My life is a mess. Or am I mess?

Long story: I've met my husband when I was 17. I did not like him at first but my best friend was dating his cousin and I was seeing him often. We dated for couple of days, then I broke it with him and later on, we started again. I experienced my first kiss and everything with him. Looking back – after 14 years – it was so no "perfect" relationship and he did things I would never tolerate as I did when I was young. He smoked and was selling marihuana. He would go out party with guys while I was sleeping in his parents' house and waiting for him. He played tennis with strange girl on our vacation just because I did not want to and he liked her attention. Three years later, we were married. I wanted it back then because I loved him, we were together long enough and everyone expected it from us. We had issues thought. I remember him being addicted to gambling and slots machines. He would go to the pub to play while I was stupidly sitting in his car for about hour waiting for him. But everyone always said that my man is the best. I believe he was but it was different story in our marriage. His dad was always criticizing his mother and that's what I was getting after short time. I did not know how to deal with it. We both called each other names and were disrespectful to each other. I remember throwing my wedding ring in our living room and him pushing me to the floor to pick it up and put it back on my finger. I did not want to, so he sat on me and made me to put it on. I felt so little after that. I know I did mistake for disrespecting our wedding vows but him sitting on my back while lying on the floor was just too much. Few years later, we moved to another continent. It was just me and him and couple friends we knew. I did not speak their language, could not drive and was completely dependent on him. There was no support though. He would make me feel so stupid for learning slowly everything what was new for me. Three years later I was very depressed. No understanding. He was laughing into my face when I told him how bad I felt and he asked if I forgot my pill because I acted crazy. Anytime I told him that he pushes me away with name callings, criticism, no attention and support, he would not take me seriously. He would say he has no problem, I do. He is happy, our marriage is just fine. I went to individual counseling. After that, I became stronger. I started to believe in myself and not to blame me for everything what went wrong before or because he said it was my fault. . He did not like my independence. He was emotionally abusive with some physical abuse involved but I did not know it before. I really believed it was me all this time and I deserved it. It has been 14 years and I don't know what to do. I am almost 32 years old, with no kids and sitting on the fence for not knowing what I want in my life. I think about leaving him for so long but can't find strength to do so. I am afraid I will never find someone as good as he is or that I will stay alone forever. He is good man, but we are not the best couple. We do not play same team most of the time. We went for MC last 7 months. He is doing better but I am afraid it is too late for me. When things were really bad, I escaped from reality to fantasy world – dreaming about finding someone who will love me and value me for who I am. It was never sex, sex – it was emotional intimacy I dreamed about. When I was very low, I met a guy and did my biggest mistake. I thought I loved him. He was older than me and permanently impotent. I met him couple of times, kept in touch through net for couple of years which gave me more pain than joy. It was terrible mistake, nothing more and it is killing me from inside. I don't blame my husband and I would never do even though we had our problems, he did not push me to go that way. All I know now is that being unfaithful was no way to go, it complicated everything and made me feel guilty for things I was not responsible for and had nothing to do with it. I don't know what to do at this point. Our MC said – my husband and I are very different. We have different views and values and do not communicate in right way. I am trying my best while he keeps saying I do nothing and he does all job which is not true. He can't even admit he did mistakes in the past. I am so confused… I told myself I will do my best until New Year. I hope I will know by then if I want to stay in our marriage, have a family and keep going. But what if I won't know? I am afraid… I keep thinking about it every single day… Is there any hope for this mess? Is there any hope for me?

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