Hi, so, I'm well aware that I can't be the first in this kind of situation. So I'm interested to hear what others in my position have done and how they find it.
So, to give you the background. My Wife and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10 years. We have two daughters (8 and 6).
Our relationship has been rocky, due to the following:
Her Temper
My W has an extreme temper (to the point that her family gave me lots of warnings about it when we first got together). Her anger can be triggered by anything, a wrong word, me buying the wrong kind of bread...anything.
Her anger is extreme and I've always felt that it would be the same level if I had missed a spot with the vacuuming or had slept with her sister.
Her anger has, a few times, spilled over to violence, in one extreme example, she repeatedly kicked me on the floor until she broke one of my ribs. I should add (and I'm certainly not defending her actions) that she's only become violent 3 times in 17 years.
I must add that, when she has lost her temper, there are no lengths to which she will not go in what she does or what she says to make me feel awful. Some examples are 'She wishes that she had never met me', 'she and the children would be better off if I was dead'.
I must also add that I have never ever heard her apologise, no matter how bad she gets.
Intimacy & Desire
She has never been a very intimate person, I've always known that and for the first years of our relationship I was ok with it.
I was over the moon when we got together. I should point out that I've never had any level of intimacy with any other woman ever in my life. When she and I got together I just thought this was the one girl on earth who would be with me. For years I felt terrified that she would leave me and it would be all over.
I've always desired her, and to this day think that she is clever and very good looking and a still find her attractive. I should add that we do have sex (about once a month) but there is a very limited number of things that she will do with me, which includes kissing, she doesn't like to kiss me unless she needs to.
More recently I've been becoming upset about her lack of displaying desire toward me and I did speak to her about it. After 3 days of rage from her, she finally said (as she has done before) that she is not a 'kissy & cuddly person' and I just need to accept it or leave. She also said that she's never been sexually attracted to anyone (including movie stars, pop stars, etc..), which actually made me feel slightly better (i.e. it is her, not me).
I feel now that the idea of someone being attracted to me is something that I have and will never experience. But then, when I was younger, I never expected to experience that anyway, so I don't know why I am expecting it now.
Should I leave?
I have considered leaving her but this leaves me with two dilemmas:
1. The Children - I adore my girls and the thought of being a 'weekend dad' feels like the end of the world. Currently I make sure I see them every day, I regularly help out in their school and am a member of the school's PTA. I want to be involved in their life as much as possible while they are still young enough, otherwise I'll find that they are suddenly teenagers (who don't want their daddy hanging around) and I will have missed them growing up.
2. Financial - We live in London, which as you may or may not know, is a ludicrously expensive place to live. If I move out, my wife's pay will not cover our mortgage and our join pay will certainly not cover accommodation for two houses/flats(apartments). If I move out then I will need to either pay a good chunk of my income to her, to keep the house, meaning that I'll have to move a long way from them to be able to find somewhere to live. If I don't pay her the money, she will have to move area and move the girls out of their school and away from their friends.
So, has anyone else been in this position? What have they done about it and what was the outcome?
So, to give you the background. My Wife and I have been together for 17 years and married for 10 years. We have two daughters (8 and 6).
Our relationship has been rocky, due to the following:
Her Temper
My W has an extreme temper (to the point that her family gave me lots of warnings about it when we first got together). Her anger can be triggered by anything, a wrong word, me buying the wrong kind of bread...anything.
Her anger is extreme and I've always felt that it would be the same level if I had missed a spot with the vacuuming or had slept with her sister.
Her anger has, a few times, spilled over to violence, in one extreme example, she repeatedly kicked me on the floor until she broke one of my ribs. I should add (and I'm certainly not defending her actions) that she's only become violent 3 times in 17 years.
I must add that, when she has lost her temper, there are no lengths to which she will not go in what she does or what she says to make me feel awful. Some examples are 'She wishes that she had never met me', 'she and the children would be better off if I was dead'.
I must also add that I have never ever heard her apologise, no matter how bad she gets.
Intimacy & Desire
She has never been a very intimate person, I've always known that and for the first years of our relationship I was ok with it.
I was over the moon when we got together. I should point out that I've never had any level of intimacy with any other woman ever in my life. When she and I got together I just thought this was the one girl on earth who would be with me. For years I felt terrified that she would leave me and it would be all over.
I've always desired her, and to this day think that she is clever and very good looking and a still find her attractive. I should add that we do have sex (about once a month) but there is a very limited number of things that she will do with me, which includes kissing, she doesn't like to kiss me unless she needs to.
More recently I've been becoming upset about her lack of displaying desire toward me and I did speak to her about it. After 3 days of rage from her, she finally said (as she has done before) that she is not a 'kissy & cuddly person' and I just need to accept it or leave. She also said that she's never been sexually attracted to anyone (including movie stars, pop stars, etc..), which actually made me feel slightly better (i.e. it is her, not me).
I feel now that the idea of someone being attracted to me is something that I have and will never experience. But then, when I was younger, I never expected to experience that anyway, so I don't know why I am expecting it now.
Should I leave?
I have considered leaving her but this leaves me with two dilemmas:
1. The Children - I adore my girls and the thought of being a 'weekend dad' feels like the end of the world. Currently I make sure I see them every day, I regularly help out in their school and am a member of the school's PTA. I want to be involved in their life as much as possible while they are still young enough, otherwise I'll find that they are suddenly teenagers (who don't want their daddy hanging around) and I will have missed them growing up.
2. Financial - We live in London, which as you may or may not know, is a ludicrously expensive place to live. If I move out, my wife's pay will not cover our mortgage and our join pay will certainly not cover accommodation for two houses/flats(apartments). If I move out then I will need to either pay a good chunk of my income to her, to keep the house, meaning that I'll have to move a long way from them to be able to find somewhere to live. If I don't pay her the money, she will have to move area and move the girls out of their school and away from their friends.
So, has anyone else been in this position? What have they done about it and what was the outcome?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment