I don't come to TAM as regularly as I used to, and in particular when I haven't been around for a week or so, a number of things really jump out at me and it really makes me wonder. Maybe I'm just in an odd mood, so I hope no one feels offended by my comments.
In a number of threads, whether they were made by people who are in solid marriages or troubled ones, it seems like the margin for error is always so small. Since I'm a guy, I'll lay out a scenario from that POV. Man and woman get married, there is that animal attraction and spark. Relationship matures and attraction wanes. Some of that is natural. However, much of it from what I read on here is IMHO NOT NATURAL. Let's continue. Wife feels less attraction for her H. Sometimes W will say something about it, and H blows it off. Sometimes W will not say anything and H will not know any better and will live obliviously. Either way, one or both become complacent (content? conflict avoidance?). Attraction wanes and more likely than not it's the W who loses it first or at a higher level. She's either: 1) just a cold fish to her H, 2) oogles hot guys in books/mags/TV/etc, 3) actively talks to friends about how if she were single - she'd go after another guy they know, 4) hangs with friends going out and flirting with guys, 5) reconnecting to past loves and flirting, 6) flirting with male coworkers and/or 7) flat out cheats on H. H wakes up and finds W not attracted to him and somewhere on a scale of detaching from him.
Ultimately, the guy reacts in a number of ways. He may get panicky and get extra clingy and do the exact things that bothered his W -but now more of it. He may simply detach as well and a myriad of other options then branches off. But let's assume the H wants to fix things - which brings me to my whole point. Why is it assumed that the most likely and assured way to inject more passion into the marriage is to play games? Why gamesmanship? MMSLP seems incorporate gaming (PUA techniques) to win that wife back with ideas about a 2/3rd rule of compliments between the wife and husband, ensuring that the H's sex ranks is always higher, etc. etc. Or maybe people don't come from the MMSLP background but it seems much of the thought is based on walking a tightrope to ensure the "ideal marriage". Watch out, because if you're too alpha you'll chase her away but if you're too beta you're going to turn into a doormat for her to walk all over you.
Is this the marriage dynamic that most people see? DATING/COURTING - MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON PHASE - WANING ATTRACTION - DETACHMENT - GAMING - RECONNECT - HONEYMOON PHASE II?
IMHO, when I take a step or 2 back and think about this more, I think what happens is there are a lot of marriage that start between couples that are incompatible. Because of the incompatibility, a certain amount of gaming needs to take place in order to keep a marriage like this going. If you sense on the deeper level that you are not compatible with your spouse, you tend to not share as much as you normally would with a spouse. That lack of sharing goes hand in hand with reduced communication because you don't want to bare your soul to someone that is not compatible with you. From there, the margin for error gets much tougher. The less you know someone, the more formal the relationship. The more formal the relationship, the less margin for error. That's how I see it.
Sorry for such a long OP. Been thinking about this for a little while and just wanted to throw it out there. This could just as easily go into General, but thought it best to go here since it's ultimately about attraction and intimacy.
In a number of threads, whether they were made by people who are in solid marriages or troubled ones, it seems like the margin for error is always so small. Since I'm a guy, I'll lay out a scenario from that POV. Man and woman get married, there is that animal attraction and spark. Relationship matures and attraction wanes. Some of that is natural. However, much of it from what I read on here is IMHO NOT NATURAL. Let's continue. Wife feels less attraction for her H. Sometimes W will say something about it, and H blows it off. Sometimes W will not say anything and H will not know any better and will live obliviously. Either way, one or both become complacent (content? conflict avoidance?). Attraction wanes and more likely than not it's the W who loses it first or at a higher level. She's either: 1) just a cold fish to her H, 2) oogles hot guys in books/mags/TV/etc, 3) actively talks to friends about how if she were single - she'd go after another guy they know, 4) hangs with friends going out and flirting with guys, 5) reconnecting to past loves and flirting, 6) flirting with male coworkers and/or 7) flat out cheats on H. H wakes up and finds W not attracted to him and somewhere on a scale of detaching from him.
Ultimately, the guy reacts in a number of ways. He may get panicky and get extra clingy and do the exact things that bothered his W -but now more of it. He may simply detach as well and a myriad of other options then branches off. But let's assume the H wants to fix things - which brings me to my whole point. Why is it assumed that the most likely and assured way to inject more passion into the marriage is to play games? Why gamesmanship? MMSLP seems incorporate gaming (PUA techniques) to win that wife back with ideas about a 2/3rd rule of compliments between the wife and husband, ensuring that the H's sex ranks is always higher, etc. etc. Or maybe people don't come from the MMSLP background but it seems much of the thought is based on walking a tightrope to ensure the "ideal marriage". Watch out, because if you're too alpha you'll chase her away but if you're too beta you're going to turn into a doormat for her to walk all over you.
Is this the marriage dynamic that most people see? DATING/COURTING - MARRIAGE - HONEYMOON PHASE - WANING ATTRACTION - DETACHMENT - GAMING - RECONNECT - HONEYMOON PHASE II?
IMHO, when I take a step or 2 back and think about this more, I think what happens is there are a lot of marriage that start between couples that are incompatible. Because of the incompatibility, a certain amount of gaming needs to take place in order to keep a marriage like this going. If you sense on the deeper level that you are not compatible with your spouse, you tend to not share as much as you normally would with a spouse. That lack of sharing goes hand in hand with reduced communication because you don't want to bare your soul to someone that is not compatible with you. From there, the margin for error gets much tougher. The less you know someone, the more formal the relationship. The more formal the relationship, the less margin for error. That's how I see it.
Sorry for such a long OP. Been thinking about this for a little while and just wanted to throw it out there. This could just as easily go into General, but thought it best to go here since it's ultimately about attraction and intimacy.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment