A friend pointed me to this forum. I've seen some of the stories. I don't know how original mine will be. But I do hope I can get some help.
I'm 37 and my wife is 45. We were married almost 10 years ago but lived together 5 years before that. Right up to about the 2nd year of our marriage sex was absolutely awesome. Because the sex was awesome it seemed like everything else, while stressful at times, was awesome too. We communicated, we problem-solved, we had similar interests and interests that were not so similar.
She can have multiple orgasms. The only woman I've ever been with who could. On a good day, 4. On a not so good day, 1. There were times I couldn't keep up and I couldn't orgasm but it was still fun trying and I made sure she knew that. There was always cuddling after, talking and then sleep or getting ready for work. She was open to new ideas, toys, clothes etc. We didn't try a lot but the new stuff we did try was fun.
As I said, in the 2nd year things started to go down. We both have stressful jobs. I'm able to leave my stress at the door. She can't as much. I make a majority of our income but since we're married I never figured that was an issue. We pay our bills, life goes on. I started asking for sex, sometimes being nice and romantic, sometimes being more aggressive or passionate, like start with just kissing her for no reason than to just kiss. However, rejection was about 50/50. She would still orgasm when we had sex, and it was still more than 1. But we almost never went for 4.
I tried to look for the 'why' as in 'why did the sex stop happening'. Not much had changed in our life that was big. No big debts, no big job changes, nothing negative. We had a positive which was a move into a much larger place in a much better neighborhood. I looked at myself. I've been earning more money and my body hasn't changed as far as gaining weight. I keep myself well groomed and clean.
I sat my wife down for a talk but it seemed like to her 'sex is all you can think about'. It certainly isn't, but the lack of it is. I tried to explain the importance of sex, why we have sex, how great she is at it and how beautiful she looks to me. Once I got that out, I decided to back off. This, perhaps, was a mistake. For almost 2 years we had no sex. I told her that I wouldn't be the initiator and that I would wait for her to feel up for it.
Over 2 years, there was a lot of resentment that built up on my side. I felt hurt, undesired, unloved, neglected. I mean, put in as many words as you can and that's how I felt. Still, on the outside I kept up. I focused more on myself and my health. I had 2 sports related surgeries that I needed to recover from, neither that put out of action as far as work or being able to have sex though.
After 2 years, I had enough. I sat her down again to talk about it. I told her what had happened over the last 2 years. We had drifted apart. We were leading 2 separate lives and were more roommates than spouses. This all started with just not wanting to have sex anymore. Things needed to change, either for the better, as in getting help through counseling or medicine, or that they would get worse, as in divorce. At 37 I'm not ready to give up sex. I'm also not the type of person to have something on the side to keep that part of me satisfied.
That led me to ask if she had something on the side. I told her to be honest. She said no. She explained that she no longer looked at me as her husband so much as her family member. That her love for me had changed and that even kissing me felt wrong. This of course led me to believe that she was getting something on the side but since I had no proof, I couldn't do anything. She continued by saying that she doesn't know why she feels the way she feels.
I needed a couple of days to process this as this was not a happy conversation. The idea of her being unfaithful played was on my mind. She still insists that she's been faithful. That she has lost her desire for sex completely. Understanding that her age could be a factor, I asked if she had had her blood checked, a hormone profile done. She didn't and hasn't felt the need to.
We it comes to kissing, for me this is very important. I asked her if she could stand up and kiss me right now. She said no. I told her that this was something she needed to figure out fast. No more baby steps and thinking that it will resolve itself someday. However, for the last 3 months she never made one appointment or saw one doctor. We now started to fight more and I started to really analyze the last years of our marriage.
Finally, last week, after watching her text friends from our sofa and have such a good time doing so, I decided that it was enough. I told her I wanted a divorce. She thought I was overreacting. I told her she was not reacting appropriately. There was some talk about whether the person she was texting was another man, it wasn't. Still, the fact that she could go on without trying to make things right in our home led me to feel like it was over.
It was only at this point that she said she would go to counseling. She made a very lame attempt at trying to be sexual with me. I say this because it felt very pushed and awkward, nothing like before. There was a little kissing, but again, it felt like she wanted to pull away from it. She wasn't in the moment. It ended half way through.
I see that many people in this situation say "She loves you but she's not IN love with you." Is this always the case? I do love her but right now I hate her just as much. Our fight started in June, it's now July. She says she's going to counseling this month but I haven't heard of an appointment being made yet. She told me she would let me know when and where.
I really want this to work, I really want her to recapture her love for me. But I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm the only person putting in any effort to make things great. If she has no interest in being in a sexual relationship then I can't see this as one that will heal.
Please tell me there are some encouraging stories out there?
I'm 37 and my wife is 45. We were married almost 10 years ago but lived together 5 years before that. Right up to about the 2nd year of our marriage sex was absolutely awesome. Because the sex was awesome it seemed like everything else, while stressful at times, was awesome too. We communicated, we problem-solved, we had similar interests and interests that were not so similar.
She can have multiple orgasms. The only woman I've ever been with who could. On a good day, 4. On a not so good day, 1. There were times I couldn't keep up and I couldn't orgasm but it was still fun trying and I made sure she knew that. There was always cuddling after, talking and then sleep or getting ready for work. She was open to new ideas, toys, clothes etc. We didn't try a lot but the new stuff we did try was fun.
As I said, in the 2nd year things started to go down. We both have stressful jobs. I'm able to leave my stress at the door. She can't as much. I make a majority of our income but since we're married I never figured that was an issue. We pay our bills, life goes on. I started asking for sex, sometimes being nice and romantic, sometimes being more aggressive or passionate, like start with just kissing her for no reason than to just kiss. However, rejection was about 50/50. She would still orgasm when we had sex, and it was still more than 1. But we almost never went for 4.
I tried to look for the 'why' as in 'why did the sex stop happening'. Not much had changed in our life that was big. No big debts, no big job changes, nothing negative. We had a positive which was a move into a much larger place in a much better neighborhood. I looked at myself. I've been earning more money and my body hasn't changed as far as gaining weight. I keep myself well groomed and clean.
I sat my wife down for a talk but it seemed like to her 'sex is all you can think about'. It certainly isn't, but the lack of it is. I tried to explain the importance of sex, why we have sex, how great she is at it and how beautiful she looks to me. Once I got that out, I decided to back off. This, perhaps, was a mistake. For almost 2 years we had no sex. I told her that I wouldn't be the initiator and that I would wait for her to feel up for it.
Over 2 years, there was a lot of resentment that built up on my side. I felt hurt, undesired, unloved, neglected. I mean, put in as many words as you can and that's how I felt. Still, on the outside I kept up. I focused more on myself and my health. I had 2 sports related surgeries that I needed to recover from, neither that put out of action as far as work or being able to have sex though.
After 2 years, I had enough. I sat her down again to talk about it. I told her what had happened over the last 2 years. We had drifted apart. We were leading 2 separate lives and were more roommates than spouses. This all started with just not wanting to have sex anymore. Things needed to change, either for the better, as in getting help through counseling or medicine, or that they would get worse, as in divorce. At 37 I'm not ready to give up sex. I'm also not the type of person to have something on the side to keep that part of me satisfied.
That led me to ask if she had something on the side. I told her to be honest. She said no. She explained that she no longer looked at me as her husband so much as her family member. That her love for me had changed and that even kissing me felt wrong. This of course led me to believe that she was getting something on the side but since I had no proof, I couldn't do anything. She continued by saying that she doesn't know why she feels the way she feels.
I needed a couple of days to process this as this was not a happy conversation. The idea of her being unfaithful played was on my mind. She still insists that she's been faithful. That she has lost her desire for sex completely. Understanding that her age could be a factor, I asked if she had had her blood checked, a hormone profile done. She didn't and hasn't felt the need to.
We it comes to kissing, for me this is very important. I asked her if she could stand up and kiss me right now. She said no. I told her that this was something she needed to figure out fast. No more baby steps and thinking that it will resolve itself someday. However, for the last 3 months she never made one appointment or saw one doctor. We now started to fight more and I started to really analyze the last years of our marriage.
Finally, last week, after watching her text friends from our sofa and have such a good time doing so, I decided that it was enough. I told her I wanted a divorce. She thought I was overreacting. I told her she was not reacting appropriately. There was some talk about whether the person she was texting was another man, it wasn't. Still, the fact that she could go on without trying to make things right in our home led me to feel like it was over.
It was only at this point that she said she would go to counseling. She made a very lame attempt at trying to be sexual with me. I say this because it felt very pushed and awkward, nothing like before. There was a little kissing, but again, it felt like she wanted to pull away from it. She wasn't in the moment. It ended half way through.
I see that many people in this situation say "She loves you but she's not IN love with you." Is this always the case? I do love her but right now I hate her just as much. Our fight started in June, it's now July. She says she's going to counseling this month but I haven't heard of an appointment being made yet. She told me she would let me know when and where.
I really want this to work, I really want her to recapture her love for me. But I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm the only person putting in any effort to make things great. If she has no interest in being in a sexual relationship then I can't see this as one that will heal.
Please tell me there are some encouraging stories out there?
Put the internet to work for you.
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