If only...

Let me start by saying that I was the WS in my relationship. I had been married for 10 years. Absolutely head over heels for my husband, no desires to do anything remotely resembling what occurred to me. Hubby was a little distant and detached, there were times when I felt like he would rather play a game on the computer than spend time with me, but over all... no complaints. I had a party to attend for work. H was going to come with me, then the MIL backed out of watching our 3 kids, so he made arrangements for me to go with his best friend (whom he worked with also). (MIL then tried to change her mind, but H is stubborn, and was mad about it all...) BF proceeded to get me overly drunk. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but I got the idea in my head he was cute and I wanted him. (No, I really didn't.) The only thing I'm grateful to this guy for now is that he stopped things before we actually did have sex. I spent a lot of time on the computer talking to BF after this. I'm quite certain you could call it an EA at that point. I said things that I shouldn't have said. BF did too. After about a month and 1/2, I quit talking to the guy all together. H had started hearing things from people. I, of course, denied everything. Didn't want to admit what I had done. About 6 months later, I finally cracked and admitted it. H left, moved out. Moved home about a month later, saying we would work it out. H left me again last Wednesday. Over the same thing. I have not had another affair. I've done everything I can to be as open and honest with him as possible, even offering to let him put a video camera on me 24/7 if that was what it took for him to see that he can trust me again. We've been going to marriage counseling for the past two months, and he won't go with me anymore. I love him. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret what happened. I want to be his wife. What do I do now to show him this? He moved out, is staying with a friend across town. Feel free to tell me how horrible I am for this, I will agree with you. But, that's not me anymore. How do I fix my relationship?

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