BPD and Co Dependent??????? I pushed again!!

I'm 42 years old my 2nd husband is 30. I came from a very disfuntional home. My parents were both alcholics, alot of physical abuse and sexual abuse. When I was 5 my father was told by a family member that my mother had an affair so he took one of the butcher knives and stabbed her repeatly. She received a blood transfusion and recovered she never pressed charges so at that time the police could do nothing. I had a brother at about the same time sexually abuse me and did it a number of times, not sure how many exactly. My grandfather tried but I fought him off. My husband is about the most loving person anyone could meet and that is not a joke he loves me so deeply but yet I kept pushing him away why??? not normal. so so so much more to the story I could write a book. Was a stripper 25 years ago, depended on painkillers for 10 years but somehow had enough sense to give them up and cigarettes (2 packs a day on and off since age 13) for over a year now but scared to let go of my heart with this man who loves me like NOBODY else. He said he thought I was BPD and he was co dependent? I pushed him out for the 3rd time why? He is getting any apartment (can't blame him)This is a cycle with me. I'm at my end I can't do this again. I keep self destructing. I have contacted a therapist. I tried to do this alone I can't. Any healthy thoughts?

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