Alright, to try to keep this short and to the point. Here's the situation:
H & I were separated for almost three years, started the divorce process but never finalized it.
Before we separated H was having an EA (not sure if it was a PA, he's admitted the EA part) with his ex-wife. I tried to deal, the bomb fell, I packed up and moved out with our DSes.
Our separation was complicated to say the least. We were on/off/hot/cold with each other the entire time. Yes, there were several times during the separation where we were intimate with each other. See? Complicated. :p (never admitted to being the brightest crayon in the box.) We also never discussed if we were "okay" with the other person dating during this period of separation.
Earlier this year, H started to REALLY talk about moving back (he had moved out of state within 6 months of our separation - and he talked about moving back 2-6 months out of a year for three years, it seemed), and I was thrilled. Fast forward to July of this year, and he's back in the state.
Well, we agreed to move back in together and really work on things. We both have our issues but we are trying to make this marriage work.
One of my major faults before we split was lying. So, I confessed to my H about dating a co-worker for a short time. (I felt like I had cheated on my H, even though at that time we were separated and in the process of getting the divorce through - this was before it was put on "pause" indefinitely.) H said he had already suspected as such and had already forgiven me for it.
Here's the kicker, while looking at the text messages on his phone, I saw where he had been dating this woman and they didn't end it until AFTER he moved up here.
I did ask him if he had ever dated anyone while he was down there, and said he tried (this was done in a way to "air out the dirty laundry" and to rekindle our lost openness with each other over everything), but he never really had a relationship. And this woman in the texts has always been referred to by him as "my friend [name]."
I hated bringing up everything right before he made a business trip - but it was either before or after.
He acted like it was no big deal. He had been talking about selling his old cell phone, and "all of a sudden" he had to take it with him.
And here's something that made me ponder, my oldest DS just said this morning "I hope daddy doesn't find someone else to love while he's in [city]."
I responded "Why? Did daddy love someone else when you went down there last?" (oldest DS spent spring break with H out of state)
DS, fairly quickly and almost an edge to his voice "No, no! Don't tell daddy I said that, okay?"
"Okay."
I get it, it happened. There's nothing I can change that would undo it. My whole point is, why can't he tell me that he was dating her? (Yes, I suspected he was dating her... I may not be a genius, but I'm not stupid either.) We were apart, legally separated. All we were doing was talking about reconciliation. It hadn't happened yet. I want him to be honest with me like I was with him.
No, he has not contacted her since we moved back in together.
The night we had this little "hear-to-heart" talk where I confessed my wrongdoings, he said something along the lines of "let's leave what happened in the past in the past. wipe the slate clean and start fresh." -- and that's when he got quiet and mentioned taking his old cell phone (with all the text messages on it) with him.
I guess my big thing is I would like input. Has anyone gotten back together with their spouse after a separation or divorce? If you dated other people during the time you were apart, did you admit to the other person that you did so? Did you hide it? If you hid it, why? Or did you just NOT talk about it at all? If so, why?
I'm just trying to understand his reasoning, and why he would lie. (H-E-double hockey sticks, I kept trying to make it work when he had his EA with his ex RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.)
Sorry, this ended up being longer than I intended. I guess I just need some closure on the subject that H didn't give the other night.
H & I were separated for almost three years, started the divorce process but never finalized it.
Before we separated H was having an EA (not sure if it was a PA, he's admitted the EA part) with his ex-wife. I tried to deal, the bomb fell, I packed up and moved out with our DSes.
Our separation was complicated to say the least. We were on/off/hot/cold with each other the entire time. Yes, there were several times during the separation where we were intimate with each other. See? Complicated. :p (never admitted to being the brightest crayon in the box.) We also never discussed if we were "okay" with the other person dating during this period of separation.
Earlier this year, H started to REALLY talk about moving back (he had moved out of state within 6 months of our separation - and he talked about moving back 2-6 months out of a year for three years, it seemed), and I was thrilled. Fast forward to July of this year, and he's back in the state.
Well, we agreed to move back in together and really work on things. We both have our issues but we are trying to make this marriage work.
One of my major faults before we split was lying. So, I confessed to my H about dating a co-worker for a short time. (I felt like I had cheated on my H, even though at that time we were separated and in the process of getting the divorce through - this was before it was put on "pause" indefinitely.) H said he had already suspected as such and had already forgiven me for it.
Here's the kicker, while looking at the text messages on his phone, I saw where he had been dating this woman and they didn't end it until AFTER he moved up here.
I did ask him if he had ever dated anyone while he was down there, and said he tried (this was done in a way to "air out the dirty laundry" and to rekindle our lost openness with each other over everything), but he never really had a relationship. And this woman in the texts has always been referred to by him as "my friend [name]."
I hated bringing up everything right before he made a business trip - but it was either before or after.
He acted like it was no big deal. He had been talking about selling his old cell phone, and "all of a sudden" he had to take it with him.
And here's something that made me ponder, my oldest DS just said this morning "I hope daddy doesn't find someone else to love while he's in [city]."
I responded "Why? Did daddy love someone else when you went down there last?" (oldest DS spent spring break with H out of state)
DS, fairly quickly and almost an edge to his voice "No, no! Don't tell daddy I said that, okay?"
"Okay."
I get it, it happened. There's nothing I can change that would undo it. My whole point is, why can't he tell me that he was dating her? (Yes, I suspected he was dating her... I may not be a genius, but I'm not stupid either.) We were apart, legally separated. All we were doing was talking about reconciliation. It hadn't happened yet. I want him to be honest with me like I was with him.
No, he has not contacted her since we moved back in together.
The night we had this little "hear-to-heart" talk where I confessed my wrongdoings, he said something along the lines of "let's leave what happened in the past in the past. wipe the slate clean and start fresh." -- and that's when he got quiet and mentioned taking his old cell phone (with all the text messages on it) with him.
I guess my big thing is I would like input. Has anyone gotten back together with their spouse after a separation or divorce? If you dated other people during the time you were apart, did you admit to the other person that you did so? Did you hide it? If you hid it, why? Or did you just NOT talk about it at all? If so, why?
I'm just trying to understand his reasoning, and why he would lie. (H-E-double hockey sticks, I kept trying to make it work when he had his EA with his ex RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.)
Sorry, this ended up being longer than I intended. I guess I just need some closure on the subject that H didn't give the other night.
Put the internet to work for you.
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