Should my relationship be over? In fact, it it basically already? Advice please :)

Me and my (maybe, probably, I don't even know) ex are both 35, female, and in an LDR. Very very long distance, like 10000 miles. I was meant to visit her but recently I've been diagnosed with a very serious anxiety disorder so I'm unable to. She cancelled the flight and got a refund. I understand she was very disappointed about this but medically I have been advised not to travel due to seriously bad, crippling panic attacks. This relationship has been rocky at best from the start. I did love her, though. I don't know how I feel now. I feel like I would be sad to lose her, but I also think a fear of being alone is driving me. When it started we were in the same city pretty much and occasionally she would go quiet for a few weeks, break up with me, and tell me stuff like our relationship didn't have the qualities she wanted (vague stuff, like we didn't "sparkle") and we were over. Then she'd get back together with me 5-6 days later. This happened maybe 4 times. Then she decided she wanted to go "on an adventure" to this new country and use its prosperous economy to build capital for her business. I didn't want to go. It wasn't a discussion, it was more "I'm going". I wasn't crazy about it, but willing to try an LDR. Sometimes I don't know why. Was it fear of being alone, or did I love her that much? We got really close then through daily chats even though it was LDR, declarations of love and a future etc. There were a few incidents of her trying to end it though -- though she said they were for my benefit, so I could be "free". I did feel a lot of love for her, she said she loved me, and we planned a future together. She would, however, get annoyed when I talked about "boring" things like my job and my day so our constant texting became a stressful mess of "I miss you" and "I love you" that began to cease to have all meaning. Still, at least we only had a year until she was home, right? WRONG! She signed a contract (in "consultation" with me, but that consisted of "I'm doing it") to stay working in the new country for a year longer than we'd planned. She said she hadn't built up enough money. I felt hurt by that but I got it. She does want that business a lot but it would mean 2 more years apart rather than 1. She said she was doing this to build a rock solid future for us. She then felt her social life was lacking went on dating websites to find gay friends in her city which I wasn't crazy about but I trusted her. I honestly don't believe she cheated, I don't think she is like that. Doesn't exactly foster trust though. She talked about this awesome woman she met but swore they are just friends. I think I believe that, but you never know. Just before I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder I had a massive panic attack and suddenly broke up with her. I couldn't help it. It was like watching someone else doing it. I was freaking out. All my issues -- all the breakups, the move, the extended contract, the dating websites, the new friend -- just exploded out! I have never broken up with her before, it's always been her doing it with me. I was very apologetic and immediately sought professional help for the meltdown I had. The doctor agreed I have had a long term anxiety disorder and I'm on meds now. Ever since the night I melted down and broke up with her she says her trust in me is busted, she goes between saying we're together, we might be together, or we're friends. Her texts are getting shorter and less frequent. She has referred to me as her friend recently. I know the answer to this but I just need y'all to tell me: I need to let this go, right? I feel a bit maligned that she's broken up with me a zillion times and I forgave and one time I do it when I'm not myself and acutely ill seems to end everything, but eh. I don't believe she is a bad person at all. I think a lot of her. I don't mean to malign her with this post. I do love her (although I'm unsure as to if romantically and how tenable that is) and think a lot of her. I just think maybe too much has happened now (and too big a distance, for too long a time) for this to work. I think she probably is pulling away from me, too. I think we just can't communicate well. The whole thing has seemed like one misunderstanding after another! Advice and help from uninvolved people please. So mixed up. Go NC for a bit and see what happens? I dread talking to her now. It all feels so unresolved but looking at it in black and white it seems clear that this is over when I'm getting one word texts or texts with a friendly tone, and never with her initiating the conversation. How to heal from this? The whole relationship has, tbh, seemed like a weird trip at times! I think I have put up with a lot and I may not have been perfect, but it isn't my fault this anxiety disorder has happened. I feel sad that I see my future crumbling before me, but maybe it is best that it does. Maybe, sadly, she and I are just... oil and water.

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