Hi everyone.
I have been reading this forum for around 2 years now and have followed some of the advice given to others with similar marriage problems to mine. But now I am at a loss and I don't really know what to do anymore.
My mind has been on overdrive for the last few weeks and I really dont want to make this into a long post so I will just let you know what has happened in these last few weeks which seems to have brought everything to a head.
Background- Married 20yrs, both mid 40's, 2 teen girls, SAHM, H works away (always has 32 yrs), moved from UK to OZ 5 yrs ago.
Everytime H comes home (for 3/4 weeks) we seem to have the same pattern. Affectionate, attentive, sex etc for the first 4/5 days. Then H starts drinking nearly every night 10/12 beers sometimes more but denies it and his anger is getting worse which nobody but me and the kids see. Has 1 night off a week because he wants sex (can't perform with alcohol) Spends hours by himself on his tablet playing freecell. I start to feel like his "mother" as he wont doesnt join in/be active with family life, responsibilities or decisions. I have the same conversation with him about what is going on and I get told "I'm fine" or dont get a reaction. But what he says and how he behaves dont make sense. This carries on, I feel hurt and on my own and eventually shut down until an argument, we talk, both try and for the last few days before he goes back to work we are like we are when he first comes home.
Well this time has been a bit different. H came home and we went away for a few days, just us on his suggestion, all went well. Came home and ok for a few days. Then the drinking started. I dont mind him having a few but he will have 2/3 beer to everyone else's 1 and maybe in 2 mouthfuls. His anger is getting worse when drinking too. Things had happened regarding him (sober) distancing himself, putting others first, etc that I just broke down like never before and it seemed that when spoke something maybe clicked in him and we both understand and promised to try.
A week later we were at friends and he was just gulping down beers. Saying stuff which he thought was funny but everyone else thought and said it wasn't. It was either sleezy or offensive. I just looked at him and shook my head. They needed someone to let in workmen and H said he would do it eventhough we had just finished talking about our daughters graduation ceremony the same day. I just looked at him in shock. The friends said "No you have things on" His expresion just said "ok the" looked at me and didnt speak. We came home and I started to cook tea. He mumbled something and I said I had everything I needed. He then came inside, stood in the kitchen, fists clenched, face tight, full of anger (which happens a lot now even having a general conversation) then he went outside to sit by himself. I left him 10 mins and went to see him. Maybe I shouldn't but I just need him to talk to me. He was so full of rage that when I mentioned how much he had to drink, he growled a t me "yeah and I will be drinking a lot more". I just calmly said "well I wont be sleeping in the same bed" (he has started to wet the bed again when drunk) I left him to it and he then threw his bottle against the shed. Stormed inside screaming at me, eyes wide, chest puffed. He went into our bedroom and I followed to ask what the hell was going on. He got in my face yelling at me that he had tried, it was and has always been my fault and that it was over. The next day he got up and acted as if nothing had happened. We had a family day planned but when the kids refused to go he pleaded and begged. We I spoke to him in the morning ( I was so hurt and in tears) about splitting up he asked me where I would go and then later said he din't mean it and it wasnt what he wanted, but no apology. He then became like a little boy overeager to please.
I was so hurt again that I just couldnt speak or even look at him. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor, for me. I told H and his reply was "Do you want me to go and see one". I said that was up to him, I am doing this for me. He is now back at work.
He phones on Skype everyday as usual, but it is very strained,more on my part, unlike previous times. I have my first counselling appointment on 8/1 and H is home on 9/1. We have a family holiday booked for 9 days on 14/1 which H asked me to book a few months ago. Our eldest daughter,17, has told me to leave him as he will never change but at the moment it really is not a option. When things are going well life is good but we seem to have hit a turning point. We have read "His needs, her needs" which helped, I think but that has been thrown back in my face. I have also read about passive aggression.
I have my faults too but I am so emotionally burnt out at the moment that things just seem to be a struggle. We have booked a trip back to the UK in 6 months (first since moving) which we both agreed on. I would really like to get some understanding of it all to make some decisions and try and be happy again so any advice would be greatly appreaciated.
Sorry this has became a long post but it has helped me to write it down. There is more to tell if it would help, just ask. Thanks for reading
I have been reading this forum for around 2 years now and have followed some of the advice given to others with similar marriage problems to mine. But now I am at a loss and I don't really know what to do anymore.
My mind has been on overdrive for the last few weeks and I really dont want to make this into a long post so I will just let you know what has happened in these last few weeks which seems to have brought everything to a head.
Background- Married 20yrs, both mid 40's, 2 teen girls, SAHM, H works away (always has 32 yrs), moved from UK to OZ 5 yrs ago.
Everytime H comes home (for 3/4 weeks) we seem to have the same pattern. Affectionate, attentive, sex etc for the first 4/5 days. Then H starts drinking nearly every night 10/12 beers sometimes more but denies it and his anger is getting worse which nobody but me and the kids see. Has 1 night off a week because he wants sex (can't perform with alcohol) Spends hours by himself on his tablet playing freecell. I start to feel like his "mother" as he wont doesnt join in/be active with family life, responsibilities or decisions. I have the same conversation with him about what is going on and I get told "I'm fine" or dont get a reaction. But what he says and how he behaves dont make sense. This carries on, I feel hurt and on my own and eventually shut down until an argument, we talk, both try and for the last few days before he goes back to work we are like we are when he first comes home.
Well this time has been a bit different. H came home and we went away for a few days, just us on his suggestion, all went well. Came home and ok for a few days. Then the drinking started. I dont mind him having a few but he will have 2/3 beer to everyone else's 1 and maybe in 2 mouthfuls. His anger is getting worse when drinking too. Things had happened regarding him (sober) distancing himself, putting others first, etc that I just broke down like never before and it seemed that when spoke something maybe clicked in him and we both understand and promised to try.
A week later we were at friends and he was just gulping down beers. Saying stuff which he thought was funny but everyone else thought and said it wasn't. It was either sleezy or offensive. I just looked at him and shook my head. They needed someone to let in workmen and H said he would do it eventhough we had just finished talking about our daughters graduation ceremony the same day. I just looked at him in shock. The friends said "No you have things on" His expresion just said "ok the" looked at me and didnt speak. We came home and I started to cook tea. He mumbled something and I said I had everything I needed. He then came inside, stood in the kitchen, fists clenched, face tight, full of anger (which happens a lot now even having a general conversation) then he went outside to sit by himself. I left him 10 mins and went to see him. Maybe I shouldn't but I just need him to talk to me. He was so full of rage that when I mentioned how much he had to drink, he growled a t me "yeah and I will be drinking a lot more". I just calmly said "well I wont be sleeping in the same bed" (he has started to wet the bed again when drunk) I left him to it and he then threw his bottle against the shed. Stormed inside screaming at me, eyes wide, chest puffed. He went into our bedroom and I followed to ask what the hell was going on. He got in my face yelling at me that he had tried, it was and has always been my fault and that it was over. The next day he got up and acted as if nothing had happened. We had a family day planned but when the kids refused to go he pleaded and begged. We I spoke to him in the morning ( I was so hurt and in tears) about splitting up he asked me where I would go and then later said he din't mean it and it wasnt what he wanted, but no apology. He then became like a little boy overeager to please.
I was so hurt again that I just couldnt speak or even look at him. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor, for me. I told H and his reply was "Do you want me to go and see one". I said that was up to him, I am doing this for me. He is now back at work.
He phones on Skype everyday as usual, but it is very strained,more on my part, unlike previous times. I have my first counselling appointment on 8/1 and H is home on 9/1. We have a family holiday booked for 9 days on 14/1 which H asked me to book a few months ago. Our eldest daughter,17, has told me to leave him as he will never change but at the moment it really is not a option. When things are going well life is good but we seem to have hit a turning point. We have read "His needs, her needs" which helped, I think but that has been thrown back in my face. I have also read about passive aggression.
I have my faults too but I am so emotionally burnt out at the moment that things just seem to be a struggle. We have booked a trip back to the UK in 6 months (first since moving) which we both agreed on. I would really like to get some understanding of it all to make some decisions and try and be happy again so any advice would be greatly appreaciated.
Sorry this has became a long post but it has helped me to write it down. There is more to tell if it would help, just ask. Thanks for reading
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