Need support, words of wisdom.

Background: Married for 20 years. She 46 Me 55 No kids at home My pretty little wife walked away from our marriage in December of last year her affair started in November. She left in an affair fog with a male wh0re who has broken up many marriages in our community. I filed for a divorce, exposed her affair to family and friends and started looking for help which included IC and then I found TAM in March. I started the 180 and went dark. Next week we meet with our lawyers for mediation and I have been an emotional mess. She and her lawyer have filed ever motion under the sun trying to make me look like the bad guy in this divorce. She has lived with this POSOM on and off since she left me in December. I know for a fact he has been seeing other women on the side since moving in with her. He has recently been going out of town on the weekend and living with her through the week. Last week she called me early in the morning I have not been talking to her but the early morning call was a surprise. I did not have my glasses on and I did not believe she would call at that time in the morning. Long and short of the story I ended up talking to her. She was upset and crying saying she missed me and had wanted to hear my voice. This was the first sign of remorse she has shown since leaving. What a crock of $hit, I am aware of what is going on and I will not be a plan B. Why does this divorce have to be so complicated? She is the one who left and she is the one who is trying to rewrite our martial history with verbal and mental abuse. I want a D from her, I want to get over the embarrassment, the pain, and the suffering she has caused me. I don't know how to just stop loving someone after twenty years of marriage. I feel like all my dreams and goals for life are gone. It is like everything I had hoped for in life has been taken from me. At 55 years old how does one simply just start over ? The hurt has been almost unbearable had in not been for a few good friends and the support I received from my church I would have not been able to make it this far. Thanks to the 180 I have been able to help myself detach from her and move on to some degree. However, after I met with my lawyer this week I have gone to pieces. The D is almost here, I do not think the mediation will result in anything except the realization that we will end up in court and a judge will decide how to split things 50/50. I have been reading gut-punch's journal and some of the other entries on TAM and I know I have been very fortunate to have found this site. The information and advise has been life saving for me. I know this has been a bad week for me. Is this just a pity party or I am afraid of losing most of what I have. My life is such a mess right now I don't see how there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have not felt this way since she left in December, why am I this upset? I know in my heart I need to D and let myself move on. I cannot live with a cheater who does not love anyone except herself. Please any encouragement or advise would be helpful at this point I am struggling. Thanks

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