I would really like to get advice about my marriage. A bit of background info: we have been married almost 2 years, were together for a year before that, and I'm 21 (was 18 when we met and 19 when we married). I feel like his heart is in the right place, and he is not a bad person at all, but he does NOT communicate well with me, or really listen to me. My feelings have just been built up so much. When I'm not talking about my feelings, we get along great and he's nice to me! It's when I try to talk about my feelings that it all turns bad.
I feel like he doesn't communicate well or listen to me much at all. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even really know me. I think this is because of where he is from (Sri Lanka)/the way he was brought up.
He never tells me how he's feeling, and when he's upset about something, instead of letting me in he just goes silent/moody about it and withdraws. As a person who loves to talk about feelings/needs to feel connected, this is horrible to deal with. I did try to change it at first by begging him to just let me in because during our first year he did it constantly. He has improved on the moodiness but still doesn't let me in. He's like this with all his friends too, it's the way he is. For example, a friend of his (who he's been good friends with for about 8 years now) recently stopped communicating with him. Instead of just texting him asking what the problem is, he has decided to just stop texting/calling the person, which doesn't resolve anything. He also does this a lot with me. A lot of the time if he thinks I am in a mood with him about something, instead of trying to sort it out/ask me what's wrong/argue about it, he just goes in a mood with me back. It is so frustrating!! So whatever I was in a mood about doesn't get resolved, because I end up having to sort it out with him.
Another example of his behaviour: He's constantly on his phone, he answers his phone all the time. Whenever it rings, he has to answer it and chats away for ages. He does this when we are in the middle of watching a movie together, when we are out at the shops together, even when he's in the middle of saying something to me!! And he never says "hold on its ___" he just answers it like mid-sentence. I feel I've been really patient about it and put up with it for 2 years but a few months ago I got p*ssed off (he started Skyping his father for like 40 mins when we were out together) and I told him I was annoyed that he did that. His response was to walk away from me when we were walking back together and then we didn't speak for a good 2 days after. So it makes me bottle up my feelings because I can't tell him how I'm feeling without this kind of thing happening.
I've been feeling unhappy with us for a while but I was scared to say something. Anyway I finally told him how I felt over the phone when I was staying at my mums for a week. I told him that I felt like we had no communication, and that since we'd been married it wasn't the same and I wouldn't have done it if I knew it would be like this etc. etc. He seemed to take it very well and agreed with me about needing space, saying he'd move out at the end of the month to give me time etc. etc. I was relieved and surprised that he'd listened to me and taken it well. But when I got back he acted like everything was hunky dory, being nice to me and not acting at all like I'd just told him my feelings had changed. I was confused and I brought it up again a few days later, saying 'Why are you acting the same again? I thought you listened to me but you didn't' and he said 'What's there to talk about? You want me to bring it up every day?'. I said 'if you told me you didn't feel the same about me anymore, alarm bells would ring and I wouldn't just continue as normal, I would think there's something that needs fixing'. He became defensive saying "What have I done? I've been nice to you" and I said "I know, but I'm saying I feel like you don't listen to me, after everything I told you, you just ignore it and try to carry on as normal". His behaviour really confuses me.
When I asked him again today why he has ignored me when I've told him how I felt, he said "You seem happy". I think he does have a point when he says that. From the outside I do. But it's because he never delves deeper with me. He has never once asked me how I feel, am I happy, is everything ok. So obviously I appear happy on the surface. It's also really hard to tell him my feelings now, because they don't get listened to, and I don't have the energy.
I am so so so confused and hurt by everything that has happened. At this point, I honestly wish I never got married. I have so many feelings just bottled up, I feel like I will explode soon! I also can't really talk to anybody about it. All my friends are young and I don't want to keep bringing others down! Can anyone please help me? Am I the problem? What should I do? I'm not happy at all.
I feel like he doesn't communicate well or listen to me much at all. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even really know me. I think this is because of where he is from (Sri Lanka)/the way he was brought up.
He never tells me how he's feeling, and when he's upset about something, instead of letting me in he just goes silent/moody about it and withdraws. As a person who loves to talk about feelings/needs to feel connected, this is horrible to deal with. I did try to change it at first by begging him to just let me in because during our first year he did it constantly. He has improved on the moodiness but still doesn't let me in. He's like this with all his friends too, it's the way he is. For example, a friend of his (who he's been good friends with for about 8 years now) recently stopped communicating with him. Instead of just texting him asking what the problem is, he has decided to just stop texting/calling the person, which doesn't resolve anything. He also does this a lot with me. A lot of the time if he thinks I am in a mood with him about something, instead of trying to sort it out/ask me what's wrong/argue about it, he just goes in a mood with me back. It is so frustrating!! So whatever I was in a mood about doesn't get resolved, because I end up having to sort it out with him.
Another example of his behaviour: He's constantly on his phone, he answers his phone all the time. Whenever it rings, he has to answer it and chats away for ages. He does this when we are in the middle of watching a movie together, when we are out at the shops together, even when he's in the middle of saying something to me!! And he never says "hold on its ___" he just answers it like mid-sentence. I feel I've been really patient about it and put up with it for 2 years but a few months ago I got p*ssed off (he started Skyping his father for like 40 mins when we were out together) and I told him I was annoyed that he did that. His response was to walk away from me when we were walking back together and then we didn't speak for a good 2 days after. So it makes me bottle up my feelings because I can't tell him how I'm feeling without this kind of thing happening.
I've been feeling unhappy with us for a while but I was scared to say something. Anyway I finally told him how I felt over the phone when I was staying at my mums for a week. I told him that I felt like we had no communication, and that since we'd been married it wasn't the same and I wouldn't have done it if I knew it would be like this etc. etc. He seemed to take it very well and agreed with me about needing space, saying he'd move out at the end of the month to give me time etc. etc. I was relieved and surprised that he'd listened to me and taken it well. But when I got back he acted like everything was hunky dory, being nice to me and not acting at all like I'd just told him my feelings had changed. I was confused and I brought it up again a few days later, saying 'Why are you acting the same again? I thought you listened to me but you didn't' and he said 'What's there to talk about? You want me to bring it up every day?'. I said 'if you told me you didn't feel the same about me anymore, alarm bells would ring and I wouldn't just continue as normal, I would think there's something that needs fixing'. He became defensive saying "What have I done? I've been nice to you" and I said "I know, but I'm saying I feel like you don't listen to me, after everything I told you, you just ignore it and try to carry on as normal". His behaviour really confuses me.
When I asked him again today why he has ignored me when I've told him how I felt, he said "You seem happy". I think he does have a point when he says that. From the outside I do. But it's because he never delves deeper with me. He has never once asked me how I feel, am I happy, is everything ok. So obviously I appear happy on the surface. It's also really hard to tell him my feelings now, because they don't get listened to, and I don't have the energy.
I am so so so confused and hurt by everything that has happened. At this point, I honestly wish I never got married. I have so many feelings just bottled up, I feel like I will explode soon! I also can't really talk to anybody about it. All my friends are young and I don't want to keep bringing others down! Can anyone please help me? Am I the problem? What should I do? I'm not happy at all.
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