Wow guess I have to start from the ginning to get to the crux of this issue.
I started dating him when I was 19. He is 14 yrs older. The night he first told me he loved me, he left to date another woman. That hurt...alot...and I guess it should have warned me then to give up. I didn't. He had sexual issues, has a complex about a small private and had problems keeping it up. Took it as a challenge, overcame it. Not the size, the quality but that was more focused on him. That was understandable, he was experiencing things he hadn't before so some selfishness was understandable. Fast forward a few months....I was pregnant. I did and still do love him. He didn't but insisted we marry, said if it didn't work out could divorce. Stupid immature girl in love agrees and thinks he will grow to love her. Is repaid by him denying their marriage even tho she is large with child. Didn't want work people to know.
Fast forward and child is born that he barely acknowledged and called "it". Always money issues.
Fast forward I grow up and grow a figural pair, start talking back start demanding to be seen and heard. Lots of problems but at 25 years I am told he finally can say truly loves me asks to marry again. (Doesn't follow thru thou). He has had several big surgeries by then, had a tumor that took away most natural hormones (read no testosterone). Most of marriage sexless and becomes more and more platonic. But also no touching, no cuddling, no physical gestures of affection. So obviously this marriage has obvious problems from get go.
Fast forward again. He is a collector and with each trauma, each surgery, each family death he collects more. Then is obviously obsessive compulsive hoarder who is happy that way. I am more and more miserable, house in further and further disrepair. Serious disrepair. Try to get him help and he sees psychologist, does not admit to hoarding, sees her every 6 months ha like that helps.
Suddenly he is taking testosterone. Becomes interested - talking a lot about sex but nothing happens at home. Starts telling ME his fantasies of licking the legs of the woman walking up stairs in front of him, grabbing a woman, burying his head in her hair and such...then out of the blue tells me the most passionate relationship in his life was homosexual. WTF?.. To be honest have always wondered if he was, his type is young girls who look like young boys and he mostly used to enjoy fellatio or my hand. I somehow weather that then tells me he had to leave a biz because he was unbelievably strongly attracted to the male clerk. Uhhhhh...
Fast forward, discover he is seeing other women, obviously trying to build an emotional relationship (not sexual the testosterone gave him desire but no follow thru). I don't know why but out of our entire marriage the fact he wants to non physically connect with these women is tearing me apart. Then, the ultimate! That one he went out with night he told me he loved me. His emails and texts with these wmoen sound like they are from a shy adolescent love sick suitor that thinks he is hiding that from them and him. Trust me, not.
Now the straw that broke the camels back. I have his phone and we are in the car and I start flipping thru his text msgs. He goes banans, pulls off, threatens to beat me (ha), finally admits there is an email I might "take the wrong way". Now he has my attention. He finally agrees to read it. It is to one of his lady friends and in it he tells he he is in love with that other woman!!!! Then claims he loves us both, loves me unbelievably deeply. And nothing will ever be between them because she is married too.
How the hell can I still love him? Can we possibly rebuild our life and create a real marriage after all this time? Am I nuts? There is definitey no way I will accept him loving us both, don't believe it is possible or that I can bear that. Right now don't believe he will stop seeing her, or any of them.
Help please I don't know what to do anymore I hate throwing away 37 years, lots of sacrifice, my youth, my life.....Supposedly it will be counseling and an informal separation. I have no money. I am unemployed, have no college behind me and having trouble finding a job. He says we have no money for me to move somewhere and no one has offered to let me stay for free. I even made a plea on fb. Still agrees to counseling.
I started dating him when I was 19. He is 14 yrs older. The night he first told me he loved me, he left to date another woman. That hurt...alot...and I guess it should have warned me then to give up. I didn't. He had sexual issues, has a complex about a small private and had problems keeping it up. Took it as a challenge, overcame it. Not the size, the quality but that was more focused on him. That was understandable, he was experiencing things he hadn't before so some selfishness was understandable. Fast forward a few months....I was pregnant. I did and still do love him. He didn't but insisted we marry, said if it didn't work out could divorce. Stupid immature girl in love agrees and thinks he will grow to love her. Is repaid by him denying their marriage even tho she is large with child. Didn't want work people to know.
Fast forward and child is born that he barely acknowledged and called "it". Always money issues.
Fast forward I grow up and grow a figural pair, start talking back start demanding to be seen and heard. Lots of problems but at 25 years I am told he finally can say truly loves me asks to marry again. (Doesn't follow thru thou). He has had several big surgeries by then, had a tumor that took away most natural hormones (read no testosterone). Most of marriage sexless and becomes more and more platonic. But also no touching, no cuddling, no physical gestures of affection. So obviously this marriage has obvious problems from get go.
Fast forward again. He is a collector and with each trauma, each surgery, each family death he collects more. Then is obviously obsessive compulsive hoarder who is happy that way. I am more and more miserable, house in further and further disrepair. Serious disrepair. Try to get him help and he sees psychologist, does not admit to hoarding, sees her every 6 months ha like that helps.
Suddenly he is taking testosterone. Becomes interested - talking a lot about sex but nothing happens at home. Starts telling ME his fantasies of licking the legs of the woman walking up stairs in front of him, grabbing a woman, burying his head in her hair and such...then out of the blue tells me the most passionate relationship in his life was homosexual. WTF?.. To be honest have always wondered if he was, his type is young girls who look like young boys and he mostly used to enjoy fellatio or my hand. I somehow weather that then tells me he had to leave a biz because he was unbelievably strongly attracted to the male clerk. Uhhhhh...
Fast forward, discover he is seeing other women, obviously trying to build an emotional relationship (not sexual the testosterone gave him desire but no follow thru). I don't know why but out of our entire marriage the fact he wants to non physically connect with these women is tearing me apart. Then, the ultimate! That one he went out with night he told me he loved me. His emails and texts with these wmoen sound like they are from a shy adolescent love sick suitor that thinks he is hiding that from them and him. Trust me, not.
Now the straw that broke the camels back. I have his phone and we are in the car and I start flipping thru his text msgs. He goes banans, pulls off, threatens to beat me (ha), finally admits there is an email I might "take the wrong way". Now he has my attention. He finally agrees to read it. It is to one of his lady friends and in it he tells he he is in love with that other woman!!!! Then claims he loves us both, loves me unbelievably deeply. And nothing will ever be between them because she is married too.
How the hell can I still love him? Can we possibly rebuild our life and create a real marriage after all this time? Am I nuts? There is definitey no way I will accept him loving us both, don't believe it is possible or that I can bear that. Right now don't believe he will stop seeing her, or any of them.
Help please I don't know what to do anymore I hate throwing away 37 years, lots of sacrifice, my youth, my life.....Supposedly it will be counseling and an informal separation. I have no money. I am unemployed, have no college behind me and having trouble finding a job. He says we have no money for me to move somewhere and no one has offered to let me stay for free. I even made a plea on fb. Still agrees to counseling.
Put the internet to work for you.
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