My marriage has been having trouble for a while now. Probably a good year and a half. It all started when we bought our first home and we had a property dispute with a neighbor. My husband suddenly became very aggressive and angry person (marching around the front yard all puffed up and staring at the neighbors house, spitting in their general direction, playing really aggressive rap music out a back window very loud to bother them). He was never like that before. I would tell him he needed to cool off and not get so mad. He was only making things worst. His response was that he was a man and he was going to stand up to the neighbors and I would not understand because I am a woman. When we would argue about it he would say that we cannot stay together because I do not get him. It was shocking to hear him say that because in my mind. This was small issue and it was mostly his issue, he needed anger management, and not something that I would ever think would separate us. Eventually the dispute ended in our favor and things settled back down. He even started going to therapy.
Then we got pregnant. Which was amazing! We both wanted kids for a very long time. We had a few arguments during the pregnancy, mostly about his aggression and I felt he was drinking too much. On one particularly bad night he was drinking and told me that some girl her worked with told him she would "f*#k him". Obviously I was very upset about it. We talked about it later and he said he was sorry he told me that way. The incident upset him and was uncomfortable at work because of it. I told him he should report it to his boss or HR because she was his subordinate and I did not want it to become a sexual harassment issue, and that he needed to tell her it was disrespectful to say that to a married man and then put some distance between them. So again, things leveled out. We had our baby boy and all seemed well.
Until about month or so after the baby was born, he started going out drinking regularly. Also he started smoking weed almost every day. I was not happy about it and told him so. On the flip side he was much less angry. Then one day about 2 months ago, I noticed he was sending texts and immediately deleting them. I thought that was odd but just assumed he was talking to his drinking buddies and he would not want me to know about a planned outing. Then a couple days later I picked up his phone to send myself some pictures he took that day, and I saw a text he sent to the girl he used to work with (at this point they had not been working together for 3 months) which was requesting her to text him back, "please". It was this please that struck me. It seemed strange to ask someone that you supposedly have no care for to please text you back. He also used her name in the text, which again seemed wrong. I put the phone down and he quickly picked it up. When I picked it u p again a few minutes later the text was gone. I asked him about it. He gave me some dumb story about her needing help with a job application and offered to buy him coffee as a thank you. He just wanted her to pay up. I was not buying it.
A couple days later, I figured out how to look up "deleted" text on an iphone. He fell asleep on the couch and I took the opportunity. Bingo! I found a number of messages that he sent to her about wanting to be with her. Telling her that he would wait for her for 10 years (she had a boyfriend). That he would be there for her and her kids. Even a somewhat sexually explicit message about oral sex. At that point I woke his ass up! He was shocked and crying and begging my forgiveness. I was cold and assertive. I could not believe it! I had never even suspected. He maintains that it was just a texting relationship. He had a crush and I was somewhat distant after the baby, so he craved the attention. It was a moment of weakness. They never acted on it. I tried to remain positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. There were a few factors that backed his story. She lives far away in another town; he is never gone for very long so meeting up would be difficult; I saw a few messages he sent telling her he wanted to stop communicating with her. I told him I needed full transparency, I wanted to see all the messages from him and her (I had yet to see her messages to him), and I needed him to make some changes (less drinking, weed, and anger). I felt there was only so much compromise I could make in this relationship and if I was going to accept this something else had to give. He agreed to all my terms. We were even looking into therapy.
For awhile things were great. He was a wonderful and doting husband. He was stepping up as a father too. He never left my side, for about a month or so. Then it started again. The drinking, the smoking weed, and today, the anger. He says the neighbor was staring at him and parked in front our house. I told him repeatedly that I did not like that and I did not want our son to see this type of behavior. He basically told me that he could not be with me if I feel that way. That I should just leave and stop wasting his time. This is a constant issue when we fight. He always says that we should just end it and stop wasting time. That he will need to look for an apartment. It's infuriating! I cannot stand it when he immediately jumps to divorce or separation when we argue. It is so damaging. Which I have told him. Yet he always says stuff like this.
Right now I am feeling pushed to place where I am not sure I want to stay. I feel I am making too many compromises. I keep telling him we need therapy and he just ignores me. I think the biggest reason I am not able to just end it is inconvenience. It sounds exhausting and expensive to separate. Financially we are better off together. Neither of us makes much money. But I do not have the energy to fight anymore. I am just not sure what I want or what is best for my son. I need opinions from objective parties, please.
Then we got pregnant. Which was amazing! We both wanted kids for a very long time. We had a few arguments during the pregnancy, mostly about his aggression and I felt he was drinking too much. On one particularly bad night he was drinking and told me that some girl her worked with told him she would "f*#k him". Obviously I was very upset about it. We talked about it later and he said he was sorry he told me that way. The incident upset him and was uncomfortable at work because of it. I told him he should report it to his boss or HR because she was his subordinate and I did not want it to become a sexual harassment issue, and that he needed to tell her it was disrespectful to say that to a married man and then put some distance between them. So again, things leveled out. We had our baby boy and all seemed well.
Until about month or so after the baby was born, he started going out drinking regularly. Also he started smoking weed almost every day. I was not happy about it and told him so. On the flip side he was much less angry. Then one day about 2 months ago, I noticed he was sending texts and immediately deleting them. I thought that was odd but just assumed he was talking to his drinking buddies and he would not want me to know about a planned outing. Then a couple days later I picked up his phone to send myself some pictures he took that day, and I saw a text he sent to the girl he used to work with (at this point they had not been working together for 3 months) which was requesting her to text him back, "please". It was this please that struck me. It seemed strange to ask someone that you supposedly have no care for to please text you back. He also used her name in the text, which again seemed wrong. I put the phone down and he quickly picked it up. When I picked it u p again a few minutes later the text was gone. I asked him about it. He gave me some dumb story about her needing help with a job application and offered to buy him coffee as a thank you. He just wanted her to pay up. I was not buying it.
A couple days later, I figured out how to look up "deleted" text on an iphone. He fell asleep on the couch and I took the opportunity. Bingo! I found a number of messages that he sent to her about wanting to be with her. Telling her that he would wait for her for 10 years (she had a boyfriend). That he would be there for her and her kids. Even a somewhat sexually explicit message about oral sex. At that point I woke his ass up! He was shocked and crying and begging my forgiveness. I was cold and assertive. I could not believe it! I had never even suspected. He maintains that it was just a texting relationship. He had a crush and I was somewhat distant after the baby, so he craved the attention. It was a moment of weakness. They never acted on it. I tried to remain positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. There were a few factors that backed his story. She lives far away in another town; he is never gone for very long so meeting up would be difficult; I saw a few messages he sent telling her he wanted to stop communicating with her. I told him I needed full transparency, I wanted to see all the messages from him and her (I had yet to see her messages to him), and I needed him to make some changes (less drinking, weed, and anger). I felt there was only so much compromise I could make in this relationship and if I was going to accept this something else had to give. He agreed to all my terms. We were even looking into therapy.
For awhile things were great. He was a wonderful and doting husband. He was stepping up as a father too. He never left my side, for about a month or so. Then it started again. The drinking, the smoking weed, and today, the anger. He says the neighbor was staring at him and parked in front our house. I told him repeatedly that I did not like that and I did not want our son to see this type of behavior. He basically told me that he could not be with me if I feel that way. That I should just leave and stop wasting his time. This is a constant issue when we fight. He always says that we should just end it and stop wasting time. That he will need to look for an apartment. It's infuriating! I cannot stand it when he immediately jumps to divorce or separation when we argue. It is so damaging. Which I have told him. Yet he always says stuff like this.
Right now I am feeling pushed to place where I am not sure I want to stay. I feel I am making too many compromises. I keep telling him we need therapy and he just ignores me. I think the biggest reason I am not able to just end it is inconvenience. It sounds exhausting and expensive to separate. Financially we are better off together. Neither of us makes much money. But I do not have the energy to fight anymore. I am just not sure what I want or what is best for my son. I need opinions from objective parties, please.
Put the internet to work for you.
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