Disclaimer: I made some bad choices that have led me to where I am right now. I realize that.....
This past July I married someone I met on the rebound after my 10 year relationship ended rather suddenly (after having been dysfunctional for years, my ex chose to leave rather than work things out). Counting the four months that we have been married we have been together about 1.5 years.
There were red flags that for various reasons I chose to ignore/overlook. Serious red flags, such as continual criticism/subtle put-downs, a desire to control the way I dress and what I eat, and verbal and occasional physical abuse (the latter directed only toward her children from a previous marriage, not that this makes it any better).
Things go up and down cyclically; sometimes they are better, sometimes they are worse. When we get along we're great together; when we don't I am left shaking and in such a rage that I can't even speak. We can go months with no episodes and then have weeks where all we do is fight. My spouse has an explosive temper and when she is angry she lashes out at anything or anyone in her path. She is unwilling to work on the deeper issues driving her behavior. She flat out refuses to even consider therapy, either MC or IC.
She claims that she's very happy in our marriage and is deeply upset that I am raising these issues. She thinks that I am trying to blame her.
To add to the already enormous pile of crap, now our sex life, which has been satisfying overall with the exception of frequency (we average about 1x/week though I would like more), is becoming a source of major stress for both of us. My wife has a very low drive and it makes me crazy with jealousy that her lustiest years were spent with her ex and other partners (she and her ex were swingers for a time, at her insistence - she was married to a man before, and then came out as a lesbian - we are two women). In the beginning (but aren't we STILL supposed to be in the beginning?) it was awesome between us. Now, every sexual encounter is initiated by me and while that was a role we fell into rather naturally and have fun with, things have now deteriorated to the point where she has admitted that she feels "pressure" to have sex with me. This feels awful as many of you must know from personal experience. If I do not initiate we will have a sexless marriage. At least this is my f ear. And I do not want that.
To be very honest, if we were not legally married I probably would have broken up with her by now, particularly a few weeks ago, after I witnessed a very ugly scene involving physical abuse against her oldest child which my wife justifies as being completely acceptable.
As if all of these problems with my M were not enough within the last few weeks I learned that I may be facing the big "C". I have more tests to go through and I won't know for sure probably until mid-December.
I have some awareness of the issues I brought into this partnership and that continue to cause problems for us...I am taking care of them in my own way although of course my primary focus now is my health.
My previous relationship had many problems but I must say that I was very happy in the first few years. I never have experienced this level of discontent this early on. We have only been married a few months. My wife was in a big hurry for us to get married. I now believe it was a mistake for us to wed so soon. I suspect my wife may be mentally ill (perhaps borderline) based on her behavior AND on the fact that an ex of hers told her that she believed my wife had it.
I am concerned that we are incompatible sexually and that my wife might be one of those people who loses interest quickly in "vanilla" sex. She knew that I insist on monogamy and fidelity. Part of me does wonder if her lack of interest in me might be because she's getting some someplace else. Given that she is so LD I would doubt it but the thought has entered my mind.
I don't need a lecture about moving too quickly with my wife. I know that and I regret it now. But now I am here, and I love my stepchildren very much. I also love my wife with all of her flaws and I cannot claim to be an innocent, injured party here either. Legal marriage is proving to be way more work than my common law marriage was, though that has to do with the spouse probably more than anything else.
I don't know why I posted here - I guess to vent in a safe place and share some thoughts for feedback and insight if anyone cares to offer any. Thanks.
This past July I married someone I met on the rebound after my 10 year relationship ended rather suddenly (after having been dysfunctional for years, my ex chose to leave rather than work things out). Counting the four months that we have been married we have been together about 1.5 years.
There were red flags that for various reasons I chose to ignore/overlook. Serious red flags, such as continual criticism/subtle put-downs, a desire to control the way I dress and what I eat, and verbal and occasional physical abuse (the latter directed only toward her children from a previous marriage, not that this makes it any better).
Things go up and down cyclically; sometimes they are better, sometimes they are worse. When we get along we're great together; when we don't I am left shaking and in such a rage that I can't even speak. We can go months with no episodes and then have weeks where all we do is fight. My spouse has an explosive temper and when she is angry she lashes out at anything or anyone in her path. She is unwilling to work on the deeper issues driving her behavior. She flat out refuses to even consider therapy, either MC or IC.
She claims that she's very happy in our marriage and is deeply upset that I am raising these issues. She thinks that I am trying to blame her.
To add to the already enormous pile of crap, now our sex life, which has been satisfying overall with the exception of frequency (we average about 1x/week though I would like more), is becoming a source of major stress for both of us. My wife has a very low drive and it makes me crazy with jealousy that her lustiest years were spent with her ex and other partners (she and her ex were swingers for a time, at her insistence - she was married to a man before, and then came out as a lesbian - we are two women). In the beginning (but aren't we STILL supposed to be in the beginning?) it was awesome between us. Now, every sexual encounter is initiated by me and while that was a role we fell into rather naturally and have fun with, things have now deteriorated to the point where she has admitted that she feels "pressure" to have sex with me. This feels awful as many of you must know from personal experience. If I do not initiate we will have a sexless marriage. At least this is my f ear. And I do not want that.
To be very honest, if we were not legally married I probably would have broken up with her by now, particularly a few weeks ago, after I witnessed a very ugly scene involving physical abuse against her oldest child which my wife justifies as being completely acceptable.
As if all of these problems with my M were not enough within the last few weeks I learned that I may be facing the big "C". I have more tests to go through and I won't know for sure probably until mid-December.
I have some awareness of the issues I brought into this partnership and that continue to cause problems for us...I am taking care of them in my own way although of course my primary focus now is my health.
My previous relationship had many problems but I must say that I was very happy in the first few years. I never have experienced this level of discontent this early on. We have only been married a few months. My wife was in a big hurry for us to get married. I now believe it was a mistake for us to wed so soon. I suspect my wife may be mentally ill (perhaps borderline) based on her behavior AND on the fact that an ex of hers told her that she believed my wife had it.
I am concerned that we are incompatible sexually and that my wife might be one of those people who loses interest quickly in "vanilla" sex. She knew that I insist on monogamy and fidelity. Part of me does wonder if her lack of interest in me might be because she's getting some someplace else. Given that she is so LD I would doubt it but the thought has entered my mind.
I don't need a lecture about moving too quickly with my wife. I know that and I regret it now. But now I am here, and I love my stepchildren very much. I also love my wife with all of her flaws and I cannot claim to be an innocent, injured party here either. Legal marriage is proving to be way more work than my common law marriage was, though that has to do with the spouse probably more than anything else.
I don't know why I posted here - I guess to vent in a safe place and share some thoughts for feedback and insight if anyone cares to offer any. Thanks.
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