Hi everyone,
I just spent some time online reading about "codependency". It describes a dysfunctional relationship between two people, where one person enables another person's irresponsibility.
The entire time, I kept thinking to myself: "Oh my God, this describes my husband's relationship with his family." Exactly. Every single word of it, described my husband's codependent relationship with his brother and mother. (My husband and I are separated, I will be filing for divorce soon, and some background on my situation: I lived in a joint family with my husband and his family. I was not happy, my husband and his family were not understanding of my unhappiness, we fought a lot, and I finally left. I asked my husband to join me in an apartment, and he refuses to do so – keeps saying he has a responsibility to his brother/mother. They are a fully functional unit on their own without my husband…they have no financial or health reasons to live together.)
I'm just so sad that I married this man, not realizing he was an identified dependent, which would probably be officially diagnosed by a psychotherapist, if he ever went to one. There were warning signs, which I completely ignored (or was annoyed by, but thought they'd be ironed over with time…boy was I wrong!). Now I am suffering the consequences, and so is my 2 year old daughter. My husband REFUSES – absolutely refuses – to be separated from his family. To the point where he said that IF he ever moves in to an apartment with me, it would be in the same building as his brother, and his mother would come to live with us.
Can people in codependent relationships change? How? Is it even possible for me to "cut the cord" between my husband and his mother/brother? Their mother clearly failed to raise independent, capable adults. I have spent so much time being resentful of my husband and his family, wondering why he abandoned me and our daughter by refusing to move in to an apartment with us, wondering why his ties to his family are soooooo strong that he's willing to give up the little family we built together. But now I realize, it's a very deep-rooted psychological/emotional dysfunction. He doesn't even realize he's dependent on them, and they are enabling his dependency by always "being there" to "rescue" him, blame everyone and everything but him, and basically treat him like an adult child. I am not kidding…these are adult men we are talking about…over the age of 34…and they both drive to work together in the morning, work in the same office, and come back home in the evening together to the same house where they live with their Mommy. And to them, this is NORMAL.
I am just so shocked. I have been angry/resentful this whole time, not realizing they had a truly dysfunctional almost DISEASE, if I can call it that! The emotional disease of codependence which not I nor my beautiful 2 year old daughter, or anyone else for that matter, can ever break. I actually feel sorry for them…he's lost so much and doesn't even realize it...his mother/brother enable his immaturity and irresponsibility and have contributed greatly to our separation and impending divorce, and they don't realize it. They truly think they are doing nothing wrong. I'm so saddened.
I just spent some time online reading about "codependency". It describes a dysfunctional relationship between two people, where one person enables another person's irresponsibility.
The entire time, I kept thinking to myself: "Oh my God, this describes my husband's relationship with his family." Exactly. Every single word of it, described my husband's codependent relationship with his brother and mother. (My husband and I are separated, I will be filing for divorce soon, and some background on my situation: I lived in a joint family with my husband and his family. I was not happy, my husband and his family were not understanding of my unhappiness, we fought a lot, and I finally left. I asked my husband to join me in an apartment, and he refuses to do so – keeps saying he has a responsibility to his brother/mother. They are a fully functional unit on their own without my husband…they have no financial or health reasons to live together.)
I'm just so sad that I married this man, not realizing he was an identified dependent, which would probably be officially diagnosed by a psychotherapist, if he ever went to one. There were warning signs, which I completely ignored (or was annoyed by, but thought they'd be ironed over with time…boy was I wrong!). Now I am suffering the consequences, and so is my 2 year old daughter. My husband REFUSES – absolutely refuses – to be separated from his family. To the point where he said that IF he ever moves in to an apartment with me, it would be in the same building as his brother, and his mother would come to live with us.
Can people in codependent relationships change? How? Is it even possible for me to "cut the cord" between my husband and his mother/brother? Their mother clearly failed to raise independent, capable adults. I have spent so much time being resentful of my husband and his family, wondering why he abandoned me and our daughter by refusing to move in to an apartment with us, wondering why his ties to his family are soooooo strong that he's willing to give up the little family we built together. But now I realize, it's a very deep-rooted psychological/emotional dysfunction. He doesn't even realize he's dependent on them, and they are enabling his dependency by always "being there" to "rescue" him, blame everyone and everything but him, and basically treat him like an adult child. I am not kidding…these are adult men we are talking about…over the age of 34…and they both drive to work together in the morning, work in the same office, and come back home in the evening together to the same house where they live with their Mommy. And to them, this is NORMAL.
I am just so shocked. I have been angry/resentful this whole time, not realizing they had a truly dysfunctional almost DISEASE, if I can call it that! The emotional disease of codependence which not I nor my beautiful 2 year old daughter, or anyone else for that matter, can ever break. I actually feel sorry for them…he's lost so much and doesn't even realize it...his mother/brother enable his immaturity and irresponsibility and have contributed greatly to our separation and impending divorce, and they don't realize it. They truly think they are doing nothing wrong. I'm so saddened.
Put the internet to work for you.
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