Husband lied and trying to rebuild...

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We are in the same industry and both have great jobs. He owns his own business and was looking to replace one of his employees. He wanted to hire a particular woman and I said I would prefer him not. He said ok and seemed fine with it. About a month later, I got off work early and stopped by his work. I go inside and see this woman sitting in the office! I was blown away – he let me walk right into that. I was calm and left and asked him to call me when he could. I didn't hear from him until 4 hours later. By the time he called I had already been in his email and found out that he had interviewed her the morning after he asked me about her. She sent a thank you note from her interview with her phone number on it. So I checked the bill and saw that he had been talking to her for about a month. She had worked there for about 2 weeks. I was stunned because my husband is not a liar and this is so out of character. During the last month he told me he was still recruiting. In fact, over dinner a week earlier, he actually told me the person he was looking to replace was doing a better job! Little did I know that he had already fired him and this woman took his spot. When my husband came home that night, he thought I was upset because she was a female. That is not my issue; I am a female in a male dominated industry so I have no issue with that. My problem was with who it was. She is in my industry and my customers tell me she is trouble! The bigger issue is that my husband lied to my face and he did it with ease. When I started asking him why he did this – he got mad at me. This came out of left field. He said he was not putting up with this and left and stayed with his dad. I didn't hear from him for 3 days. I was so hurt. When we finally talked I tried to explain my point of view and how it damaged my trust in him. I wanted to understand why he thought that was his best option. He said she is just an employee and it is his business and he will do what he wants. I said even at the cost of our marriage and he said yes. I will never understand the sneakiness. We went to counseling and he still never saw my point of view. I asked him if he would let her go and he refused. I found that so bizarre! He said that he was a grown man and I would not "tell him what to do". I do not believe that he has been unfaithful and I know he has no interest in her. If I want to stay married to him, I have to accept that this is how it is. That was 1 ½ years ago. I have hung in there and it has been a roller coaster. When we argue he will threaten me with divorce. She used to send him early and late texts and the counselor would tell my husband he has to set boundaries and he had to do that 5 times with this woman. It is only 3 of them in the office. This woman has had 2 other people in the office quit so it is just her and my husband in the office. My husband had his daughter work at the shop last summer. His children knew the damage the lie caused in our marriage. He asked his daughter to keep our family business private but this woman strongly pursued a friendship with her – even to the point of exchanging "love you" on Facebook. She inserted herself into my husband's life by becoming friendly with my husband's father and friends. Unfortunately, she knows way too much about her role in our rocky marriage. It is very strange. When his daughter went back to college, he said he may not replace the position. I didn't know, but he was lying to me again. He had hired this woman's best friend! 6 months into our counseling and he did the same thing! The only difference was the morning she was starting, he told me the truth. I forgave him again but it negated all the progress we made. That was a year ago. My husband has given me passwords to everything but I don't want to live like that. I travel 50% of the time for work and don't want to worry about what is going on back home. He has a responsibility-free life on the home front because I am rarely home. When we got married he moved into my home so there in no "honey do" list and I put no demands on him. The kids stay with their dad when I travel. He doesn't like to come home to an empty house so he is out late with his friends during the week. I am home on the weekends, but he still goes to the shop with his friends on Saturdays. I get Sunday's. So if we are not getting along, it is my loss. We had a good stretch for the past 10 months as long as I don't question anything and accept that this woman will stay working there. When my husband and I argue, he is a hothead and his entire shop knows, including this woman. This past summer, my husband's daughter worked at his shop again and they picked up their friendship. The Facebook thing is ridiculous. I told my husband I felt it is inappropriate and he flew off the handle and told me he wants a divorce. He said he can't tell his daughter who to be friends with. He called all of his friends and daughters and told them to unfriend me on Facebook because I was being immature about this woman. All his friends told him that he was being unreasonable. It was embarrassing! He could have just asked his daughter one on one to stop the friendship with this woman if he really didn't want her in our family business. My husband refuses to see it for what it is. He says I am being immature and that she is just a co-worker. I tell him that it is not normal for co-workers to text after hours, say "I love you" to their boss's kids and be flirty/friendly with their boss's friends/family. None of his other employees do that. He says I am controlling and that I just want "to win" and that if I really trusted him this wouldn't be an issue. He says I am the problem and that I should not care what he does. At the end of July, on our first day of vacation, he had a missed call from her husband. I thought it was strange and asked why he would be calling. I asked him to call him back to find out what he wanted. He refused. I told him that it would make me feel better and that is what the counselor always encouraged. I didn't know why her husband would be calling and thought maybe it was to tell him to stay away from his wife. My husband was adamant about not calling him back. The next morning, he went crazy. He told me he wanted a divorce and that he couldn't believe that I was mad over a guy calling him. He said he has no control over who calls him. I told him of course he doesn't but that wasn't the issue. His lack of concern over my feeling and his cold hearted behavior was troubling. For me to accept the situation as is and he not be willing to make a phone call was disappointing. He screamed at me in front of his daughters and told me I was a whack job that I needed help; he wanted a divorce, etc. I tried to calm him down by saying how would you feel if a man was talking to your daughters the way you are talking to me but he didn't care. It was horrible. Calling me names, etc. I had my sons and 2 of their friends with us but they did not hear him (I was on the phone). I left our house and stayed in another for the rest of the trip. I was afraid that he would blow up in front of my children and they would have never been able to recover from that. When we returned from vacation things settled down. There is a lot of damage. My boys hate the way he treats me. My family and friends have recently said so too. They say, if they knew they had caused their spouse so much pain, they would take away the source of the pain. They question why he is not willing to do that for me, as do I. Overall, I believe he is a good person, but doesn't know how to have an honest relationship. I know he is not a cheater but his omission makes him seem sneaky. Then when he is questioned or pressed for the truth, he blows up and threatens divorce. In retrospect I don't think he ever told the whole truth about situations and perhaps the situation 1 ½ years ago opened my eyes. He has done a good job of keeping his shop life and friends from me. I don't always want to wonder if I am getting the whole story. Also, his unwillingness to want to take a painful situation out of our marriage speaks volumes. 90% of our arguments are over this woman, escalate to harsh words and ultimately the threat of divorce. He has wanted to get me to not care about what he does and I am at the point where I really don't. Can you offer an opinion or tell me if I am overreacting which may help shed some light on this. Thanks so much.

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