so, i have been thinking, what is the best way to deal with codependency? its really easy to just tell someone to stop hanging their emotional well being on someone else, but its nearly impossible for them to understand how to actually DO it.
and to be honest, im not sure we should be saying that. i mean, whats the problem with codependency? those of us who are experiencing the most profound joy in a relationship are pretty codependent as well, the only difference is that our partners are giving us the things that make us feel good. in other words, the reason we are so happy is because we constantly get the codependent reward. we are happy because we can make our partners happy.
but its more than that i think... its not just because we made our partners happy, its because they acknowledge that we made them happy.
that above sentence is a double edged sword. on one hand, its saying that we have our efforts acknowledged, which is validating. its actually any healthy human would want, so whats the issue? that first italicized word is commonly sought after by all of humanity. we all love to have our efforts acknowledged.
its the second word in italics. this word, made, connotes a lot. it means that we have the power to affect people. it means that we are important and intimately connected to others. the last word in the sentence is what gives us the validation. we already know that we are important, because our efforts are acknowledged. and we are empowered by the belief of the second italicized word. the last word? that gives us self worth. its the culmination of our "purpose", which is to make others happy. to know that we can cause joy. in other words, to love.
so how is that bad? personally, i dont think most of it is. i think most of it is absolutely beautiful... except for one part. we have no power. we cannot make anyone do or feel anything. its impossible. we can provide them the situation which is easiest for them to feel the a certain way, but we cannot make them feel it. anyone at any time can choose to ignore their partners efforts. there may be an issue that weighs heavily on their mind, or they could just be daydreaming, off in lala land. its rarely, if ever, a conscious decision to ignore the efforts, but it happens quite often. we all assign varying degrees of urgency to various stimuli, and if responding to an act of kindness is of least importance at the moment, we ignore it until a later time, when its the most important thing in front of us. of course, human nature being what it is, we forget about it as we go about our day.
the biggest problem isnt just that we codependent people think we can make people feel a certain way though. the problem is that we think our intentions can make them feel how we want them to feel. its a deeply ingrained belief that we know what our partners intentions are and they know ours. its a problem because none of us can read minds. the best we can do is guess.
---continued-----
and to be honest, im not sure we should be saying that. i mean, whats the problem with codependency? those of us who are experiencing the most profound joy in a relationship are pretty codependent as well, the only difference is that our partners are giving us the things that make us feel good. in other words, the reason we are so happy is because we constantly get the codependent reward. we are happy because we can make our partners happy.
but its more than that i think... its not just because we made our partners happy, its because they acknowledge that we made them happy.
that above sentence is a double edged sword. on one hand, its saying that we have our efforts acknowledged, which is validating. its actually any healthy human would want, so whats the issue? that first italicized word is commonly sought after by all of humanity. we all love to have our efforts acknowledged.
its the second word in italics. this word, made, connotes a lot. it means that we have the power to affect people. it means that we are important and intimately connected to others. the last word in the sentence is what gives us the validation. we already know that we are important, because our efforts are acknowledged. and we are empowered by the belief of the second italicized word. the last word? that gives us self worth. its the culmination of our "purpose", which is to make others happy. to know that we can cause joy. in other words, to love.
so how is that bad? personally, i dont think most of it is. i think most of it is absolutely beautiful... except for one part. we have no power. we cannot make anyone do or feel anything. its impossible. we can provide them the situation which is easiest for them to feel the a certain way, but we cannot make them feel it. anyone at any time can choose to ignore their partners efforts. there may be an issue that weighs heavily on their mind, or they could just be daydreaming, off in lala land. its rarely, if ever, a conscious decision to ignore the efforts, but it happens quite often. we all assign varying degrees of urgency to various stimuli, and if responding to an act of kindness is of least importance at the moment, we ignore it until a later time, when its the most important thing in front of us. of course, human nature being what it is, we forget about it as we go about our day.
the biggest problem isnt just that we codependent people think we can make people feel a certain way though. the problem is that we think our intentions can make them feel how we want them to feel. its a deeply ingrained belief that we know what our partners intentions are and they know ours. its a problem because none of us can read minds. the best we can do is guess.
---continued-----
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