Want a divorce, but it would be 2nd time

I've been considering separation/divorce for quite a while. This is my second marriage, and next week we will have been married for two years (together for 5). My husband is much younger than I am. I've always been a little sensitive about the age difference, but figured he'd mature and grow up as the years went on. We have a newborn daughter. I have a teenager from my first marriage which lasted 11 years. I realize that I am the common denominator in both relationships and have come to the conclusion that I just am not meant for marriage, and am monumentally bad at choosing the right people to be with. I have pretty low self esteem. The saying, "you accept the love you think you deserve" is definitely applicable, when it comes to me. My first husband was very successful, and traveled extensively, he was only around on the weekends. We had more of a friendship than a loving marriage. When our oldest of two children died suddenly, we became more distant, grieving in two completely different ways. I asked for a divorce 3 years later. He became extremely angry with me, used threats, and was controlling every aspect of the divorce/child custody. I thought I had to do and sign whatever he said and put in front of me because I did not have my own income. It was a very messy and stressful divorce. During this time, I had made a good friend. He was very funny and made me laugh a lot, which was what I needed and a nice change of pace. We began dating, we moved in together with my son, and married a couple years ago. Although he was fun to be around, there were issues that always bothered me about him but I chose to ignore, I guess. He is immature and not thoughtful or considerate. He lies about little things like where he was or who he was with. He was not that emotionally supportive during the journey to have a baby. Had three miscarriages and pretty much went through that myself - never came to any doctor appointments. Some other examples: plays video games for hours on end, wouldn't lift a finger to empty cat litter when I was pregnant and not supposed to touch it, plays team sports weekly, is on a fantasy football league, golfs, and works out several mornings per week. Sneaks and goes out for drinks after work when I wouldn't care if he would just be honest about it. While he continues maintaining a bachelor-like existence, I am stuck home without a car with a newborn. I like exercising too, but am luc ky if I get a 15 minute walk. I don't go out. Or get my hair done. Or nails. I don't buy myself clothes or purses or jewelry. He had the chance to change his work schedule so he would be home way more often to help me, but he declined it. He's not the warmest person...in 5 years he's never once given my son a hug. They rarely interact. We do not share a bank account or money. I receive some child support and I live off of that. It is such an odd feeling to be in a marriage and be stressed out about money when he has plenty, and I worry about having enough to buy groceries for my kids every month. I guess the "straw that broke the camel's back" was this past week. He works 6 am to 6 pm shifts a few days per week. But since the baby was born, he started going into work at 3:30 am to work out at the company gym (so he says). So, by the time he gets home at 6:30 pm, he's really tired. He's fallen asleep at 7 every night or says he has a headache and just lays on the couch. I would really like some help with dinner or bath time with the baby, but he's usually asleep now! We are really fortunate - our baby is healthy and usually very easy - she hardly ever cries and is so happy and smiley. A real joy to be around. I don't understand why he isn't more involved. It hurts a lot. I feel badly for her. I had hoped I would learn from my mistakes in the first marriage - but looks like I screwed up again. I have communicated a few times to him, that I want to separate, and he responds by punching the wall, yelling at me, or threatening to kill himself. I worked a crappy job for the last two years and have very, very little in my savings account. Since the baby, I have been staying home with her so I find myself in the same predicament. I have no idea how I'd be able to afford to take my kids and live by ourselves (I am done with relationships). I am so unhappy. And when I am unhappy I get really quiet. This pisses him off a lot because he wants me to be the same girl that laughs at all his jokes and falls all over herself trying to make him happy like I did in the beginning. But when I try to explain that I don't feel valued in this relationship or worth any of his effort, he just shrugs it off and says he loves me and I'm supposed to just accept that and be thankful, I guess. I know first hand, that life is too short. You can wake up one morning and have your entire world come crashing down. I don't want to waste any more time in a relationship where I feel like a fool. I'm a decent, very loving person. I believe I deserve to be happy and I want that for myself and my kids. I'm not interested in being my husband's mother, cleaning up after him or holding his hand and walking him through life showing him how to be a good, involved parent. In the past I've suggested counseling. He responded by saying he thinks we can fix our problems by talking and it doesn't need to involve a "third person." However, we talk, and things don't ever change. I just think it's too late. I have so much resentment built up towards him. I figured out that I put up with it this long because he used to tell me I was gorgeous and sent me emails about how much he missed me. When I told him it would be nice and make me feel good to hear that stuff again, he said he doesn't do it because we live together now and see each other enough! He's impossible to talk to - like a brick wall. And when we do, he just does not get it. He's the type of person that would need a big, drastic action for a wake up call. But I don't have the resources to do anything like that. I feel extremely stuck. :( ~mg33

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