kept it hidden

I first met her when i was 15 years old. Everything was great. Of course we had our issues but for the most part all was well. We had a great group of friends. Because we were young and stupid, we would often drink and stay up. I had no job no money nothing and so I said to myself, i need to do something because how am i supposed to take care of her if something happened to her mom. At this point we were together for some time then we had our first child. so young and had zero experience being parents. it was hard but the both of us still liked to have fun. i was 19 at the time. few years later, my friend who got sick and tired of seeing me drink almost everyday with my best friend, got me a job. i'm still working there till this very day. but don't let me fast forward just yet. my son now going but the both of us needed to grow for him, didn't. we loved to party. even though i now had a job, i figured i would just party on the weekends. my girlfriend at the time, wife now would have her group of friends and i would have my best friend. Who by the way lived across the street. how would i describe him. i loved him. he was my brother. i defended him. i stepped in front of a gun to prevent him from getting shot in the face. there isn't anything i wouldn't have done for this man. this is a common story i know but keep in mind that this all happened, in my twenties. Anyway, as mentioned she had her group and i had mine. Sadly i became a taxi driver and would often take her friends home. it would take anywhere from 30minutes to an hour. one night after dropping her friends off. i went home and my then girlfriend was under the covers but wasn't dressed. i didn't think anything of it. she was sleeping. We were intimate and then fell asleep. things in our lives i felt were going good but our weekend ways didn't stop. our son, would often stay with his grandma while we did our thing. later on that night, i take her friends home and of course when i return, she isn't dressed again. i again didn't think anything of it. then i start hearing rumors. i didn't want to believe that my best friend would do this to me. i brushed it off. but because it was mentioned, the thought was planted in my mind. i then started to notice that when i arrived home from work, she wasn't home. At that time none of us had a cellphone we had pagers. i would notice that when she arrived home, a few minutes later he would walk up the block to go too his home. this happened several times. i then confronted her about it. she of course said no she wouldn't that. its just in my mind. i should have listened to my inner voice but i choose to trust her. Well, i ended up getting on my knee and asking her to marry me. by this time i was maybe mid twenties. i was becoming more responsible. the parties didn't happen as often. things were changing for the better. she said yes. We got married and my bother was my best man. on our block every year we have block parties were they shut down the entire block and all leave their houses just to have fun outside. by this time we were married for a few months, then block party day. not really an alcohol event, just like one huge pot luck. my wife and i were there. he was there. her friend was there and my best friends brother started to hit on my wife's friend. i thought that was odd since he's kinda young compared to her but ok. then my wife her friend and him said they were going to the store. so they left. A few minutes later, my best friend said hey i'm going to take off. i'm going to meet jerry. one of our other friends. so he leaves. so i'm there by myself meaning no friends around me other than those who came out their houses for the pot luck i hop on my bike and i start to look for my wife. She was no where to be found. it's now night and she's still not back from the so called store. i was still out on my bike. While i was coming down hill to head home. i noticed our car so i stopped a little up the hill. i sat there and waited. i couldn't see anything since the windows were tinted and from where i was i couldn't see the front and besides i didn't want her to see me. After about 10 or so minutes. he hops out of car and starts to head in the direction of his home i'm pissed. i'm sad. so many emotions going through my head. then i see her start to drive. i'm still at a distance but i can still see her. She parks, opens the door, and heads upstairs. i'm still outside. i couldn't believe it. i went to the store. purchased alcohol and went to the park. i drank way to much, the police came and took me to jail to sober me up. at 6am the police wake me up and tell me it's time to go. my head is pounding but in truth, i was kinda glad i ended up there since i didn't want to do anything stupid i went home and she was not dressed again. i confronted her and she tried to say she saw him, he entered the car and they were just talking. she said sorry i didn't mean to make you upset. then i thought, well maybe it's possible. it's just me maybe a few weeks later she wasn't home again. i called his house his mom said oh he's not here he went shopping for me. i didn't believe it. i drove around and happen to find then at a park that we don't normally go to. something told me to go there. by this time, i'm pissed. they weren't doing anything when i got there but she was close enough to him. i told her to hop in the car, then he tried to talk to me right there i pushed him away and said not now....i need to clear my head... She jumped in the car and went home. We didn't go upstairs we were parked in front of the house. i was crying and begging her to tell me the truth. After about an hour of talking he is walking up the block. he comes to the car. i roll down my window and then he tells her, just tell him. she starts to cry they both hit me with it and i felt stupid for believing her the entire time that it was all in my head. both of them confessed. this relationship was going on behind my back for three years. maybe a little over. so i asked her to choose...i don't know why i even put that out there. i loved this woman and felt like i couldn't be without her. i was in the car, she was sitting passenger and he was outside of my window. she said, i choose him. my head was spinning. i always said that the woman i marry would be it. i still felt that way. i started to car, he put his hand toward the key to turn off the car. i started to drive with him kinda in the window. i stopped and told him to get off or he's going to get hurt. i was crying badly but i look at the time and noticed we had to pickup our son. i'm trying my best not to let anything out but the pain was to intense. i jumped out of the car, feel to my knees and screamed as loud as i could. Everyone there in the street instantly turned toward me. she told me to jump in the car. i did and said said sorry. i'm so sorry. i love you. i choose you..... it was hard to repair what was damaged. i lost my trust and lost my best friend. it was hard going to work since he lived right across the street. but i noticed that when i returned from work, she was there. i would call home during work, she would answer. but i would get pissed and hurt the moment i looked out the window because i noticed that he would always look out in our direction. We ended up moving. We bought our first home. i figured i would let everything go. people make mistakes. A few years go by and some how i'm guessing though another friend. he got our phone number and tried to call her.She told me right away. i got home and he called and then said, hey can we talk. i said i have nothing to discuss with you. he said please....so i called my bother to come with me my bother is a cop and i knew that he purchased a gun. so we met across the street from a police station. he tried to hug me, i said no. you hurt me man. how could you. he said i'm sorry please forgive me, lets work this out just you and i. i told him, i forgive you man but as far as us being like brothers that's over.please take care of yourself. i walked away. i went home my wife asked me how did it go. i told her that i forgave him and moved on. She then said, he called and told me that he loved me and wanted me back. i was like, didn't you just try and hug me and repair our friendship but yet you call my wife and tell her these things. That was the last i heard of him. the only time i was in pain was the very beginning. i kinda let things go. since then, we added more children to our family but since that happened to me, i could not get close to anyone. nor do i have any real male friends nor do i go out with anyone. i figured i can't get hurt if i'm not around anyone. let's now skip to today and why i registered on this site. she isn't cheating on me. i know that. she loves me very much and she tells me all the time. She is a wonderful mother and is very responsible and active with the children. i let things go based on our youth and lack of experience. We are very happy. but, this happened. We sold our house and are in the process of purchasing another larger house for our large family. my wife was talking to the real estate agent and they discussed children over the phone of course. not that i don't trust her today i do so anyway, when my wife starts to talk about our youngest son, he wants to see a picture of him. my youngest has Autism. So she said a picture of her and him. She didn't tell me at first but as we are talking about the house, i noticed a picture of him in her email with kids around him. i thought that was odd because you are just helping us find a house. then she said he sent a picture because i sent him a picture of joshua. i said oh which one, she then said the one where i'm with him. it didn't bother me but the next night, i get home and i start cleaning because our son is like the human shredder. so i'm cleaning away and then we start talking about the house. she brings him up and says, i don't keep things from you and wanted to let you know what he said today. i said what. he told her that when ever he's in a bad mood, he wants to just talk to her because she has voice that just calms him. i got pissed. keep in mind that my wife is very attractive, she could have been a model. Anway, when she said that. i got pissed. then i wondered why in the world did she need to include herself in the picture and doesn't he have a wife and would his life like it if she knew he said this After cleaning, i'm upset. i couldn't sleep. i was angry. i wasn't really angry at her. i was upset with him but felt like her action by sending her picture caused him to say what he did. i don't know, that night my wife is sleeping and i'm trying to get to bed. Again this is years, way after she cheated on me. i fully trust her. so i'm in bed trying to sleep and i'm starting to get pissed. then it hit me....After hours and hours of thinking. it hit me. by this time, then sun is just about up. i have work in 2 hours. i started to piece together dates and time and places that i didn't notice in the past but remembered it all that night. i was upset and hurt but it was different this time. there was no brushing it aside because that night i recalled how she wasn't dressed when i returned home from dropping her friends off. only to be intimate with me which of course means she was intimate with him right before me... i was now wide awake. i don't know why it came to me that night but it did and now i was hurt. She woke up and i told her my feelings. she just listened and tried to hug me. i didn't want her to touch me. i felt that what she did was to much for me. it was nasty. She attempted to be intimate with me, i moved away. the next night, i tried my best to sleep. i wasn't pissed. i was hurt. She could tell i was hurt by my expression. i already forgave her a long time ago but it felt like i was just starting to put everything together. it was hurting. i tried my best to keep it inside but it was hard because i was now crying myself to sleep if i could sleep. then i remembered something else that i totally forgot about and i wish i did forget. After everything was out in the open back then. i ran into a picture of him naked and showing well. i'll keep it pg13. i totally forgot about that but when i remembered. i was hurt because now piecing everything together and seeing him was more than i could handle. i woke her up, it was 5am. i told her my feelings and told her i'm remembering things now and i'm going to do my best to get through this so please work with me. it's been maybe a week now. i'm depressed. last night was the most painful for me. i started to clean the house. it was really late and hot. i got naked to clean and then was going to hop in the shower. i looked at myself in the mirror and sadly started to compare and realized that i'm shorter. i woke her up and told her how i felt. She tried to convince me that i'm better. i wish i didn't even see that stupid picture. i've been said ever since. i've been depressed. i told her that i realize now that i never really had time to heal because i just brushed everything to the side. it didn't help that i saw his picture on facebook through a cousin. i kept my feelings hidden for so long and now i'm suffering. this morning i told her i can't do this anymore and the words i'm leaving almost came out... She wrote an email to me. told me, i was the best thing that ever happened in her life and that she was so sorry and that she will do whatever it takes to help me heal.... but i can't get these images out of my head and i'm very depressed. holding in my tears right now.....Anyway, any suggestions that could help me or just allow time to heal it

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