I left the love of my life

Good evening all, My name is Dane and I'm a 19 year old man living in the UK and I have done something I think I regret. I am gay, and this is not a crutial part of the story but the effects it had are so I guess it's relevent. When I was at school I was not openly gay and so I never got involved with any other men, I kept to myself and hid the secret as so many young men do in that situation. A little bit about myself might help you guys understand what I'm like: I wouldn't like to say I am the typical 19 year old gay man because I am not. I hate the "scene" and I really dislike the though process of most of the gays I have ever encountered. It seems that everyone is out to sleep around and be a little mysterious and strange, but I'm not like that. As soon as I left school I was straight into my apprentiship in I.T, then I was given a permenant job with them as their I.T coordinator. After this I struggled to find a job for a few months but I'm now in a very good job and doing what I always dreamed of, and thats exceling in my career. All throughout my life I imagined myself with a man that shared my passion for success and was a real gentleman, like they used to make them here. Proud, loving, caring and loved me like I was the only thing good in the world. So, at this point I am 18 and I have signed up for online dating and it's not going so well. It seems most of the people I speak to are really seedy and only interested in sex, they had no passion. They were all so young like me, but this means they didn't care. Whilst I was fretting over spreadsheets with my monthy budgets and trying to launch my own online computer repair service they were laying back and enjoying the ride. Wasting all their money on booze and not giving two hoots about the future. This is not a bad way to be, please don't think me a total idiot who thinks his way is the only right way because I try my bery best to always be open and polite to everyone I meet, but this was not what I was looking for. So one night, I am a little happy on the red wine after dinner and I have another browse through the pages to see if there is anyone new and I discover this man. He has the most beautiful face and clear blue eyes. He's 27, hes a finacial planner and he seemed too good to be true; so I messaged him. I never had replies online so I wasn't expecting much but you guessed it! I was contacted almost immidiately with a lovely reply. We started talking, and he had me. He seemed so gentlemanly and caring so we arranged to meet after a week or so of talking. He wouldn't let me walk from work as I didn't drive at the time, he insited he pick me up. So on the day, I left work with my heart pounding, looking for his car. Now remeber that I hadn't so much as spoken to a gay man at this point. I was brand spanking new to everything. I saw it, a beautiful, black BMW waiting in the street for me. This guy was the success driven soul mate I had been lookng for I thought. So I opened the door and got in. Then he spoke! He was a total gent! A member of the queens attention to language comittee for over 6 years, he was the perfect british gent! We drove to a nearby pub, and remeber this is in Blackpool so it was nothing classy. But it didn't matter, he wouldn't let me near a door without opening it, he pulled out my chair and took my coat from me! I was dreaming.. So that was that and we fell in love! 3 weeks and we declared ourslefs a couple, 4 months and we bought a delapidated house, renivated it and moved in. It was crazy guys, I was 18 and already found the man I love and was getting so so far at such a small age. This was it. We were there for 2-3 months and during the last month or so I started to think that I might have missed something, being only 19 and only ever having one partner. I couldn't get it out of my head! This nagging that I need to go and be a typical 19 year old or im going to miss out forever! It got bad and I began to push myself away from this man that I am still harshly in love with, then I had to leave the house when I decided I had to go and be this 19 year old. And it tore me up inside to do this, I don't know how I even did because to be there whislt the love of your life breaks down because you're leaving him and to still love him the same is the most painful thing I have ever done. To the present day, we are still very good friends and I spend alot of time with our mutual friends and he is there. We are still the best of friends. But I can't get him out of my head, everything I do involves him somehow and I can't even imagine another relationship with someone else and the though of him with someone else makes my heart stop every time! I don't know what to do. Am I being silly thinking that I can't settle yet because I haven't explored myself? This is a real grass is greener on the other side thing, but I don't think it will be greener. What should I do guys? Have any of you ever been faced with this because I am struggling and I can't think straight. Even now after a month.. I can't shake him from memory and I think he would have me back. Thank you for your help in advanced. I'm just an inexperienced young man looking for help :( Dane.

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