| Anon - I know people on here and really aren't that comfortable with my identity :(
I don't really expect many people to reply to this and it's almost certain to come across as close to incoherent babbling, but I just need an outlet at the moment.
Let's start with the bits I'm (relatively) sure of. I'm an 18 year old male in London. I'm also bisexual, but haven't "come out" as such so everyone assumes I'm hetero as I've never said otherwise and don't 'look' gay. Although like many bisexuals I am more often attracted to people of one gender than another (in this case, females) I certainly experience romantic attraction to both.
My main problem is when it comes to friendship really. I really do not get the stereotypical male friendships. The whole "Lad" culture is just totally crass. I think the worst thing is the idea that men can't share anything personal with one-another. Anything to do with emotions, thoughts etc is classified as either "boring" or, most commonly, "gay". I can get along with other guys no problem, but any real friendship is another matter as there's just so many aspects I don't care for in the slightest and so many things important to me that other men seem to simply not care about. When it comes to clubbing, or ogling after 'fit' girls or whatever I'll actively avoid the situation - perhaps partly a product of my Catholic upbringing, but one-night stands and such have no appeal to me. Relationships - wonderful, but just sex on it's own doesn't do much for me.
What I really want is the kind of friendships women have. I'm aware that I'm massively generalising here, but it seems at least from where I'm standing that this is the case. I don't care what the person's actual gender is, but everything about the normal female-female relationship seems to be what I want. Having a friend you can actually talk to properly about anything, without being dismissed as "gay" or having a sexual interest assumed. Girly nights in. Everything. I'm really not a sex-orientated person like most guys, but the fact I'm male precludes me from friendship or at least means I have to have a different kind of friendship.
Heck, I'm more than not being sex-orientated, it's just the least important thing ever to me. I don't masturbate. I've not masturbated once in my life. It's not that I have a moral issue with it, I don't see one in the slightest, it's just totally meh to me. I know that's pretty abnormal, but it's the truth. I've tried watching porn just to prove to myself that I'm normal, but no matter what type it is, gay, lesbian, mixed, I just don't care about it. I do experience sexual attraction, but only to real people, and only when I actually know them. It's like I'm attracted to personality rather than gender or indeed anything physical, but that doesn't mean I'm against sex - I think it's good, but it's just a part of a relationship rather than what defines it.
Although it may not sound like it, personally I'm comfortable with who I am. I don't feel like I'm a woman really or anything, although I don't feel "manly" either. What I'm really really uncomfortable with is how society reacts to who I am, and the way I'm treated for it. It's not that I wish I was the other gender/sex: it's more that I HATE gender altogether. I hate living up to stereotypes. I feel like a square with a choice of rectangular wholes - although I can fit into some but not all different groups, I'm not really a part of any of them. But I don't want to be a rectangle, either. I want the entire ****ing wall to fall down and leave me and everyone else to be individuals, but it's never going to happen, not in this world anyway. Being like this is making me really unhappy, although I think I'm worse at the moment party due to exam stress. I feel like I'd be happier if I was someone else, but I either can't or don't want to be someone else. I wouldn't necessarily say I want to change, but I feel like I'd be so so so much happier if I'd been born gay rather than bi, or even if I was born as a woman. But I can't become gay - I'll always like women, and that makes things harder. I've thought about lying - coming out as gay, pretending I don't like women, embracing a more stereotypical gay lifestyle. But it's not fair on me, or anyone else. Although I'd love to have a platonic friendship with women, I'm kidding myself if I say that it's not possible entirely because I'm assumed to be straight and women don't want those kind of friendships with a straight guy - I would have the potential to be attracted to them and **** things up. The only other way I'd feel happy is if I'd been born female, but I couldn't really transition. I don't know how my family would react, but I doubt it'd be positive and I love them, I couldn't dream of losing them. My mum is the only person I'd told about my sexuality, and the response really didn't help me - she t hinks it's probably just a phase, and that I can't really know my sexuality as I'm "too young" (I was 17 when I told her I think, may have been 18). Partly because she's "never noticed me looking at guys" :mad: . I don't want to think of how she'd react if I was trans - and I don't think I am really. I feel like I'm confused and that I'm kidding myself. I don't feel comfortable anywhere. I don't want to insult trans people or anything by trying to be something I'm not, as I don't feel like a woman. I'm just not the man I'm expected to be, and I really really hate it. |
