Hello everyone,
I would love to hear some input from you all.
I am 26 years old and have two kids (1 from a previous relationship). My husband and I were married in 2012. We have been having some major issues lately. I cannot rely on my husband and I am having a hard time distinguishing if I am overreacting or if this is really a problem.
Here is a long backstory (It's pretty long, so bear with me)...
My husband and I met when I was 22 and he was 31. I was in a Masters program in clinical psychology. We fell in love very quickly and were engaged within 10 months. Here is where it gets tricky. I have a past history of anxiety. When we met I told him about this. I told him that I used to have panic attacks and saw therapists most of my childhood. What I didn't tell him however was that I was on antidepressants and had been for 10 years. The medication was doing nothing for me and I was simply taking it by habit. I did not tell him about the medication because I do realize the stigma and in my mind I already knew I was coming off the medication. I felt that the medication was doing nothing for me anymore and that through my education and by getting older, I had learned coping skills that would help me if I ever felt anxious. We were engaged in October, and that following January is when I began the process of weaning off the meds. Everything went well except I began having fe elings of depression. My fiance seemed baffled at what was going on, so I let him in on what was happening. I told him that I was on medication for anxiety since I was 13 and that at this point the medication wasn't doing anything for me anymore, and I was coming off of it. I explained to him why I didn't tell him about the medication, and he was supportive of my decision. He understood and told me that it was a very personal thing and I did what I had to do. Everything was fine after a month or so. I began a doctorate program in clinical psychology and my anxiety never returned.
We were married in September, and that's when tons of things happened at once. My husband was offered a job in a city 2 hours away so we began the process of moving. I was born and raised in the same place and have about 20 family members there. I am extremely close to my family so the thought of moving away was very hard. At that same time I also learned I was pregnant with our first child together (I have a previous son from another relationship). During my pregnancy we traveled a lot to our new city to try and find a house. The plan was for me to stay at my moms during my pregnancy. My husband would go on to his new job, and I would move there after the baby was born. My pregnancy was pretty nerve-wracking because my older son was born 9 weeks early and had to stay in the NICU for 30 days. Luckily, I stayed pregnant for longer and my youngest son was born 5 weeks early and only had to stay in the NICU for a few days. I immediately moved to the new city with my husband with my two kids. I had no family and no friends and it was pretty hard to adjust, but I did my best. I was still working on my doctorate online through this time. Months went on and I was finally adjusting.
About 10 months after we moved to our new house, my mother in law came to live with us. Her job was ending in another state and we recommended that she come live with us until she can find a job and place near us. I was very happy because I needed help with the kids and the house while I worked on my schoolwork. A few weeks after she moved in I started getting terrible body aches. I attributed it to the flu and tried to ignore it. After a month of it not going away, I went to the doctor where they told me my white blood cell count was extremely low and they wanted to retest it in a week. A week later it dipped even lower. After months of tests, doctors, and waiting, they finally referred me to a hematologist to figure out what was going on. After hearing words like leukemia and lymphoma from doctors, I was relieved to find out that everything was fine and it was just a virus that my body was having a hard time fighting off. A few days after I got my good news, I received terr ible news about my grandma whom I am very close with. She was diagnosed with cancer and had to immediately begin treatment. I had just began my dissertation during this time and in order for me to be involved in the graduation ceremony, I would have to be a certain amount done with it. My youngest son was born when I was 20 and she was one of the only ones who continued to believe in me after I became pregnant, so it was extremely important for me to be in the graduation ceremony so she could see me. I spent a few weeks dedicating 10 hours a day on my dissertation so I could reach a certain point so I could be in the ceremony. Luckily, I did it and she was able to see my walk across the stage.
Things were getting difficult living with my mother in law. Yes she was helpful sometimes, but I couldn't be myself in my own home. I work a few hours a week as a clinician at a private practice. During this time at work, I had a situation that became very unsafe for me. I won't go into details, but that combined with everything else the past 2 years had finally pushed me over the edge. In August of 2014, I had my first panic attack in over 15 years. My anxiety returned and I could barely leave my house. Depression followed because of the shame I felt for having anxiety return. I am currently still battling with it, but have improved dramatically. I have taken up meditation, yoga, and I go to therapy.
Now here is where my husband comes in. My husband is a very mentally strong man. He deals with things on his own and hates to see people weak. When I had my "breakdown" in August, he basically told me to suck it up and deal with it. He would look at me like he pitied me. I felt no warmth, understanding, or acceptance from him. I explained to him repeatedly that it wasn't my fault and that this occurred because of the accumulation of stressors from the past 2 years (moving to a new city, marriage, pregnancy, dissertation, cancer scare, grandma diagnosed with cancer, MIL moving in with us, dangerous situation at work). He said that I shouldn't blame anything, and I need to look at myself. I somewhat agree, but I feel as though he is giving me no "permission" and no understanding. He has told me that "He will stay with me forever if I have this, but he won't love me", and "If I would have known you were taking medicine, we would not be here". I currently feel as though I have to hide my struggle, which is wrong! I should be able to lean on him and feel safe. But its just not like that unfortunately. One thing I tell my clients is that in order for them to heal, they must have a healing environment. I don't have that. I have to hide when I'm having a bad anxiety day. There are so many other things that he has done that just proves to me that I cannot rely on him when things get tough that I am now trying to figure out what to do. Here is an example: After I had my son, I woke up my husband in the middle of the night asking if he could wheel me to the NICU so I could feed our son. He told me no, ask the nurse. I told him that I wanted him to take me because I was in severe pain and the nurse couldn't go in with me and walk me to his incubator. He said no. So I went myself. That next morning I calmly confronted him about it and he said that I was selfish for waking him up and goes on to tell me that no wonder why I have no friends, I am too judgmental . Two weeks after this incident when we were back at our new house in the new city, he tells me he is going on a 6 day river trip with his buddies. I begged him not to go as we were in a new city, new house, I knew nobody, I was still healing, and I was adjusting to having 2 kids. He still went. These are just a few examples of how he is. We do have good times, but in the back of my mind I know he just wants me when I'm at my best, and that's not realistic. I want someone to love me and support me through the bad times as well as the good times.
If you have read up until this point, thank you. Please let me know what you all think.
I would love to hear some input from you all.
I am 26 years old and have two kids (1 from a previous relationship). My husband and I were married in 2012. We have been having some major issues lately. I cannot rely on my husband and I am having a hard time distinguishing if I am overreacting or if this is really a problem.
Here is a long backstory (It's pretty long, so bear with me)...
My husband and I met when I was 22 and he was 31. I was in a Masters program in clinical psychology. We fell in love very quickly and were engaged within 10 months. Here is where it gets tricky. I have a past history of anxiety. When we met I told him about this. I told him that I used to have panic attacks and saw therapists most of my childhood. What I didn't tell him however was that I was on antidepressants and had been for 10 years. The medication was doing nothing for me and I was simply taking it by habit. I did not tell him about the medication because I do realize the stigma and in my mind I already knew I was coming off the medication. I felt that the medication was doing nothing for me anymore and that through my education and by getting older, I had learned coping skills that would help me if I ever felt anxious. We were engaged in October, and that following January is when I began the process of weaning off the meds. Everything went well except I began having fe elings of depression. My fiance seemed baffled at what was going on, so I let him in on what was happening. I told him that I was on medication for anxiety since I was 13 and that at this point the medication wasn't doing anything for me anymore, and I was coming off of it. I explained to him why I didn't tell him about the medication, and he was supportive of my decision. He understood and told me that it was a very personal thing and I did what I had to do. Everything was fine after a month or so. I began a doctorate program in clinical psychology and my anxiety never returned.
We were married in September, and that's when tons of things happened at once. My husband was offered a job in a city 2 hours away so we began the process of moving. I was born and raised in the same place and have about 20 family members there. I am extremely close to my family so the thought of moving away was very hard. At that same time I also learned I was pregnant with our first child together (I have a previous son from another relationship). During my pregnancy we traveled a lot to our new city to try and find a house. The plan was for me to stay at my moms during my pregnancy. My husband would go on to his new job, and I would move there after the baby was born. My pregnancy was pretty nerve-wracking because my older son was born 9 weeks early and had to stay in the NICU for 30 days. Luckily, I stayed pregnant for longer and my youngest son was born 5 weeks early and only had to stay in the NICU for a few days. I immediately moved to the new city with my husband with my two kids. I had no family and no friends and it was pretty hard to adjust, but I did my best. I was still working on my doctorate online through this time. Months went on and I was finally adjusting.
About 10 months after we moved to our new house, my mother in law came to live with us. Her job was ending in another state and we recommended that she come live with us until she can find a job and place near us. I was very happy because I needed help with the kids and the house while I worked on my schoolwork. A few weeks after she moved in I started getting terrible body aches. I attributed it to the flu and tried to ignore it. After a month of it not going away, I went to the doctor where they told me my white blood cell count was extremely low and they wanted to retest it in a week. A week later it dipped even lower. After months of tests, doctors, and waiting, they finally referred me to a hematologist to figure out what was going on. After hearing words like leukemia and lymphoma from doctors, I was relieved to find out that everything was fine and it was just a virus that my body was having a hard time fighting off. A few days after I got my good news, I received terr ible news about my grandma whom I am very close with. She was diagnosed with cancer and had to immediately begin treatment. I had just began my dissertation during this time and in order for me to be involved in the graduation ceremony, I would have to be a certain amount done with it. My youngest son was born when I was 20 and she was one of the only ones who continued to believe in me after I became pregnant, so it was extremely important for me to be in the graduation ceremony so she could see me. I spent a few weeks dedicating 10 hours a day on my dissertation so I could reach a certain point so I could be in the ceremony. Luckily, I did it and she was able to see my walk across the stage.
Things were getting difficult living with my mother in law. Yes she was helpful sometimes, but I couldn't be myself in my own home. I work a few hours a week as a clinician at a private practice. During this time at work, I had a situation that became very unsafe for me. I won't go into details, but that combined with everything else the past 2 years had finally pushed me over the edge. In August of 2014, I had my first panic attack in over 15 years. My anxiety returned and I could barely leave my house. Depression followed because of the shame I felt for having anxiety return. I am currently still battling with it, but have improved dramatically. I have taken up meditation, yoga, and I go to therapy.
Now here is where my husband comes in. My husband is a very mentally strong man. He deals with things on his own and hates to see people weak. When I had my "breakdown" in August, he basically told me to suck it up and deal with it. He would look at me like he pitied me. I felt no warmth, understanding, or acceptance from him. I explained to him repeatedly that it wasn't my fault and that this occurred because of the accumulation of stressors from the past 2 years (moving to a new city, marriage, pregnancy, dissertation, cancer scare, grandma diagnosed with cancer, MIL moving in with us, dangerous situation at work). He said that I shouldn't blame anything, and I need to look at myself. I somewhat agree, but I feel as though he is giving me no "permission" and no understanding. He has told me that "He will stay with me forever if I have this, but he won't love me", and "If I would have known you were taking medicine, we would not be here". I currently feel as though I have to hide my struggle, which is wrong! I should be able to lean on him and feel safe. But its just not like that unfortunately. One thing I tell my clients is that in order for them to heal, they must have a healing environment. I don't have that. I have to hide when I'm having a bad anxiety day. There are so many other things that he has done that just proves to me that I cannot rely on him when things get tough that I am now trying to figure out what to do. Here is an example: After I had my son, I woke up my husband in the middle of the night asking if he could wheel me to the NICU so I could feed our son. He told me no, ask the nurse. I told him that I wanted him to take me because I was in severe pain and the nurse couldn't go in with me and walk me to his incubator. He said no. So I went myself. That next morning I calmly confronted him about it and he said that I was selfish for waking him up and goes on to tell me that no wonder why I have no friends, I am too judgmental . Two weeks after this incident when we were back at our new house in the new city, he tells me he is going on a 6 day river trip with his buddies. I begged him not to go as we were in a new city, new house, I knew nobody, I was still healing, and I was adjusting to having 2 kids. He still went. These are just a few examples of how he is. We do have good times, but in the back of my mind I know he just wants me when I'm at my best, and that's not realistic. I want someone to love me and support me through the bad times as well as the good times.
If you have read up until this point, thank you. Please let me know what you all think.
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