No plans in future. Depressed and only bonded when drinking

Hello everyone. I'm Adelle. I'm 29, married and live I'n south Wales, uk. . If there's any spelling mistakes or it's hard to read I apologise as I'm typing on an iPod right now. Also I apologise for this being long but I'll try and make it as short as possible. Please read and reply as soon as you can..Id be very greatful. I won't go into the whole long story of my past or my husbands past, both together and seperate. Basically I met my husband when we were 18 and we got together shortly after. We had a very rocky on off relationship for years but ended up living together, then living apart for a few months before me moving back I'n and getting engaged. A year later we were married and we had our third anniversary last month. My husband and I have always had anxiety and insecurity issues, my husband much worse with the anxiety and agoraphobia side. Neither of us feel like we can go out and especially my husband will stay I'n all day every day going on games, sleeping and trying to block out noise from outside...mainly kids. He has suffered depression for a long time and has been on a few antidepressants, being back on the one now that works the best. He's also been having councilling since a child and still is. I've had some too and I'm awaiting a referral again. At the moment we have hit rock bottom I feel. Understandably we never go anywhere...maybe once or twice a year and that's usually with his parents for a meal. We have been couple other places few times and that's it. We are hardly intimate. We have sex maybe once or twice if I'm lucky I'n about six months and our current efforts of sitting next to each other to cuddle and talk/watch a movie havnt turned out well or resulted I'n any other form of intimacy. I always feel unsexy as a result and depressed. One night couple weeks ago we had a really great night and there was a lot of intimacy along with a promise that he wanted to have more romantic nights with me and we will. This was however after an intense dream he had that I was cheating on him. He usually has these and feels scared I will leave to persue what I need I'n a future elsewhere. This stems also from him feeling unsexy I believe as he wants to lose weight. Nothing passionate has happened since and once again I don't feel the spark or bond. The biggest problem is for a while now we have taken up drinking...a lot. And I am having a hard time giving it up as much as I want to. It started a long time ago when we were again having no intimacy and time together doing couple things, so we started sitting with no tv etc with some wine and talking. We covered many subjects such as ghosts, aliens, creationism, evolution, dinosaurs etc. Neither of us have ever discussed these things I'n depth with anyone else before, let alone each other. I began to feel the warmth and butterfly's again that I longed for and remaninced about for so long. We grew closer and made it a regular thing and our sex life was a bit better also. Then we ran out of things to talk about, sex became non existent again and as a result we ended up just drinking more to try and force it back and not enjoying it..just arguing. I have especially had such a problem with this the last few months. apart from first craving the sex we used to have after most of our wine nights, I began craving mire of the intimacy of bonding and talking. We have had a few good nights talking, walking and laughing, watching YouTube vids etc, but no sex and more often than not the nights always ended up with us arguing. We have tried talking with coffee or water but have nothing to say. We need more time apart I'n the days which we will be starting up again with him I'n the other room for a bit everyday and the odd night, but this isn't the main problem. Although it does us good and I enjoy it too we still don't have anything to talk about except games ( a big hobby of ours but that's all he does instead of going out). When I go out rarely with my sister for a daytrip or just coffee I'n the morning now and then there's still nothi h to say really of any interest to him or to make a conversation out of. To make it worse he doesn't like hearing about other people and what theyve been up to, unless it's his mum it seems. My main problem here is I am using alcohol all the time to make up for me not going out, not having variety I'n my marriage, not having intimacy or sex and not having a baby. I can't talk to him about these things hardly as he gets all defensive and moody. I want to keep having these wine nights and fun afternoons with talking, cuddling and movies etc but I want it to be like it used to be..really enjoyable and intellectual and to be able to do all those things and feel the bond without feeling the need to accompany it or start fuelling it all with drink. Whenever we do have intimacy, sex or go anywhere I can't enjoy it anyway cos I know it's gonna be months till the next time and that's even more pressure on me to try and plan it to make it really memorable. But then if it's too planned its meaningless, if you end up having a great time you crave more anyway cos it's never enough. I can't see me ever having the future I need with the man I love so much.

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