When you have had enough let it out. A forum style blog about relationship issues and concerns,join in and have your say.
| I didnt think Id make it through the first divorce with all the kids be used and kept from me, said Id never do it again... Then after years of trying to heal I did it again had another child, and blam!! wife #2 leaves and uses keeping my 2 yr old away from me to hurt me more. The quietness of the house now is deafening!!! :( | |||
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| I made hubs a little video, thinking I could email it to him at work. It turned out to be way too large a file to email and he doesn't want it on his work computer. I couldn't find a way to edit the vid to make it shorter without uploading it to a site(I don't want to buy software just for this) and I'm not comfortable doing that for obvious reasons. It's too big a file to keep on his iPad, and I am nervous about it being on my computer. How do you keep these things secure? I'd like to do more for him. I have lots of ideas, I'm just really really nervous about security. Any ideas how to keep these files small and hidden? I'm not very tech savvy when it comes to this sort of thing. | |||
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| I came across this article and thought it would be good for discussion here. I can claim innocence on several, but must admit guilt on several. #13 is a very difficult thing for me because if I leave it up to him, it simply wont happen. It wont happen in my time line and it wont happen in any rational time line. This is something we've both gotten better at but I remain an impatient person by nature so this one is really hard for me. #15 doesn't apply for us personally. I just skipped over all the biblical passage references... 15 Things Wives Should Stop Doing What do your words and actions say to your husband about your love for him? by Mary May Larmoyeux In the 1960s, The Supremes recorded their hit song "Stop! In the Name of Love!" I remember singing the words as a teenager: "Before you break my heart … think it o-o-ver …" Even though I've been married for decades now, it's still important for me to consider my husband's needs. I should think about the possible effects of my careless words, attitudes, and actions before I break his heart. Can you identify? I asked some girlfriends, "What should a wife stop doing if she wants to improve her marriage?" This list is based on their responses. 1. Stop thinking that your way is the "right" way. If he does something differently, it does not mean that it's wrong. When a wife insists on having her own way, she is in essence saying, "I have to be in control." 2. Don't put others before your husband. God designed companionship in marriage so that a husband and wife can meet one another's need for a close, intimate, human relationship. He even said in Genesis 2:18, "It is not good that the man should be alone." So what happens when you put your mother, a friend, or even a child before your spouse? Actually, you take a step (often unintentional) toward isolation in your marriage. If you choose, for example, to spend an afternoon shopping with your mom when your husband asked you to watch a football game with him, you may leave hubby feeling that he has second place in your heart. 3. Don't expect your husband to be your girlfriend. Most men and women not only look different physically, but also have unique ways of processing life. One example of this is the need for conversation. I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm guilty of wearing out my husband with countless conversational details that he doesn't really care about. Now if he was a girlfriend, all of those details would definitely matter! 4. Don't dishonor your husband. Suggestions included: Stop all nagging and don't correct hubby in front of others. If you finish your husband's sentences, you may be unintentionally communicating, "I don't really care about what you have to say." 5. Stop expecting your husband to fail you as your dad failed your mom. "I spent many years waiting for my husband to give up and walk out on me, like my dad had years earlier," said one friend. Her unfounded fears had robbed her marriage of much joy. 6. Don't put your husband on the defensive. For example, if you are driving around a section of town looking for a restaurant and he's obviously lost, does it really help for you to tell him that he's been going around the same block for the fifth time? One wise wife said that she's learned to be quiet in situations like this. Now, before she makes a comment, she weighs her words—asking herself: "Are my words needed? Would they be encouraging?" Proverbs 10:19 says, "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." 7. Never use sex to bargain with your husband. Some women intentionally or unintentionally say to their husbands, "When I get what I want, you get sex." However, 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 reminds husbands and wives that their bodies are not their own. "Do not deprive one another …" 8. Stop reminding your husband about things over and over. Don't make him feel guilty or nitpick him about small stuff. One friend said that when we constantly remind our husbands about diet, weight, medication, picking up the dry cleaning, etc., we are actually acting more like his mother than his wife. 9. Don't make your husband earn your respect. Many women think, I'll respect him when he earns it. But there's a reason that Ephesians 5:33 says, "Let the wife see that she respects her husband." As one friend said: "If women could learn to understand that respect is a man's native tongue, that it absolutely heals his heart and ministers to him like nothing else, it would make the biggest difference in the world." 10. Stop giving your husband your long term to-do list. A colleague warns against overwhelming your husband with too much information. You may unintentionally cause him to feel like a failure, thinking that your long list means you are discontent. Or, he may incorrectly assume that you want him to do something immediately. 11. Don't act like your spouse is a mind reader. Instead, be specific about your requests. One busy mom said that she used to feel overwhelmed with household chores, wishing her spouse would help her. She now realizes that the only way he knows her needs is when she tells him. "Most often," she says, "when I simply say, 'Honey, will you tuck the kids in tonight while I get the kitchen cleaned up,' he is glad to help." She's discovered that a few words are all it takes "to change a resentment-filled, stressed-out night into a team-effort bonding time." 12. Stop putting housework ahead of hubby. One young mom told her husband that she didn't want to make love one night because she had just changed the sheets and she wanted them to stay clean. What do you think that response said to her husband? Another woman, who puts her husband ahead of the housework, said: "Do not leave the unfolded laundry on your marriage bed. 13. Put an end to taking the lead because you think he won't take it. "The first many years of our marriage," one wife said, "I would see what needed to be done and get frustrated that my husband would not take charge and get it done." She went on to say that she's changed by learning to wait on her husband's leadership. "I really believe," she says, "that our men don't lead because we women are too quick to jump in and take care of it all." Ephesians 5:23 says, "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body … ." 14. Do not expect your husband to be Prince Charming. After all, the perfect husband only exists in fairy tales and your marriage exists in real life. One young wife said that instead of focusing on her husband's shortcomings, she's learned to recognize the wonderful things about him. What's been the result? He's been encouraged to do even more to be the man of her dreams. 15. Never look first to a book, a plan, or a person to fix a problem in your marriage. Instead go to God's Word and believe and act on the things that He says. "He will lead me to any resources I need," one woman said. "God has already given us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3) but we have to live according to the promises and expect Him to show up for us." | |||
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| I could have posted this in the ladies lounge, but decided not to be sexist about what I am asking. Also, please don't take what I am asking personal or serious. This is simply all in fun. So think about the other gender: 1. What profession do you think is 'hot'? 2. What profession do you think is 'yawn'? For instance, my wife thinks 1. Pilots and Medical Doctors are 'hot'. 2. Accountants, Dentists and Lawyers are 'yawn'. For me 1. Musicians, nurses and lawyers are 'hot'. 2. Clerical workers, college professors (yes) flight attendants are 'yawn'. | |||
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| ....reading the posts on this forum. Does it suck that much being a 18-25 year old guy? Is it fair to say that most women in their youth are happier than men in their youth? Is it still guys who have the better lives or has the decline of masculinity in the media, in industry, in retail, etc contributed to making mens lives more miserable? Posted from TSR Mobile | |||
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| Broke up in January(been together for two years). Starting speaking again at the end of Febraury(I started it). Stopped speaking a few weeks later(mid March). Still not over her. It's been almost three months now - what do I do? I would post more in-depth but I've posted about it so much that I'm getting sick of repeating it :p | |||
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| ...............because I let them? Why do I let them? ------------because I have no self worth? How do I attract them in the first place? ...............I must subconsciously go for them? So, everytime I date a guy, he will end up treating me like crap and I am not sure why. I want it to stop. I am pretty, intelligent, funny and kind. I will go to great lengths to make whoever I am dating happy. I can be insecure and clingy and I know guys don't like this. Yet I still don't see how this justifies all my exes behaviour towards me. I have always been patient, kind, caring and loyal towards all my exes. Yet all of them turned out to be angry, violent, verbally abusive and ended up ignoring me or stopped caring for me. Is there something wrong with me? Are there certain girls out there who will somehow NEVER end up in this position due to something they have that I don't? Help :( | |||
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| I've liked Ryan on and off ever since we were 13, although I have never told him how I felt until recently. When we were 16, his girlfriend at the time, Emily, cheated on him and left him for my then-boyfriend's best friend, Max. Then, because our boyfriends were friends, Emily and I started spending quite a lot of time together too and for about 6 months we were pretty close. Whenever she had an argument with Max, she would confide in me that she really missed Ryan and regretted what had happened between them. Happy in my own relationship and thinking that nothing would ever happen between Ryan and myself, I would genuinely encourage her to try and make things work again with him etc. 4 years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend and began hanging out with different friends, including Ryan. We have since become good friends and, during this time, I haven't really had any contact with Emily, other than the odd comment on Facebook etc. Over the past few months, I've spent a lot more time with Ryan and started to really like him again and we have kissed a couple of times. Although right now we are just friends and may never actually be anything more, the main thing that is holding me back from taking things further is the thought of Emily's reaction. She and I barely speak and she treated him horribly during their own relationship, but I know that she did really like him and would be hurt if we were together because of our past friendship, which makes me feel guilty. Am I in the wrong or would a relationship in this situation be justified? | |||
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| I've spent the whole of this year in an on/off relationship with an ex. We like each other but ultimately don't get on - needless to say it got really horrible. So when I met this new guy it was like a breath of fresh air. He was wonderful and sweet! He's really nice, intelligent and really good looking. We're interested in the same sorts of things and physically things are good. He texts me and messages me every so often and has told me he really likes me. What I don't understand is why I don't like him more?! I mean, I don't not like him, but here is this genuinely perfect boy who I can see likes me. On paper he is my ideal guy, but I'm just generally not that fussed about him, which upsets me because he's a lovely boy and I don't want to hurt him. has anyone else experienced this before? it's so illogical and driving me crazy! | |||
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| simple , if you could date any male or female in the world , who would it be and why? my choice would have to be Pixie Lott , because she amazing and she seems quite nice and bubbly in interviews. | |||
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| Out of interest, what would be the one piece of advice you'd give your kids? Let's assume this would be the one thing they'd take on board without question. It could be mistakes you made, things you did or didn't do... | |||
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| Erm, anon please or delete. Sorry for the essay. I have been in 4 relationships in my life. The previous 3 I have all fallen out of love with so to speak and ended the relationship. I have been in my current relationship for nearly two years. We talked about moving in with each other (it is mainly for convenience) but we both actually got excited about it and now we are moving on the 24th. However, our sex life has dwindled a lot as at the beginning of the relationship we had sex twice a day or more and now if I am honest I would rather just go to sleep. This has happened in all of my relationships. Sometimes I feel really happy with him and other times I don't feel it will be long term. My only issue is is that I suffer from depression and anxiety and generally feel unwell a lot of the time. I am not sure if this is what has caused the drop in my sex drive but then why would I have so much with him at the start as the depression has been an ongoing problem but has got noticeably worse the last year or so. I don't want to end things with him in case it is just my problems putting the strain on the relationship rather than us not being right for each other. I have no friends or anyone to ask about this. Has anyone been through anything similar or got any thoughts on what I should do? | |||
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| I am no longer getting TAM alerts in my inbox, even though its still checked in the options. How do I contact a Mod to get this fixed? I don't see a thingee to click on. Thanks. | |||
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| How to confront a cheating spouse I wrote this a few months back. Thought someone might find it useful. So you've found out. You didn't catch them together, and they didn't come crying to you. You've found out. Perhaps you only have strrong suspicions, in which case this post isn't for you. But if you KNOW, then read on. Right now I bet you feel like your world is spinning down the plughole. You're not sure whose life you have stepped into but it can't be yours. YOUR wife wouldn't do that. YOUR husband isn't one of THOSE husbands. Well, they are. Sorry about that, but there is no sugarcoating it. And make no mistake, right now you are simply an obstacle to overcome in order for them to get their next fix. You are a stepping stone, a flower they will crush to get what they want. Your feelings are irrelevant to them. You MUST confront. You cannot live in a condition where they are off living a life of sex and magic, whilst you stay at home and feel like your soul is dying. It's just not healthy. You will eventually lose emotional control and confront them in a manner that allows them to confuse you and actually leave you feeling worse than you did before you confronted them, or in a manner that simply destroys anything that remains of the marriage. You MUST confront, and you must do it in a way the best benefits you. Before I get cracking with the meat of this post, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you find yourself reading it. Goals for a confrontation. Partly, the goal of confronting is announcing to the person that their behaviour is unacceptable. It also to inform them that the subterfuge must come to an end, and also show them the pain they have caused and are continuing to cause. There are many reasons for confronting, but there are also some clear goals to aim for when confronting a wayward spouse; 1. The stress and trauma levels of the experience are as low as possible 2. It communicates what you know, how it has made you feel, and your intentions for the future 3. It sets clear and unambigous expectations Effective confrontation It is easy to misfire a confrontation. Betrayed spouses go in determined to set the world to rights, and so often come out of it more cvonfused and afraid than they were before they went in. This is because they go in feeling vulnerable, damaged, afraid, weak, used, betrayed, whereas a wayward spouse meets a confrontation with defensiveness, anger, control, manipulation. It is not a fair, or even fight. Due to this, it is important that the confrontation be decisive and effective. An effective confrontation has the following characteristics; 1. It is prepared for in secrecy 2. It is done in a safe and controlled environment 3. It permits no denials 4. It permits no heated debate and is controlled from the beginning by the betrayed spouse 5. There is a clear structure and is adhered to by a tough BS 6. The "games" are limited Let's look at each of these chacteristics in turn. 1. It is prepared for in secrecy. Secrecy hasn't done your marriage any favours in all honesty, but this one thing you need to keep quiet about. You need to give your wayward spouse no reason to suspect that you know what is going on. They may be in their own little world, but some wayward spouses become very competent and watching their BS for suspicion. If you know, keep it quiet and plan your confrontation. The moment that your cards are on the table for them to read they will leap into action. Evidence will start to become more difficult to find. Passwords will change. email and bank accounts may close and new ones may open in their place. They will do everything possible to achieve one goal - to make it more difficult for you to prove what is going on. You see, waywards live in this weird world where as long as you cannot PROVE what is happening, somehow everything is fine. I'll talk about this more in the "denial" section, but for now rest assured that your best shot as having a successful and least emo tionally traumatic confrontation is to get ready for it on the quiet. 2. It is done in a safe and controlled manner. Your wayward spouse has set off a nuclear bomb in your relationship. This is going to impact friends, families, work. It's going to cost you months or years in profesional help. It's going to take you, personally, years to get over the emotional trauma. It could very well end up in one or two divorces, and children being raised between homes. It's a ****ing nightmare, frankly, and your parter brought it into your safe, loving world. Yet, the amazing thing is that they either are not even aware of what the ramifications are as they live in their own world of denial, or they are fully aware of the pain they could cause, but are so arrogant that they do not believe they would ever get caught anyway. Either way, your wayward spouse's first and instant reaction is going to be anger. Fury, even. This is because you have caught them and their fantasy is coming crashing down. That's really it, to be honest. Oh, they will claim to be angry because you are "controlling" them, because y ou are "interfering" with their life, that you are being cruel and selfish. They will say you have been snooping, you have been prying. They will blame their anger on you by stating that they had an affair because you were abusive, or possibly because you were neglectful, or both. they will be angry and blame you for not having sex, or demanding too much sex. They will be angry for loads of reasons, but really only one. You caught them. The point is that their first reaction will be anger. Now you have two emotionally charged people, one of whom has already proven they are willing to do anytrhing and hurt anyone to get whwat they want. This is not a recipe for a heartfelt, honest discussion. It is a recipe for a a ****storm. Your role is to ensure that this ****storm is pissed on before it gets going. So choose your time and location carefully to create an environment that is safe. to help this you can 1. Avoid confronting when the kids are present.They are going to go through enough pain. 2. If you have ANY cause to worry about your physical safety then have a friend with you when you confront. 3. Have an exit. Don't get trapped in a house with your wayward spouse screaming at you. 4. Let a friend know what is going to happen. It's good to have emotional support and you may decide when contfronting that you just want out. That's fine. 5. Choose a location that does not permit anger to escalate. One person I know confronted in a library. No raised voices. 6. Choose your time carefully. People are prone to grouchiness in the morning and perhaps the odd tipple in the evening. 3. It permits no denials OK, let's get something clear. If you do not have iron-clad, undeniable evidence, then there is no point confronting. You are going to have to hold off confronting until you do have that evidence. You see, we all have this dream. In this dream, the affair is a horrible, horrible mistake. Your wayward spouse has either been seduced, or they have somehow taken temporary leave of their senses. In the dream the moment we confront them with even the slightest suspicion of innapropriate thought they will fall to their knees in supplication, distraught with grief and remorse, and beg your forgiveness for their stupidity. In this dream our sweetie still exists, but has somehow just lost their way for a moment, and a confrontation will bring them crashing to their senses and back into your arms so that they can make all the pain go away. We all think like that. Of course we do. It's our mental defense of what is happening. It's our mind's way of minimising the betraying and associated pain. It is, of course, complete bull****. Your spouse knew what they were doing. They will deny anything and everything. You can find them on a cathedral altar, lightly greased in fat, up to their nuts in your best friend whilst she screams "betray the *****", and they will claim that somehow YOU are the one mistaken. the same is true for women. You could come home and find them doing a handstand on the sofa with a cucumber up her arse whilst blowing your father, and she would claim that she had actually been doing the newspaper crossword. You need evidence. A confrontation works best when the wayward spouse has nowhere to move, nothing to argue. The most effective confrontation is one where the betrayed spouse says "here's what you have been up to" rather than "what have you been up to". If you find emails, print them out. If you have texts, print them out. Make TWO copies and take one to the confrontation. I know of at least one that grabbed all the evidence tore it to p ieces, jumped up and down on it, and then looked his wife in the eye and told her that SHE was the one with issues. So here's some tips on how to avoid denials 1. Gather evidence in advance and have it ready. the more sources the better. Thill potentially help you legally in the long term. 2. Understand what you know. They are going to try and tell you that you are insane. Be sure of yourself before your begin and keep reminding yourself of this. 2. Do not reveal all your cards in the confrontation. Tell them you know everything but don't show them everything you know. There is always more to know. 3. If they start to deny, tell them you are not interested and the time for treating you like a fool is over. Then go quiet and wait for them to start again. 4. If you have something devastating, use that to cripple any argument at the beginning. I asked my wife if she had anything to tell me, and then played a recording of her with her mother arranging to pass on a letter from the OM. Hard to argue with themselves 5. Sound strong even if you do not feel it. Speak with certainty and clarity. Try not to beg for information or the truth. You won't get it. 6. Assume everything you are being told is a lie and watch how they react. If they look devastated, then perhaps they are. If they look angry and defensive, then the battle is not over. 4. It permits no heated debate and is controlled by the betrayed spouse A confrontation is a chance for you to bring a waysward spouse's fantasy world crashing down. It is the time for you to reveal part of what you know in order to let them know whether you plan to walk away, or whether you plan to stay, and what must happen in either case. It is NOT the forum for a heated debate about all your failings, all the marriage's failings, or anything else for that matter. A wayward spouse will initiate any conversation they can to shift the blame from them to you. They will also leap on any opening you give them to change the subject, especially if it is something close to their heart. For example, when I confronted my own wife on my second d-day, she began with denials, obviously, but then when it became clear I had hard evidence, she changed the subject to how she had hadn't realised how lonely and unloved she had felt. This led to a discussion about what was wrong with our marriage until something clicked inside me and I reset the conversation. You need to stay on topic, stay focussed, and address the matter to hand. Don't let the confrontation be defused by the wayward spouse, or indeed your own spirallyin emotions. Here's some tips on how to do that; 1. In the confrontation, if the discussion gets sidetracked, say "we can talk about that another time" and get back on topic. 2. Keep your emotions under control. You will be hoping depserately, but keep it under control. Remember why you are there. 3. Make it clear from the beginning that this is not a debate, or a conversation, but an announcement. 5. It has a clear structure and it adhered to by a tough BS Right, you need a structure. You will have goals to your personal confrontation. Only you will know what they are. I will give you some suggestions, but they will depend on your circumstances. For example, the shortest confrontation I have ever heard about lasted thirty seconds. This is how it went. "Do you have a moment?" "Yes, what's up?" "I found out you've been ****ing Helen. I'm moving in with my Dad. He's outside waiting" "But..." "Don't bother, I have copied or all your facebook chats and emails. You'll hear from my solicitor in due course" SLAM That confrontation is awesome. It allows no denials, it allows no debate. It is controlled from the outside by the BW who has a clear structure and clear intentions. The wayward spouse in this instance was left standing there wondering what the **** had just happened. He lost his home, his kids, and following his descent into la-la land, his job. The wife divorced him, and is healing on her own. Now, what do I mean by a structure. In the example above, the structure is 1. Get his attention 2. Tell him I know what's being going on 3. Leave That's it. no discussion, no debate, no room for lies or blameshifting. The structure is simple because in this instance the betrayed spouse knew exactly what her intentions were. It may be far more complicated if you are unsure of your facts, or unsure of your own intentions. That's why you need to have a bit of a think about your own intentions before confronting. That doesn't mean you have to have decided what you want in terms of reconciliation or divorce. You intentions may simply be "tell the bastard I know what he's up to and that I'm not as dumb as he thinks". It's not my place to tell you your intentions, but have a think about them before you go in. Your structure may be far more complicated. Mine, for my second D-day, was 1. Get her attention (switch off the telly and put the dogs out of the room) 2. Tell her I know what's going on (with appropriate evidence) 3. Look for any signs of remorse 4. If (3) exists, give her the option - the marriage ends today or NC begins today 5. If she chooses end the marriage or there is no remorse then leave immediately (bag was in the car and person waiting at destination) 6. If she chooses NC then demand NC phone call on the spot. 7. Outline expectations for the next month, with weekly checkins. Both are valid structures, it depends on what you want to achieve, and what your intentions are. I wasn't fussed about getting the truth, or more details, I just wanted to kill the affair. During the confrontation with my wife, I refused to listen to anything, refused to discuss anything. I am offering you a second chance at reconciliation. If you want it, your choice is clear, make it now. After a couple of hours of screaming, she ended up calling the OM in front of me to say goodbye and initiate NC, and then we moved on to my expectations. It was hard, and I was tough with her, but that's the only way for the BS to get what they want out of the situation. Set an agenda. So here is how to plan your confrontation 1. Write down what you know 2. Write down what you want 3. Write down any options (do this if there is remorse, do this if there is not) 4.Now write down a structure follows a logical path such as this A. Set the scene (turn off any distractions) B. Tell them what you want them to know you know (sorry!) C. Tell them their options if there are any D. Tell them your expectations and what happens next E. Bring the confrontation to a close. The last part is important. Once you are done, walk away. Don't let the confrontation degrade and fade away. When you walk away, you want the wayward spouse to think "what the yellow rubbery **** just happened". You want them to realise they have just ****ed with the wrong person and now they are in deep ****. you want them to think they have grieveously underestimated you and ****ing with you was and is up there with telling a US Navy SEAL that he's a bit of a bender in the list of "top ten ways to get your life ****ed up" .You do not want them to think you just had a moment's anger and now things are calming down everything will be alright. You do not want them to think that once you calm down they can start ****ing with you again. You want them shellshocked. Go in hard and fast, with a clear agenda, clear goals, and clear expactations. Ironically, this is the most likely way to "wake them up" in a confrontation anyway. Appearing weak, begging, crying, whilst all of these t hings may prove to the world you are an emotional human being, they do not make you appear attractive. They make you appear weak. wayward spouse's are typically most shocked by strength, and that's the one characteristic you need to display. But then , how hard is that to do. You're a BS, you're already shouldering more than your share or pain, suffering and anguish. You're strong than you realise. 6. The games are limited The games are limited. What on earth does that mean. Well, both the example structures given above are clear cut. In both examples, the BS knew what they wanted, thought about it, and then went after it. They knew where they stood. They had suspicions backed up by evidence. However, in some confrontations, a BS does not have the evidence. I have recommended elsewhere that if you do not have evidence then it is not worth confronting. they will lie and blameshift, and you will have nothing other than your own passion to backup your argument and beliefs, a passion which will be far outweighed by their own defence and indeed offence. That being said, there are examples where a BS will have enough evidence to confront, but hope to get more from the confrontation. As a betrayed spouse, we all crave the truth. We NEED to know where we stand, because even if you standing up to your neck in **** then at least you know. A soldier once told me, whilst he was being shot at, "at least we know where the ****ers are now". there is truth and power in knowledge, and we betrrayeds crave it with passion. The problem is that you are up against the wayward spouse. the wayward spouse is a master at deception. Whilst you have been living a life in ignorance they have been training as liars. They are 6th dan grand masters in making you believe you are imaging things. they are the Bruce Lee of bull****. If you are not careful, you are going to get your ass kicked. So if you are going to play games in the confrontation, be very careful. The wayward spouse will be on top form. They will be the CIA and the NSA at this point, looking for absolutely any gaps in your knowledge they can exploit. you are far better off sticking to the facts and leaving them guessing as to what you know and do not know. Here's some tips to stop yourself being taken advantage of 1. Answer no questions. This is not a time to let the WS probe the depths of your knowledge. Steadfastly refuse to get into any debate, or answer any questions. This is the time for YOU to get answers. 2. Think before you speak. You are already being manipulated. This will continue in the confrontation. Speak clearly and be acreful about what you admit you know 3. Do not reveal your sources unless you have to. Once you reveal a source, that source will be switched off following the confrontation. I advise you only to reveal a source if it is devastating and no further evidence is needed anyway 4. encourage them to speak without showing your hand. "Why don't you tell me what has been going on" when they can see you have a pile of paper might make them reveal more than you know. Conclusion Somewhere in this post I think I lost my own structure. I was lucky in that I did not have to confront the first time. finding your wife with her face stuck to your friend's and her hands in his hair is pretty much all the evidence you need. However, I then had to confront several times over the next few months as my "be a nice guy" strategy proved to be completely useless when faced with a foggy WS. I hope that what I have learned, as always, is useful to someone. If you are new here, and seeking advice, then I would always thoroughly recommend reading through the healing library before confronting. There is an amazing amount of information in there, and the more information you have, the better armed you will be. I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how you get. We'll be here to help you shoulder the load. Finally, I wanted to say something for those BS who do not get to do this. There is a percentage of wayward spouses that will not submit to being confronted, and at that moment make a snap decision to leave. Despite the BS's best planning the WS will throw a spanner in the works by walking out the door. They are doing this out of cowardice rather than facing the consequences of their own actions. Please, for the sake of your soul, let them go. They are making yet another stupid decision, one they will almost certainly come to regret. Don't beg, or cry, just let them go. If they come back, go through the same process. Do not let your intentions, or your health, be affected by their tantrums and strategies for avoiding consequences. Now go kick ass. | |||
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| This is not really separation so apologize if wrong forum, but am looking for help on R. Looking for advice on how to move forward with R after 2 EAs of my wife. I believe she is dealing with MLC and possibly other older issues from growinig up though no expert. Over last few months I have been dealing with this and today did the ultimatum - either quit the behavior or it's over. I posted over in General Topics which can be found here with lots of details: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-confused.html Long story short is my wife has agreed to stop unhealthy activity, is very remorseful, and insists she wants to make us healthy. She says she loves me and I have her heart and soul and she does not want to lose that. I believe she feels this way right now. We had big communication and intimacy issues before the first EA, but since then the intimacy has improved dramatically. Communication has been an issue still, at least her hearing what i was saying in rational fashion. Despite the communication issues on our marriage problems, our other communication (i.e. talk about stuff beyond daily grind) has improved as well. I think the ultimatum today basically broke through that wall on the marriage communication as she has finally admitted she was humiliated and agreed she was pushing blame on me instead of herself for her actions and ultimately my pain. However, this is day 1. Where do I go from here? How do I interact with her? She seems to want to be very lovey and I am happy with that, but am confused as to will this give her a sense of complacency in resolving underlying issues that caused the EAs to begin with. Is it possible for her to just decide to make the change or will it cause resentment again down the road because there is no way to solve her issues without help? I still love her very deeply and really do not have to fall back in love as others say except that I know I will have trust issues for long time. If things are going well, do I just let it go? Do I insist on some type of therapy right off the bat or wait to see how things go on our own? Do I have to keep my distance or be loving and happy, which is my natural disposition? I just don't want to be falsely happy and turn an inch of progress into a mile. Thanks for any advice. Is there a guide somewhere somebody can recommend? AE | |||
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| I love kids but my current on again/off agian girlfriends son is soo hyper. Im thinking, why would I move on if I could never imagine living with her son?? I have never met a kid I didnt like,, or at least get along with. This child is a good kid but wow,,,, I call him the tazmanian devil bc he comes in spinning and never stops. He also doesnt listen to me when Im not pleased with his beahviour. How do you guys/gals deal with dating and kids | |||
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| My girlfriend finds me too clingy, I know this, she has told me. After abit of an argument about it, she said she needed space, but keeps texting me anyway. I am trying hard to not reply to her, or to only reply with short answers.. but this is hard. I miss her so much, and really need to just talk to her, and make sure that everything is okay between us. But If I try and tell her how much i need her, she'll just say I'm being far too clingy and break up with me. What to I do? | |||
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