My wife ("Anne") and I have been married for 12 years and have two boys in middle school. We're both near 50. I thought we had a pretty good marriage. I'm very close to my boys and Anne acknowledges I am a really good dad. Due to Anne's pain issues, depression and terrible insomnia we sleep in different bedrooms, an arrangement that bothers me terribly but to which she is adamant. Our sex life suffered because of it, but we were generally still physical 2-3 times a month.
A year ago Anne started to show resentment towards me and we ended up having some fights. She told me she was unhappy in our marriage and in fact had never felt close to me except at the beginning. I was shocked and hurt, but soon went into problem solving mode. I went to see her therapist alone and then with Anne. It was productive and I earnestly set out to correct the faults Anne found in me. (Impatient, too controlling, too much of a perfectionist, too quick to fight/flight.)
Anne's wanted her therapist for herself so we agreed to see another couples' therapist. We saw her for about 9 months every other week. We made very little progress. Anne acknowledges she is hyper- sensitive and holds onto even small slights excessively, but that has not translated into any different view of me. Despite Anne's acknowledgement that I had changed as she desired, she cannot get over the hurts she felt or feel close to me. She said she no longer loved me and was not in our marriage. She also acknowledged she was not invested in the therapy. We have not had sex in 6 months.
The therapist suggested a separation. I thought it would hasten the end of our marriage and was against it, though I would work cooperatively to make it work if Anne insisted. We lingered in this state for a few months until Anne let me know this week she has rented a place near our home and is moving out. We've talked cooperatively about splitting the kids 50/50, finances, etc. I do not believe there is another guy in the picture.
The stated goal is for Anne to feel empowered as a co-equal parent and see if she is better able to handle her pain and depression without me there. If she feels better about herself, she hopes to rekindle feelings for me. She has suggested having family nights and possibly date nights. Her lease is 6 months. We have not yet told the kids.
I am terrifically hurt but trying to stay positive, engaged and loving, but I am not optimistic about this ending in anything but divorce. I feel terrible for our boys and will do anything to lighten the impact on them.
I would love to hear any advice at all from people on how to maximize our chances for reconciliation. Or any other advice. Thanks!
A year ago Anne started to show resentment towards me and we ended up having some fights. She told me she was unhappy in our marriage and in fact had never felt close to me except at the beginning. I was shocked and hurt, but soon went into problem solving mode. I went to see her therapist alone and then with Anne. It was productive and I earnestly set out to correct the faults Anne found in me. (Impatient, too controlling, too much of a perfectionist, too quick to fight/flight.)
Anne's wanted her therapist for herself so we agreed to see another couples' therapist. We saw her for about 9 months every other week. We made very little progress. Anne acknowledges she is hyper- sensitive and holds onto even small slights excessively, but that has not translated into any different view of me. Despite Anne's acknowledgement that I had changed as she desired, she cannot get over the hurts she felt or feel close to me. She said she no longer loved me and was not in our marriage. She also acknowledged she was not invested in the therapy. We have not had sex in 6 months.
The therapist suggested a separation. I thought it would hasten the end of our marriage and was against it, though I would work cooperatively to make it work if Anne insisted. We lingered in this state for a few months until Anne let me know this week she has rented a place near our home and is moving out. We've talked cooperatively about splitting the kids 50/50, finances, etc. I do not believe there is another guy in the picture.
The stated goal is for Anne to feel empowered as a co-equal parent and see if she is better able to handle her pain and depression without me there. If she feels better about herself, she hopes to rekindle feelings for me. She has suggested having family nights and possibly date nights. Her lease is 6 months. We have not yet told the kids.
I am terrifically hurt but trying to stay positive, engaged and loving, but I am not optimistic about this ending in anything but divorce. I feel terrible for our boys and will do anything to lighten the impact on them.
I would love to hear any advice at all from people on how to maximize our chances for reconciliation. Or any other advice. Thanks!
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