Let me first start out by apologizing for the length of this message and if it is incoherent. I haven't eaten in 36 hours and haven't slept in 26. I'm sure I'm not the first newcomer to say that.
My wife and I are in our mid 30's and I just found out that she's been having an emotional affair for about a year and a half and a sexual affair for about 7-8 months. We have dated for 18 years (off and on through high school and college and solid from our last year of college on) and have been married for almost 8 years. We have lived together for about 13-14 years, ever since we came home from college.
I found out by chance, just because I logged in to our cell phone provider's website and noticed that my wife had over 3,000 text messages last month (that's a lot, if you weren't aware, probably more than some families combined). I thought this was odd because I only had 800 text messages, and I text A LOT. So, I look at the month before last month and see that there are 3,800 text messages. Now I'm thinking something is totally wrong. I look at the last 7 months and see that there was a spike from 400 texts a month to 3,000-3,800 texts a month in the last 7-8 months. So I start looking at the phone numbers. I notice that there is one that just keeps popping up. I do a search in a single month and find that there are 3,500 of the 3,800 texts coming and going to the same phone number.
So, I almost immediately knew what was up. I used an app called SlyDial that allows you to call a number and put you straight through to voicemail and heard the message and the name of the person she had been talking to. It was her old supervisor. This man still works for the company but moved to a different department. He is married. And he has two small children. He's about 10 years older than her.
When I confronted her about the text messages, she said it was just work and he felt like because they worked together before, he could contact her directly and that she wasn't happy about it.
I remained calm and took her explanation for what it was. But as the day went on, I found it strange that someone who texted my wife 3,000+ times a month, on a daily basis, had not texted her at all today (because now I am just logged in to the cell phone account and watching it). So I started digging at the texts and looking at dates and times. I see text messages, initiate by my wife, at 2am, while I am asleep in the bed next to her. And not 1 or 2. I'm talking 15-20 from 2am-4:30am, which is about the time I get up for work. Then the texts die off and start back up at 5:30am, after I leave for work. 7-8 hours after the initial confrontation, I ask her if shes ready to be honest with me. I tell her that her explanation doesn't add up and that there are texts from her as well and texts at 2am don't seem work related or like something you're frustrated to have to deal with.
She then goes in to how shes had an "inappropriate relationship" and had gone out with this guy for drinks a few times but it was never "physical". Then I asked her if she had kissed him. With a sad face and a sob, she said, "yes" (I guess our definition of "physical" is different?). She continues, "But it was only once, and after it happened they 'hated it' and that's when the relationship started to deteriorate." She told me about getting drunk and wrecking her car a few months ago was an awakening for her (she had been out with him and a few other co-workers at happy hour) and that she realized then that her life was "spiraling out of control".
I left the house and went to meet with a close friend to discuss and try to get some advice. I told him I didn't believe her and felt like I was only able to get the information I got because she was more of less caught on that stuff. He mentioned the possibility of getting text message transcripts.
When I called the phone company they informed me that I would need a subpoena and even then they could only retrieve about 48 hours worth of texts. BUT, he mentioned that there was data recovery software out there, while it costs $50-100, it might be a viable option. So I came straight home and tried it out on my phone. I was able to pull up texts from 2-3 years ago, no problem.
Armed with this, I went to her and I said, "I only see a few options for moving forward here, A) we confront the other guy, B) I use this software on your phone and read the texts myself or C) you tell me what I already know.
So she broke and told me that she had been sleeping with him. I feel like because I had to do so much work to get the information that I did, she still wasn't telling me the whole truth (but even if she had been telling me everything, I suspect I still might feel this way?) I asked her how many times, she said, "less than a handful." (WTF is that? and now I'm thinking where did I get this dictionary with this effed up definition of "physical"?) I asked her when it started, she said "last summer". I asked when the last time was, she said, "when I went on that work trip for a week, 4 weeks ago." I asked her if he had ever been in my house, she said "No." Have you been to his, "No." I asked, "all those nights you're 'working late', is this what you were working on?" She said, "No. It was always at a hotel, during work hours." He was a gent, they split the bills.
She wants to go to counseling, I said I would be willing to do that but I asked her, in her mind, what is the best case scenario here, how does this work out good for anyone? She has apologized numerous times, she has told me shes sorry, she wants to be with me and she knows that now.
Do people come back from this sort of thing? Is it possible? Aren't I always going to wonder where she is and what she is doing?
I don't know what to do. I come from a divorced family (father 3 times) and I honestly don't believe in "marriage" because of my family history. I believe you either promise yourself and your life to someone or you don't. She needed the dress and the reception, so we went through the with ceremony. I always told her and myself that I would not get a divorce and that was something that I wanted to stand for. I also believe that life is bound to repeat itself if you let it. I was/am determined to break my family's dysfunctional cycle.
I have been with this woman in some capacity for more than half of my life. In my mind, all I have ever wanted to do was love her. Have there been times that I was unhappy, sure. Absolutely. Did I want to give up, hell yes. But I never did. Have I had women make passes at me and flirt with me, yup. Have I flirted back? Occasionally. Have I ever acted on those impulses, not once since we began living together.
I'm not even sure I want to stay. But I'm not sure if I want to go, either? I guess counseling is the first step?
How do I keep her from going back to this job, especially not knowing whether or not I would be willing to stay?
If I did decide to stay, I'm sure we can figure out a way to make ends meet. But if I don't stay, I'll have forced her out of her career and her life is really effed then. I know some of you might say "screw her, she effed up." and that is true, but I am not going to feel responsible for one bad thing that comes of this.
I'm just so lost. This was my best friend. The person I was supposed to grow old with. It still doesn't seem real.
.................................................. ..
I should probably also just give a brief background on our childhood relationship(s) from in high school and college, we both fooled around a bit, outside of our "relationship". Probably more so me than her, but we were both doing it. But, TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, once we moved in together she never strayed again until now. And I never have. I have always been pretty upfront and honest, I am here and this is where I want to be until I tell you otherwise. I expected the same from her, and told her as much.
I guess the worst part is, I felt/knew this a year and a half ago, when she says it started. I confronted her about it. She told me I was overacting and that there was nothing going on and there were no problems between her and myself. This is where she wanted to be. Same thing she is saying now. I also confronted her again, probably a 8-12 months ago, and specifically asked about this other guy. She told me emphatically, "No."
I'm not stupid but I also am not going to spend (read: waste) my life trying to catch someone doing something they shouldn't be doing. I watched that ruined my mother and I will not become that.
So, aside from general responses and thoughts and wisdom, I guess I would like to know:
1. Is it possible to fix this? Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? Can there ever be trust here? I mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles.
2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance?
3. Should I tell this guy's wife?
4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife? What kind of responses am I looking for?
I guess everyone probably says this, but man I never thought I would be posting on a site like this. Mind officially blown.
- notme81
My wife and I are in our mid 30's and I just found out that she's been having an emotional affair for about a year and a half and a sexual affair for about 7-8 months. We have dated for 18 years (off and on through high school and college and solid from our last year of college on) and have been married for almost 8 years. We have lived together for about 13-14 years, ever since we came home from college.
I found out by chance, just because I logged in to our cell phone provider's website and noticed that my wife had over 3,000 text messages last month (that's a lot, if you weren't aware, probably more than some families combined). I thought this was odd because I only had 800 text messages, and I text A LOT. So, I look at the month before last month and see that there are 3,800 text messages. Now I'm thinking something is totally wrong. I look at the last 7 months and see that there was a spike from 400 texts a month to 3,000-3,800 texts a month in the last 7-8 months. So I start looking at the phone numbers. I notice that there is one that just keeps popping up. I do a search in a single month and find that there are 3,500 of the 3,800 texts coming and going to the same phone number.
So, I almost immediately knew what was up. I used an app called SlyDial that allows you to call a number and put you straight through to voicemail and heard the message and the name of the person she had been talking to. It was her old supervisor. This man still works for the company but moved to a different department. He is married. And he has two small children. He's about 10 years older than her.
When I confronted her about the text messages, she said it was just work and he felt like because they worked together before, he could contact her directly and that she wasn't happy about it.
I remained calm and took her explanation for what it was. But as the day went on, I found it strange that someone who texted my wife 3,000+ times a month, on a daily basis, had not texted her at all today (because now I am just logged in to the cell phone account and watching it). So I started digging at the texts and looking at dates and times. I see text messages, initiate by my wife, at 2am, while I am asleep in the bed next to her. And not 1 or 2. I'm talking 15-20 from 2am-4:30am, which is about the time I get up for work. Then the texts die off and start back up at 5:30am, after I leave for work. 7-8 hours after the initial confrontation, I ask her if shes ready to be honest with me. I tell her that her explanation doesn't add up and that there are texts from her as well and texts at 2am don't seem work related or like something you're frustrated to have to deal with.
She then goes in to how shes had an "inappropriate relationship" and had gone out with this guy for drinks a few times but it was never "physical". Then I asked her if she had kissed him. With a sad face and a sob, she said, "yes" (I guess our definition of "physical" is different?). She continues, "But it was only once, and after it happened they 'hated it' and that's when the relationship started to deteriorate." She told me about getting drunk and wrecking her car a few months ago was an awakening for her (she had been out with him and a few other co-workers at happy hour) and that she realized then that her life was "spiraling out of control".
I left the house and went to meet with a close friend to discuss and try to get some advice. I told him I didn't believe her and felt like I was only able to get the information I got because she was more of less caught on that stuff. He mentioned the possibility of getting text message transcripts.
When I called the phone company they informed me that I would need a subpoena and even then they could only retrieve about 48 hours worth of texts. BUT, he mentioned that there was data recovery software out there, while it costs $50-100, it might be a viable option. So I came straight home and tried it out on my phone. I was able to pull up texts from 2-3 years ago, no problem.
Armed with this, I went to her and I said, "I only see a few options for moving forward here, A) we confront the other guy, B) I use this software on your phone and read the texts myself or C) you tell me what I already know.
So she broke and told me that she had been sleeping with him. I feel like because I had to do so much work to get the information that I did, she still wasn't telling me the whole truth (but even if she had been telling me everything, I suspect I still might feel this way?) I asked her how many times, she said, "less than a handful." (WTF is that? and now I'm thinking where did I get this dictionary with this effed up definition of "physical"?) I asked her when it started, she said "last summer". I asked when the last time was, she said, "when I went on that work trip for a week, 4 weeks ago." I asked her if he had ever been in my house, she said "No." Have you been to his, "No." I asked, "all those nights you're 'working late', is this what you were working on?" She said, "No. It was always at a hotel, during work hours." He was a gent, they split the bills.
She wants to go to counseling, I said I would be willing to do that but I asked her, in her mind, what is the best case scenario here, how does this work out good for anyone? She has apologized numerous times, she has told me shes sorry, she wants to be with me and she knows that now.
Do people come back from this sort of thing? Is it possible? Aren't I always going to wonder where she is and what she is doing?
I don't know what to do. I come from a divorced family (father 3 times) and I honestly don't believe in "marriage" because of my family history. I believe you either promise yourself and your life to someone or you don't. She needed the dress and the reception, so we went through the with ceremony. I always told her and myself that I would not get a divorce and that was something that I wanted to stand for. I also believe that life is bound to repeat itself if you let it. I was/am determined to break my family's dysfunctional cycle.
I have been with this woman in some capacity for more than half of my life. In my mind, all I have ever wanted to do was love her. Have there been times that I was unhappy, sure. Absolutely. Did I want to give up, hell yes. But I never did. Have I had women make passes at me and flirt with me, yup. Have I flirted back? Occasionally. Have I ever acted on those impulses, not once since we began living together.
I'm not even sure I want to stay. But I'm not sure if I want to go, either? I guess counseling is the first step?
How do I keep her from going back to this job, especially not knowing whether or not I would be willing to stay?
If I did decide to stay, I'm sure we can figure out a way to make ends meet. But if I don't stay, I'll have forced her out of her career and her life is really effed then. I know some of you might say "screw her, she effed up." and that is true, but I am not going to feel responsible for one bad thing that comes of this.
I'm just so lost. This was my best friend. The person I was supposed to grow old with. It still doesn't seem real.
.................................................. ..
I should probably also just give a brief background on our childhood relationship(s) from in high school and college, we both fooled around a bit, outside of our "relationship". Probably more so me than her, but we were both doing it. But, TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, once we moved in together she never strayed again until now. And I never have. I have always been pretty upfront and honest, I am here and this is where I want to be until I tell you otherwise. I expected the same from her, and told her as much.
I guess the worst part is, I felt/knew this a year and a half ago, when she says it started. I confronted her about it. She told me I was overacting and that there was nothing going on and there were no problems between her and myself. This is where she wanted to be. Same thing she is saying now. I also confronted her again, probably a 8-12 months ago, and specifically asked about this other guy. She told me emphatically, "No."
I'm not stupid but I also am not going to spend (read: waste) my life trying to catch someone doing something they shouldn't be doing. I watched that ruined my mother and I will not become that.
So, aside from general responses and thoughts and wisdom, I guess I would like to know:
1. Is it possible to fix this? Is it just best to make a clean break now and move on? Can there ever be trust here? I mean, I can't follow her around everywhere she goes, even if she were to leave her job. They both still have vehicles.
2. Should I stand my ground on not going back to this job if we are ever going to stand a chance, even if I don't know if we'll ever stand a chance?
3. Should I tell this guy's wife?
4. What kinds of other questions should I be asking my wife? What kind of responses am I looking for?
I guess everyone probably says this, but man I never thought I would be posting on a site like this. Mind officially blown.
- notme81
Put the internet to work for you.
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