and I also wasn't completely sure about our relationship. We have at times broken up for a period of a week before. Before I left, we agreed to stay together, with the idea I would be coming back after maybe 6 months. I was told later that I didn't make any real effort to contact my lady during the first month of my trip. Not surprisingly, she broke up with me. I spent the next few months pining after her, and 'winning her back' eventually. During this period however, she spend a lot of 1-1 time with my old flatmate/friend and she did hook up with a random guy in town. Yep, the thought hurts, but hey- I was the one who left for another country. I eventually returned and proposed a year later. So we got married. On my wedding day at the altar I choked and cried reading out my vows. This is me who never cries. At that moment I knew that this was the best decision I had made in my life, and she really was the girl I would never let go of. But obviously things change, and life gets in the way. We then moved into a 3 bedroom rented house, and as we couldn't really afford it on our own (and we loved it!) we got a friend to move in with us. Over a 2 year period, sometimes we had 2 others living with us, as friends needed a place to stay. This has been a huge mistake. I can see that now. We were never able to fight properly, and my wife has told me that there were times she would just bottle up the hurt, and never bring up the subject again. There were times that I wanted to keep fighting, so I did- arguing in front of our friends who lived with us. Nothing raging, or hurtful, but thats the not point- I was hurting her by continuing to argue. I now also know (through counselling) that my wife withdraws, thats her strategy. I studied 3 degrees including postgraduate. I then started med school. I never talked to my wife properly about this path, and she later told me that she never wanted to be married to a doctor. I had a friend who pulled out, and then I started thinking heavily about it, and also dropped out. I felt pretty down about everything, but I knew that I had to honour my wifes wishes- she wanted to live a LIFE with me, not me live my job! So I saw it for what it was. It took me a while to find my feet again, and now I have a job I enjoy, in a similar field to my wifes. Then about 11 months ago, I asked my wife if she was having an affair with her workmate. Whenever he came over with her other workmates, she would flirt with him, sit close to him, I just felt really uncomfortable about it. Plus I played basketball with him, and sometimes went to the gym with him- we were 'friends'. My wife denied it and said there was nothing to worry about. One time her workmates came around, I talked to her about it in the other room, she denied it. She went to town with them, and when she came home, I had her sleeping bag in the hall with a note on it saying that she would be taking the couch that night. I heard her come home, take the sleeping bag and go to the lounge. All I wanted was for her to come to bed and hold me, tell me that everything was ok, that she loved me. But I never made the move and neither did she. Sigh.... A few months later her workmate (my 'friend') left for another country. I was working late that night, but decided I would go to the leaving party after work. I rang her phone, no answer. I turned up to the party, she was not there, and neither was he. A mutual friend who was very drunk told me that my wife had left with him, and he did not know where they went. I asked how long they would be and was told "who knows how long these things take- how long do you take?" and then another joke about how he had left with my wife. I was not in the joking frame of mind. Another friend came over, and it was obvious he was high as a kite. He gave me a hug and said "im so sorry man, im so sorry". I was thinking the worst. I tried ringing both his and her phone, but no one answered. I drove home crying, my stomach in knots. She was dropped off later by a car, and came to bed. She kissed me and told me she loved me. I said that I turned up but she wasn't there. She said that her workmate had walked her and another friend to their car in town, and that was that. I left it at that, but in my heart I knew they had a physical affair. I never said anything more, because I was scared about what the answer might be. I didn't want to lose my wife, whom I love with my whole heart. Since then there have been times in our marriage when I have not held my wife when she was crying in bed. There have been times when I have raised my voice and said things I did not mean. I can see that its just me reacting from my own hurts, but I know that these things are also unacceptable. I have never verbally, emotionally or physically abused my wife. I never call her names or say that she's stupid etc. There are 2 more major 'hurts' from my side. One is that my wife cannot physically have sexual intercourse. This is not a big deal for her, but it is for me. We do everything else, and are both great lovers. However, I yearn to HAVE my wife as my wife. She has now just recently solved this problem (was a physical-medical problem) but I have been hurt that it has taken her 5 years to get help for it, from when we discovered the problem. Its ok now, I understand that its embarrassing for her. But I still cant wait to make love to my wife. The second major hurt from my side is that in the past she withdraws from me. She will go home to visit family for a weekend, or go have a girls weekend with her friends. We have both admitted that we havnt given each other the time and effort the other deserves. Just before Christmas my wife yet again left to see her family- this time for a longer period of 5 days. While there in her hometown she went out with her friends as she usually does. I texted her saying that I felt she put all her friends and other people before me, and that its hurting me. (I now know that when she received the text she thought "I've been saying this exact same thing to him for months!!!) Then when she came back up, it was not time to see me, but to go to another catch up with friends that I was invited to. I left early, hurt that my wife didn't want to come back home with me and spend time. We had a big talk and fight that night, where she told me that she hadn't been happy for months. Everything came out. I told her I thought she had an affair with her workmate, she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me etc etc. Turns out the affair never happened. Since then my wife has gone through a period of anger, and we had some time apart- I had Christmas day and the week before it on my own (due to me working and she went to be with her family); we had a tense New Years together with friends. We have been going to counselling, and my wife has stopped being angry, and is now in a state of numbness and deep sadness. She has been in this space for about 5 weeks now. I told her in a text the other day that we are going to be fine, that its tough now but our marriage is on the way up- with happiness and joy at the end of it. She replied "That is very hard to trust. I wish I had your hope, trust and energy. But I have nothing". My beautiful, fun loving wife is so sad around me. Counselling is so hard now, and she does not trust the counsellor, who is a male. The moment we talked about Mens and Womens needs and he said that men have a real need for sex, like women do for affection she glazed over. He did say that "denying sex for a man is like denying a woman affection". Her friends later told me she doesn't respect him now. She told me that she wants to stop because the other day he had an agenda when we came: "he wants us to stay together". Last week my wife decided that she needed to get out of the house, because she has been so down and just 'moping' about. She went out to town with some of her good girl mates, whom I love and trust. They just had a late meal and drank wine, then went for a quick dance and came home. I waited up for her and at 2am as she climbed into bed we had a quick talk about her night. I have been trying very hard over these last 3 months with affection and words of love and romantic gestures, and I thought "hmmmmmmm maybe tonight after a girls night out I might get some loving".....how wrong I was! She held my hand, and I turned over and reached for her. I thought I would at least get a hug. She instantly pretended to be asleep. I reached for her and touched her behind. I stroked her, but she continued to 'sleep'. I sighed, lay back and thought. Then I went and slept in the spare room. The next morning I talked with her and reminded her of the things we are supposed to be doing as our counselling homework: kind words and hugs. She told me she cant at the moment. I asked her to just try, she said she couldn't. I brought up an option she had talked about in counselling (which I was opposed to) of her moving to her friends place for some space. I asked if this is what she needed, or could she start giving me hugs and kind words- things I needed too! She moved out and asked for no contact. The following 5 days were very hard. We met up for an agreed counselling session, where the "agenda" by the counsellor was brought forward. Later she came back to our place, as we had not talked about her moving out or in or what! She said she felt she needed more time away. I told her I didn't think I could do more time apart like this, I needed at least a time frame or something. I told her that I missed her terribly, and she said she missed our house, our dog and me as a friend- she asked me if that is enough. I said I didn't know, but I'd take it. She said she would move back in, but asked for seperate rooms- so she could be home, but still have her space and time to think. That was 5 days ago, it is Easter and I am by myself, seeing some friends every now and then. My wife is with her family (whom I love and miss), keeping busy. Before she left she promised to read a book ("Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix) and write some things down over this time. Most of my friends are out of town, and I have all these days with no work, as we had previously organised time away and I took time off. In 3 days my wife is supposed to move back home after 11 days of being apart. I am missing her very much. I have written 4 songs for her, but am scared to tell her or show her (scared of pressuring her or pushing her away). I love my wife so much, and am committed to trying to get her back. She says she needs to do counselling on her own, so she can build herself up again and get strong. I am supportive of anything she needs. I just want things back on track. My wife feels that things have been hard in our relationship all along. I can see this, eg. We started of long distance- that was hard, and have had things happen ever since. I am an optimist, and I tend to focus on all the good times, and I try forget the hard times. Because she is so loving and sensitive, I think she tends to hold onto the hurts, and they build up and suffocate her. I know I have not met her emotional needs in the past, but I know that I can and will. I also know that I had such hurt over the jealousies of the 'affair'. I also know that I have a fear of abandonment that comes out in ways I have not been able to control in the past. I am scared, I am hopeful, I am sad, but I know without a doubt that she is the one I want to be with. | |||
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My Ex Wants to Hang Out
| So I've decided to move to Florida, and my flight is scheduled for the 9th. All of a sudden TONS of people from my past are coming out of the woodwork with love confessions, roses and jewelry. My most recent ex heard I was leaving and started texting and asking if he can see me one last time before I leave, just to say goodbye in person cause he thinks about me all the time and misses me. The weird thing is that I blocked him on Facebook and Instagram and we have no mutual friends. I have no clue how he knows any of my business. I still have feelings for him, and I'm confused about a lot of things and a lot of people. I agreed to meet him on Friday, but do you think this is a good idea? | |||
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feeling more like a "play thing" than a girlfriend.
| I started dating my boyfriend in December; he's 21 and I'm 18. We clicked and we still do - but in the beginning, he was a lot more romantic and seemed much more interested. I've shared all of my "firsts" with him since and when we're together, we always have a great time. The issues started coming up a couple weeks ago, when we got into a routine where he'd put on a movie and we'd mess around which is great except it was EVERY time and I started feeling like I was being used. I brought this up to him and he was very patient and willing to try to understand, agreed and said he'd try to mix it up a little (of course, I said I'd try to think of ideas too) and definitely did not mean to make me feel that way. We mixed it up last time, went for a short date to the park in the evening; but that was it. We've slumped right back in to our norm. The sex is fantastic and he's very good at making me feel valued in bed, but I feel like that's the only place I fit into in his life right now and I want to be more than that. I'm not the kind of girlfriend that asks for much, in fact, I'm distant to a fault if anything. Do you think this is part of the problem? He's met my mom once for about three minutes while I finished getting ready, and none of my other family or friends, which is my own doing. I will go 2-3 days without texting him or contacting him at all - he mentioned it once so I've tried being better at it, but I still skip a day here and there. I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing myself into his life because he's the kind of person that needs his space and freedom (like myself) but on the other hand, I often feel like I'm pushing him away. Is this sending some message to him that I just want to be a friend with benefits of sorts? Because that's kind of how I'm feeling and was not what I was going for. Last night, he said something that has been driving me crazy all night and day - I wear my jeans pretty tight and when we were talking about me coming over he said, "You better not show up with those painted-on jeans again. Otherwise they might literally get torn off. But just don't. Because they're not very sexy, haha!" I'm sure he just wasn't thinking before he spoke or, rather... typed. And I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but it really flipping hurt! I'm worried he's saying that I'm not very sexy when I wear them and I only have a couple jeans to choose from XD and they basically all fit that way. It just adds to the problems that I think we already have. He has also mentioned that I'm not very aggressive in bed - I don't think I could ever be considered one of those "logs" but he's right in that I'm also not one to push him around and initiate new positions and stuff. I just feel very insecure that I won't be able to meet his expectations and though I know it's not that likely, could be the reasons why he's not giving me the attention and affection that I want. This is my first relationship. I never dated in high school, so it's all very new to me. I would really appreciate some honest answers and guidance, folks :) Thank you! | |||
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Please Help 21 year Marriage going down the drain
| Please help me I am spinning out of control. We have been married for 21 years seperated for 3 years with 3 children. I went to her wanting to reconcile she advised me she needed space and it had taken her a long time to get where she was at and didnt want to go backwards. We have had this on again off again thing for 3 years. She advises me she has been talking to someone on the phone he has not been married and never will be marriedas soon as she told me this I knew who it was. I decided to do some checking so one night I went to her house and seen her and him making out on couch then move to bedroom where it started Unfortunately I couldnt stop watching i couldnt believe my eyes my wife obviously enjoying herself with another man who I know.. It took everything I had to not do something stupid but I didnt.. I am a combat veteran and this imagery is haunting me just like the war.. I don't know what to do I want to tell her I know but not sure if I should just wait and see what happens. We have not lived together for 2 years and I am spinning out of control with emotions and some bad thoughts If anyone could give me some advice on how i should proceed I would greatly appreciate it. I love my 3 children and do not want to hurt them Thanks Bhunter | |||
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Do girls tell their friends everything they do with their boyfriend?
| Hey TSR people, I'm slightly worried about my girlfriend telling her sister and her best friend about what we do and talk about when we're together. I somewhat feel that this is a breach of privacy/intimacy. What do you guys think about it? My guy friends never give their friends details about what they do with their girlfriend, usually they are quite evasive. | |||
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Help me in this situation please..
| Okay i'll try make this short and to the point, Basically about mid last year i stopped speaking to some girl who played me and ever since then i just never cared anymore and cut contact with her as she treated me bad. So at the time my 18th bday was approaching and i got an apple product (new generation ipod) anyway there was an app i used to play on (some drawin game) with friends and one day i met someone who i just constantly played with..we then started talking on chat and i found out it was an american girl so i asked her to add me on fb and we've been talking ever since. She's almost 17 and in high school i'll be 19 this year and i know this sounds stupid but we both started falling for each other especially after knowing each other for at least 10 months or more. She knows ill be going to university this september and she wanted to meet me in person so we could date however she said i would wait till she finish's her high school(in 2 years kinda equivalent of a-levels here) which i perfectly understood as i wouldn' t want someone to stop their education just because they met somebody in their life. Anyway with my university i have the chance to transfer abroad to many universities in america either for a year or 6 months but is it wise to do this? She's definitely a special girl and i would want to date her at some point as we have so much in common she makes me really happy. I know so much about her and she knows so much about me we've had a few fights over some things but it always makes the love stronger for some reason and i cant really explain how it feels but she's amazing :$ Should i take the chance and transfer to a uni there (just for the year) after 2 years of university here so i could be with the girl of my dreams? Or do you think this is a stupid idea? :o | |||
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Girlfriend expects oral every night because of my lack of size downstairs.
| I'm unfortunate to be significantly below average in terms of penis size (it's 3.8 inches long and 3.5 inches in girth) and I'm consequently unable to satisfy my girlfriend's needs with penetration alone. She has been very understanding about it and says it's not a problem since I can satisfy her in other ways. However, she has quite a high sex drive and has come to expect oral sex every single night, and to be honest it's become a bit of a chore. She takes about 20 minutes to orgasm this way on most occasions and by the end my tongue really aches. I want to ask her whether we could try other things instead, like maybe toys or fingers or whatever but I'm scared that if she thinks I'm being selfish 'in bed' as well as being inadequate size wise, that it will cause a problem and she might consider ending our relationship. So what do you think I should do? | |||
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Am i being ripped off here and is this illegal?
| anon or delete plz My friend is offering to sell me some assignments for £240. He got them from a Postgrad student and used them to help with his assignment and he got 1st class marks in them. Another time back in first year, another postgrad student would do assignments for some Chinese students who would then copy up the assignments and pass off the work as their own. Isn't this illegal and is it worth it to get 1st class marks? | |||
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The dangers of FWB
| I've been single all my life and as a 19 year old fresher I don't really want a boyfriend. I'm enjoying the single life a hell of a lot and occasionally I hook up. The guys I hook up with I already know pretty well, we don't share feelings for one another and it's all just a bit of fun but I'm starting to not want to hook up with multiple people now. I keep thinking about maybe finding a FWB/Buddy. I've been talking to a guy in my area who wants the same thing. Is this a risky move ? Has anyone experienced any problems with this kind of deal ? Without sounding emotionally unattached, I don't tend to form feelings for guys easily (sex or no sex) unless their was something about them. I don't think I'd fall into the trap of falling for them. | |||
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