Do I have a story for you...

I am sure this isn't even the correct group to get in with, but I enjoy reading what everyone is going through. Here's the scoop: Last April, my husband started an EA. If found out 1 month later. Looking back, I regret not telling him to leave and never return, that we were over. Again, key words....looking back. He waited a week to tell me honesty, no holding back, what was going on. So honest, so painful. He said he didn't know why it happened- even how, but this woman had some sort of "something" he couldn't explain. He said "it" was like looking in the mirror (scary thought) He said he didn't love me any less than the day he first texted her ( big fat lie?) He told me he wanted to share his life with me and our S15, and with her. He wanted us both, because no one should be condemned just because they love more than one. The s*** about "poly" then was his reason. I've been living in H*## since. We've been married 14 years, together 17. I really thought he was going through a mid life crisis or something. I really thought "they" wouldn't last. I now know I've "allowed" my heartache.... by even still being here, for even thinking I could live my life.... sharing my husband. I know we love each other, but it will never be the same. It's just way too much drama. My problem is how to let him go. How do you just "un love" some one? Or do you just love from a distance. I've been working in the 180, and some key phrases from ReGroup's thread, and all the advice he's gotten there. Problem is... it's hard. I'm very angry, hurt from all that's been done, and yet... here I am, alone. We had so many dreams and plans for the future ( that he says would just have to modified because of OW)- who's going through a divorce and has D12, S8. Does she really think this doesn't hurt her children? I know how it's hurting our son. I wasn't raised, nor told when I got married that 16 years later I would have to share my spouse. And I don't... all I have to do is say... I'm done, he's not forcing me to stay and he says he won't leave his home, because that's not how HE wants it. He wants us, and he wants her (doesn't want anything serious with the kids there) - and he lives there now 50% of the time. Believe it or not, HE is on a "custody" schedule. It's horrible:( How do you let go of the fear of letting go? He knows I'm not happy. He knows I can never see his vision, yet he will not leave. I will not leave my S15 behind. I feel like I was punched in the stomach a year ago, so hard that it's taken until - my god- a year, to realize I just can't live this way. What is wrong with ME?? I'm ready for you all to "hit" me with: how weak I am, crazy, stupid, ... all of it.... "hit" me.... I hope something that someone says helps me to get a move on ... so I can start living a happy and healthy life ( without sooo much pain ). Ask any question you want... I will answer anything and everything. Or tell me - wrong forum to be at;)

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