Empathy

Could anyone direct me to a reference (link) for a definition of "empathy" that a marriage guidance counsellor would use? I am currently seeing a marriage guidance therapist who argues that empathy is not "putting yourself [emotionally] in another person's shoes." Here is a transcript of one interaction that I had with him: "one of the things that you have emphasized from the first session is this way you look at things … if you were in my shoes. You know. Mmm, and that's certainly a valid way to talk about things but its not the only way to … mmm … look at things. And, … mmm … what I sometimes see that as, as your way of trying to get the other person to adopt your point of view. And, its very hard to describe the difference but … mmm … first of all you're not and no one is in the other person's shoes ever and I'm not saying it is invalid to think about things that way but really what I think is really important is to … mmm … try to understand the other person in their shoes … that is what I think is important and I think … I think what you are trying to get at through that method is empathy … you certainly want empathy, if you were in my shoes, you want empathy, but I think in doing that you sometimes don't display empathy." His logic seems circular to me [and I think that I should stop seeing him]. Isn't it circular to suggest that by asking for someone to see things from my perspective that I am not displaying empathy (I can see how this might be relevant if it is used in the form of an accusation, but in a general sense what is empathy but "walking in other people's shoes" (emotionally)? If I have a blind spot about this, I would appreciate it if someone could help me to see it. Thanks in advance!!

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