My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for about 5. When we were dating, my wife was in the military, and I was aware that she had a "hard" exterior, but always made a point of leaving that at work, and being very loving and caring. However, things have changed pretty dramatically in the past 2 years.
She has begun treating me with a great amount of disrespect and disgust. Much of it surrounds having conversations where we may or may not agree on elements of the conversation. We have disagreed about things in the past 2 years (in my opinion, it has been in reference to extremely inconsequential things...i.e. Whether the Minnesota Vikings should have traded Adrian Peterson after his 2000 yard season several years ago - in my mind, in the grand scheme of things, who cares if we disagree?), however, it has resulted in her becoming enraged to the point of physical violence. Consequently, when she brings up a topic where I have a fairly strong feeling that we will wind up disagreeing, my guard goes up, because I think of these past incidents, and I balk at such conversations. Now, me hesitating at engaging in the conversations results in her becoming enraged. I've tried to explain my point of view, that I will happily engage in adult conversations with her (I would actuall y like to!), but our marriage needs to be a "safe" place (for lack of a better term) for us to just simply have a conversation without all of the anger. The responses that I've gotten when I've raised that issue have ranged from her calling me a pus*y, to her telling me that her tampons are in the bottom drawer and I should use one, to her calling me a little b*tch.
Another element of her becoming enraged is that after she gets done with her ridicule, etc, etc, she "runs away" (at least that's how I see it...she would disagree about the terminology) and goes several states away to her parents house. For example, most recently, she and I were at dinner last Friday night (6 days ago). The issue came up of where we were going to move when our lease expires in about 6 months. She's been lobbying for us to move near her parents, and I've been resisting, since it would require me giving up my good job, and moving to a small town in the south with few job prospects for me within 100 miles. Consequently, I hesitated at the conversation going down that road. That threw her into a fury, she stormed out of the restaurant, all the while calling me every name in the book. Within 30 minutes, had a flight booked to her parent's state, and was out the door toward the airport. 4 days later she returned, and is still mad. It's now been 6 days, and she's told me that she's leaving after Christmas, that I'm not worth even trying to work on things with, that I'm the world biggest P.O.S., that she can't stand the sight of me, etc.
My amateur analysis for what it's worth:
-Last fall, she attended personal counseling, and also saw a doctor, who prescribed some anti-depression medication. She took the medication for about 2 months last fall and the difference was night and day. The eruptions of anger were really smoothed out, and life was fantastic, and she commented a number of times that she never thought she could be so happy. She stopped taking the medication after two months because her mom convinced her that it would turn her into a zombie on medication. I've asked several times since then that she start back up on it, but she has angrily refused.
-I see much of the problem coming from her mom (see example above). For example, I've never in my life seen a spouse treat their significant other with the amount of disgust and disrespect as her mom treats her husband. She despises him, and treats him like he isn't worth the dog dung that she just stepped in. Consequently, the more my wife is around her mom, the more I see her acting in a similar manner (and treating me in a similar manner). I'm not trying to keep her from her mom, but at the same time, it seems to be a very toxic relationship.
All of that to say, I find myself at a crossroads:
-Part of me wants this marriage to work out simply because I committed to it, and when it's going well, it's going very well. And I was given a ray of hope when she was on medication last fall, and I keep holding out hope for that.
-The other part of me thinks that nobody deserves to be treated how I'm treated, called the names that I'm called, and treated with such contempt. This part of me thinks that I should get out of this at all costs, that there's no hope here, and that no one deserves this.
I'm leaning toward the latter, but perhaps I'm just hurt. I would appreciate any thoughts of how you would handle things.
Thanks!
She has begun treating me with a great amount of disrespect and disgust. Much of it surrounds having conversations where we may or may not agree on elements of the conversation. We have disagreed about things in the past 2 years (in my opinion, it has been in reference to extremely inconsequential things...i.e. Whether the Minnesota Vikings should have traded Adrian Peterson after his 2000 yard season several years ago - in my mind, in the grand scheme of things, who cares if we disagree?), however, it has resulted in her becoming enraged to the point of physical violence. Consequently, when she brings up a topic where I have a fairly strong feeling that we will wind up disagreeing, my guard goes up, because I think of these past incidents, and I balk at such conversations. Now, me hesitating at engaging in the conversations results in her becoming enraged. I've tried to explain my point of view, that I will happily engage in adult conversations with her (I would actuall y like to!), but our marriage needs to be a "safe" place (for lack of a better term) for us to just simply have a conversation without all of the anger. The responses that I've gotten when I've raised that issue have ranged from her calling me a pus*y, to her telling me that her tampons are in the bottom drawer and I should use one, to her calling me a little b*tch.
Another element of her becoming enraged is that after she gets done with her ridicule, etc, etc, she "runs away" (at least that's how I see it...she would disagree about the terminology) and goes several states away to her parents house. For example, most recently, she and I were at dinner last Friday night (6 days ago). The issue came up of where we were going to move when our lease expires in about 6 months. She's been lobbying for us to move near her parents, and I've been resisting, since it would require me giving up my good job, and moving to a small town in the south with few job prospects for me within 100 miles. Consequently, I hesitated at the conversation going down that road. That threw her into a fury, she stormed out of the restaurant, all the while calling me every name in the book. Within 30 minutes, had a flight booked to her parent's state, and was out the door toward the airport. 4 days later she returned, and is still mad. It's now been 6 days, and she's told me that she's leaving after Christmas, that I'm not worth even trying to work on things with, that I'm the world biggest P.O.S., that she can't stand the sight of me, etc.
My amateur analysis for what it's worth:
-Last fall, she attended personal counseling, and also saw a doctor, who prescribed some anti-depression medication. She took the medication for about 2 months last fall and the difference was night and day. The eruptions of anger were really smoothed out, and life was fantastic, and she commented a number of times that she never thought she could be so happy. She stopped taking the medication after two months because her mom convinced her that it would turn her into a zombie on medication. I've asked several times since then that she start back up on it, but she has angrily refused.
-I see much of the problem coming from her mom (see example above). For example, I've never in my life seen a spouse treat their significant other with the amount of disgust and disrespect as her mom treats her husband. She despises him, and treats him like he isn't worth the dog dung that she just stepped in. Consequently, the more my wife is around her mom, the more I see her acting in a similar manner (and treating me in a similar manner). I'm not trying to keep her from her mom, but at the same time, it seems to be a very toxic relationship.
All of that to say, I find myself at a crossroads:
-Part of me wants this marriage to work out simply because I committed to it, and when it's going well, it's going very well. And I was given a ray of hope when she was on medication last fall, and I keep holding out hope for that.
-The other part of me thinks that nobody deserves to be treated how I'm treated, called the names that I'm called, and treated with such contempt. This part of me thinks that I should get out of this at all costs, that there's no hope here, and that no one deserves this.
I'm leaning toward the latter, but perhaps I'm just hurt. I would appreciate any thoughts of how you would handle things.
Thanks!
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