Chose to be an escort over him, can he forgive me?

What I had is "gone" cause of what I have done and I cannot forgive myself for the pain that I have caused but I am hoping he can forgive me. Since 2004 I have been in a relationship with a man that knows more about me then I know about myself, has seen who I am and knew what I could become cause of a life he lived 10 years before we met. Now here we are, nearly 9 years into this relationship and I have to say that what we have is a "distressed relationship" cause I am not sure if there is anything can fix this so this is the reason I am posting this here cause I/we need input from others as there is no situation like what we have been through or at least I can't locate anything that is even remotely similar to give us something to reference to so please reply to this freely! 1 month ago I confessed to being an escort, something he learned about over a year ago but only had suspicion. After a brutal fight in October 2011 he tried to tell me he could make it all go away but I wouldn't listen. In Feb 2012 began our battles in court dealing with a restraining order I put on him and criminal charges that were placed against me, which ended in Aug 2012. At this time I told him how much I needed him, which he believes was only to get me out of being charged for assault while I was in a rage and "gone". We had seen a counselor in January 2012 and after that I ran to what I can say I didn't extinguish in Dec 2011 like I know I should have when he performed a Shock and Awe Campaign – shopping which included the most beautiful ring, dinner dates, movie night, meeting friends I had only heard about throughout our relationship, going out playing pool and hanging out with these friends and to top it off a trip to beautiful hotel, walk on the boardwalk in the snow and the finale, the proposal. Even after all of this, which was everything I wanted all the years prior but I didn't say YES. After the counseling appointment in Jan 2012 which he said to the doctor when he was asked into the session was this just a bashing session about him? I ran. The doctor knew I was in distress cause of our problems and he tried to get me to go back but I wouldn't and have since learned I would have been committed had I. It was needed that is for sure, and had I gone back to the doctor like he wanted me to, I would have avoided what I became which something I was curious about as I told him but even working in a bar as an entertainer to make extra money, I had never done this. I am an office professional not anything more. But why I was even curious I really don't know, who wants to become or has curiosity about being a escort?? I was helping post ad's that were being posted for other girls in Nov 2011 as that is where I found myself after leaving cause of our fight and the fact I couldn't listen to him and believe all this trouble could be made to go away. I rented a room in a rooming house cause I had to stay in the state cause of this legal matter we got ourselves into. Now here we are, a year later and I manipulated him into caring about me again knowing that I have now committed the ultimate sin and knowing that he wouldn't be able to live with what I have confessed to cause like I mentioned he had been through this with another person 10 years before me and couldn't deal with it, but as he has said he didn't care for her like he had cared for me. I had chipped away at the bond we had while we were hooked on drugs in 2006 and he states that this is the reason we fought all these years, but also has said that he was able to rationalize what I did at that time but was not able to forget since I allowed someone to f*** me so that I could get us drugs. Should our relationship have been over then, probably but we managed to get through it and rebuild. There have been several times throughout the years that we fought and I would run only to come back again and rebuild each time but only after adding to the pain cause of things I had done while we were apart and lies I had told him and things I did to manipulate him into wanting me back. My family was always getting involved, mainly my mother who was selfishly trying to get me away from the man that I loved, she put me in such a weak state of mind that I crumbled. I listened to her need for me and with him not getting along with my family even though he tried, it was a hard battle. I shouldn't have been forced to choose. But, to add to this I should have, and should have chosen my man and his family over my own family as they were only looking out for my best interest and were never selfish. My mother is someone that I am very much like but I never wanted to be exactly like her but that is what I became. He has been as forgiving as one person could be and now I am asking him to forgive me again, for the last time as I know at this point I have lost him and this is something I never imagined would ever happen, I never expected to be without him and I know that he want's to get over this but I don't think that he can and what I am seeing him go through now is horrible and I so wish I could take the pain away but I cant… So I ask, what can become of us? How can he get over what I have done? Is there anyway that we can rebuild and get back the bond that I have destroyed? Can he ever believe me again since I have told so many lies? Will he put himself through this again knowing what our past has been? I have surrendered, I have confessed, I am trying not to lie and provide and full transparency that a relationship needs, I am willing to get help and change, but is it all to late? Hopeful but realistically I fear that what I had is gone!

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