I started to write a topic and I am unsure if it posted. A little background . I have been married 18 years. My husband would lose it once in awhile and hit me and verbally attack me and put me down. Most of the time he gave me a very special love that felt so good that I would put up with his very 3 to 5 month out burst.
we were best friends and attached at the hip. I became depressed and he lost it. Almost daily he is hitting , kicking or even choking me. He had never choked me in the past. Also as sad as this sounds I would forgive him for hurting me. Today is the first day that I have not forgiven him yet. He slapped me so hard that he hurt my neck. He also wrote me a sorry note which he has not said sorry now in 5 years but a few times, this sorry he gave me could be because I didn't say anything after he he slapped me. Use to I cry or tell him how he hurt me or go on with what we were fighting about, but this time I just sat in the car. The car is my place I spend a lot of time in I also sleep in my car when I am kicked out by or scared of him.
I feel like the nothing he tells and I for the life of can't leave him. This is sad to but he tells he doesn't respect me, he spent all of the money I got from a settlement that was to go to help me to get better, by telling me that I was controlling him and he would bully me for it. He keeps sex from me now. I need that to feel bonded but that is gone now. He calls me the ugliest of names and he tells me how lazy and crazy I am. When he does this I cry. I cry everyday. I cry so much that the corners of my mouth can not heal from being hydrated. He tells me things about the way I look. But dang if I will not jump at the chance of any type of affection from him.
I can't even think of how I can hold a job. I hate myself for all of this. The mental abuse has made me a nothing. The physical abuse are just throbbed reminders that I am a nothing because for some reason I am the loser that is staying with him. I want him to stop hurting me and I want a big hug from him and a huge sorry with a promise never to do anything like this to me again. I am trash for staying with him and I make it worse for myself because I loose control and and yell at him or look like a crazy lady to anyone saw me because I am so tired that I'll loose and yell at him all crazy like.
I get so lonely that I will lay down next him after he feels askeep. I can't help it. I have no more friends I stay away from my family because I can't look them in the eye due to my shame of being able not to leave him.
I need help. I really do. There is something wrong with me. I'm more scared to leave them than stay. This all my fault. Please someone help me to build my self esteem to leave and be safe. I know that it is going to be easy for people to say leave him, but I already know this. What do I do. How I leave a man that is doing this to me and yet I feel like I am betraying him right now for writing this.
we were best friends and attached at the hip. I became depressed and he lost it. Almost daily he is hitting , kicking or even choking me. He had never choked me in the past. Also as sad as this sounds I would forgive him for hurting me. Today is the first day that I have not forgiven him yet. He slapped me so hard that he hurt my neck. He also wrote me a sorry note which he has not said sorry now in 5 years but a few times, this sorry he gave me could be because I didn't say anything after he he slapped me. Use to I cry or tell him how he hurt me or go on with what we were fighting about, but this time I just sat in the car. The car is my place I spend a lot of time in I also sleep in my car when I am kicked out by or scared of him.
I feel like the nothing he tells and I for the life of can't leave him. This is sad to but he tells he doesn't respect me, he spent all of the money I got from a settlement that was to go to help me to get better, by telling me that I was controlling him and he would bully me for it. He keeps sex from me now. I need that to feel bonded but that is gone now. He calls me the ugliest of names and he tells me how lazy and crazy I am. When he does this I cry. I cry everyday. I cry so much that the corners of my mouth can not heal from being hydrated. He tells me things about the way I look. But dang if I will not jump at the chance of any type of affection from him.
I can't even think of how I can hold a job. I hate myself for all of this. The mental abuse has made me a nothing. The physical abuse are just throbbed reminders that I am a nothing because for some reason I am the loser that is staying with him. I want him to stop hurting me and I want a big hug from him and a huge sorry with a promise never to do anything like this to me again. I am trash for staying with him and I make it worse for myself because I loose control and and yell at him or look like a crazy lady to anyone saw me because I am so tired that I'll loose and yell at him all crazy like.
I get so lonely that I will lay down next him after he feels askeep. I can't help it. I have no more friends I stay away from my family because I can't look them in the eye due to my shame of being able not to leave him.
I need help. I really do. There is something wrong with me. I'm more scared to leave them than stay. This all my fault. Please someone help me to build my self esteem to leave and be safe. I know that it is going to be easy for people to say leave him, but I already know this. What do I do. How I leave a man that is doing this to me and yet I feel like I am betraying him right now for writing this.
Put the internet to work for you.
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