Firstly let me give a heartfelt THANKS to @Uptown. It was by chance that my google search led me to his description difference of a BiPolar and BPD individual that helped me make sense of my 21yr ordeal.
Obviously, there is a lot to this story although I am going to try to keep it short and focus on the most recent events.
***
I have been married for 21yrs. H is 41 and I am 45. We have 3 boys. T (21), Amb (18) and A (9).
We were married in France and I brought my W to Australia in 1993. All of her family live in France.
Reflecting back over the 21 yrs I now accept that what I have been living with WAS NOT and IS NOT normal.
The 'splits' began early on and I always put it down to being separated from family and country. Not having that family support when you need it most can be emotionally a turmoil. I accept this.
Over the years I would be chastised for paying too much attention to our sons. It made me feel like I was not giving my W the 100% that she required. As a result I turned into her 'black' when it came to raising our boys.
Fast forward to 2012 and my W had to rush back to France as her grandmother was very ill. She had to return to her birthtown. She stayed 2 weeks.
For those 2 weeks our homelife was 'normal'. No tension. No arguments. Everyone just 'get's along'. (as we do whenever she is away)
When she returned she looked and sounded rejuvenated. She had regained memories of her childhood. Revisited sites and venues that she had memories of when she was younger.
Fast forward to 2013. H and I planned to go on a 1week holiday with our youngest son. We planned months ahead. I could also sense that there was a need for her to 're-connect' with her family (parents, 2 sisters, uncle, cousins etc) that she hadn't seen since 2008. I talked her into travelling on her own and she agreed as long as I went with Mr 9 on a holiday. Her stay in France was 3weeks.
She returned at the end of Sept 2013. Her sister had cut her hair and when I saw my W I was shocked, she was donning the same hairstyle she had when I met her 21 yrs earlier. Over the course of the next few days I quickly got the impression that she was also treated like the 'little' girl of the family again.
In the dying days of Sept 2013 she sat with me one afternoon and said, "I don't want this. I'm not happy with this life. 'm not happy with you. I hate this house."
My response was calm. 'Ok, what is it that you do want?' To which she replied, 'I don't know but it isn't this.'
Strangely, the month of October was a great month. Smiles. Happiness. Intimacy.
Then in Nov 2013 just after our 21st anniversary everything started to crumble at an alarming rate.
Looking back now I can appreciate the intense emotions of 2013 on my W. She had a double mastectomy, our Amb was admitted to Rehab twice, she smashed her car into mine in our front driveway, I had been promoted and was spending less time at home.
Emotionally I wasn't there for her. So she filled the void with someone at work which evolved from an EA into a PA within the course of 4weeks. His first approach came just after our 21st Anniversary. Her recollection of the 4 weeks is pretty shattered even to this day. She can't recall many details and the details she can recall were quite explicit. I often look back at it and see her as having an 'out-of-body' experience, as if something took her over?
Anyway, on Dec7 2013 I found her drinking alcohol in the backyard. She asked to speak with me and told me about the PA. As I had been prepped back in Sept I did not react in horror or anger. I just looked at her and said, 'Well, you are 40. You are an adult and capable of making decisions on your own. What would you like to do now?'
This caught her off-guard as it wasn't the response she was anticipating. I asked if she had, at any point, considered the consequences to her family and the other man's family? She looked at me and said, 'that never occurred to me'.
This led me to a lot of reading and research and I assumed what she was going through was a 'Mid-Life Marriage Crisis'. To which I responded by keeping myself centred and rekindling an interest in myself.
I started playing guitar again, after 18yrs. I started taking dancing lessons, Salsa. I got back into photography and post to Flickr and receive fabulous feedback.
All the while her splits still kept occurring. And when she was 'white' she was very very 'white'. And when she goes black- well you know what that's like.
So, since December's bombshell I started keeping a diary. The great things that were happening. The horrible things etc etc
Then, just last week, 5 March after a great couple of days there was another split. And it poured down hard. How I keep bringing her down and belittle her and how I say I have changed (I've actually never said 'I have changed') but I'm still the same and intent on making her feel like shiite.
That cut deep. Emotionally it sapped the last drop out of me.
Thurs 6 March I was sitting at my desk at school and I was trying to think of ways NOT to go home. Not to have to deal with this anymore and then I recalled what she had mentioned to me 2 yrs earlier. She once jokingly said that perhaps she was bipolar. Her sister has often asked her to seek a psych but my W doesn't believe there is anything and a psych wouldn't be able to help anyway.
So I looked at my diary entries from Dec-March and I noticed something VERY peculiar. Every 7-8 days there was this 'split' happening. Just like clockwork. We would have a great week; happy, intimate, close, smiling, laughing and then SNAP! over something minute and trivial.
So I wan a search 'why does my wife's behaviour change every 8 days' and that led me to UpTown's thread where he discusses BiPolar and BPD.
I had tears in my eyes. What have I been living with for 21 yrs? Every single scenario I had lived through except that my wife IS cycling every 8 days. I know she has daily emotional fluctuations over trivial things but she says it is anxiety and she deals with it. Every 8 days there is a MAJOR explosion and no matter what we have done over the previous 7 days, if she had a weapon in her hand I keep thinking she would use it on me!!!
Today, 13 March 2014 I went for a psychoanalyst session. He looked at me and said, 'so what are you doing with your anger?' My anger? Control it, rationalise it. Process it. Then I write, or play guitar or take photos.
Then he asked, 'how much longer can you hold out?'
An excellent question. How much longer?
He agreed that all the examples I had given could place her in the 'extreme BPD' group and that a commitment to long term therapy could be beneficial.
I have booked an appointment for my W. She wants me to go with her (she is already feeling the anxiety even though the appointment is 2 weeks away).
I'm no martyr. I'm no saint. I love my W. I'm not looking for, 'Hey, well done!' There is no 'well done' in this story. It may well be a dark place for many years to come. There has to be hope. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Obviously, there is a lot to this story although I am going to try to keep it short and focus on the most recent events.
***
I have been married for 21yrs. H is 41 and I am 45. We have 3 boys. T (21), Amb (18) and A (9).
We were married in France and I brought my W to Australia in 1993. All of her family live in France.
Reflecting back over the 21 yrs I now accept that what I have been living with WAS NOT and IS NOT normal.
The 'splits' began early on and I always put it down to being separated from family and country. Not having that family support when you need it most can be emotionally a turmoil. I accept this.
Over the years I would be chastised for paying too much attention to our sons. It made me feel like I was not giving my W the 100% that she required. As a result I turned into her 'black' when it came to raising our boys.
Fast forward to 2012 and my W had to rush back to France as her grandmother was very ill. She had to return to her birthtown. She stayed 2 weeks.
For those 2 weeks our homelife was 'normal'. No tension. No arguments. Everyone just 'get's along'. (as we do whenever she is away)
When she returned she looked and sounded rejuvenated. She had regained memories of her childhood. Revisited sites and venues that she had memories of when she was younger.
Fast forward to 2013. H and I planned to go on a 1week holiday with our youngest son. We planned months ahead. I could also sense that there was a need for her to 're-connect' with her family (parents, 2 sisters, uncle, cousins etc) that she hadn't seen since 2008. I talked her into travelling on her own and she agreed as long as I went with Mr 9 on a holiday. Her stay in France was 3weeks.
She returned at the end of Sept 2013. Her sister had cut her hair and when I saw my W I was shocked, she was donning the same hairstyle she had when I met her 21 yrs earlier. Over the course of the next few days I quickly got the impression that she was also treated like the 'little' girl of the family again.
In the dying days of Sept 2013 she sat with me one afternoon and said, "I don't want this. I'm not happy with this life. 'm not happy with you. I hate this house."
My response was calm. 'Ok, what is it that you do want?' To which she replied, 'I don't know but it isn't this.'
Strangely, the month of October was a great month. Smiles. Happiness. Intimacy.
Then in Nov 2013 just after our 21st anniversary everything started to crumble at an alarming rate.
Looking back now I can appreciate the intense emotions of 2013 on my W. She had a double mastectomy, our Amb was admitted to Rehab twice, she smashed her car into mine in our front driveway, I had been promoted and was spending less time at home.
Emotionally I wasn't there for her. So she filled the void with someone at work which evolved from an EA into a PA within the course of 4weeks. His first approach came just after our 21st Anniversary. Her recollection of the 4 weeks is pretty shattered even to this day. She can't recall many details and the details she can recall were quite explicit. I often look back at it and see her as having an 'out-of-body' experience, as if something took her over?
Anyway, on Dec7 2013 I found her drinking alcohol in the backyard. She asked to speak with me and told me about the PA. As I had been prepped back in Sept I did not react in horror or anger. I just looked at her and said, 'Well, you are 40. You are an adult and capable of making decisions on your own. What would you like to do now?'
This caught her off-guard as it wasn't the response she was anticipating. I asked if she had, at any point, considered the consequences to her family and the other man's family? She looked at me and said, 'that never occurred to me'.
This led me to a lot of reading and research and I assumed what she was going through was a 'Mid-Life Marriage Crisis'. To which I responded by keeping myself centred and rekindling an interest in myself.
I started playing guitar again, after 18yrs. I started taking dancing lessons, Salsa. I got back into photography and post to Flickr and receive fabulous feedback.
All the while her splits still kept occurring. And when she was 'white' she was very very 'white'. And when she goes black- well you know what that's like.
So, since December's bombshell I started keeping a diary. The great things that were happening. The horrible things etc etc
Then, just last week, 5 March after a great couple of days there was another split. And it poured down hard. How I keep bringing her down and belittle her and how I say I have changed (I've actually never said 'I have changed') but I'm still the same and intent on making her feel like shiite.
That cut deep. Emotionally it sapped the last drop out of me.
Thurs 6 March I was sitting at my desk at school and I was trying to think of ways NOT to go home. Not to have to deal with this anymore and then I recalled what she had mentioned to me 2 yrs earlier. She once jokingly said that perhaps she was bipolar. Her sister has often asked her to seek a psych but my W doesn't believe there is anything and a psych wouldn't be able to help anyway.
So I looked at my diary entries from Dec-March and I noticed something VERY peculiar. Every 7-8 days there was this 'split' happening. Just like clockwork. We would have a great week; happy, intimate, close, smiling, laughing and then SNAP! over something minute and trivial.
So I wan a search 'why does my wife's behaviour change every 8 days' and that led me to UpTown's thread where he discusses BiPolar and BPD.
I had tears in my eyes. What have I been living with for 21 yrs? Every single scenario I had lived through except that my wife IS cycling every 8 days. I know she has daily emotional fluctuations over trivial things but she says it is anxiety and she deals with it. Every 8 days there is a MAJOR explosion and no matter what we have done over the previous 7 days, if she had a weapon in her hand I keep thinking she would use it on me!!!
Today, 13 March 2014 I went for a psychoanalyst session. He looked at me and said, 'so what are you doing with your anger?' My anger? Control it, rationalise it. Process it. Then I write, or play guitar or take photos.
Then he asked, 'how much longer can you hold out?'
An excellent question. How much longer?
He agreed that all the examples I had given could place her in the 'extreme BPD' group and that a commitment to long term therapy could be beneficial.
I have booked an appointment for my W. She wants me to go with her (she is already feeling the anxiety even though the appointment is 2 weeks away).
I'm no martyr. I'm no saint. I love my W. I'm not looking for, 'Hey, well done!' There is no 'well done' in this story. It may well be a dark place for many years to come. There has to be hope. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Put the internet to work for you.
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