I'm an occasional lurker on TAM and rare poster. I've seen a couple threads where people in the early days after D-Day ask "how it will be". My answer is a muddled middle that is likely not going to inspire anyone.
My wife had a six-year-affair with an ex-boyfriend (OM #1). She had a ONS with another ex-boyfriend (OM #2). She recounted her "story" constantly with a friend online (OM #3), that eventually escalated to sexting. I found out about OM #1 by getting suspicious and spying on her electronically. We tried counseling, found out she was still in contact with OM #1 and lying to councilor. We tried again. I found out about OM #2 when she revealed it to OM #3 in an electronic chat. Then I figured out she had lunch with OM #1. I finally grew a backbone and asked for a divorce. She asked to reconcile and I gave her one more shot, because we had young kids.
Since then, our marriage has improved greatly improved and our kids are thriving. She's engaged and friendly, and we communicate about everything, no matter how difficult. Pretty much in all ways a good spouse. Well, except that she's not interested in sex, in part due to serious health issues and part because, well who knows. (Best case, she's just not that in to me.) We talk about it, but there's just nothing there.
For a long time I was very careful to monitor her electronically, and I've never found a trace of contact after that final time we agreed to reconcile. Gradually over time, I've eased way off, but I still do check from time to time.
How do I feel? As a husband, I'm lonely, bored, and not very happy. While I do love her, I don't trust her and probably never will, and I'll never shake the feeling that she's probably just taken it deeper underground, even if she's apparently been on the up-and-up ever since. As a father, I did the right thing. I'm there for my kids, we're very good co-parents, and I'm not missing my kids' lives.
Would I recommend staying to another BS? Some days, I'd say I'm very glad I did. Some days I feel like a pathetic chump. More the latter than the former.
How's that for an uninspired example?
Things I wish I had done in retrospect:
1) Grow a backbone from the get-go.
2) Not agree to reconcile without a clear definition of what it included and did not include.
Here's the problem I never solved:
If you love your kids more than anything and want to raise them in an intact family, then your threat to walk away will ring hollow to you and to your spouse => chump-hood.
My wife had a six-year-affair with an ex-boyfriend (OM #1). She had a ONS with another ex-boyfriend (OM #2). She recounted her "story" constantly with a friend online (OM #3), that eventually escalated to sexting. I found out about OM #1 by getting suspicious and spying on her electronically. We tried counseling, found out she was still in contact with OM #1 and lying to councilor. We tried again. I found out about OM #2 when she revealed it to OM #3 in an electronic chat. Then I figured out she had lunch with OM #1. I finally grew a backbone and asked for a divorce. She asked to reconcile and I gave her one more shot, because we had young kids.
Since then, our marriage has improved greatly improved and our kids are thriving. She's engaged and friendly, and we communicate about everything, no matter how difficult. Pretty much in all ways a good spouse. Well, except that she's not interested in sex, in part due to serious health issues and part because, well who knows. (Best case, she's just not that in to me.) We talk about it, but there's just nothing there.
For a long time I was very careful to monitor her electronically, and I've never found a trace of contact after that final time we agreed to reconcile. Gradually over time, I've eased way off, but I still do check from time to time.
How do I feel? As a husband, I'm lonely, bored, and not very happy. While I do love her, I don't trust her and probably never will, and I'll never shake the feeling that she's probably just taken it deeper underground, even if she's apparently been on the up-and-up ever since. As a father, I did the right thing. I'm there for my kids, we're very good co-parents, and I'm not missing my kids' lives.
Would I recommend staying to another BS? Some days, I'd say I'm very glad I did. Some days I feel like a pathetic chump. More the latter than the former.
How's that for an uninspired example?
Things I wish I had done in retrospect:
1) Grow a backbone from the get-go.
2) Not agree to reconcile without a clear definition of what it included and did not include.
Here's the problem I never solved:
If you love your kids more than anything and want to raise them in an intact family, then your threat to walk away will ring hollow to you and to your spouse => chump-hood.
Put the internet to work for you.
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