Am I the abuser? Is he? Both?

Hello everyone and thank you for listening. I really need advice and support. I am a woman and have been married for 13 years and I am 33 (married since 19). My husband and I have 3 children (6yo twins and a 13yo). So lets go! For along time my husband has not been interested in sex at all. If I get dressed up sexy, that works,but he will never ever ever make and effort. I really suffer from a lack of a sex life and I have tried everything and always please my husband in bed but he is very much wam bam thank you mam. Just after my twins were born my husband was seriously addicted to porn and would watch it non stop, it was heartbreaking for me considering I was exhausted and looking after the twins while he was watching porn. I asked him to stop, and finally he did, but I still think he is looking at porn, which I wouldn't mind if he cared about our love life, or didn't turn me down all the time (I am pretty and fit) I think he is still secretly looking at porn and it is heartbreaking for me because he gets off and I am always left wishing he approached me for sex once in a while. Today was a terrible day, my husband screamed in my face over and over that he hates me and threw his wedding ring across the room. He told me "see see in my eyes how much I hate you" over and over again. I left the house and when I came back he said he loved me and that he has anger issues. That he loves me that he doesn't hate me. He says I drive him to act crazy. A huge problem in our relationship is that we have totally different dreams. I wanted to be close to family (both his and mine). I wanted to have another child. I want to make love. I followed my husband to France and never see his or my family, he has told me he will never ever have another child with me because he doesn't want to hurt the children he has already. These are the issues we fight about in our marriage, we are very poor in France as I cant get work here, far from the support of family, and the children and getting a very poor education. We are from Australia and NZ but he insists that this life is what is good for the children. I said, can't we separate and see other people? I would never take the children away from him and am willing to support him in every way, but I so crave love and passion, I want to feel loved and wanted, not hated and turned down constantly for sex. When ever I try and get him to compromise he screams that I am hurting him by saying that, that I only suggest these things to goad him. I don't goad any one any more, too old and tired, I just want to be happy and respected. I really don't know if I am the crazy one or he is these days, I don't know if I am the abuser or he is. My husband does not help in anyway around the house and garden, he is the breadwinner and very judgemental of me. I would love to work, but he often goes away with his work and i have to be at home for the kids. I want to be happy, I want him to be happy. I don't want to be blamed for everything and jump through any more hoops. The trouble is I do care for him, and when he is sad or unhappy, I have to make him happy if I can. I have truly come to the point were I don't know if I have driven him to abusive behaviour. He is a good provided, he has a plan for the family, it is just not my plan. I am so sad, and resigned, every time I try and explain that maybe we would be better off with other people, or if he could compromise a little, he just makes me feel like I am trying to goad him. I know this post is all confused, and I am sorry, but I wish I knew whether or not I was the abuser? If I drove my husband to say and act with such hate? Is this my fault?

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