Wife: Unmotivated, Lazy, No Job, No Sex Marriage.

After facing a dose of reality tonight, I sought out help to the feelings I am having. I have been taught to "suck it up" and get by and not be unsatisfied or upset but I can't continue that way any longer it's ripping my insides apart. I need help. I have been married for 20 years (42 yrs. old), and I have a daughter 18 and a son 16. My wife is a little over 4 years older than I. My wife has no job. In 1996, we agreed that her being home was the best thing to raise good kids. My son was born in 1997, and we then agreed that when both kids were in school, she would need to get a job. That was a very long time ago. I don't even know where to begin. I've been with the same company for 17 years, and I make decent money. We lost our home, car, 401k + Bankruptcy in the housing crash of 2007. While working full-time, I went back to school in 2005 and graduated with a Bachelor's degree in 2010. I'm motivated, I work hard and I have never demanded much of her. My daughter is like me, a go-getter. She just received a huge scholarship for a private college and she has always been motivate too. My wife and son, not so much. They both have this weird schedule and sleep in until 11am-1pm, and go to bed at 3 or 4am. My son dropped out of school and has been on online school for the last 2 years. He is a genius... he is so creative and amazing, but he lacks any motivation to do anything more than what is necessary. He is now a grade behind. My wife has gained close to 175 pounds since she stopped working, and takes several pills every day for high-blood pressure and a rapid heart beat that no doctor can diagnose after years of tests. I hold a position in a church as a musician, and she does sing on occasion. We are constantly late for practices, recitals, movies, church services, and like tonight, she was 10 minutes late for our daughter's financial aid meeting at the college. She typical leaves people hanging, and has no care in the world for any of it! Even when my family called my wife lazy, I defended her. Even through the financial problems we have now, trying to keep afloat, my wife refuses to get a job, look for a job, or take a job handed to her! She keeps the house in fair condition, but many days I have to look for work clothes, do dishes, and handle EVERY little issue that arises. There is no task that she can do alone except pay the bills. I grocery shop, most of the time she refuses, and I feel like I am her parent. She now weighs over 300 pounds (5'5") and attributes the weight gain to her medical condition. Every diet, exercise program or attempt at weight loss (which has been maybe 3 in 10 years), lasts at longest a month. She doesn't binge eat, she doesn't have candy stashes in the house or any of that, but her diet is not good. I have always worked out and been in shape like my daughter. My son is overweight (5'10" 240) and shares the same lazy attitude and shares the same no motivation attitude. Sex stopped at least 10 years ago. I mean, maybe once every 3 or 4 months and that's because she says that "you're being grouchy." I have never demanded sex, and when I was getting it I was happy with once or twice a week. She wants to hold hands which I do, and I hug her and kiss her, but that's fading from my desire. I literally try to steer clear of intimate situations. I love her, but I am repulsed. That makes me feel disgusting inside because this is the mother of my children and my friend. I have began a horrible pattern of masturbation and I have on rare occasion (1 or 2 times every 3-6 months) supplemented that with pornography which disgusts me even more. I hate porn but it helps relieve stress of a sex-free marriage. The last several days were bad. I think porn is wrong, but I had 5 orgasms over the last 3 days watching it just to deal with the stress of having her family with us for 2 weeks. I can't say my wife is lazy overall, but she is lazy in many ways. She works when necessary, but refuses to be a grown-up. I feel responsible for every aspect of her personal happiness. She lays demands on me when I feel I have done everything I can do already. I hate my job. I feel under appreciated there, I work really hard and I come home and feel no appreciation here either. I get paid on every other Friday and by Monday, we have $75 to last for two weeks. I question why I work. I feel down that I can't afford food much less a hobby, travel, vacation, or any stress relief. I hear people making weekend plans and I think, "I don't even have money to eat this weekend." Over the last 5 years, I was working overtime here and there and saving money to take her to visit her family 900 miles away, three times a year! Now my daughter's college wants $240 a month for our share and I look at my daughter and I can't deny her. She's worked so hard for this school her whole life. The whole time I'm thinking... HOW!?!?! No more out of town trips... how will that go over? Let's not even talk about the draining of 401k in withdrawls because "we can't make the bills." But she won't help me out!!!! When I told her I had a job lined up at WalMart for her, and she could walk into the position, she says that's beneath her. I want to work at the church (no job exists, or will exist), I want to work at PG&E (which is impossible to get into). Nothing is good enough. Then I get told we are broke!!! Like I am not doing enough already!!! She holds nag sessions where she tells me how every aspect of our lives are in shambles and the whole time I am feeling sub-par to provide or solve these problems!! If I wasn't worried about my kids, I think I would just walk away. I can't live so frustrated anymore. When I tell her things, it goes "in one ear and out the other." Just like her dad... it's all about them and what they can get out of you. I want a divorce but I fear everything around me... my kids, my reputation at church, the people I know who constantly say, "you guys have the perfect marriage... you're our role-models!" and paying 75% of my earnings in alimony!!! Stop me from going through with it. What a kick in the butt... pay your wife of 20 years who hasn't worked, got to lounge around the house, big bucks for the rest of her life. Effen fantastic. Boy I am a sucker. I am so frustrated and I really need help. Tonight hit me like a ton of bricks. The financial aid people told us that if our income exceeded $83,000 that our daughter would lose a $9500/year grant. My wife turned to me (smiled) and kinda happily said something to the effect she was happy she didn't have a job (to bump over us to $83,000) and she can't get one. And so there I felt it again, I must carry the burden of everything on my shoulders while she can go to bed at 4am and wake at 12pm... I feel effen worn out.

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