Been married to my wife Jessica going on 12 years now. Always had problems but we have worked through them. Just some back story here from 2012. I'm typing this on a tiny phone so I will try to keep it short.
Any advice is helpful. I know a lot of couples on TAM have stayed together after affairs and I am hoping me and my wife can. I guess you can described our marriage as different. It's not open but sometimes it seems to be open for her. She has a lot of guys chasing her. Now I have females chasing me but I have a habit of putting the brakes on their advances. Why because my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me. I know it's a double standard.
The only female I really talk to is Samantha and She is gay. We are basically best friends but she lives in Dallas. She knows I like her but I wouldn't even think to cross the line. She is also friends with by wife.
Yes they both like each other but they want to remain friends. It has occurred to me that being friends with her could have been a trigger that started our current problem.
So here is the back story. I posted this on another thread.
"My wife had a 5 year affair with someone I knew. Everything you said was exactly how my wife felt. I did everything I could to understand her feeling and needs, but she was never happy. For the longest I tried to get her to go to counseling and when we did she made everything my fault. She has said so many hurtful things I can't even remember all them.
Just 9 months ago she left me for the other guy after trying to commit suicide 7 days before. I had told her I wanted divorce because she wanted a 3 way relationship, I had no choice in the matter since she was already involved with the guy. She walk out on me and my kids and even had the guy come over to pack her stuff.
Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD. Anyway she came back after 5 months and she started therapy. The guy she was so in love with and she thought was her soulmate didn't love her they way she loved him.
She is still not happy at all even though I bend over backwards for her. I try my best to communicate with her and she just says I don't understand, it's always something different. Last night she told me that she was sexual unattractive to me and had not been for 5 years. She has also told me she didn't love me on many occasions and last night she said she loved me but would be Okay not ever having sex with me again.
Having an affair is what caused her to get to where she is at now. Even though I have done every thing possible to make her happy. I feel like it's All about her and none of my feelings matter. We will be going to marriage counseling soon and she wants me to get a therapist as well. I feel exactly how you feel inside but I still love her, I'm still sexually attracted to her and I want to try but I just don't know.
She said last night she doesn't love the other guy but she still needed the passionate sex from him because she wasn't getting it from me even though we have great sex. So that's were we are at, in her view we are growing apart. My view is nothing I do will ever be enough. What's so bad is our kids are noticing her being unhappy. I told her she should leave she doesn't want too."
Okay that was a little over 2 years ago. She dropped the guy after she realized it wasn't real. Went to counseling for a year and things got better(I got counseling as well). She was Happy and the depression had gotten better. A lot of our problems were sexual problems but that also seemed to improve.
She got a job a Wal-Mart and managed to become a CSM. That made things even get better for a while. So I thought things was going to be better from now on.
Everyone knows most pretty girls have guys at their job that want to get with them, flirt with them, and want to have sex with them. It's the same for attractive guys.
Well several guys became interested in her. She has been working there over a year and has known from the beginning which girls liked her. She also made several female friends so I encouraged her to be more social with them. One of the guys that was in her friends group started liking her which she knew that he liked her. At first she went to lunch together with her friends but as time passed over several months she just started going to lunch with this one guy.
I gave her my trust because our therapist said to build trust up we had to start trusting so I did. I knew he liked her but I trusted her not to encourage anything. I told her many times that she was in control of her own actions.
Over the past 2 months they have been going to lunch together every day that They work together which is every day. His schedule matches hers because he is her manager. I found out December 23 that they have been sexting. Took me a while to confirm it because I she deletes her messages often. I figured it out before but I believe in trusting her.
Neither one of us want to get a divorce so I know she wants to do better. They have been alone several times on lunch because most of the time they just sit in the car and eat. I don't know much more because I haven't asked. Yeah they probably could have already had sex which we wouldn't surprise me.
I would just like some input and advise really. I know she is on the beginning swing of a depression cycle because I have seen it before. I am really worried she is going to cause herself some more hurt and pain if she keeps this going.
I decided to seek advice after last night. She got sexually aroused and decided to masturbate. I was not the one that caused it but it was her sexting.
So that's what's going on. I guess I'm handling this better then most. I don't want to push the issue because she has been showing signs of depression. She cried all day on Christmas for No reason. Wouldn't call her Dad or Brother even though I offered to call and do most of the talking.
Any advice is helpful. I know a lot of couples on TAM have stayed together after affairs and I am hoping me and my wife can. I guess you can described our marriage as different. It's not open but sometimes it seems to be open for her. She has a lot of guys chasing her. Now I have females chasing me but I have a habit of putting the brakes on their advances. Why because my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me. I know it's a double standard.
The only female I really talk to is Samantha and She is gay. We are basically best friends but she lives in Dallas. She knows I like her but I wouldn't even think to cross the line. She is also friends with by wife.
Yes they both like each other but they want to remain friends. It has occurred to me that being friends with her could have been a trigger that started our current problem.
So here is the back story. I posted this on another thread.
"My wife had a 5 year affair with someone I knew. Everything you said was exactly how my wife felt. I did everything I could to understand her feeling and needs, but she was never happy. For the longest I tried to get her to go to counseling and when we did she made everything my fault. She has said so many hurtful things I can't even remember all them.
Just 9 months ago she left me for the other guy after trying to commit suicide 7 days before. I had told her I wanted divorce because she wanted a 3 way relationship, I had no choice in the matter since she was already involved with the guy. She walk out on me and my kids and even had the guy come over to pack her stuff.
Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD. Anyway she came back after 5 months and she started therapy. The guy she was so in love with and she thought was her soulmate didn't love her they way she loved him.
She is still not happy at all even though I bend over backwards for her. I try my best to communicate with her and she just says I don't understand, it's always something different. Last night she told me that she was sexual unattractive to me and had not been for 5 years. She has also told me she didn't love me on many occasions and last night she said she loved me but would be Okay not ever having sex with me again.
Having an affair is what caused her to get to where she is at now. Even though I have done every thing possible to make her happy. I feel like it's All about her and none of my feelings matter. We will be going to marriage counseling soon and she wants me to get a therapist as well. I feel exactly how you feel inside but I still love her, I'm still sexually attracted to her and I want to try but I just don't know.
She said last night she doesn't love the other guy but she still needed the passionate sex from him because she wasn't getting it from me even though we have great sex. So that's were we are at, in her view we are growing apart. My view is nothing I do will ever be enough. What's so bad is our kids are noticing her being unhappy. I told her she should leave she doesn't want too."
Okay that was a little over 2 years ago. She dropped the guy after she realized it wasn't real. Went to counseling for a year and things got better(I got counseling as well). She was Happy and the depression had gotten better. A lot of our problems were sexual problems but that also seemed to improve.
She got a job a Wal-Mart and managed to become a CSM. That made things even get better for a while. So I thought things was going to be better from now on.
Everyone knows most pretty girls have guys at their job that want to get with them, flirt with them, and want to have sex with them. It's the same for attractive guys.
Well several guys became interested in her. She has been working there over a year and has known from the beginning which girls liked her. She also made several female friends so I encouraged her to be more social with them. One of the guys that was in her friends group started liking her which she knew that he liked her. At first she went to lunch together with her friends but as time passed over several months she just started going to lunch with this one guy.
I gave her my trust because our therapist said to build trust up we had to start trusting so I did. I knew he liked her but I trusted her not to encourage anything. I told her many times that she was in control of her own actions.
Over the past 2 months they have been going to lunch together every day that They work together which is every day. His schedule matches hers because he is her manager. I found out December 23 that they have been sexting. Took me a while to confirm it because I she deletes her messages often. I figured it out before but I believe in trusting her.
Neither one of us want to get a divorce so I know she wants to do better. They have been alone several times on lunch because most of the time they just sit in the car and eat. I don't know much more because I haven't asked. Yeah they probably could have already had sex which we wouldn't surprise me.
I would just like some input and advise really. I know she is on the beginning swing of a depression cycle because I have seen it before. I am really worried she is going to cause herself some more hurt and pain if she keeps this going.
I decided to seek advice after last night. She got sexually aroused and decided to masturbate. I was not the one that caused it but it was her sexting.
So that's what's going on. I guess I'm handling this better then most. I don't want to push the issue because she has been showing signs of depression. She cried all day on Christmas for No reason. Wouldn't call her Dad or Brother even though I offered to call and do most of the talking.
Put the internet to work for you.
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