This is long, I'm sorry. I made a thread a maybe 2 weeks ago about my life and felt like the main thing I was asking advice on was overshadowed by other things I had written about in the thread. I think I put too much emphasis on our past marriage troubles and not enough about what I'm going through right now, which is what I was wanting help with. So I hope it's alright I try this again. I need someone to talk to.
To very briefly sum up my situation: My husband and I went a year without sex because of a lot of bad drama/stress. After that he was sexually abusive to me. That has stopped now, it hasn't happened in a year or so. This year we've been yo-yoing from "let's work it out" to me thinking divorce is the only way to go.
2 weeks ago was one of those divorce weeks. Now we're back to working it out. Right now we're working on the sexual part of it. I feel like I've gotten to the point of forgiveness for the way he treated me in the past. However, once it's bedtime I start to get anxious. He hints (rather obviously) that he wants sex. I take a shower, have an anxiety attack, try to talk myself into being courageous and put on a sexy outfit that he picked out. Once we get into the bedroom his awkward/cheesy sexual advances start and I'm stiff/distant because I feel uncomfortable and kind of scared even though he's not doing anything scary/forceful/mean in the slightest anymore. I can't get turned on, I don't get wet, I obviously don't orgasm. I've told my husband that we need to take it really slow and very simple while I emotionally recover. I would say about 50% of the time I get really scared and start crying during sex. It kind of hurts physically because I'm not wet, and then the pain trigge rs feelings of the past. We got lube and it's better but it still happens. The last few times we've done it I feel like he couldn't keep it just simple like I requested. He asked for anal, oral, 69 and said I should wear sexier things, moan, and generally be more engaged. This really hurt me. I want to be able to do all of that, but for now I'm trying to survive having sex at all. I feel like he isn't respecting me still because of that. I can barely get through vanilla sex without sobbing my heart out, how does he expect me to be a freak in bed? He does stop when I cry, and apologizes and takes care of me to make sure I'm okay. He asks if it hurts and slows down if I say yes, or if I tell him it's overwhelming me. So he is working with me on that part. I feel so humiliated when he tells me that I'm sexy looking but not doing anything "sexy". He brings it up during sex. Once I hear that I start sobbing again.
I even had a flashback when I put a freaking tampon in too fast last month. Do I have PTSD? I've gone to therapists but they've been ridiculously unhelpful. I've been going for a few years now and I've switched therapists several times, trying to find more helpful ones. What can I say to my husband to help him stay on the same page as me, even if I've already told him what I need? What can I do differently to make this work better? How can I relax or not have so many meltdowns? I don't cry about anything else, just about sex. I am so lost right now.
To very briefly sum up my situation: My husband and I went a year without sex because of a lot of bad drama/stress. After that he was sexually abusive to me. That has stopped now, it hasn't happened in a year or so. This year we've been yo-yoing from "let's work it out" to me thinking divorce is the only way to go.
2 weeks ago was one of those divorce weeks. Now we're back to working it out. Right now we're working on the sexual part of it. I feel like I've gotten to the point of forgiveness for the way he treated me in the past. However, once it's bedtime I start to get anxious. He hints (rather obviously) that he wants sex. I take a shower, have an anxiety attack, try to talk myself into being courageous and put on a sexy outfit that he picked out. Once we get into the bedroom his awkward/cheesy sexual advances start and I'm stiff/distant because I feel uncomfortable and kind of scared even though he's not doing anything scary/forceful/mean in the slightest anymore. I can't get turned on, I don't get wet, I obviously don't orgasm. I've told my husband that we need to take it really slow and very simple while I emotionally recover. I would say about 50% of the time I get really scared and start crying during sex. It kind of hurts physically because I'm not wet, and then the pain trigge rs feelings of the past. We got lube and it's better but it still happens. The last few times we've done it I feel like he couldn't keep it just simple like I requested. He asked for anal, oral, 69 and said I should wear sexier things, moan, and generally be more engaged. This really hurt me. I want to be able to do all of that, but for now I'm trying to survive having sex at all. I feel like he isn't respecting me still because of that. I can barely get through vanilla sex without sobbing my heart out, how does he expect me to be a freak in bed? He does stop when I cry, and apologizes and takes care of me to make sure I'm okay. He asks if it hurts and slows down if I say yes, or if I tell him it's overwhelming me. So he is working with me on that part. I feel so humiliated when he tells me that I'm sexy looking but not doing anything "sexy". He brings it up during sex. Once I hear that I start sobbing again.
I even had a flashback when I put a freaking tampon in too fast last month. Do I have PTSD? I've gone to therapists but they've been ridiculously unhelpful. I've been going for a few years now and I've switched therapists several times, trying to find more helpful ones. What can I say to my husband to help him stay on the same page as me, even if I've already told him what I need? What can I do differently to make this work better? How can I relax or not have so many meltdowns? I don't cry about anything else, just about sex. I am so lost right now.
Put the internet to work for you.
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