As I sit here consumed by how I'm going to tell my husband that I'm unhappy with our sex life, I once again feel that pain in my stomach and chest. It's amazing to me, the more I think about it, how much my sexless marriage has affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.
When I think about asking my husband for sex, my chest tightens and it takes everything in me just to breathe deeply. It feels like weight on my chest. My stomach...burns. I think it feels like ulcers but I don't know. I get that weak feeling in the pit of my torso...maybe like I have to go to the bathroom. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I used to be a somewhat positive person. I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. I can't watch loves scenes in movies or tv shows - I feel too awkward, like I did as a teenager when a tampon commercial would come on tv and you're sitting in the room with your brother and his friends. You know what I mean? I feel embarrassed. I had a certain joie de vive that that is no longer existent. I am not the same person.
I have become a short tempered,hot headed, beyotch for lack of a better word. I find I'm irritated by things that I normally would take in stride. I find that when people act stupid, my reaction is unreasonable. I have no patience anymore. I have become not a very nice person. This makes my stomach ache. I will lie to avoid confrontation. For instance my husband will ask me what's wrong and I'll say something like my back is really bothering me instead of I'm sexually frustrated.
I wonder how much or if living in a sexless marriage has prolonged my severe chronic pain. Is it possible that normal human interaction could have allowed me years and years ago, to suffer less? And why did I allow this man that I'm in love with to continue to reject me year after year after year? Instead of nipping this problem of denying sex in the bud, I internalized it and now I'm paying for it. This is my fault...not my no drive low drive husband. He doesn't even know there is a problem.
I have learned how to be manipulative in order to protect myself. I want to give my husband a video to watch about sexless marriages but I need to warm him up to it first. So this morning I started watching different ted talks because I knew he would ask what I was doing. See now in few days I can say hey I saw this video and would you mind giving it a listen?
The idea of spending the remainder of my married life as I have spent the last 14 years makes me nauseous. I can feel the crocodile tears welling up as I think of repeatedly asking for physical intimacy and repeatedly being told no with the occasional yes. And there's that weighty feeling in my chest again. I feel like such a bad person even though I know I'm not.
When I think about asking my husband for sex, my chest tightens and it takes everything in me just to breathe deeply. It feels like weight on my chest. My stomach...burns. I think it feels like ulcers but I don't know. I get that weak feeling in the pit of my torso...maybe like I have to go to the bathroom. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I used to be a somewhat positive person. I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. I can't watch loves scenes in movies or tv shows - I feel too awkward, like I did as a teenager when a tampon commercial would come on tv and you're sitting in the room with your brother and his friends. You know what I mean? I feel embarrassed. I had a certain joie de vive that that is no longer existent. I am not the same person.
I have become a short tempered,hot headed, beyotch for lack of a better word. I find I'm irritated by things that I normally would take in stride. I find that when people act stupid, my reaction is unreasonable. I have no patience anymore. I have become not a very nice person. This makes my stomach ache. I will lie to avoid confrontation. For instance my husband will ask me what's wrong and I'll say something like my back is really bothering me instead of I'm sexually frustrated.
I wonder how much or if living in a sexless marriage has prolonged my severe chronic pain. Is it possible that normal human interaction could have allowed me years and years ago, to suffer less? And why did I allow this man that I'm in love with to continue to reject me year after year after year? Instead of nipping this problem of denying sex in the bud, I internalized it and now I'm paying for it. This is my fault...not my no drive low drive husband. He doesn't even know there is a problem.
I have learned how to be manipulative in order to protect myself. I want to give my husband a video to watch about sexless marriages but I need to warm him up to it first. So this morning I started watching different ted talks because I knew he would ask what I was doing. See now in few days I can say hey I saw this video and would you mind giving it a listen?
The idea of spending the remainder of my married life as I have spent the last 14 years makes me nauseous. I can feel the crocodile tears welling up as I think of repeatedly asking for physical intimacy and repeatedly being told no with the occasional yes. And there's that weighty feeling in my chest again. I feel like such a bad person even though I know I'm not.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment