My Ex Fiance and our "friend"

Her and I met online 13 years ago. We talked online and then on the phone for about 10 months we both fell very hard for each other before ever meeting in person it honestly felt like our souls merged into one, then we decided I should go visit her. Got in my car and headed south 1000 miles away, the visit lasted 12 years. We both made many mistakes during the relationship , we both have traumatic pasts and the issues effected us. the last few years it seemed like we slowly drifted apart. We sort of just were comfortable with each other and didn't know how to let go. But that doesn't change the hurt. We spent a lot of years together, she spent her entire 20's with me, from 19- 31. But as we were just going through the motions I suggested we try therapy. I didn't want to give up on her and I honestly just felt like what we were experiencing was a normal part of a long term relationship. I just felt like no matter what we would work through any issues and remain together. Our sex life essentially stopped, the last year we might have been together sexually 5 times at most. I think back and wonder why I didn't just walk away then. But again I was in the fog, and when you are in it, its tough to really make sound decisions. This is where the story changes drastically. about 2 1/2 to 3 months ago things changed. We met on America online in a chatroom, and we made a bunch of friends. a while back she started a Facebook page for people who were part of that chatroom. She exchanged phone numbers with a few people, a male friend , more so a friend of mine , but she knew him as well. So that's when it started, I think? But about 2 1/2 months ago they started talking on Facebook in public, and then in private messages , and he was talking with me as well , and I confided in him how it felt like her and I were really struggling badly , and he then went all out , talking to her nonstop, flirting with her, telling her everything she wanted to hear , and that's when the lying started, she would have secret calls, and always deleting her texts , and then she was talking with him on facebook messages and one time I asked her what she was talking about and she freaked out and deleted the whole convo. And this sent my mind spinning. all the lies kept going and each second my anxiety level went higher and higher , ( I have General anxiety disorder and a few other issues) and she knew it, they both knew how badly I was suffering , and it was as if I was witnessing our souls separate, I was literally watching her , the woman I loved fall in love with someone else , right in front of my eyes. I could not take it any longer and I told her I needed to leave. I think they both thought if they kept talking I would leave, and she deserves to be happy , just like I do, so I gave her her space , I went back up north 1000 miles away to stay with family. 3 weeks later she went to visit him for the weekend. I know this story might not be as extreme as others , but I am not in a world of pain and anguish I cant even begin to explain. They are dating now, she has visited him twice and he visited her at least once. I still have some clothing there and her and I have emailed , but I am so very terrified of thinking that I am never going to talk to her ever again I am afraid to have the stuff sent to me because I am afraid of what it will feel like. I gave her her space , I backed off 100% after I left. I did mess up a few times though once on my birthday, I had a few beers , maybe more than a few and I started calling her and she answered and she was with him, she put him on the phone, then she said " J , if you call me one more time you are going to hear him F-ing me" and those words haunt me to this day , its been over a month since she said those words , but it still crushes me , and breaks my heart over and over again. I feel like the woman I was going to marry , the woman I spent 12 years of my life with , is gone , I feel like she died to be honest , because the person she is now , I don't recognize at all. I am living day by day, barely , but the pain an anguish get very intense at times. Sleep is extremely difficult , I lost touch with family and friends and I really need to start building a new life , a new group of friends. I am in a brand new , very small quiet town and I don't know many people here, and I have tried to go out and meet people , but I always find myself coming back online, talking on forums , trying to help others, sharing my story with people. So anyways I am 37 years old and I feel like I have had enough pain in my life for 1000000 lifetimes. anyways sorry for the long post , thanks for reading.:scratchhead:

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