I posted before about my situation, I honestly didn't "hear what I wanted to hear," and "walked" away from the thread.
I realize that my situation is not unique, but I am hoping to get some good input.
When everything began, the OW was my DH's XW... they have a daughter together...
Because of their daughter, I know that in some way they will "have" to remain in contact with one another, at least until she is no longer a minor/legally an adult. (Possibly longer if she decides to pursue higher education.)
Some facts/with some personal feelings mixed in:
1) DH wrote his XW a letter late 2010 mentioning that he has always loved her.
2) DH told me that his XW was his true love (I was pregnant with DS #2 at the time)
3) Less than a month after DS #2 was born, we moved over 100 miles away so he could be "closer to his daughter"
4) He declared us "separated" yet we were living in the same house
5) He dated, and proposed to his XW, all while we were living together
6) She said yes
7) I moved out, with both DSes, and we were separated for almost 3 years until we got back together
8) DH moved out of state for a job - he didn't move back until this past summer
9) fast-forward: he says "she's crazy" and "doesn't want anything to do with her"
10) we have a heart-to-heart where I tell him I don't trust him and want him to tell his XW that it's truly over yet he still wants to be a part of their daughter's life
10) he won't do it because "I'm not sure how she'll react"
11) he claimed that it was already over due to what his XW said via text message
12) they have not, to my knowledge, communicated with her since that day (also, his cell phone number has changed during then and now)
He, finally, admitted having an EA with her, I will probably never know if it progressed into a PA* (it probably did once I moved/was no longer there). He did admit to kissing her... and that's probably all I'll ever get on that.
*yes, I still consider it an affair even if we were separated. To me, anything done with another person while you are still legally married is an affair. I'm not innocent of this either.
Am I wrong for thinking that he doesn't want to tell her 1) he's back in the same state & 2) that we're back together so he can keep her "on the back burner" in case we don't work out?
I don't believe what I asked for was out of line, or impossible/improbable...
The following is what I asked him to do on October 21st (non-relative parts/names removed):
I just don't understand, that if it is "truly over" between them why it would be so hard to do this for me. I'm not telling him to not continue to try to be part of his daughter's life... I just want to make sure/ I want closure that is truly is over between him and his XW.
I even, verbally, offered to help him tell her as much.
He just shrugged, said it was over and didn't know how she'd take it if/when she found/finds out he's back in the state.
Part of me is VERY tempted to contact his XW and tell her as such... I know if I do so, it would most likely create a rift between DH and I.
Even though the post is long winded, my question is this:
Was what I asked so unreasonable to do? (No matter what her/his XW's reaction would be -- and why would that even matter?)
I realize that my situation is not unique, but I am hoping to get some good input.
When everything began, the OW was my DH's XW... they have a daughter together...
Because of their daughter, I know that in some way they will "have" to remain in contact with one another, at least until she is no longer a minor/legally an adult. (Possibly longer if she decides to pursue higher education.)
Some facts/with some personal feelings mixed in:
1) DH wrote his XW a letter late 2010 mentioning that he has always loved her.
2) DH told me that his XW was his true love (I was pregnant with DS #2 at the time)
3) Less than a month after DS #2 was born, we moved over 100 miles away so he could be "closer to his daughter"
4) He declared us "separated" yet we were living in the same house
5) He dated, and proposed to his XW, all while we were living together
6) She said yes
7) I moved out, with both DSes, and we were separated for almost 3 years until we got back together
8) DH moved out of state for a job - he didn't move back until this past summer
9) fast-forward: he says "she's crazy" and "doesn't want anything to do with her"
10) we have a heart-to-heart where I tell him I don't trust him and want him to tell his XW that it's truly over yet he still wants to be a part of their daughter's life
10) he won't do it because "I'm not sure how she'll react"
11) he claimed that it was already over due to what his XW said via text message
12) they have not, to my knowledge, communicated with her since that day (also, his cell phone number has changed during then and now)
He, finally, admitted having an EA with her, I will probably never know if it progressed into a PA* (it probably did once I moved/was no longer there). He did admit to kissing her... and that's probably all I'll ever get on that.
*yes, I still consider it an affair even if we were separated. To me, anything done with another person while you are still legally married is an affair. I'm not innocent of this either.
Am I wrong for thinking that he doesn't want to tell her 1) he's back in the same state & 2) that we're back together so he can keep her "on the back burner" in case we don't work out?
I don't believe what I asked for was out of line, or impossible/improbable...
The following is what I asked him to do on October 21st (non-relative parts/names removed):
Quote:
| I know I hurt you the other day when I said that I wanted to trust you... I've been thinking about a few things that will help me. And I know that this will be a big deal for you... I believe it will be in your/our best interest(s) if you "come clean" with [XW]. You say that you hate liars, but when it comes to her you have become one. 1) You need to tell her that we are back together 2) let her know that you are back in [state] a) you do not have to tell her where we are living b) you do not have to tell her you are working from home3) [not relevant] 4) do not tell her your new cell phone number a) if she inquires about contacting you via phone or text, refer to using your google voice number b) if she inquires as to why, you can say that all you have is a company phone (paid for by your job - which is true, to an extent)5) stay firm in that you would like to remain friends for [their daughter]'s sake 6) offer to come down WITH your family (that includes me) and have a fun day for ALL the kids once/twice a month a) offer to cover expenses (gas, food, etc.) b) offer to let her choose the public venue c) only reason I say once/twice a month is because of the distance/gas/etc. that will accrue during those trips7) inquire about [their daughter]'s school functions (plays, ceremonies, etc.), and try to attend some 8) let her know that [their daughter] is always free to contact you, in any way, if she chooses to do so. 9) (the BIG one) let [XW] know that anything other than a platonic friendship with you, for the sake of [their daughter], is out of the question. Anything other than contacting each other for reasons not stated above is out of the question. No more "engagement", no more "boyfriend/girlfriend", no more whatever. You are both, simply, parents of an amazing daughter. That, no matter what, you will both always be her, [their daughter]'s, parents. Yes, she'll probably be mad, not want to contact you any more, or let you see [their daughter]. But you are stringing her along by not telling her the truth. Please, reverse the roles for a moment and think how you'd feel in my shoes. I can only comprehend a little bit of how you feel about not seeing your daughter, and it is not my intention to stop you from being able to see her. I just don't feel right about you stringing her, [XW], along considering everything that has happened in the past 4 years. She needs to be able to move on - and if you leave the impression that she has a future with you, you aren't allowing her to do that. Honestly, part of me would prefer if you didn't talk/text/communicate with each other any more. I do realize that she hasn't contacted you in any way for over a month now, and that most of what I had read was her asking you for money/when you were sending it. (Also, your number has changed and you haven't given her the new one.) I realize that you will stay in contact with her, to an extent, for the rest of your life because of your daughter. That is something that I will live with. We have grown more together within these past two months of being back together with one another. We both, royally, f**d up before and I just don't want either of us to do that to each other again. I want 100% transparency & 0% secrets in our marriage. (I'm not saying 0% privacy - but if you want to have access to my computer, phone, email, login to any site - you are welcome to it.) My two cents. |
I even, verbally, offered to help him tell her as much.
He just shrugged, said it was over and didn't know how she'd take it if/when she found/finds out he's back in the state.
Part of me is VERY tempted to contact his XW and tell her as such... I know if I do so, it would most likely create a rift between DH and I.
Even though the post is long winded, my question is this:
Was what I asked so unreasonable to do? (No matter what her/his XW's reaction would be -- and why would that even matter?)
Put the internet to work for you.
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