I actually am rather blue~

I'll start off by pointing out that I'm obviously new to the forum, and as such I'm unaware as to where this type of topic should be posted. So feel more than welcome to educate me as well as move it if need be~ I recently(I say recently because that's where my mind is, and I've always been a terrible tracker of time in terms of weeks and months) broke up with my girlfriend of over three years. We met online, on facebook of all places. I did a search for a friend of mine from middle school, whom had almost exactly the same name as my soon to be girlfriend, bar two letters in their surnames. I randomly added her, and things really took off of course. I couldn't even possibly begin to depict the ins and outs of our relationship. We were so unlike other people I've known, seen in movies or tv shows or even anything online. We were compatible in ways I hadn't thought to be overly important before meeting her. And well yeah, I left her. Or rather it's more accurate to say that I ran away from our Love, like a child. I gave her very little explanation, and even when I did it was incoherent, and spaced apart when we spoke two or three times over the course of the following two months. Even now it's hard for me to really explain my thoughts and feelings at that time. In the latter half of our time together I really began to feel inferior, and unworthy of her love, and her family's respect. Which is something I'd never felt before my relationship with her. And for the sake of not saying her over and over, we can call her Kelly. Kelly spent a great deal of our relationship setting standards and raising bars. Thing I had to do and or obtain in order for her to be happy and feel secure in our life together. Granted, when we met(I forgot to specify this earlier) she was 16 and I was 19. Kelly grew up with four older siblings, and her parents being of minimal(fair for a normal sized family, but their circumstances in terms of children were different) income. This drove Kelly to want to excel at everything in life, she wanted to afford what her parents never could. She wanted to feel stable and have peace financially. Which is fine, but she often let it rule very important decisions. Decisions which included guilting me into following a career path I was unhappy with. This was no silent unhappiness, as I was quite vocal about it at times. Discussing it would ultimately lead to her becoming incredibly sad, and my giving into her opinions. Almost all the time I'd do what was needed just to keep her happy. In fact that's what a great deal of our relationship was in the last two years. She'd become depressed over our situation, nightly, and I'd have to talk her into a pleasant mood over the course of hours. Which caused me(more so in the final year iirc) to avoid conversation a lot. She became more and more aware of how rough she was to deal with, and in turn also became very sympathetic. Believe it or not, she often agreed with me, that she was "impossible to deal with." But she'd note that she didn't know why she acted the way she did most of the time. It didn't help matters that her dad knew nothing of me, nor did anyone else in her world save one best friend. The others aside from her dad became aware of me either very late in the second year, or very early into the third. Her mom and more opinionated sister weren't thrilled. Her opinionated sister(lets call her Carol) would often make very insensitive comments about me. One being that I worked at Kmart(which I was while being in school. How many students DON'T have part time jobs during this time?!) Her mom would often hint to Kelly dating other people in spite of knowing that we were in a very serious long term relationship. Her mother mostly disliked the age difference, especially since I was dating her baby whom she'd nicknamed boots. She was indeed the pampered baby of the family, which in many subtle and even chaotic ways really shaped how she handled many things. I think one of the greatest deterrents for me, was her lack of respect and emotional awareness in regards to my feelings. Hiding me from the vast majority of her world for so long, like an embarrassing secret. Telling little fibs to her friends and sisters about my life. And then there was the tattoo. I know, I've heard it a thousand times already. When I got her name tattoo'd on my fore arm, I have no clue what I was thinking at the time. What I thought Kelly would think to be a cute gesture(she even hinted that she wanted me to do so!) She flipped out! Angrily! She made me feel like the lowest most inconsiderate person on the planet after doing this. And she hid it from every single person in her life as best she could. When I'd visit her at her college she'd make me wear jackets during the summertime, to hide it from her room mate and friends. She completely disregarded how she was making me feel. And honestly, I can't even describe how I actually felt back then. So for th e sake of having even a generic description, I'll just say it was crushing. But yeah, as I said, I broke up with her. And she broke off all ties with me entirely shortly after. I had for a while wanted to write her a letter, giving her the explanations she begged me for, but I was unable or unwilling to give. Though I'd been advised against it by a few people in my life. They were right, and I decided against it. Lately I've been having dreams about her, periodically. Usually they play out to be her and I getting back to together. The best I can imagine is these dreams just come from my being curious about her current feelings. I don't think I want to be with her deep down, or anything like that. I love her, and to some small extent I am still in love with her. Like I said, I can scarcely say I even broke up with her. I just ran away from what we had while it still stood. But I know I wouldn't be able to last with her. Not while we both have quite a bit more growing up to do. Anyway, can you believe this wasn't even what I wanted to make this thread about? It's just a bit of back story, that I hope can maybe help make it a simpler job to analyze the following. Not long after breaking up with Kelly, I began talking to another girl. We can call her Tracy. Tracy is someone I'd been friends with on facebook for quiteee some time, possibly before I even began to date Kelly, although I'm not entirely sure, and it hardly matters. And yes, I began talking with her nightly I'd say a week or two after breaking up with Kelly. It was pretty innocent at first. More so reunion conversation as we hadn't spoken in so long. Though it quickly moved on to be a bit more flirtatious, but also in a very innocent way. We just really got along and have soooo many little things in common in terms of likes, dislikes and hobbies. This is actually a bit of a relief, as Kelly and I had very few things in common. I'd say Kelly shared similar beliefs with me when it came to much larger things, though we didn't have the same sense of humor, a lot of the time we couldn't really hold a conversation as there'd be many bouts of awkward silence(which would really upse t her.) We didn't seem to really like the same movies(other than Disney, we were both insane about disney movies.) Music we differed greatly, even though over time I came to like a lot of what she listened to. I could go on, but I'm sure you catch my meaning. With Tracy it's been completely different. We have an extraordinary amount of similarities in these departments, and ones much like them branching off etc. However.. Where Kelly and I agreed or harmoniously fit well together, it would seem Tracy and I are different. Tracy likes to drink nightly, and smokes weed to some degree. She used to smoke cigarettes, but she quit six months ago and hasn't touched them since(which I'm really proud of her for doing~!) Tracy has lots and lotsss of straight male friends. Tracy actually much like Kelly seems to have an inability to be content with solely her own company. She's always making statuses on facebook asking people to make plans with her. Now let me get this out of the way, Tracy is really reallyyyy attractive(out of my league physically in my opinion) so her guy friends literally swarm her status(girl friends too of course, but mainly guys. Some flirt with her, others just try to make plans, or just talk about making plans or when they'll be in town etc etc etc. And instead of generic replies, she makes really excited replies to each person. Replies like, "OMGG I miss you! We should totally chill sometime mannnn. Hit me up : )" I knowww this is often times normal, but I come from a relationsh ip in which Kelly never did any of this. Her only two close male friends were gay. And even thennnn I'd feel kind of uncomfortable if like they got in her bed with her to watch a movie or something. I can't help it, it's just how I feel.

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